I put an end to it all

[Fedup2020]

I dont know how I feel. Quite confused, I guess. One minute I feel strong. That I did the right thing. Next I feel guilt and that I've gone overboard.

All I do know is that I couldnt continue with how things were. I was starting to really lose my patience, and unable to keep pretending that all was okay for much longer.

Everyone around her takes the abuse from her and just acts like it never happened once she gets out of her mood. Myself included. This obviously gives the message that she can continue doing this and all is okay. When it's really not. She makes no effort to stop this kind of behaviour. She sometimes apologises, but has told me about how she has said sorry to others but never meant it. It's pretty obvious that her apologies arent sincere the majority of the time anyway.

I just can not be a part of this anymore. I dont deserve this kind of treatment, and I dont want or need to allow myself to be subjected to it.
Being told to die and things like that are just going to the extreme. Along with the expectation of me pretending things like that were never said to begin with. Just no.

She is getting worse, not better so getting out now is probably for the best. Just the other day she was threatening to pour a boiled kettle of water over a member of staff.
Daughter or not...that is not the type of person I want in my life. I'm nothing like that, confrontation of any kind frightens me. So you can imagine the level of anxiety all of this has been causing me.
It's time to help myself heal from all of this.
I will push on through the guilt. I just hope I remain strong enough to stick to this, because I dont want to end up back into the cycle.

[Free2Bme]

Fedup,

First, I am sorry for your pain.  There is something very particular about going through something like this with your own child.  My DS went through a very difficult time after my divorce, he was acting out and very belligerent to me, it became extreme.  I put up with it for a very long time, my anxiety was off the charts and I couldn't sleep at night. Finally after many warnings, I told him to leave.  This was quite possibly the hardest thing I ever had to do.  This DS18 has been the SG, and suffered a lot from updxh.  I felt guilty responsible for everything that happened to my kids.  After he moved out, there was tremendous relief followed by guilt for feeling relieved.  I feared I would not recover if something happened to him, "what if I had just tried this or that, or given him more time, and on and on".  Control was just an illusion on my part.

I had already shown him love, acceptance, tolerance, and chances. I came to conclusion that love takes on different forms and responses, especially for parents.  The most loving thing I could do for DS was to have him move out.  No one on the planet would tolerate this from another person, DS needed this lesson and I couldn't keep giving him a roadmap to a world that doesn't exist. 

I had to keep telling myself this was good for HIM.  I suggest you resist the urge to check up on your DD and just try to unplug from the stress and drama a bit.  Let your brain and emotions heal and take the position of a passive observer when possible. 

I'm not sure if you have other children or folks that depend upon you but it is not fair to others when an adult child consumes all of our energy and resources like this.   

Be good to yourself, you are not alone 

[Fedup2020]

Thank you for your reply. The way you have worked how you handled your situation has been very helpful.
I am currently still bouncing back and forth with how I feel. 80% is positive about it (as positive as you can be) and 20% is the negatives coming in like you mentioned "what if I just do this" etc.


The part when you mentioned about the roadmap to a world that doesnt exist makes so much sense. That's exactly how I feel it has been for my daughter.

My oldest son is apparently arguing with her over messages now as she has started with him and trying to turn him against me. So that is really making me question whether contact with her siblings would be good or not.

[momnthefog]

My oldest son is apparently arguing with her over messages now as she has started with him and trying to turn him against me. So that is really making me question whether contact with her siblings would be good or not.

I think this is a great question.  I barely have the emotional stamina and resources to deal with the PD.  How in the world can someone so much younger and less experienced have the emotional stamina for such a relationship.  We've been in family counseling for a long time so having a therapist  capable of unwinding the family dynamics for the younger kids (who are all adults now) was priceless.

As a mom, I pictured a time when I'd be gone and the kids would rely on one another and there would be this warm sibling relationship.  Just as cutting off contact goes against our maternal wiring, so does breaking up the siblings.  As a mother, I came to understand that sometimes I had to protect the children from the evil within the family.

Finding peace and acceptance with our decisions is part of coming Out of the FOG and our life's journey.  Its and ebb and flow...one step forward and sometimes one or two steps back but always moving as best we can Out of the FOG.

You are not alone.

Hugs,

momnthefog

[Fedup2020]

Thank you momnthefog!
Yes, it is incredibly difficult as an adult to deal with all of this. Nevermind a child. I never looked at it from that point of view, but it is a great point of view.

I decided to allow contact, and just monitor how that goes. I do think it will be okay, but time will tell.
It has not happened yet. It was supposed to happen some time this week, but as I mentioned in my other post, she is back in hospital. So chances of it going ahead seem rather slim.

