Everything is my fault (how do I stop this?)

[Sneezy]

Medium chill and boundaries are working, but I am at my wit's end holding it together.  In my Mom's eyes, everything is my fault and my responsibility.  I picked her up for a doctor's appointment today and she opened the car door into her own shoulder.  According to Mom, that was my fault and when she has a bruise she is going to tell everyone her daughter did it to her (said as a joke, of course, but it's typical for her).  We ran all over town after the doctor appointment - Mom had three stops she wanted to make, plus lunch out.  Her lunch was bland (I must have ordered the wrong sauce for her) and they didn't have the kind of soup she wanted (after I had told her they had a good lunch special).  Then, without realizing it, we drove away from the bank without her ATM card.  It must have gotten stuck and we just took the receipt and left.  Now it's a BIG freakin' emergency, which is also my fault.  I am so tired of this.  I very patiently told Mom that it's not an emergency, ATM cards get stuck, the bank has already emailed me that they have the card and it has been invalidated and she just has to call an 800 number to get a new one sent out right away.  But no, it's all my fault and it's the biggest disaster ever, and if I only I didn't rush her so, none of this would be happening and life would be all sunshine and unicorns.   

Oh, and she asked me to do her taxes and I said "no."  So on the bright side, my boundaries are still working.  I'm starting to think I need more of them, though.

I also think I need less contact with her.  Unfortunately, Mom had to see two specialists this week and I did want to go with her for those appointments.  But I need to figure out how to limit the errands afterwards, as it's just too much time together.  For once, I would like her to express some appreciation for all the time I am spending with her, all the gas I am putting in my car to drive her around, all the evenings I am working to make up for time taken out of my day to chauffer her around, etc., etc.  But that ain't gonna happen.

[Fiasco]

Baby steps, Sneezy. It sounds like you're on the right track. One way to reduce the errands is through on line shopping. Amazon Prime saved my sanity when dealing with my BPDm. She's say "I need" and I'd say no problem and send it. She would have preferred me to pick her up and run her around but once I made it clear it was delivery or nothing she adapted. If she had chosen "nothing" then that's exactly what she would have gotten. Just an example to help you think outside the box (outside the FOG lol)

[WomanInterrupted]

About those errands that are sprung on you at the last minute - just say NO.   

UnBPD Didi was big on saying, "You don't mind stopping at the drug store..." - like it was a fact, and just as we were ready to drive past it.   

My stock response was, "You need to run this stuff by me ahead of time.  I don't have time today."   

She would *never* ask in advance - just as we  were nearing the building, so no, she never went to the drug store.

One day, the frail, little old lady who could barely shamble along on her cane all but race-walked down the plaza to the drug store, thinking I'd HAVE to go in with her (and waste 4 or 5 hours of my life, while she looked at everything in the place a good half dozen times, to *punish me*).   

I got in the car, drove down the plaza and found Didi giving me a defiant look - until I pulled up next to her, opened the passenger door and said, "Get in.  I don't have time." 

It took her nearly five minutes to shamble her way to the car- and no, I didn't get out to help her. 

My thought was if she walked into the drug store, regardless, I would have just driven off and left her there.  She'd have to figure out her own way home, and if she called me, I either would have told her to call a cab, or just not answered the phone.   

I think your mom might do the same thing - never ask in advance.  If that's the case, NO ERRANDS. 

If she clears *one* errand with you, but wants to make 4 or 5 stops - NO.  You don't have time.   

You have to be *very* firm on that  - and insist *she* order her own stuff on Amazon, lest you get stuck paying for it, while she strings you along about paying you back. 

I think they think if they stall on paying us back, we'll be obligated to come back to get our money, which may take *months.*

I learned the hard way - kiss it up as gone and never do it again. 

Didi never did learn to ask ahead of time, so she never got to the drug store - or anywhere else.  She continued to drop things on me at the last second, and got the answer no - until I just stopped driving her anywhere, due to her health.

That was actually a very real concern - she had severe osteoporosis, and was steadily losing weight because of the emphysema she didn't have.     The woman who had been 5'4", 120lbs was now 4'6" and down to 80lbs, and refused to sit in the back seat, where there was no air bag that could potentially kill her.

Or worse - hurt her, which would be *my fault*, even if a car hit us.  She'd find a way to use it to try to get me to be her *slave* because now I owed her for all those injuries she was going to milk to death!   

She got *very* upset with me, and told me she was FINE to ride in my car - but I stood my ground.  So she lied about her weight and told me she'd *never* said she was 80lbs, when she had repeatedly, the previous week!   

I told her I'd come over and she could stand on a scale, and I'd see for myself. 

She slammed the phone down on me instead. 

If your mom's health concerns you, you could suggest she take a cab or an Uber, where she can sit in the back seat and become Somebody Else's Problem.

Sometimes you have to get creative with your boundaries, but it's *well* worth it! 

[Malini]

What an awful day for you Sneezy, I can believe you must have been completely exhausted. Not only did you give up your time to help her, take her to lunch, but then everything that went wrong is your fault.

