Screaming in our home

[Jsinjin]

My uOCPDw keeps screaming at us.   At me, and at the kids.   It's an escalation that happens anytime things don't go her way morally.   One kid doesn't like to do her homework and is quite negative about doing it.   But my wife isn't angry that it is or isn't getting done.   She is angry that the kid doesn't feel the homework is important.   The wife is angry about the principle of the motivation and not about whether or not it gets done.   The anger isn't confined to her internally, the anger is violent and loud and couple with threats of holding her back in school and screaming at the other kids.

I don't understand it.

[PeanutButter]

Oh thats just so sad for all of you.
Yes the way that disordered persons minds work is not something I can ever relate to or make sense of.
For a long time I was operating from the belief that unpdxH and I (while married) had the same goals and outcome in mind for our family life and relationships. I couldnt have been more wrong. So it could never work. He was going to have it all go HIS way. He did not even consider the things that I thought about and worked towards

[Wilderhearts]

I think pwOCPD need absolute validation, in all ways and at all times, that their "logical" and "moral" frameworks are absolutely Right.  I see these frameworks or personal systems of logic as replacement for thoughtful consideration and judgement - which would be too overwhelming for them because they can't tolerate uncertainty.

Any time we do something that isn't aligned with their "logic" or "morals," they take it personally, and see it as a direct challenge to their logic/morals.  Maybe in the same way the pwBPD see somebody disagreeing with them, or experiencing a situation differently, as emotional invalidation.

Then comes in the Righteous Indignation, and belief that they're entitled to control everyone, no matter how much harm it causes them.  That's something I experienced very keenly with the pwOCPD in my life - she was willing to cause unlimited amounts of harm to others if it spared her just a little pain that was being caused by her fear and anxiety. 

That's my understanding of how pwOCPD judge and react to their environments (mind you, we're just objects in their environments).  It makes it a little more predictable for me to understand the pattern of behaviour, and the pattern of thought behind the behaviour, even if it's completely illogical.

[Jsinjin]

I think pwOCPD need absolute validation, in all ways and at all times, that their "logical" and "moral" frameworks are absolutely Right.  I see these frameworks or personal systems of logic as replacement for thoughtful consideration and judgement - which would be too overwhelming for them because they can't tolerate uncertainty.

Any time we do something that isn't aligned with their "logic" or "morals," they take it personally, and see it as a direct challenge to their logic/morals.  Maybe in the same way the pwBPD see somebody disagreeing with them, or experiencing a situation differently, as emotional invalidation.

Then comes in the Righteous Indignation, and belief that they're entitled to control everyone, no matter how much harm it causes them.  That's something I experienced very keenly with the pwOCPD in my life - she was willing to cause unlimited amounts of harm to others if it spared her just a little pain that was being caused by her fear and anxiety. 

That's my understanding of how pwOCPD judge and react to their environments (mind you, we're just objects in their environments).  It makes it a little more predictable for me to understand the pattern of behaviour, and the pattern of thought behind the behaviour, even if it's completely illogical.

This has to be the most succinct and completely brilliant description of my spouse that I could have ever dreamed of.   Thank you.   She does get angriest at what she sees as a moral slight.   Our son does all of his homework and gets good grades but hates english.   He does his work with the level of effort that gets him an A but in the case of something like Steinbeck or Romeo and Juliet, he looks up what a group of experts think is the correct interpretation of some passage or theme, collects several of those, converts the general ideas into his own words and turns in the paper.   My wife becomes violently upset that he doesn't care about the actual author or class enough to develop his own theses.

[Wilderhearts]

That sounds incredibly frightening.  I witnessed a lot of narcissistic rage by my father, but as I said to a newcomer the other day, OCPD rage is a different kind of frightening, and it's because it's backed by such well-developed but warped logic that there's another layer to the crazy-making, making it even harder to figure out.  pwOCPD are also so precise in how they mete out their rage. 

This may get lost in the violent outbursts, or maybe it hasn't, but the fact that your kid is not only a dedicated student, but excels in school, and is enduring rages over cutting a corner here or there could really affect how he perceives reality and himself.  It sounds like her emotional reactions to his "moral failures" are so extreme and frightening that they may overshadow any positive reactions, and engrain the belief that only his failures matter.  I know at times I struggle with black and white thinking, and over generalization (the kind common with anxiety/depression), as a result of my uNPDf's reactions I witnessed as the GC.  I make a small mistake, miss the bus and am late for work, and I see myself as incompetent, a terrible employee, and a "shit show." 

I don't know much about your situation.  Are these conversations you can have with DS, or is he getting support with coping with his mother's behaviour?  My mom gave me "Walking on Eggshells" around the time I read Romeo and Juliet - it was when I first realized my dad must've had a PD.

I'm glad my survival mechanism of going inwards and "figuring people out" when I'm traumatized could benefit you too, hehe. 

[Jsinjin]

My oldest fell apart completely.  She was a cadet at one of the US military acadrmies and fell apart emotionally wiht severe anxiety and depression her second semester.   She lives with my mom.now.   my son handles things better but I do worry.   My youngest daughter is the worst basket case of all.    She can't even decide to throw something away without anxiety.

[SparkStillLit]

Yikes. My H is this way and flips a lid over any perceived "error" on any of our parts. He himself won't act and just lets shit happen in case HE makes an error. He can't tolerate any error. I can't tell you how many times per day I'm picked at or how, if I tell any sort of anecdote (which I've mostly stopped doing), he flares up at some little part, "do they hate you at work? Do they think you're faking it? Did you get in trouble? Most places won't tolerate mistakes like that. Are you going to get fired? These stories stress me out. They're so terrible. Was your boss mad?" And on and on and on and on.
I'm always, "......what?......no.....why would anyone be mad/think I'm false/fire me/care about that/have that reaction....."
And heaven forbid you do something at home.

[notrightinthehead]

My oldest fell apart completely.  She was a cadet at one of the US military acadrmies and fell apart emotionally wiht severe anxiety and depression her second semester.   She lives with my mom.now.   my son handles things better but I do worry.   My youngest daughter is the worst basket case of all.    She can't even decide to throw something away without anxiety.

How about you pack an emergency bag for yourself and show the kids how to pack one for themselves and next time your wife screams you give the signal and you three leave the house with your emergency bags? Maybe you could model some healthy behaviour for your children? If you don't have anybody to put you up overnight, is there a shelter near where you can go? Maybe next time your wife smashes something you lock yourself and your kids in the bathroom and call the police and tell them that you are scared for your kids and yourself?
After you asked you employer to put your salary into your own account to which your wife has no access to, the temper tantrums might escalate significantly to the extend of being dangerous. Prepare yourself for that with emergency bags (read up on what to put in) and keep them in the boot of your car/garage someplace where you and the kids can get to it. By getting control over your money, you are taking back some control over your life. You will have a better negotiating position. You might be able to request some changes in her behaviour. You are doing that for the children and yourself. I hope your older daughter is getting some really good trauma therapy.