1 Year NC. Woke up to Flying Monkey in my Inbox.

[sunofanarc]

I woke up to this gem of an email from a flying monkey this morning and am spiraling/doubting a bit . I know the right reaction is to not respond but I could really use some support and feedback. Before you read the email posted below (with names omitted to protect privacy) here is a little pertinent background info... DW and I have been NC with my uNPDF for a year now and it's been hard, but healing and healthy for us. My eM told us about 6 months ago after pressuring us to reconcile with him that unless we were willing to sweep uNPDF's behavior under the rug and carry on as though no abuse, manipulation, or hurt had ever occured, she would not have anything to do with me, DW or DD. My comments on the are in ()

Dear SUNOFANARC

As you may recall, my wife, ____ and I are good friends with your parents.  This letter is being sent to you in complete confidence.  It is not to be shared with anyone, except your DW, if you choose.  In no event, do I want EnM and uNPDF to know that I sent this email.  So this is strictly confidential. (HOW DARE YOU CONTROL WHAT I DO? I HAVE SPOKEN TO YOU 5 TIMES IN MY LIFE)

I am taking this extraordinary action to let you know the grief your parents are suffering.  Your Mom has lost her exuberance for life and in her words, "I am in a funk."  Your (n)Dad is much more pensive and withdrawn.  After going through a difficult surgery, he is now facing retirement and wondering how (HIS COMPANY) will fare in his absence.  In my opinion, the biggest factor weighing on both of them is their estrangement from you, DW, and their grandchild.  At their age without a feeling of family continuity, life loses lots of its purpose.  I know first-hand the importance of family.  At age ___ and looking at a life that will in the near future be truncated, I want to share with you a brief experience.  This weekend, we had six of our nine grandchildren at the ranch—going for gator rides with the twin 4 year olds, putting corn in the deer feeders, and letting the 13 year old drive the ranch truck for the first time.  Priceless experiences!  Curiously, all of my professional accomplishments—(LONG LIST OF CAREER ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT MAY BE IDENTIFIABLE)—mean very little to me now. Likewise, despite NDAD's impressive professional accomplishments, he too is coming to the same realization.  At our age, it's all about family. (YOU HAVE DECENT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR KIDS. WHAT THE F*** DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME. ALSO, NPD MUCH? RECITING YOUR PROFESSIONAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS? MAYBE HE SHOULD'VE INVESTED MORE IN HIS FAMILY THAN HIS CAREER THEN.)

I don't think you and DW have contemplated the long term effects of your dysfunctional relationship with your father.  While we could talk about whether your feelings towards your father are justified, that is a fruitless academic exercise.  I can say parenthetically that I can understand how being the son of such a strong personality as your (n)Dad's would be tough on both you and DW.  As I will argue below, it is pointless to contemplate whether your feelings towards your father are justified.  They are irrelevant. (COOL. MY FEELINGS AND REASONING DONT MATTER . PLEASE CONTINUE)

The real question is whether this is the way you want to leave things.  When you look back 20 or 30 years from now, will you be satisfied with the current situation?  I don't think you will.  Here are some reasons I think you will have some big time regrets:

1.        The issue of whether your feelings towards your nDad were justified will be less-and-less intense with the passage of time.  Things that happened 10, 20, or 30 years ago will become less important and the feelings of estrangement that lapsed in the meantime will become more and more a source of regrets.

2.       You are depriving your daughter of a loving relationship which could add love, stability, and a sense of belonging to a larger group to her life.  When she gets older, how are you going to explain their absence in her life? (MIND YOU, I HAVE LEGIT REASONS TO BELIEVE MY NDAD WOULD SEXUALLY ABUSE MY CHILD)

3.       Finally, we can choose a lot of things in life, but one thing we can't choose is our parents.  (I might even add—our in-laws.  When you get married, suddenly the spouse's family becomes a part of your own, so I hope you've got good relations with DW's family.)  You must decide whether you are going to make the most of an imperfect situation.  The alternative is leaving yourself with a lot of regrets and leaving them with a lot of heart aches.   Honoring one's parents is not conditional on whether you like or approve of their behavior. (F**** THIS)

The longer you wait, the more hurt will build on both sides and the harder the healing process will be.  We never know when it will be "too late".  It's time to begin the healing process. (I HAVE BEEN IN THE COUNSELING FOR 7 YEARS. I'VE STARTED THE HEALING PROCESS)

Best,

Flying Monkey's Signature

DW says you could write a dissertation on this email.