With my NM, I would say yes to ONE thing and all of a sudden my day was taken up with a whole load of extra stuff I didn't sign up for and I had no idea how it happened. My NM also did not like NO for an answer and couldn't accept I might want to put the needs of my kids before hers, never mind my own.

I think it's great you said no to the taxes  . It's a start. Next time she needs a ride to the doctor and you want to do it, tell her that you'll be taking her there and back but you won't do any errands because you're too busy. Your time is precious too. It might make for a silent ride back, but she'll slowly learn that what you say is what you mean.

Being raised to cater to their every whim and then being blamed for all that was wrong about what you did is so familiar. If you still want to go to restaurants with her,  let  her order her own food, she's and adult, and then observe and don't absorb her behaviour.

Even if you had a terrible day, (and I'm sorry you did)  it's a learning experience. Your eyes are open to her behaviour and you can now figure out how to manage the next time a request comes in based on this.

You're doing well. Take care

[StayWithMe]

I picked her up for a doctor's appointment today and she opened the car door into her own shoulder.  According to Mom, that was my fault and when she has a bruise she is going to tell everyone her daughter did it to her (said as a joke, of course, but it's typical for her).

I'd watch out for this kind of behavior.  One day something really bad is going to happen.  All your mother's friends and acquaintances will remember these half hearted jokes -- you know the kind people do to rationalize the abuse that they are getting.........

I would remind her of this incident and, doing so in front of others would not hurt. And then add "I'm so afraid of being accused of elder abuse, I've been thinking about giving my mother Lyft or Uber gift certificates.  Since my mother thinks I'm such a basket case, I'm sure everyone else can do a better job than I can." If you're the only ride that she can get, she will tone that suff down fast.

I've started repeating hurtful things that my mother has said to me.  I'll tell her "I don't know if I can do this for you since you think I am so stupid....."  It's been a while since I've had the pleasure of throwing that back in her face.

If you do give her a ride, pre-empt everything by telling her you have a prior engagement and therefore, you will be taking her straight back home.  Don't tell her what that prior engagement is --it could be nothing, you know ---  she'll be really excercised to find out what it is.

[daughter]

Like WI ably notes, in situations like this, where you remain in contact and reasonably "dutiful daughter" in your attention-goals, it's important to remember that ultimately you yourself determine the degree of contact and compliance you provide to your mother's demands and expectations, the ultimate degree of tolerance of her bad behavior and inappropriateness you provide.  You are able to say "NO, I won't do that."  You are able to determine your actions, day by day, as well as your non-actions, your non-responses to provocations and hoovers.  It's good to vent, but we'll tell you to take the next step, to assume the rightful authority to determine your own actions, your own schedule of activities to recognizes your own priorities, obligations and preferences.  You have zero obligation to be at "beck and call" of your mother, no matter how loud her protests, how vivid her anger.  And remember, don't reward bad behavior, strive mightily to not capitulate to her passive-aggressive comments, her imperious demands and insensitive commands of your time and attention.  Maintain the same expectations in regards to your mother, that she must be polite, considerate, and gracious towards YOU, as you would expect from others.  There's great truth in the statement people treat us the way we expect to be treated, because we often unintentionally telegraph our expectations of other people to them, and when we anticipate being treated rudely and without consideration, these pd-disordered folks can sense that tacit capitulation towards mistreatment.

And like SWM notes, I'd intentionally flag each accusation made by your mother ("it's your fault" ilk), to firmly correct those statements ("nothing doing, mom; I'm not going to allow you to make such statements/accusations, even as a joke").  Yes, I think these sort of passive-aggressive accusatory false statements from pd-disordered eventually become factual recollections.  My own malevolent NBM often passive-aggressively accused me of being "so mean to my mother", despite ZERO evidence to substantiate such accusations, despite my 99% compliance as her dutiful daughter-SG to her every demand and expectation, despite the frequent tongue-lashing she directed towards ME.  That "you're so mean" narrative was both hoover, and bludgeon, intended to keep me "toeing the line" for the 1% non-compliance I occasionally expressed.  And yes, she probably told her friends, told my enNF, told my GC "princess" nsis ("you don't do enough for nsis" - another frequent statement), how "mean" I was towards her, which likely was projection of her own malicious intent and malevolent feelings towards me, her blatantly disfavored albeit attentively dutiful daughter-SG.

I'd rethink the degree of attention and time-commitment you graciously provide your mother.  I'd start scheduling that time in forthright manner, allowing a budget of weekly-time for calls/texts/email correspondence, maybe every 2nd day, maybe no more than 15 minutes per day, and likewise, perhaps face-to-face contact no more than once a week, or every 2nd week a visit-excursion, perhaps no longer than 4 hours total.  Otherwise, you become "unavailable", much slower to respond, much more likely to deflect immediate attention-response, retraining your responses, refusing to comply any longer to your mother's expectations to dictate your time and commitments.