Worse, most embarrassing experience of my life.
We only went to a local carvery. Pretty low key. 10 mins after ordering hes already kicking off that its taking too long.
I explained to him that generally they do have to cook the food. Its almost as if hes forgotten how restaurants work.....
I disappear to the toilet come back and hes managed to upset the young waitress by telling how slow they are!
Then he manages to upset another family by loudly proclaiming they must be something special to get their food before him....
To top it all off, a family come in with 3 young kids. Kids are good as gold but Dad hates kids. So again, top of his voice, we get his opinion on how kids should behave.
Finished off with him once again putting the poor waitress in a position by telling her £27 ($35) is a rip off and they should be ashamed. Umm seriously.
I told him his behaviour was bad but he just brushes it all off. Never listens. That'll be the last time I take him out in public.
Ohh and he also did the "shuffle waif walk" as I call it. Where he makes damn sure I see how ill he is by literally expecting me to carry him to the bathroom in the restaurant. When I pulled up outside his house hes got this thing where hes got to check the house is still is as hes left it. He was out of the car, half way across before I'd got out of the car. Over big doorstep and onto chairlift in record time...
It'd taken literally 5 mins to go 20 yards to the bathroom in the restaurant....
He even started the day off badly. Told him I'd collect him at 12 to 1230. Got there 1208 and got told I'm always late, and need to be be more organised. I'd been up since 830am taking stuff back to the store my kids wanted to swap, putting more xmas presents together. Then driving the 25 miles to his house. So sorry about that 8 minutes you had to wait!!!!!
Well. He's impatient and demanding and self-involved - nothing new. Embarrassed as you may have been, you're not responsible for his behavior. Reasonable people will see and know that, and it's not yours to fix anyway.
You have a place to begin. I wouldn't offer to take him out in future. If he asks, you're not available. Learn No and mean it.
Quote from: p123 on December 26, 2021, 01:06:18 PM
I explained to him that generally they do have to cook the food.
This gave me a good laugh.
Well, I think he's shown once again how much he appreciates your effort: not at all. He can't behave himself enough to be invited to your home for Xmas. And now he can't even behave himself in public.
I don't blame you for not wanting a repeat of that outing. If someone behaved that appallingly in my presence, I would never go anywhere with them again.
Whoo-hoo! You've ended Christmases with him, and now you're done with Boxing Day!
Quote from: Cat of the Canals on December 26, 2021, 02:01:06 PM
Quote from: p123 on December 26, 2021, 01:06:18 PM
I explained to him that generally they do have to cook the food.
This gave me a good laugh.
Well, I think he's shown once again how much he appreciates your effort: not at all. He can't behave himself enough to be invited to your home for Xmas. And now he can't even behave himself in public.
I don't blame you for not wanting a repeat of that outing. If someone behaved that appallingly in my presence, I would never go anywhere with them again.
That's the thing. If these people weren't related to us there's no way we would spend five minutes with them, let alone take them out for a nice meal.
But we are related and have been trained from birth to be their emotional dustbins/support animals. They often rule by Fear when we are young and they are powerful. As we become adults and they become frail, they flip over into manipulation through Obligation and Guilt, which keep us within their control so we can continue to serve our purpose (emotional dustbins/support animal).
You know this mate, but you are still a bit foggy so your boundaries are a bit wobbly (I say this with great respect) and you let the mean old geezer get away with being a total dick. (Less respect here!).
I really hope you can start the new year with a clear vision of what you will no longer accept from this old tyrant.
Quote from: p123 on December 26, 2021, 01:06:18 PM
putting more xmas presents together.
Oh boy, that brings back memories. I think any parent that has assembled gifts gets a free pass as far as having to do anything else on the holiday.
