Going NC with step-parent -- international marriage issues

[ironsand]

Background:
My step-mum has been in my life for about 22 years (since I was a child). She is Japanese and intended to stay overseas for only a short time but met my dad and they got married pretty quickly. At that time I was eight and my sister was 13 or so. Since then we have had a very difficult relationship with her that was filled with emotional abuse, angry outbursts and physical violence. When we were children we were terrified of her but wanted to spend time with our dad so we would continue to go over there even when we didn't feel safe.

Many times my sister and I tried to confront my Dad about her behaviour but whenever we met him alone she would suddenly turn up and we couldn't say anything. We did go NC (thanks to the advice from this forum) a few years ago and it ended when we called a family meeting to try and sort things out. We managed to say how we really felt but those familiar feelings of FOG crept in and we decided that going NC for four months would be enough to reset things (it wasn't).

Over the years I have developed a strong relationship with her, I can often see her good intentions but that she (for whatever reason) does not know how to show love and affection properly. However, seeing how her behaviour is viewed by my husband (also Japanese) has opened to my eyes to how toxic she truly is. She has said some very inappropriate things to him over the years and has made it hard to establish ourselves as a married couple as she and my Dad don't understand that we are both adults and can make our own decisions.

Current problem:
The issue that I am having right now is that when my SM went back to Japan last year to see her relatives she met up with my husband's mother. During that meeting she was incredibly rude and insulting to my MIL, talked trash about my husband, belittled her and her family and made her very uncomfortable. This kind of aggression is unforgivable in this kind of social situation in Japan. My MIL is a social worker and is a well-adjusted individual, so I trust that she is not dramatising anything. She told my husband this in confidence and made it clear she doesn't want anything to do with her. My husband is also upset, and wants very little to do with her as well. The nature of Japanese society is that confrontation is to be avoided at all costs, so this means that my MIL doesn't want us to go and yell at my SM and confront her. However, I am really considering going NC with my step-mother as this feels like the last straw in a 22 year saga of emotional abuse. It feels so different went this person is doing similar things to someone she barely knows than when she is doing them to me.

Can you go NC with a family member without explaining all the details? Going NC would probably estrange me from my father and make my family dynamic very difficult. But, i'm tired of the bullshit.

[Malini]

Hi Ironsand,

Welcome to Out of the FOG.

Different cultures have different values and what might be perceived as toxic and abusive in one culture can sometimes be completely acceptable in another. However, basic human kindness and respect is the minimum you can expect from any person.

I understand that you're tired of all the crapola and don't feel you can deal with it any longer. I myself am NC as it was the only path left to me if I wanted to stay well and keep my FOC safe from my NParents. They live very close by and LC wasn't an option as they were disrespectful of every boundary I put in place and abusive and toxic to my children. Like you, it wasn't her behaviour towards me that opened my eyes to what she truly was, I thought that was normal - it was her behaviours towards others that made the scales drop from my eyes. 

Recently, my NM wrote a 3 page letter to my MiL. Full of everything that was bad about me and also bad about the grandchildren they share. My MiL was so angry about the smearing of her grandkids that she called my NM after years of no contact. It didn't go well and when my MiL called me to "confess" I empathised but also reminded her that she can ignore contact from my NM and may want to reconsider the advantages of calling her, in the light of the fact that she couldn't sleep for days afterwards and didn't feel any better.

Going NC with my NM didn't change the way she behaves, both she and enNF  still stalk my children on social media, they still try to contact my MiL on FB, they continue to stalk and smear me.

You can definitely go NC without giving any reason. How did the last time you went NC feel?  Is it what you want now? NC is often a last resort, when all other options have been exhausted and the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

Would going MC or LC enough to put a healthy distance between you and your Stepmom without estranging yourself from your father?

Take care.

[Starboard Song]

Can you go NC with a family member without explaining all the details? Going NC would probably estrange me from my father and make my family dynamic very difficult.

You certainly can, but consequences can be very real. I encourage you to pause and consider all the options between where you are and NC. Without ever reading on a forum like this, without ever knowing the terms, people all the time start drawing away, protecting themselves by limiting their interactions. And it isn't even seen by the other party as a thing. It doesn't set off any bombs. Going NC is fighting words.

That said, it truly can be the only or best option. We are 3 1/2 years NC from my in-laws. We seem to have lost a couple aunts and a childhood friend along the way. But we had taken our time and we are certain we did the hard, right thing for our family.

I love the great questions Malini posed: How did you feel while you were NC before? Is it what you want now?

I won't pretend to understand the special challenges due to culture, but I do encourage you, after all due reflection, to take care of yourself in the best way possible.

[StayWithMe]

If I were to choose to go NC with anyone, I would not explain at all, I would just simply downshift all contact. 

If you explain why you are NC with someone, well, first of all, you're not NC anymore, but aside from all the snark, you have given someone ammunition to throw around to others.  "The nerve," they'll say ........ and then tell their side of the story.

I've noticed that when you have not heard from soneone, the sympathizer will always say, "oh, maybe they're just busy......."

Not to mention that you may ultimately go LC, VLC in addition to NC.

[daughter]

I think you could quietly disengage from SM by directing all your communications to your father, while politely disregarding her, not in an obvious cold-shoulder manner, but in a "weather-related pleasantries" degree of superficial conversations when she presents herself to you in situations where you are contacting (phone or face-to-face) your father.  And yes, in future, contact between SM and DH/MIL should be curtailed, and MIL advised she has zero obligation to ever speak to SM again, that you understand that she's a difficult not-nice person to be avoided, that her past behaviors embarrass and hurt you.  It helps to flag the bad behavior, and allow our FOC to avoid our problematic relatives/parents altogether.  I'd not worry about "offending" SM, I'd just politely ignore her hereon.