BPDm, Dating, and my DD

[Dinah-sore]

I am so sorry to post again. I feel so needy and it makes me sick.

I am having a real hard time coping right now, and half of it is probably grief. I am suffering the loss of a loved one right now, and this loved one was the only person in my real life I could go to and tell everything to.

I am triggered. My BPDm was very much involved controlling the details of all of my dating relationships growing up. She would tell me who to date, give me major guilt if I wanted to break up with someone, and if a boyfriend wasn't being as attentive to me as she wanted them to she would force me to call them and say things to them that she thought of. "Just call him and say...." and if it went to the machine she would make me call every fifteen minutes. And when the boy would answer she would make me put him on speaker phone and she would sit next to me with a notepad and write down what she wanted me to say. If I didn't say what she had written down, she would hit the notepad with the pen until I said it. If I shook my head no to her, she would hit the notepad and force me to say it. Essentially, my mother was having arguments with my boyfriends. This happened all the time.

So now that my DD is old enough to have her own boyfriends, I am LOST. Right now my 14 DD is confused because she really likes her boyfriend. And I do too. He is so kind and encouraging and good to her. For so long my DD has been telling me that this is the one she is going to marry. They have been together about 9 months. I tried to caution her that she will have several boys that she dates before she gets married. She did not believe me. In the end, I want her to have someone who treats her like this boy treats her.

But now there is this other boy at school who likes her. This boy at school is stunningly adorable. All the girls like him, and last week he told someone that if my DD didn't have a boyfriend, that he would ask her out. I know this threw her for an emotional loop. I know she had butterflies at the thought of this. (she told me)

I am trying to NOT be my mom. I told her it is normal at her age to have feelings for two boys, but that she needs to really be honest with herself about how she feels. I was afraid that she would pretend not to like this boy at school out of obligation. And since then she seems to have gotten clear, that she likes both of them, but the boy at school is the shiny new thing.

This is where I am no good for her. MY EMOTIONS are stuck in my past. I have this feeling like remembering how my mom would tell me what to do, and I can hear the advice from my BPDm. So I am feeling guilt. What if her boyfriend gets his feelings hurt. What if she chooses this new boy and it doesn't work out, and she regrets dumping her boyfriend at church. What if she just tries to have them both. I have not spoken any of this to her, but I am carrying it like it is my job to fix everyone and make sure no one gets hurt. I don't want to teach her to stuff her feelings and do the "right" thing, but I do want to teach her how to trust her truth and make good choices without damaging people around her.

My DD has been feeling anxious, and she finally decided last night to tell her boyfriend that they should pull back and go back to being friends who like each other. This kind of bothers me (I don't know why). I feel like he has to know because of the timing. He knows that this boy at school just admitted to liking her last week, and now she wants to be just friends who like each other? Why do I feel like DD is doing something wrong? It is none of my business. I need to support her choices. I need to give her room to know her heart and even make mistakes. Her feelings matter just as much as any boy who likes her. I guess I just feel like she is making a mistake. Like the boy at school isn't going to be as good a match for her, that she only likes him because he is so cute. And that is NONE of my business. It is her life. I am also afraid that she is going to use boys like I did, just to chase that exciting feeling. I don't want her to burn through boys like money.

To make it worse, DD talked to BPDm about this, and my BPDm already did not like DD's boyfriend because she knows his parents (and BPDm hates everybody). So she used to call him mean names and call him fat and ugly to my DD, which my DD HATED. But when DD showed BPDm the picture of the boy from school my mom went on and on about how "sexy" he is (vomit). And got DD all pumped up about dumping her boyfriend for the "sexy" boy at school. My mom kept trying to do to DD what she did to me growing up, just talk bad about her boyfriend long enough that she believes what she is saying. So that adds a layer of nausea to my already FOGed feelings about all of this.

I need to talk to someone, to help process my past, so that I don't ruin my DD's future. Does anyone have any insight on how I can process this? What can I say to her to build her up and empower her to know her heart and follow her heart, and make good choices without pressuring her.

I feel a fear response too that makes me want to say, "Okay, enough with boys, let's just take a break from boys before you break all their hearts." But that is not healthy!!! LOL.

Even typing this out made me feel better. It was all swirling in my head like a hurricane. Between this, and my grief over my personal loss which is getting worse each month, and my icky feelings about my parents, and the fact that I can't talk to DH about this because he will just be harsh and dismissive. I need to talk to other mom's who have gone through this stage and know that it is normal. All my friends at church are really strict and don't let their kids talk to people they like, so they are no help.

Anyways, please forgive me that I keep posting. I feel so selfish. I am so sorry.

[FromTheSwamp]

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your loved one.  That sounds really hard, for many reasons, including that it is just so important to have someone you can talk to about the hard stuff. 

I hope you know you can talk about that stuff here, too, even if it's not the same.  You aren't bothering us or imposing.