So, as far as your dad, I agree with those who have already posted. Time to set another boundary - no more taking him to restaurants. I'm pretty sure everyone in the restaurant realized it was him, not you, though, so don't feel bad. One time (actually more than one time) my mom was very rude to a waitress. So when mom went to the restroom, I found the waitress and apologized over and over and gave her an extra tip. She just laughed and said not to worry about it, they deal with grumpy old people all the time, and they know it's not the fault of the grumpy person's children.
A new year is almost here - time to set new boundaries and shore up the old ones. You can do it!!!
P123 - he's given you a gift - another list of unjustifiable behaviours to add to your arsenal of reasons to not bow to his every whim.
:doh:
Your dad sounds like my dad. They're embarrassing in public. Mine used to complain about prices, too. One day, as a child he took me shopping for schoolbags. He took me to an open market wanting to get the best deal for a bag (btw, they were VERY cheap but my dad thinks that if something is not almost free then it's expensive). He'd mock every sales person who had prices that didn't go into his 'acceptable schoolbag price'. NF doesn't understand that products, food, services COST money and that he shouldn't yell at people if the prices are higher than what he thinks acceptable. The money he pays feeds families!
I've never been shopping with dad ever since. Going out with him for a meal will probably turn into your scenario so I avoid that as much as I can.
Sorry that you went through that. At least now you know not to take him out again due to the stress he is causing you. It's not worth it. I would just visit him for 10 minutes with someone else present and that's it. (if I had to be in contact)
Thanks all..... I just don't understand his behaviour at all....
OK we live in different worlds, he does not go out to fancy restaurants etc. But hes been out before. Its almost as if hes forgotten how it all works. i.e. they bring starter, then main course, then desert, then you get the bill. He wanted it all on the table in front of him in 5 mins.
I tried to say "dad there no rush, what are you doing later?" Knowing hes just going home to sit in his flat. But no he got more and more irate, with outbusts of his favourite "Suffering!!!! How long does it take?" It pretty much takes over him.
Of course, he gets ruder and ruder then to fellow diners and waiting staff.
I tried to speak to him later and he just does not see hes done anything wrong. His attitude is "well they should be quicker".
Like everyone said, its a gift. I wont feel guilty that I never take him out anywhere thats for sure.
Oh he rounded off the day well. If you've followed my posts, my wife doesnt speak to him (his fault 1000%). He knows hes burned his bridges there.
Still couldnt resist saying "well with it being xmas and all, I hope your wife (no name here!) has decided to let it go now and talk to me".
I just laughed. You'd have to live to age 250 for that to happen I'm afraid.....
In a way its sad but hes made his own bed. He was on his own xmas day.
- I can't have him at my house
- My brother made up some excuse. (my brother is a loser but I can see his point - dad tends to dictate to people how the day should go)
- His FM cousin was all talk then didnt invite him.
- His own sister had her daughter visit and a big family dinner. Told him it was a surprise otherwise they'd have invited him up! (yeh right they know what hes like more like).
I just pray I never end up like that with everyone avoiding me as best they can......
That must have been hard. My dad has been like this in restaurants. It's appalling behaviour. He once forgot himself completely and told a baby to 'shut up'. He thought he'd said it quietly, but the parents heard. We quickly left that restaurant.
He really can't stand the noise of children. My UNPDsister does it. On sitting down in my local family carvery. ( after having changed her seat three times) she exclaimed, pretty loudly,
'Now, will someone please get that baby out?'
Eek.
I went home and googled 'difficult relatives'. I was still in the fog at the time, so it was a revelation to discover from my research that we are NOT obliged to allow people to abuse us, just because they are family.
She wasn't invited again.
You've no obligation to do it again.
At my auntie's wake, my dad sat down and demanded to know why the food wasn't immediately served as he arrived! He feigns ill health at funerals too, for attention
Could you get one of those takeaway Christmas dinners for him next year? Bakeries do them sometimes. You could then eat in with him?
Once they feel they have an audience ( the other people in the restaurant) they start playing to the crowd.
Another suggestion would be to choose a restaurant where the tables are very far apart. There's far less opportunity for them to posture.
