New here

[Tornado]

Hi everyone

I first created an account here in 2014. Back then I had a 6mo baby and was struggling with adjustment issues, and flashbacks. Psychologists later diagnosed CPTSD. I've been in and out of therapy since I was a teenager trying to pull apart ownership of life's troubles between a narcissist step-father and BPD and comorbidity with alcoholism.

I struggle with a lot of things secretly. On the outside I have everything. Respectable intelligent persuasive job, loving husband, 2 beautiful and kind children, safety, my health, wealth. On the inside I struggle with a heightened sense of myself. I'm always on the lookout. I never drop my guard. I judge others which is a projection of how I judge myself.

Everyday I have to focus on what feels good. On what rest I require. On engaging with my kids. I monitor my mood. I work hard and conscientiously.

Any conflict or person trying to double cross me - well let's say I learnt strategies and approaches from my parents, but it leaves me feeling disempowered, without support.

The worst days are birthdays, Mother's Day, other traditional days where I can't quite manage the full attention of engaging in ceremonies. I feel off kilter just for existing.

I recall a time when I was 7 or 8 and in the morning the phone kept ringing. I couldn't understand why and what was going on so I asked my mother. She gave me the silent treatment and snarled. It was her birthday and no adult had reminded me or helped me with a gift. That afternoon after school her friend also chided me for forgetting. This kind of thing is a constant in my family. Any sense of a family structure or human rights has been eroded and is so dysfunctional with results in various family members suffering drug addiction, domestic violence, hospitalisation, jail time, suicide attempts, teen pregnancies, sexual assault, homelessness, unemployment, losing custody.

My fate skidded past all of that. But I am not unscathed mentally. Whenever things go wrong I rarely see it as a 'blip' and just love on. I invariably experience dips emotionally.

I hope that by sharing some things you can offer some comforting words of wisdom. Or, maybe I've helped another person in a similar life experience.

Thanks for accepting me.
Tornado

[tragedy or hope]

Tornado,
I hope you find a safe place to be... here. We all have internal issues that make us the people we are. So sorry for the confusing upbringing. Give yourself credit for working on yourself. That is not as common as one might think. Welcome.

[Penny Lane]

Hi Tornado,
Welcome. I'm glad you posted. It sounds like you have come a long way on your healing journey. You should be commended for that. This stuff is HARD and it takes real strength to address it in a meaningful way.



What you are describing, I think we have a lot of people on these boards have experienced similar things.

This in particular stuck out to me:

Any conflict or person trying to double cross me - well let's say I learnt strategies and approaches from my parents, but it leaves me feeling disempowered, without support.

It sounds like you know your parents didn't teach you good conflict resolution, and you're searching for healthier ways to respond. Just knowing that the way you are handling things makes you feel disempowered - that is such a great step!

I highlighted this because I think this is one concrete area where you could focus on, and I hope the people on this board can help you explore that. It sounds like you're in therapy but if not, that would also be a good place to explore these feelings and whether you can do something differently to start feeling empowered.

Your story about your mother giving you the silent treatment as a child - my heart breaks for child you, and I want you to know that it was not OK for her to treat you that way. You have come a long way but it's no wonder that it left some scars.

Again, I'm so glad you're here.  I hope the folks on these boards can offer you some comfort, commiseration and understanding.

[PeanutButter]

Hi and welcome.

I can relate to the abuse you suffered. My ubpd/spdM also use to punish with silent treatment often. She also 'snarled', along with 'hissing' and 'screaming'.

In PD parents it is common for them to have expectations that are not age appropriate.

Some while expecting children to do chores and other responsibilities that they are too young to do, also do not give freedoms and privileges that the children are past the age of it being appropriate for.

The website has a wealth of information and experiences to help you deal with the conflict of your relationships with the PDs in your life.

See you around.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=4.0
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=36.0

[Tornado]

I enjoyed reading your responses, and yes I'm in therapy. thanks for taking the time guys. Great insight, and reflection - everything said about mis-steps with age appropriateness, are all true for me. I'm feeling more confident with each wobbly step xx

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Tornado,

A warm welcome to you. This is a good place to explore and ask questions and share what you're learning. Getting Out of the FOG is hard to do and you have been at it for a long time and it does get easier.

Check out the toolbox here and based on your first post I could really relate to having a guard up as you say. A lot of the people who surround us as friends or family or neighbours or coworkers etc they are well meaning but they don't understand what you've gone through and they focus on the stuff you mentioned- that you have a secure job and marriage and home etc.

They can end up feeding that belief that these things should make us happy. Even though everyone knows by now that wealth doesn't equal happiness we can all see that from rich celebrities but we still wish it was true.

It took me years to learn why I felt such a disconnect between having those things and then also struggling inside the way you said it.

When we move more Out of the FOG we find out there are certain topics and people we just have to limit. For a while it helped me to see this as the same way we limit binge watching tv. One show is ok, 7 hours of tv in one day is unhealthy. Maybe you judge others sometimes as a way of trying to set a better boundary with that person? Getting Out of the FOG all of this does become easier as you said you feel more confident already with each step!!

Trees