My body bears the burden

[sonofanarc]

Its been a while since ive posted here.  This forum helped me greatly back in 2015 when i started to break away from my narcissistic family of origin.

I Learned the hard way that holding boundaires with my father  significantly helps my state of being. Our relationship has improved significantly and he no longer triggers me at a conscious level. Ive come to palace of acceptance that he will never change.

what I have noticed over the past 2-3 years is that when ever i see him on my own, a few days later, my body reacts through incapacitating joint pains affecting the tendons of my knees, ankles or toes. I've seen doctors and they can't fathom it out. I  have come to the conclusion its likely psychogenic in origin.

Because of this, i limit my contact with my father significantly, which upsets him however is better for my body.

I am curious to read of other people's experiences of how their bodies react when around a narcissistic family member?

[SonofThunder]

Agree.  You may be interested in the book 'The Body Keeps the Score'. Fascinating read and can be a bit technical, but overall, very interesting.

SoT

[Hazy111]

Yep, battling with many health conditions and auto immune conditions as a result of childhood trauma . C-ptsd. Very common.  But causes only now becoming recognised. " Body does indeed Keep the Score"

[SunnyMeadow]

Auto immune condition here too. Caused permanent damage and ongoing issues for which I take medications daily. The extreme stress of dealing with my NPDm set off a firestorm in my body.

I was prescribed valium for stress so I don't get a big flare up. So I take that when I see her. Talk about ridiculous, medicate before a visit...fun times. 

[SonofThunder]

Yes autoimmune's here also.  I personally believe that stressors (fight or flight) hold the key to most autoimmune disorders and the number of people here who saw relief once permanently away from disordered people is astounding.  We would make an excellent test group and prob help to solve autoimmunes. 

SoT

[Hazy111]

SofT  youre correct . I have done much research on this. Its to do with fluctuating cortisol ( stress hormones)  levels . Our thermostat of sorts is set in childhood and is out of kilter for life by the trauma.

Autoimmune conditions are  triggered by low bouts of cortisol. Prolonged high cortisol can trigger  "Cushings syndrome" ( high fat levels in mid riff , classical beer belly) ) high blood pressure and Type II diabetes .

If i see a person with autoimmune or premature health issues i always think C-ptsd.  I know many PDs and  children of PDs battling with illness and think "The body keeps the Scores" and they arent even 50.

Addictions and compulsions are also a way of self medicating conditions born of trauma.  Forget genetics its staring you in the face. (Rosacea in my case)

[Cat of the Canals]

I have endometriosis and have managed it very well since my diagnosis a few years ago. I'm asymptomatic about 95% of the time.

But my PDmil just visited this past week. It was the first time we've seen her in two years, and despite feeling like I handled it well on an emotional/mental level, my body has a different opinion. Suddenly my symptoms are back. It was eye-opening to realize that perhaps one of the main reasons I've had such an easy time managing it is that I no longer have to interact with her or my own PDmom on a regular basis.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Yes, same here.
   
I only became aware of it when I noticed a pattern of feeling well, more energetic, and "lighter" when not around family. I always had frequent headaches, colds and flu. Lethargy and lack of interest in caring for myself were also present. With limited contact, all that is gone. I was amazed. I think our entire bodies somehow absorb these dynamics.   
       
You matter. Take care of you. Your health and well being are important. 

[Justme729]

Yes, my anxiety ramps up really bad.   

[sonofanarc]

thanks for the responses. It helps validate what's going on for me.

i did read The body keeps the score and some other books on somatizing a while back.

I also developed type 2 diabetes a few years ago, always held a little more weight than necessary. Easy to blame the obesity however that in itself stems from childhood trauma.

I find the research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) interesting and am intrigued as to how little aware the medical profession is of this important work when it comes to dis-ease

[blues_cruise]

Yes, the body most definitely keeps the score (excellent book). We tense our muscles when under stress, plus ​your amygdala is possibly sending the message to your body to go into fight or flight mode. It sounds like your legs are perhaps prepping to flee the situation.

I had this a lot when I was still in contact with my abusive parent, plus it happens in situations now where the people I'm with are logically safe enough but there's something about the scenario which triggers an emotional flashback to a time when I most likely experienced something traumatic. When I worked in an office and was sat down all day in an unpredictable environment it was awful - far too similar to sitting in a hostile classroom for my inner child.

