Guilt and leaving

[notalone23]

Yesterday my mom had an extremely bad manic episode. Yesterday I called  The police because she was threatening to hurt herself and make me watch, and once she saw I was on the phone the police she stopped saying that she was doing it to get my attention the police came and did nothing. They asked me to sit go back in my room and see if she would leave me alone. She left me alone for a little bit, and then came into my room saying her phone was broke and that she needed to go to the phone store. I told her I didn't want to go with her, and she said that she didn't feel safe to drive by herself so I ended up going. She kept going the whole car ride and not leave me alone so I made up an excuse saying I had to go into my work to print off a form and ended up staying there and not going home with her because this is just too much for me mentally. When my dad came and picked me up I had to go home to get some clothes and she was crying and begging me not to leave telling me she loved me and that she wanted to get help and also asking me how long I was going to be gone for. Once she saw I was not budging she started to get manipulative and trying to say things to get me to stay I feel extremely guilty that I left her and she even sent me a nice text message last night saying that she was going to get help because she did not want to lose me and then I meant the whole entire world to her, and now today she's sending not nice messages saying to enjoy my new life and that I hate her and I think she's a monster. She said that she feels alone And has never felt more alone in her whole life. I have so much guilt because I feel like I left her with nothing and that she thinks I don't love her even though I do so much she apparently got a therapy appointment today, and hopefully that cause good for her but as of right now she wants sounds like nothing to do with me.  She relies heavily on me for food, money, and the essentials so I just feel so guilty for leaving her by herself.  She said she would give her whole world for me and apparently that wasn't enough for me. The guilt is eating me alive and I just don't know what to do.

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi Notalone - and no, you are NOT alone!   

If I were in your shoes, I'd stay with friends or relatives until I could formulate a proper exit plan, and move out for good.

I'd collect my belongings and any important papers at a time I knew she wouldn't be there, and if I had to, rent a storage unit for larger items. 

I'd ask friends if I could rent a room - or perhaps get an apartment with a few friends, if the rent in your area isn't too dear.

You're 20 - your mom shouldn't be relying on YOU for anything, let alone food, money and essentials.  It's her job to provide them for you - not the job of the parentified child to take care of the parent/child.

Your money is just that - your money.  It can be used for rent, a car payment, and your bills - not your mom's "needs."   

IME, if you don't leave now, she'll keep making it harder and harder for you to stand on your own two feet with constant emotional blackmail and bleeding you dry, financially.  You won't have any savings, because she'll consume it all, then demand even MORE - or start charging you rent for your room that's twice the going rate in your area, so you can never leave. 

It's on your *mom* to get treatment for her bipolar disorder - but if she's got a PD, too, that's possibly running the show, and she probably doesn't think she needs help because *everybody else is the problem* - and you just can't reason with somebody like that, nor should you try. 

You can't save her - but you can save *yourself* and the amazing future that's out there, waiting for you! 

Your mom *will* get by, believe it or not.  She's not out on an ice floe.  She's got resources, and more importantly *a phone to contact those resources.* 

It sounds like your mom is a clingy waif-type.  You'd be surprised at how capable and resourceful they really are - they just don't want to have to, and think others should do for them.

But when forced to do for themselves, they'll astonish the hell out of you.

You need to think of yourself, first and foremost - your mental health and safety are a priority.  I don't think it's wise for you to go back to that environment, for any reason - and if your mom changes her tune again and starts threatening suicide, *call 911 and let THEM deal with it.* 

That's WAY above your pay-grade and besides - you have a future to think about, and plan for. 

Your needs are the priority.  Your mom's needs go on the back-burner, where they belong.

You can do this - you are strong enough and capable enough.  You just have to allow yourself to *detach,* let go, and let your mom see to her own problems.

I know it's not an ideal answer, but it's the only one I have - and worked for me when I moved out, shortly after my 18th birthday.

I've never regretted it, and that was over 35 years ago.

You've GOT this!   

[lookingforpeace]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this too. Please understand this is NOT normal for a parent to rely on a child (even 20 years old). When we grow up with this behavior we normalize it, but know that this is not the way it is supposed to be. I was in a very similar situation starting around your age. After graduating college my uBPD mom really started emotionally going downhill. She couldn't keep a job and WOULD not do things to better her life or support herself. Any suggestion I had for finding a job was shot down and I just could not grasp why she wouldn't do anything for herself. As I was starting to earn money from my first real job she took advantage of that and happily let me pay for her housing and essentials. I finally had to cut her off as my finances took quite a hit and I just couldn't do it anymore. And you know what? She was somehow finally able to figure something out to do it herself. This is when you realize you are actually enabling the behavior in stead of helping. They WILL figure it out, it is very unlikely they will become homeless and if they do there are shelters and resources for that as well. 

With regards to the threats of suicide, just as Womaninterrupted said, - if and when she threatens this you need to call 911, EVERY time. You are not equipped to handle those threats and should absolutely not feel responsible for "saving" her, she needs to do that herself. Feeling responsible for someone else's life and livelihood is a horrible feeling and worse burden to carry and it is not yours to do. As also mentioned, one of my favorite sayings/affirmations is "I can't light myself on fire to keep you warm"  Please think seriously about this and know we are here for you.

Hugs and peace

[RavenLady]

Hi notalone23. What a nightmare for you and your family. I'm really sorry your mother is having this crisis and that it is messing with your life and stability. You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it. Sucks, but true.

Naturally you want your mother to get all the help she needs. Deep therapy, meds, a cozy environment and soothing music and lovely group activities...a garden to stroll in while she recovers from her probably traumatic life. That's what we want for your M. The best. A peaceful existence. Unfortunately you are powerless to provide this to her. There is nothing you can do for her, unless you grab a time machine, magically achieve advanced knowledge and resources sufficient to treat this severe mental illness, and simultaneously manage to stop being her daughter when you return to successfully treat her. Anything short of that is spinning your wheels. She has to want help in order for help to help. And then the ball's in her court.

What you are experiencing are her untreated symptoms, related to problems she has in her psyche and possibly physiology. It's not a reflection on you, what you've done or not done, or your core worth. It has nothing to do with your relationship, really. It's like she is vomiting on you from severe intestinal distress and for some reason just refuses to aim for the toilet. It's extremely disturbing and she needs help and strong medicine of some kind, but it's not really about you at all. One hopes the day will arrive when the mess is cleaned up and she's in a better state and you can put it all blissfully out of your mind...though, unfortunately, it's a chronic condition and likely to recur, so you probably can't really afford to forget entirely. 

In the meantime, get out of the way of the vomit. Really. Get out of there. Do whatever you need to, within the bounds of decency, of course. But don't let her keep puking on you. It's not healthy. For either of you. She told you she hates you, previously, if memory serves? Your mother said that to you?!? And now she is putting the burden of her whole life artificially in your hands? Get out, and stay out, and enjoy some fresh air. As the others have said, you have your whole life ahead of you. Make the most of it! Away from this sick.

Hugs and healing to you. You aren't alone. Your life can get so much better than this.