[Amadahy]

Wow! That's not just a flying monkey; that's a dive-bomber monkey!  So sorry.

I think I'd either not respond or respond with a terse "Do not contact me again, you pompous piece of work...." signed Best, sonofanarc or some such.  (Probably the former is better, but you can do the second one just for your eyes and toss it. 😊)

Again, I'm so sorry. Even though we take steps to heal, things like this can hurt or at least give us pause in our actions. Anyone who knows one iota of anything about PDs knows steps we take for protection and healing are a last resort.

Take good care.

[Andeza]

Holy guacamole there is soooooo much just wrong, just really wrong, with this message. In your shoes, I would block this person on all platforms and continue with my life without a second thought.

There is so much flawed logic, so much guilt and obligation, it stinks with it.

Whatever you decide, don't do it under the shroud of FOG.

[theonetoblame]

My first thought is "birds of a feather flock together", the author of that email reads as narcissistic to me and more than a but audacious. His life is perfect? His accomplishments need to be listed in a letter that attempts to reconcile two other parties? Wow -- did he attach a copy of his CV?

Personally, I should SHIFT+delete that email, I would delete it permanently so as to ensure I could never find it again and respond and to ensure in my weakest moments I wouldn't crack. I don't think it's necessary to give the author or your parents any ammunition by responding and demanding no further contact etc. He will just bring that email/information to your folks and they'll have a pity party about how 'terrible and hurtful' you are -- at least this is what would have happened in my life.

I've had my own flying monkeys and came to realize that so long as they could pump me for information I wasn't really NC at all, I was just being manipulated.

[Lilyloo]

Oh My Gosh   I agree with everyone. Do not respond and block!  That honoring bit at the end........well, the Bible also says 'fathers do not provoke your children to anger'  This judging of others and preaching is out of line! That person had no right to send you such an email!

[StayWithMe]

I would consider that email open season. In response to that I would put together info that lists in great detail several reasons / instances that lead you to believe that NC is best for you and I would send it to that person. I bet your parents will never do that again.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Holy crap!!  I have to catch my breath.  I cannot believe anyone would document such offensive thoughts, words and accusations. This lengthy email was thought out and deliberate. I do not think anyone could send such a message with the goal being to promote goodwill or positive relations. Actually, this seems so angry and punitive. It seems to me the intent was to blame you for the status of the relationship, shame you for the actions you have taken, and make you responsible for your parents life.  All to hope you comply and fall back in line.  It is beyond controlling.  It seems he further continues on another angle in case all that failed, whereby he says your daughter is being deprived of grandparents. Like that will pull you in. Geez.  Actually, by keeping your distance you may be doing what is best for her.   
There is no reasoning with this type of perspective. I am so sorry this happened. At least this is so far out of the "normal" range, that you do not need to question if it has merit.  It doesn't.  It seems more like an offloading of anxiety projected onto you.  Your parent's anxiety, depression, sorrow or other feelings about the estrangement is not your burden.   
I believe your read of the message is accurate. Your responses to it as noted in () are exactly as I would have felt.  Continue to do what is best for your own well being. You do not even have to reply to this message at all.
You do not owe it to anyone - not even your parents - to sacrifice your own health to benefit them.   

[sunofanarc]

I think I'd either not respond or respond with a terse "Do not contact me again, you pompous piece of work...." signed Best, sonofanarc or some such.  (Probably the former is better, but you can do the second one just for your eyes and toss it. 😊)

I like that. Write my response and then burn it may be my evening activity tonight.

[sunofanarc]

My first thought is "birds of a feather flock together", the author of that email reads as narcissistic to me and more than a but audacious. His life is perfect? His accomplishments need to be listed in a letter that attempts to reconcile two other parties? Wow -- did he attach a copy of his CV?