I get so much adrenaline coursing through my body in normal, everyday encounters that it's unreal and it's definitely taking its toll. A lot of it results in abdominal pain for me which I think is due to the gut/brain axis. It stands to reason because if your body continuously thinks it needs to run away from a situation then the energy used for digestion gets diverted elsewhere and it all goes out of whack.

[Happypants]

Yes.  I've struggled with anxiety since I was a teenager, probably in relation to shaming (I was a chronic blusher and that triggered its own issues) and trying to differentiate from my parents.  Early twenties I began breaking free and started going my own way despite my relationship with my father growing tenser, but a balance issue crept up on me that began restricting how my life progressed from there.  The anxiety was exacerbated by becoming the scapegoat when I moved in with my partner, the balance issue worsened (turned out to be gluten intolerance) then I was floored by an adrenal issue for a few years as well as joint issues.  I have hints of possible autoimmune issues on top of the gluten intolerance - Sjogren's symptoms, Raynaud's (since i was a kid), and possible coeliac - and now digestive issues.  When we get out of town I feel like a different person - my shoulders physically drop, I have more energy, my achy joints aren't an issue, and as long as I remain disciplined, my mind opens up to happier possibilities for the future again.  But when we come home, I know it's only a matter of time before contact or a visit.  It makes me realise that despite thinking i have full awareness of how they affect me day-to-day, i really don't.  I can feel the subtle physical changes very soon after returning home. 

With the lifting of restrictions, my parents visits have increased.  And where previously, (typical anxiety symptoms aside) the physical effects would grow quietly in the background over the following days.  More recently, I'm sad to say that i feel heat, boiling stomach and a shut-off mind while in their company.  I'm sorry you've had to resort to limiting contact, but I'm so glad you're feeling the benefit x

[wesorya]

Yes I have found this too. After much reduced contact with my parents last year and separation and divorce, my chronic migraines were the best they had been for quite some time - despite the pandemic and 6 months of homeschooling!
AFter almost 10 months without migraines last year, I saw my parents on Christmas Eve morning, felt migraine brewing that afternoon - full blown by end of Christmas Day - took three weeks to recover.

I recently discovered the work of Dr. Sarno and Alan Gordon on TMS regarding the mind body connection, and have found it very interesting, and hope to read and work through some of it over the next few months. The ideas sit well with my thoughts and understanding of trauma and c-ptsd and it's effect on the brain, and links in to the information in The body keeps the score.

I wish you well in your journey and hope that you find some relief soon x

[sonofanarc]

Again reassuring to read how others are impacted. thanks to those that have responded.

My father really is a piece of work that is adept at so adept playing the victim. I wrote about this many years ago about my reflections on growing up in a narcissistic family system. his attempts to guilt trip continue.

At my daughter’s wedding 2 days ago he wanted to talk to me about our relationship and how heartbroken that we are not as close as we used to be. The reality is we were never close and yet he has this belief  that at some point in the past we were. I think  back in those  days  I was compliant and my inner child  was trying to always seek his love and approval. I now speak my truth to him which he finds so hurtful.  Even my brother law was trying to rescue him by asking me what could i not just show my father some love in his old age. I can see how my father is still recruiting the flying monkeys.

I didn’t respond to my father as that would get me back on the drama Triangle. I just changed the subject. I tried explaining to by BiL that i can't manufacture love and that it was so deficient whilst i was a child i can't begin to feel it as an adult. He could not understand what i was explaining.

The next day I realised how much I am triggered me and my elbow was beginning to ache which is normally the case. 3 months LC before seeing him and 3 months of joint free pain.

I wanted to tell my father how much he pissed me off by being so insensitive in raising this topic on my daughter's wedding and once again making it all about himself. , my wife cautioned me that it would achieve nothing and best just to move on which is what I chose to do.

It is sad to say, but in some way I am looking for the day that he crosses on to the next world wherever that may be and I’ll be free from his continued attempts to try and FOG me into compliance. He is 90-next year and at this rate may outlive me.

[SunnyMeadow]

It is sad to say, but in some way I am looking for the day that he crosses on to the next world wherever that may be and I'll be free from his continued attempts to try and FOG me into compliance. He is 90-next year and at this rate may outlive me.

I have this same thought daily! Only when my uNPDmother passes will I be free. I went NC for a while and she was constantly a nagging thought in my mind. Not as much as when I was in communication with her, but still there.