Your DD is 14.  It's okay if she doesn't get the dating thing "right" at this age.  Keep guiding her to consider others' feelings, like you've been doing, and try to let her make her own mistakes.   It sucks that your mother got involved, because her influence is toxic.  You've been working on minimizing her influence in your family's life, which is a healthy direction.  It will take time. 

Be gentle with yourself, Dinah-sore. 

[Dinah-sore]

Thank you so much <3

You said, "Keep guiding her to consider other's feelings, like you've been doing, and try to let her make her own mistakes."

I kind of had a light bulb go off reading that. I think I was afraid to push the "other people's feelings" issue, even though it is valid, because I was dominated by "other people's feelings."

My DD is not living to please people, she is not walking on eggshells, she was not brought up to think her world would fall apart if she didn't please everyone and pretend to be happy all the time.

So other people's feelings is not a slave driver to her. It is just a nice thing to consider and be aware of. It won't hurt her if I ask her to just make decisions that honor her feelings while making sure she isn't behaving in a hurtful way.

See the difference for me was I was taught that my feelings didn't matter at all, the ONLY thing that mattered was other people's feelings.

But DD does care about people, she isn't hurtful, and her feelings matter as well as other people's feelings. She is a good kid.

Now I feel confused again, by swirling thoughts, but I think you are helping work through this. So thank you.

[FromTheSwamp]

Yes, her feelings should always come first!  It took me a long time to realize that my feelings mattered.  They never did in my family.  We should always consider our feelings, and THEN make sure we aren't running roughshod over other people's feelings.   Such an important distinction.

[all4peace]

I'm so sorry for the huge loss of your dear friend, and how you'd be feeling it at times like these especially.

This is definitely going to be one of those cases where it's easier for me to say what I think is right than to do it myself.

From my side of the screen, I'd say your DD is going to have many of the same disappointments in life that you had, being human, being a girl, being young. Just like I did, just like my DD is. It is SO hard to let our kids be hurt without rushing in and trying to make it all better.

What I'm trying to learn to do is to simply be a sounding board. I believe it's our job to unconditionally love and support our kids, give good counsel, but ultimately let them decide, make mistakes and get hurt. It's how they learn.

One thing that has seemed to be helpful for me with my DD is to talk about a "pros and cons" type of list in which they consider all the options, what is best in each category, and what most matches their values. While my value is higher on not hurting people, my DD places greater value on being a truth teller (despite sometimes hurting people), and your DD's highest values might be something entirely different.

I think we can teach our kids HOW to make decisions (consider their values, consider consequences, look at the big picture, then choose) but not WHAT those decisions necessarily may be (at least for those that are not about a clear right and wrong, but instead more about a tough choice).

Just my thoughts. Good luck--you're doing great!

[RavenLady]

And here we have three exemplary parents, all teaching adult children like me what functional parenting looks like. Thank you so much, to all three of you!

Dinah-sore, I have know I idea how I would navigate what you are experiencing, but what I do know, for sure, is that your kiddo is very lucky to have you as a mom.

[Fiasco]

Dinah I love A4Ps idea of pros and cons! I'm always trying to teach my kids life doesn't come with a "right answer" to every question and pros and cons is a great way to address this.

Also don't worry about posting too much for us. If we don't feel like reading or answering, we just won't! But if you're here posting a question you can bet there's a dozen people who can benefit from the discussion but are too shy to post.

[Orangecounty]

I'm sorry your mom treated you that way growing up. That sounds grossly inappropriate and controlling. Always feel you can come to this forum to unload or ask for advice, that's what it's here for We're all in the same boat, so it's nice to connect with others who have similar struggles.

As for your DD, she is only 14. It's ok, things will turn out the way they're supposed to. Life is full of learning experiences, sometimes we don't get everything right. We stumble, we make mistakes, we something think on how we could have reacted or done something differently. I think just being there for your daughter, showing her empathy and being considerate of her feelings is all that matters. Don't feel like you need to have all the answers, what parent does? You can only offer your support and provide suggestions. And don't confuse providing suggestions with what your mother did to you, which was entirely different. It's ok to offer guidance. I know you didn't experience this growing up so it can be hard to understand how to do it. I would encourage your daughter to follow her heart.

[daughterofbpd]

Never feel bad for posting.

Wow, your M really tried to live through you! I can't imagine. I guess I should be glad that my M was pretty disinterested in my social life. I think what your DD is going through is totally normal part of teen years. I went through a similar senereo one or twice & had to learn the hard way. I did learn from it and came out fine. I think you have to just trust that you gave your DD the tools to make good decisions but she will also make mistakes and that is okay too.

I am wondering if you might talk to DD about grandma's influence...Can you tell her that your M gets unhealthily invested in things like that and you'd rather she not talk to her about those types of things? I know that's kind of tricky, maybe someone else has a suggestion about how to go about that...

Good luck & take care.

[Dinah-sore]

Thank you all so much. Your comments really put things in perspective. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you all. <3