Personally, I should SHIFT+delete that email, I would delete it permanently so as to ensure I could never find it again and respond and to ensure in my weakest moments I wouldn't crack.

That was my reaction too! Holy entitled narcissist batman! Not worth the brain power to respond to it. I owe this POS nothing.

[sunofanarc]

Holy crap!!  I have to catch my breath.  I cannot believe anyone would document such offensive thoughts, words and accusations. This lengthy email was thought out and deliberate. I do not think anyone could send such a message with the goal being to promote goodwill or positive relations. Actually, this seems so angry and punitive. It seems to me the intent was to blame you for the status of the relationship, shame you for the actions you have taken, and make you responsible for your parents life.  All to hope you comply and fall back in line.  It is beyond controlling.  It seems he further continues on another angle in case all that failed, whereby he says your daughter is being deprived of grandparents. Like that will pull you in. Geez.  Actually, by keeping your distance you may be doing what is best for her.   
There is no reasoning with this type of perspective. I am so sorry this happened. At least this is so far out of the "normal" range, that you do not need to question if it has merit.  It doesn't.  It seems more like an offloading of anxiety projected onto you.  Your parent's anxiety, depression, sorrow or other feelings about the estrangement is not your burden.   
I believe your read of the message is accurate. Your responses to it as noted in () are exactly as I would have felt.  Continue to do what is best for your own well being. You do not even have to reply to this message at all.
You do not owe it to anyone - not even your parents - to sacrifice your own health to benefit them.

This response made me tear up Thank you for validating my feelings. And you're right, keeping my daughter away from them is absolutely what is best for her. The anxiety my parents are feeling are the consequences of their behavior. They want me to take those consequences away without them dealing with their issues first. I can't carry that load and be a healthy human!

[SunnyMeadow]

I had a distant friend of my father tell me how wonderful my dad was and he couldn't believe some of the things he'd heard about him after his death. He went on to mention all these work situations were my dad shined as a pillar of his small corporation. He was so pompous and full of himself I shared a bit of the real dad. Shared some shitty, hideous parts that no one knew about. To say he was shocked and speechless would be an understatement. Should I have shared these things? Eh, maybe not but it felt good! Don't freakin' tell me how wonderful he was. You don't know squat bub!

I feel the same about this terrible letter you received. I'd blast him with a bit of the truth and ask why he's not worried what could have caused this stressful, last resort response from you. What did you go through to get to this point? Did he EVER think about that part of the story? No? Then stick your concern where the sun don't shine.

I'm sorry you received this disgusting letter. I'm not even writing half the things I'd like to about this guy. 

[scapegoat/caregiver]

Who is this flying monkey??
I noticed a lot of comments about guilting you...and controlling you
I did not see any thoughts about YOUR feelings. ..love...missing you...
I saw a BIG EGO. 
your relationship with your father should be with your father.  if he missed you so much he can pick up the phone and call you and ask you
specifics about how to solve the problems so you can move on.
I would not respond to this letter.
   

[HindSightIs2020]

I would definitely not respond, and I'd consider blocking this guy. In addition to the horrible content of the letter itself, the mere fact that he got himself involved in the situation in anything to do with a relationship between a father and son in a family that he's not a part of shows an unfathomable amount of nerve. To me, that seems like the behavior of an extremely dysfunctional person. He doesn't sound at all like the type of person who could even possibly be reasoned with. He doesn't sound like the type of flying monkey that has simply been tricked/manipulated into blindly doing a PD's bidding. He seems more like a flying monkey who is also a narcissist in his own right, especially given some of the more sickening things that he said in the letter.

[sunofanarc]

Who is this flying monkey??
I noticed a lot of comments about guilting you...and controlling you
I did not see any thoughts about YOUR feelings. ..love...missing you...
I saw a BIG EGO. 
your relationship with your father should be with your father.  if he missed you so much he can pick up the phone and call you and ask you
specifics about how to solve the problems so you can move on.
I would not respond to this letter.

He's a "friend" of my parents. Maybe talked to him on 5 occasions but haven't spoken to or about him in 7-8 years maybe? He flat out said my feelings were "irrelevant." Clearly can't reason with that.