I think you're right about your dad thinking how close you used to be because you were compliant at the time. Exactly the same for me. I know my mother can feel a difference in our relationship. I used to tell her everything now I tell her about the weather and the most boring things that have nothing to do with me or my family. She doesn't deserve any more than that.

As for your BIL, he should mind his own business or spend his time fawning over your father.

[sonofanarc]

As for your BIL, he should mind his own business or spend his time fawning over your father.

It didn't occur to me until after that conversation that it may have been better for me to ask my BiL  how does he know I know i dont love my father enough and why does  it matter so much to him? I likely know the the projection he is making,  - his father was an alcoholic who left his mum, remarried and died in his 50's -  his stepmother was schizophrenic and eventually jailed for attempted murder - so his own FOO was as dysfunctional if not more so (not that its a competition) than mine.

I like BiL - he's a good guy, just scarred of therapy, therapists and happy to stay asleep to his own trauma. Each to his/her own.

[blacksheep7]

Hello sonofanarc,

I'm sorry for your experience.

When I first joined this forum in 2016 your post in the welcome mat, reflections growing up in a narcissitic family was the first one I read and it hit me hard.  For one, I understood your pain because it was similar to mine  and all of us here.  I knew I was in the right place.

In my early thirties I started having severe anxiety followed by panic attacks soon after.  I started T, then in my forties joined 12 step meetings mostly concentrating on anxiety and my toxic relationships with men.  I have to add that is was not until I joined this forum that I discovered narcissism & personality disorders which held the truth, the under layer behind all of my sufferings.....my parents.   I read all I could to educate myself, most references that I got here.

It does impact our body for a lifetime.    They say that our gut is our second brain and I had proof of that.  When I went nc  with covert/enabler M in 2010 after my NF died, I started having a pain in my stomach.  As I walked after a few minutes I had this pain which would get stronger as I would advance. Plus I had Migraines everyday for months.  What the heck?!  It was all the Rage against my NF and now NF that had been bottled up for decades which was coming to the surface.  I didn't know all this then, wasn't in T and did not know that my body was reacting to this.  My M was  covert/passive-aggressive in her behavior when NF was alive.  Once he died, she took over and brought the past back with emotional blackmail and raged at me, walking out. That's why I went nc on the spot saying to myself «I am not going to live this crap again in my life, no way,  not at my age, 55, period.»  My anti-depressants were at the max in dosage when I went to see my doc. He added other meds but it wasn't a good mix, I started convulsions, lost my balance.  I wasn't safe being alone. I  ended up in the hospital doing tests.  No T.  OMgosh, that's what I needed then!  I thought I could get through this on my own.

Even though it was the meds that brought on the convulsions, the bottom line was the childhood trauma.  All this stress from our Pds  leads us to being frail, having difficulty coping with hardships in life.  No support, guidance, reference, empathy and unconditional love with little  or no self-esteem gives us a bad start in life for sure.

I reconnected with M to go back to nc a second and last time in 2017.  I just couldn't see myself having a relationship with her, always undermining me and/or emotional blackmail when I didn't agree or go along with her. She will be turning 90 next year.

Take care

[xredshoesx]

Agree.  You may be interested in the book 'The Body Keeps the Score'. Fascinating read and can be a bit technical, but overall, very interesting.

SoT

i second SOT's recommendation.  for whatever reason (nature/ nurture) if i can't respond in the moment with an emotion for whatever reason this happens to me as well. 

[Amadahy]

I had Guillain Barre Syndrome as a child and believe it was, at least in part, due to my paralyzing fear of my Nmother.  I've had severe hives in anticipation of contact and I've had gastrointestinal upset, always, in her presence.  I think you're wise to take care of yourself.  I second The Body Keeps the Score and also suggest videos on youtube that deal with addressing our trauma somatically -- try Irene Lyon, Sukie Baxter, Pete Levine, Therapy in a Nutshell and others.

[doglady]

I second 'The Body Keeps the Score,' too.
Gabor Mate is also amazing on all this stuff.

Regarding specific physical symptoms, my chronic and severe migraines stopped almost instantly when I moved out of the family home and went to university in a city two hours away at age 18.

My IBS symptoms, rosacea, exhaustion, depression and heart palpitations all reduced markedly when I finally went NC about two years ago at the ripe old age of 56.

Food for thought isn't it?