My dad also behaves better in Italian restaurants as opposed to British! No idea why!
Garlic? Emotional vampires?
I'm sorry that you went through that. His rudeness is on him and not a reflection of you. Certainly no need to feel guilty for not taking him out again.
My dad was the same.
He was OK if he was in control. If choose the restaurant and was paying then obviously it was the best restaurant ever. ::)
If anyone else in the family organised something he would be awful.
I stopped inviting him and then he would complain that we didn't take him out like the children of his friends.
It was an unwinnable game, so I stopped playing.
Quote from: Boat Babe on December 27, 2021, 08:48:22 PM
Garlic? Emotional vampires?
This is hilarious boat babe! 😂😂😂😂😂
Haha! My bet on the Italian restaurant is that stereotypes keep him in line. "The Godfather" and all that. Also possible he got himself royally told off in an Italian restaurant at some point in the past and hasn't recovered. My experience with Italian families (my enDad's side) is that most of them don't take crap. Especially "Mamas." :blink:
Eating in public is a giant show for any drama loving cluster B PD though. It's an awesome opportunity to make a scene, make everybody hate them, and then play up the victim role. As they age, they think they can get away with more because they're less likely to get decked by aggrieved patrons. Nobody says anything because they're old. They can get away with it. Or so they think.
Definitely no more dinners out. That's what I told my toddler when he pitched a fit in a restaurant anyway.
(Had to go look up what a carvery was, learned something new today! In the States, it would be roughly equivalent to a Golden Corral)
Quote from: Andeza on December 28, 2021, 09:35:20 AM
Haha! My bet on the Italian restaurant is that stereotypes keep him in line. "The Godfather" and all that. Also possible he got himself royally told off in an Italian restaurant at some point in the past and hasn't recovered. My experience with Italian families (my enDad's side) is that most of them don't take crap. Especially "Mamas." :blink:
Eating in public is a giant show for any drama loving cluster B PD though. It's an awesome opportunity to make a scene, make everybody hate them, and then play up the victim role. As they age, they think they can get away with more because they're less likely to get decked by aggrieved patrons. Nobody says anything because they're old. They can get away with it. Or so they think.
Definitely no more dinners out. That's what I told my toddler when he pitched a fit in a restaurant anyway.
(Had to go look up what a carvery was, learned something new today! In the States, it would be roughly equivalent to a Golden Corral)
Yes, this is exactly it. Their atmosphere is often quite patriarchal and masculine! (and to him, godfatherery!) all of which of course he tends to respect. He just minds his manners rather better when there! He never tries to talk to the other tables, has never complained about noise.
P123 I hope this is helpful in some way!
My H and I brought a pre-prepared Thanksgiving dinner to my BPD mom's house on Thanksgiving. She kept leaving the dining room while we were setting up and eating. She was waif-shuffling down her hallway--not sure what she was doing. I think she was off her game and needed to be alone in order to reconnect with her inner demons. When she finally settled down at the table she said she wasn't hungry. We had all the food spread out over the counter-buffet style. It was a meal for 4 and there was 3 of us so there was a lot of food that needed to be consumed. She had already dug into the cranberries while we were unpacking it.
H and I tried to make everything "portable" in order to prevent her from controlling the meal at her house. We had disposable "everything".
Finally, after we were half done she started to take some food. She didn't select a variety like a normal Turkey-Day dinner provided, but focused on mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls and a little turkey. She said, like a child, "I don't like sweet potatoes".
I watched her eat 2 rolls with 6 pats of margarine. When we were done and she started washing a few dishes she started picking at the pecan pie with her fingers. Soon she was scooping little fistfuls of pie into her mouth with her hand and ate about 2 pieces! My H was shocked, but laughing.
I remember my childhood meals being extremely dysfunctional! She would cook herself steak, sit at the table with her feet up on it and when I asked for some she yelled. "you didn't earn it".
