Grief of having a PD parent

[Twinkletoes88]

I was just wondering how long it takes on average to stop feeling the grief of realising/accepting your parent is PD'd and all that meant when we were younger and all that means now in how things have to be etc.

I've been in therapy for nearly 5 years and only this week I sat and cried over the fact I don't know how it feels to be relaxed with and comforted by a mother. The grief seems to happen now and again and I feel awful for an hour or two or a couple of days I feel sad and then it lifts again.

I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way? Like they' understand and accept the situation but now and again are struck by the sadness of what we don't have and won't have - what we wanted vs what we got .... that sort of thing?

I guess I just feel a bit alone with this feeling today. I hope someone can relate x

[appaloosa]

Yes, I can relate. I'm almost 60 and it wasn't until my mid fifties that I realized how dysfunctional my family is--uNPD father and enM. One night I really hit rock bottom and could not stop crying thinking about how my M never really loved me or tried to comfort me. Feelings were not allowed. I didn't expect anything from my F, but my M wouldn't even discuss my feelings about the disintegration of my marriage--my worries, fears for the kids, etc. Just changed the subject.  That was a terrible night, but now I have accepted that there will never be anything coming from her, other than light meaningless conversation. And that only VVVVV rarely. We hardly ever speak anymore. It is easier now that I have accepted it, and I haven't felt that deep grief since, but I still get waves of sadness when I read or hear about how other (normal) parents treat their children. Can't help but wonder what it would have been like, what would be different today.

[Psuedonym]

I was just thinking about this this morning, Twinkletoes88. My dad passed away a year ago, and while that was very sad, it was normal...its something that everybody goes through. People are supportive and empathetic because they get it. With uBPD M, its a completely different story. It's as you said, there's the realization of what you didn't have growing up, and also the weirdness of the current situation. I am 3 months NC, and its like not only do I not have that parent, I have that parent treating me like I'm a monster and they're a victim, and most people don't get it. WomanInterrupted used the term 'malevolent poltergeist' and i liked that.

I don't know if you ever watch Kris Godinez's videos but she's awesome. She has one on complicated grief: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbpWTZ4J4xo
Normal grief is like that, it comes and goes. i think complicated grief is the same way, it just takes longer and is, well, more complicated.

We get it!

[linda123]

Therapy helped me to realize that I had many unexpressed feelings of sadness, anger and even rage. It seemed that I was crying forever, but now I cry about other things, I realized that I am a sensitive person  . My elderly OCPD mother passed away in 2011. My emotionally neglectful and perhaps covert narcissistic elderly biological "father" had remarried. His wife is like him, I recently stopped trying to have a relationship with them.

He and his wife are alike: do not like to have conversations, only think of themselves, and use people. Expect everyone to cater to them.  So I stopped trying to take the high road. My compensation for all this sadness and anger is making sure that the current people in my life treat me with kindness, respect and and make attempts to include me in their life. My circle is therefore small, I choose to no longer tolerate any kind of abuse, period.

Inner child therapy helped me, also self compassion therapy. I currently have 3 small stuffed animals in my bed, i hug them every night, and its a comfort to me. My toys , some important homework assignments in HS, and personal belongings were constantly thrown out by OCPD mom,

So your tears will gradually subside, do the work, its a constant thing I do to self sooth myself, Its been working for me. I visit this website also, it helps me to see that I am not alone. I stopped trying to tell family members about my parents, because they look at me incredulously. Oh your father is such a nice man, the stories he tells????   Well they dont know the real parent. I also no longer refer to his as "my father", I refer to him to others by his first name. Others are my close friends, not family. All this, helps me . You are not alone.

[JustKat]

For me, some grief has passed while other grief will probably remain forever. I've grieved the loss of my entire FOO, but in different ways.

I don't think I ever really grieved over not having a normal mother, maybe because I wasn't aware of what I missed, so didn't know what to grieve. When I went NC I was able to accept that she was mentally ill and move on.

My enFather was a different story because I had always thought he loved me. When I was a child we did things together and I truly believed I was his special girl and that he had my back. I was in my 50s when I finally realised that it was all a lie. I never had a loving mother in the first place, but I know what it felt like to have a loving father (or at least I think I did), so I do grieve that loss.

I've shed a lot of tears over losing the rest of my FOO to NPDmother's smear campaign. It's been five years since my mother died and it's now clear that my two siblings and a beloved aunt are lost to me. Therapy has helped me to understand that those family members made the choice to side with someone who they knew had issues, probably out of fear. Still, I miss them and still cry over it.

I think it's normal to have highs and lows, moments of peace followed by episodes of crying. We've been through so much, how can we be expected to just "get over it" and live a normal life? We can learn how to move on and be stronger, but there is some pain in life that simply can't be erased. I think it's okay to let it out and have a good cry. When I have moments of grief it really does help me to come to forums like this where I can be surrounded by people who truly understand. In my non-professional opinion, what you're experiencing is a normal reaction. You are not alone.

[moglow]

I believe like any other grieving situation, there are lumps and bumps in the road then it evens out before it's unstable again, a rut here and there etc.  Anniversaries and holidays of any kind can and will trigger old memories and feelings, as will places and certain people, and honestly even sometime extreme weather events.  For me, particular behaviors - whether directed at me or witnessed from a distance - can trigger the grief all over again. Maybe not at the level and intensity of the past, but in the moment it can be harsh. I don't see grief so much as a process to get through as a thing - a very changeable, unpredictable thing. 

I fully appreciate Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief [denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance], with a caveat:  Everyone doesn't experience it the same way or in the same order, and just because we think a particular stage is over doesn't mean we'll never see it again. Depression has been my personal bugaboo for most of my life, and continues to be, but I've bounced in and out of the other stages as well.

I can't remember the exact place I saw it but I recently read an article, grief is like "a ball in a box."  Really great analogy! Google is usually my friend but I don't have access this moment or I'd point you right to it.

[Indivisible]

Hi Twinkletoes88 - I hope the heartache has subsided some since you wrote.  I've spent most of my life numb - I'm trying to learn now at 56 to feel feelings and trust myself.  Feelings were not okay with my uNPM, so I've learned how to bury them which does its damage.  I remember a time when I was about 7; we were over at my neighbor's house.  Our neighbors had children the same ages as my brother and I and our parents got along so we spent a lot of time there.  Or, rather my brother and I adopted ourselves out to this family as our parents didn't want to be parents.  One night, my friend was tired and wanting to go to bed rather than stay up and play.  Her mother's response was to comfort her daughter and snuggle her because she was tired.  My mother's response was to belittle me in front everyone and tell me that my behavior was out of control and that I couldn't play anymore.  I never understood that simple interaction between my friend and her mother.  I didn't understand what comfort and acceptance was about.  Now?  I have created a set of parents in my mind and they are very comforting, non-judgemental, warm and accepting.  I am trying to work my way to where you are feeling the feelings.  I understand how much it hurts and how desolate it can feel.  I've only been coming on this site for a bit, but it makes me feel stronger.  And I really admire you for allowing yourself to feel the pain.  I don't know for certain as I am new, but I believe that, in time, you will come to feel your inner strength and that this will give you peace.