Did realizing narcissism in your FOO make a drastic change in your future plans?

[pianissimo]

Hello all

Since I  realized a narcissistic dynamic in my FOO, I have been feeling unsafe and exposed. This has changed how I view the world. Now, it seems more dangerous than it seemed before, and, I feel like I have nothing but my own resources to protect myself from it.

I also realized I should protect myself from my family, and, an obvious way is to reduce contact. But, I find the psychological burden of doing this so heavy. I feel terrible for not visiting parents. It’s not just that it feels bad, but I also feel like an outcast in society for not visiting my parents in holidays. I feel like this makes me a potential target. Where I live, it’s weird for someone to not visit relatives in holidays. Also, I feel exposed for not having my parents around. All this makes me feel unsafe.

I’m able to find other ways to live in a way that would make me feel safer, but this would requier making some major changes in the way I live. I would also have to change my hopes and expectations about the future.

I wondered whether the realization that something is not right in FOO had any drastic effect on the way you live or on your future plans. If so, how did it affect the way you look at your future. Did you feel more pessimistic or optimistic? Did things turn out as bad you thought?

[ploughthrough2021]

My wife has uNPD.  She has gone NC from her parents (Dad has uNPD). She does feel bad about going NC but has never broken it and gone and see them,  A lot of insecurity about it though.  I feel my kids (who are now teenagers) protect themselves from their mother (not sharing too much, etc.).  I need to keep on reminding them not to do that with me.  So yes, I understand how you feel.

[The Inner Light]

Hello Pianissimo:

Yes, I can empathize with you. I have the same problem.  My wife and I stumbled upon a youtube video about narcissism a few weeks ago and we're both utterly convinced that dad and sister are uNPD.  It explains so much and is a missing piece of the relationship puzzle for me.  The "what" (being painfully aware of their controlling and manipulative behaviors) was apparent before but now we know the "why". 

My mom died 3.5 years ago and now I feel like there's another death in the family (the "death" of what I thought was a father/son, brother/sister relationship).  It feels like that; an emptiness.  A deep black void.  Also, even though I was aware of the "what" all of my life, I'm very shaken because now that I know the "why" and I've been learning a lot more about NPD relationships, I realize I only really knew a fraction of the "what"; and more starkly, I'm only now starting to realize how damaged I am from a lifetime of it. 

Thankfully I have my first appointment this week with a trauma therapist that I'm hoping will help me.  It's much worse than I thought in how I've been affected by them.

And yes, our life plans are already changing significantly.  We're thinking about moving out of state at some point.

I wish you the best in your struggles.

[Oscen]

Hi Pianissimo,

Sorry you're going through this fear. If it helps, you are absolutely not alone. I literally logged on here to write about how I'm feeling confused the future after doubling down on my commitment to NC because I realised my parents really never will change. 

In the last 2 weeks I'm feeling meh about the future because I see most of my goals were just trying to procure the attention, affection and approval that I was denied as a child. So with my parents emotionally out of the picture at last, what the heck is there left for me to do? I'm feeling happier but also not like I want to do much more than the bare minimum. I trust it will pass and I'll engage more fully with my life and environment once again, more authentically, but right now I'm feeling like a lazy blob!

I think letting go of hope also requires some grieving/emotional processing, which is necessary and feels better after but is frankly exhausting and disruptive.

I completely agree that going no-contact/being estranged feels dangerous in our society, like we're not part of the tribe, not playing by the unspoken rules, and so could be attacked at any time. Parental abuse is a taboo still.

I'm currently reading Judith Herman who deals with the fact that trauma alienates and disconnects victims from society. Your situation is making me think of her work, Pianissimo, because you said you feel unsafe and she mentions the importance of safety when she outlines three stages of healing -
Stage 1 - prioritise safety, including physiological self care, managing finances, and removing all sources of threat. Survivors can't heal until they feel safe.
Stage 2 - recounting the personal history, fully reexperienceing it & processing emotions (without going into pointless overwhelm/retraumatisation), and recontextualising it so you have an understanding of what happened to you and how the world works and it all makes sense.
Stage 3 - reintegration with society, find a way to reconnect and so find meaning in life again.

I hope you can feel safe soon, Pianissimo. You have the right to protect yourself, not only physically, but psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually too.

I think it gets better, even when stepping forward causes more pain, because it's the cleaner, healthier pain of letting go of something toxic or even impossible. But it is hard. Best wishes

[pianissimo]

Thanks for all the posts.

Oscen, I found the book about Judith Herman to take a closer look. It's so validating to be told to address my feelings of unsafety. Because, during this experience, the threat I feel has been intangible, and it has been on a psychological and emotional level. It just feels bad, you know. It's also confusing because, most of the time, I'm like "she just wants to reconnect with me" or "father only worries about me", but the prospect of seeing anyone from family terrifies me, and, then, I'm terrified again that I'm terrified about seeing family. I think that I'm also terrified that I can't handle it, as I thought before. I have psychological and emotional needs, they are very good at finding these gaps in a way that disempowers me. No matter how confident I go to them, I end up feeling insecure about myself.  I also end up exhausted from fending off their psychological or emotional attacks. Most of the time, they occur in the context of caring or worrying or a friendly chat.

It seems like I will have reconfigure things around my life so they will work for me.

[Jolie40]

had a neighbor in her 70s that told me when her mom passed on "I have no one, no family."
this confused me because she was married still with 3 kids & multiple grandchildren

then later she said "I have no one who knows my past."

I went NC last summer & now understand there is no one in my life now who knows my past, childhood, growing up years

however, do I really want to live in the past....no
there is much to try to forget from childhood with bad memories still etched in my mind

my hope is that making good memories with FOC will fill my mind enough to push out bad FOO memories

[sunshine702]

Yes. I was dating a placeholder at the time.  We were comfortable and he was rich but I did not want a relationship like that (kind of unreal / vacation mistress type relationship.
Even though we were both single

Upon figuring out about my NpD mom and my dog dying I broke up over New Years at the hotel.  I have a new guy now.  Challenging but REAL.

I want messy real to fantasy perfect.

[sunshine702]

Most of us go low contact to protect ourselves.  It is hard.  You grieve.  It takes practice. Sometimes it works sometimes you get it wrong.  What in you life is going right now? A job? A hobby? Your pet? A garden?   It can be anything.  Focus on that.  Do more of that. exotically in the unsafe moments.  Yeah it can be weird and alienating not doing holiday with family but some people do other stuff and at first it's weird but then it becomes fun.   I am thinking of Jennifer Ainu son's friend thanksgiving

[pianissimo]

I have decided to continue to make the holiday visits but I will keep them short, for two days. We'll see...