[Fedup2020]

It has just been suggested that I do family work. This came from a psychologist or something like that, who thinks it will be beneficial for a relationship to be built up again.

I havent long done that kind of work. It doesnt work. I can do work after work after work on myself, but it's not me that is the issue. It's her behaviour and abuse towards me that is.
Is their work aimed at increasing my tolerance levels, so that I sit back quietly and take the abuse?

Because that was actually suggested to me when she was 12. "Just let her say whatever to you. Let her get it all off of her chest. Dont respond or react. Just listen"
While I'm standing there with a 4-5 year old, I had to stand and allow her to call me a c word, and every other lettered word.
That baffled me then, and still does to this day. If professionals are suggesting to her that she does that, and they suggest that I allow it...what message is that giving her? Seriously!

I had done nothing to deserve that then, just like I've done nothing to deserve it this time around.
So why should I keep putting myself out there to be bashed with a load of verbal.

I told them no. I told them it would just be repeating the same thing again, where everything is okay for a little while and then she will start again.
I have had enough of it. This has been an ongoing pattern. The focus needs to be on working on her. Only she refuses to do any real work on herself since she focuses on pinning the blame elsewhere.

No doubt now I will be part of the reason she doesnt progress (by professionals), because I've "abandoned" her in her time of need.

Forget all of the hurt she has dished out. Shes got a mental illness. My mental health doesnt matter. My other children's mental health doesnt matter. The world has to revolve around her.

That has been wrote with a mixture of anger, hurt and guilt. So if it is all over the place, that is why. Needed the rant.

[PeanutButter]

Im not familar with family work. Hopefully someone has experience with it will pop in here.
Rant away. I hope you are ok today.
The only way i could IME see rebuilding the relationship would be after an end to all the abuse of any kind and then forgiving before that would work.
But IMO forgiveness isnt something you should practice while the 'harm' is STILL happening.
IMO the proffessionals should be able to come up with a plan forward for her regardless of what you do.

[momnthefog]

I went to one counseling session with BPDd. It was a disaster.

Most therapists or counselors while well meaning have no experience with pathological personality disorders.

I agree that she has a lot of personal issues to work on.

Maybe a compromise might be that you and other children will do family work and AFTER she has 8 (that's a random #) individual sessions you will have joint session.

Momnthefog

[Fedup2020]

Thank you both once again! Just knowing others are listening and understanding is so helpful! This position is a very lonely position to be in.

I agree they should be able to  come up with a plan regardless of my involvement, and hopefully they do soon. Because I just cant do anymore.

As for it being joint sessions, it's not. Which again, kind of points the finger at me. My daughter wouldn't even be aware that I was doing these sessions.
I'm starting to find it quite offensive the more I sit back and think about the amount of effort and stuff I have put in, in order to try and help. When in reality, I think the only thing that I have helped is by doing things in order to keep the peace.

For so long my inner voice has been  screaming at myself due to the fact I've been being told to do things that make no sense to me. Like "dont respond to negativity, only respond to positive messages" which makes sense. It really does. But as time goes on and those negative messages that get ignored wind her up more, so the negativity ends up lasting longer. When a positive message comes about that I actually respond to, pretending that no negativity has happened...it doesnt give the message that that kind of behaviour is wrong. For some it probably could and would, but with my daughter it clearly doesnt do anything other than give her the message that it is perfectly okay to speak to people in that way.

Just to add that there is no work planned or suggested for my other children. It's literally just me.

This has been going on since she was 10. It is only now that I am saying no to these things, so you can imagine how much I've tried.
Children services are not involved with me and my other children. they did nothing but praise me and my kids along with reassuring me constantly that it hasnt been my parenting that caused this. Yet it still feels like they're pointing the finger at me.

[PeanutButter]

Im glad to be here for you.
It sounds like for a very long time that you have done everything that was suggested since you didnt know yourself what to do. But now through the experiencing of the outcomes of some of the tactics you are not seeing any good results. This is not acceptable. IMO Is your gut (intuition) telling you the same?
IMO I think they (D's care team) are FAILING in their methods and expectations of trying to integrate your D back into the family.
Why is it that even with their treatment protocol in place she is still not able to interact with her family in a non volitile manner? Why is it that she is acting out this much under their care?
When you speak to the care facility next, can you say (confidently, even if you have to fake it) that you expect her treatment to have a stabalizing effect on her behavior issues before you expose your family to her again? I dont think that is too much to expect.
The finger pointing at you may be that they are trying to absolve themselves of their responsibility. IME Dont take it to heart.