[Qilin~]

Wow,
Agree with what everyone is saying. That is just an extremely weird, delusional, and inappropriate letter to get. Especially randomly from someone you don't even really know, and haven't even talked to for so long! I can totally see why you'd be shocked and angry.

His message seems to be that:
1. He's perfect. So important to point that out of course!
2. Reality is unimportant. Just a minor impediment.
3. Do what I say.
4. If you don't deny reality like I recommend you'll regret it.
5. "Imperfect situation" or "dumpster fire" minor details, right?

I would not respond unless possibly to report him for harassment if it continues.
I think it might be satisfying to write a scathing thorough response and burn it! Like your DW says you could write a dissertation on it easily. Astonishing depths of delusion and disfunction.

Hope you're feeling better!

[overitall]

Even though I would want to respond, I would not....I wouldn't want to continue the dialog with such an insensitive, narcissistic person....I would definitely delete the email and block this persons' email, social media, telephone, etc.  How dare anyone tell you how you should act or feel....I would be furious, as I'm sure you are....People like this are impossible and absolutely zero insight to how offensive they are...it isn't a surprise this person is a friend of your parents....they.just.don't.get.it....

[Houstorm]

My sympathies to you.  Your feelings about this letter and your analysis are spot on.  You've gotten great advice in the replies.  I hope you can put this out of your mind very soon as it's designed to manipulate you.  You have no reason to feel guilt nor shame.  We all understand here.  What kind of narcissistic gloating the writer is feeding himself just by imagining himself as an awesome person by "fixing" other people's problems I can only imagine.
Don't read this  toxic letter anymore, and maybe even block him.
My experience has been that this type of toxic guilt and projection will worsen if your parents' health deteriorates or as they near death.  I got similar letters of "advice" when my father was dying  from distant cousins and parents' friends whom I haven't seen in over a decade.  And guess what?  As further proof that you and I are peons whose feeling are irrelevant to such folks, not a one of those advice givers sent me condolences when my father passed away.  It's further proof that we are seen not as people, but as something to be used.
Good luck to you!

[WomanInterrupted]

O.  M.  F.  G! 

WHERE does this person get off inserting himself in your personal business!? 

I agree with, "Birds of a feather..." - no wonder he and your parents get on.

I'd probably fire off about half a dozen letters to *myself* - calling him every name in the book, including a sanctimonious See You Next Tuesday, but otherwise, I'd ignore him and BLOCK.   

That letter was totally uncalled for, and to cite his own professional achievements - well, if they mean so little to him now, why bother including them? 

And personally, being from the Northeast, I don't think I'd trust the judgment of anybody who allows  a 13-year-old to drive a truck for the first time, let alone let 4-year-olds go on gator rides.   

Really...is this a thing?  Riding *alligators*?????  Or is there something I'm missing?

Well, I hope this person feels all puffed up and important - and I DO wish there was a way to anonymously get a copy of that letter to your parents, since that was the one thing he asked you not to do. 

If your feelings are irrelevant, the same goes for his. 

But I'm just an evil little duck, sometimes - I might not do it, but I'd definitely THINK about it! 

I'd keep the letter in a special file, and if this person contacts you again, I'd consider having a lawyer file off a Cease and Desist letter. 

You can get templates online, but I think it looks far more impressive coming from a lawyer.  And being that a C&D isn't legally binding, it sure won't seem that way (it's not worded like it's voluntary) on a lawyer's letterhead. 

[Kiki81]

This is hilarious, actually---meddle much, Herr Doktor Professor Captain of Industry? Must have a lot of time on your hands to dream up all this, better keep your eye on the grandkids while you subject them to high levels of risk with farm equipment meant for adults 

I feel you on this, sun. I had the much the same content spewed on me by my former dentist during dental work.

No response is  my instinct. This guy has clearly already had an argument with you in his own mind. Don't flatter this pompous blowhard with the DIGNITY of responding. Let his email remain what it is: A fart into the wind.

[TwentyTwenty]

Sorry you're going thru this..

I'd send the sorry excuse of a human a 'cease and desist' order..  Cyber-stalking is very likely a crime in your area, it is in most.