Quote from: AndezaDefinitely no more dinners out. That's what I told my toddler when he pitched a fit in a restaurant anyway.
Right?! You only get so many opportunities to destroy an outing before it sinks in that there's no appreciation for the effort. Like with a toddler, you get what you get and eventually the tantrums just don't pay off. That's all his own doing and may he have joy of it!
Quote from: nanotech on December 27, 2021, 05:36:50 PM
That must have been hard. My dad has been like this in restaurants. It's appalling behaviour. He once forgot himself completely and told a baby to 'shut up'. He thought he'd said it quietly, but the parents heard. We quickly left that restaurant.
He really can't stand the noise of children. My UNPDsister does it. On sitting down in my local family carvery. ( after having changed her seat three times) she exclaimed, pretty loudly,
'Now, will someone please get that baby out?'
Eek.
I went home and googled 'difficult relatives'. I was still in the fog at the time, so it was a revelation to discover from my research that we are NOT obliged to allow people to abuse us, just because they are family.
She wasn't invited again.
You've no obligation to do it again.
At my auntie's wake, my dad sat down and demanded to know why the food wasn't immediately served as he arrived! He feigns ill health at funerals too, for attention
Could you get one of those takeaway Christmas dinners for him next year? Bakeries do them sometimes. You could then eat in with him?
Once they feel they have an audience ( the other people in the restaurant) they start playing to the crowd.
Another suggestion would be to choose a restaurant where the tables are very far apart. There's far less opportunity for them to posture.
My dad also behaves better in Italian restaurants as opposed to British! No idea why!
Oh yes hes done that as well! Many times... He hates kids....
Hes always looking around for someone to criticise. He sees people on TV dressed in fancy dress and their "drunken yobs". I take him to cricket and someone cheers and its the same.
Kids in restaurants he expects them to sit and not speak or he just glares at the family.
Next year, he'll be getting a microwaveable xmas dinner!
Quote from: nanotech on December 28, 2021, 01:50:46 PM
Quote from: Andeza on December 28, 2021, 09:35:20 AM
Haha! My bet on the Italian restaurant is that stereotypes keep him in line. "The Godfather" and all that. Also possible he got himself royally told off in an Italian restaurant at some point in the past and hasn't recovered. My experience with Italian families (my enDad's side) is that most of them don't take crap. Especially "Mamas." :blink:
Eating in public is a giant show for any drama loving cluster B PD though. It's an awesome opportunity to make a scene, make everybody hate them, and then play up the victim role. As they age, they think they can get away with more because they're less likely to get decked by aggrieved patrons. Nobody says anything because they're old. They can get away with it. Or so they think.
Definitely no more dinners out. That's what I told my toddler when he pitched a fit in a restaurant anyway.
(Had to go look up what a carvery was, learned something new today! In the States, it would be roughly equivalent to a Golden Corral)
Yes, this is exactly it. Their atmosphere is often quite patriarchal and masculine! (and to him, godfatherery!) all of which of course he tends to respect. He just minds his manners rather better when there! He never tries to talk to the other tables, has never complained about noise.
P123 I hope this is helpful in some way!
No way would he eat italian lol. Anything non-british in terms of food is "foreign muck". Really....
I remember many years ago mentioning that sons fav food was spag bolognese (when he was 5 or 6). Dad was aghast "you can't feed that muck to kids!"
Quote from: moglow on December 28, 2021, 02:23:48 PM
Quote from: AndezaDefinitely no more dinners out. That's what I told my toddler when he pitched a fit in a restaurant anyway.
Right?! You only get so many opportunities to destroy an outing before it sinks in that there's no appreciation for the effort. Like with a toddler, you get what you get and eventually the tantrums just don't pay off. That's all his own doing and may he have joy of it!
Yep the list shortens again of things I wont do with him in the last few years:-
1. Invite him around our house.
2. Take him away for the weekend.
3. Take him out to a restaurant.
All his fault and bad behaviour....