Stalking + PTSD

[Satya]

After leaving my stbxh in December, I made every effort to keep my new address secret. Long story short, he found the address and showed up at my apartment a couple of months ago. I called the police, and he hasn't tried to contact me directly or come to my apartment since.

I already had PTSD from living with him but after this ordeal it was made even worse. I spent the whole of last night struggling with nightmares about him breaking into my apartment and trying to kill me. And I'm just in such a funk today.

He has been contacting my mom and using his own mom to contact my mom. As a way of getting to me. He told my mom he's going to refuse to sign any divorce papers when I file them. (After talking to another attorney in my area, I was told I would be better off waiting until we'd been separated six months because it will be easier to convince a judge of our irreconcilable differences. And I want to be able to get it over with as easily and quickly as possible since we have no shared property or children.)

I just am feeling so stressed and like I'm never going to be free of him and so I just wanted to post here and talk about it.

I hate that he feels so entitled to me. Like I'm a possession of his. And I'm just sick to my stomach over it. How did I waste so many years of my life thinking this man loved me? I'm heartbroken and angry and afraid.  I have so many negative vengeful feelings toward him. And I feel like it's eating me alive.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, Satya.  The situation sounds extremely stressful. 

The only experience I have to share is that during my divorce, the court commissioner and then the judge did ask how long my husband and I had been living apart. That surprised me, because that factor is not in the divorce statutes in my state. It turned out to not cause any problems because my ex and I had been living apart at that point for a few years, but I would have appreciated a heads-up from someone in the know that this was something the court system considers in divorces.

[coyote]

Satya it is not doubt it is harder for a female to deal the the PD abuse tan it is for a male. That said there are some things you can do IMO. Have you considered seeing a therapist for the anger and related negative feelings. I agree they will "eat you up" if allowed to continue and not dealt with. Those feelings after what you have been through are normal but not productive. Even more so they can have an ill effect on your emotional and physical health.

On the other side have you considered a self defense class. It can boost confidence and be a good physical work out. I like krav maga for the practical applications taught. I am not one to advocate violence but I do think we all have a right to feel safe in our own homes. Would you consider a firearm for home. Of course this would require training and ongoing practice also. If not a firearm perhaps alarms attached to doors and windows or a small but loud dog.

[Whiteheron]

I can completely relate. I have nightmares about stbx breaking into my home and refusing to leave. It's awful. I remind myself that I'm safe, but the nightmares still happen.

I also didn't want stbx to know my address, but he found out anyways. He splashed it all over the front of a court document as if to say "see, you can't keep anything from me!" Now he's crying to the court that he doesn't even know where I live and he demands to be allowed to inspect my home to make sure it's "suitable" for the kids.  No. Just no. He's driven past a few times, which really rattles me (I'm at the end of a cul-de-sac, so no reason he should be driving past).

A dog isn't practical for me at this time, but I have enrolled in self defense classes. I strongly recommend it to anyone in our type of situation.
I agree with Coyote - Krav is great - they teach you how to get out of situations where you are attacked.

I've considered cameras outside my home - but don't want to go that route. I've also considered keeping a baseball bat near the front door. I make sure everything is locked up tight, and that the alarm is set. I don't know what else I can do.

[coyote]

Even a broom can be a good self defense item. Think about sticking broom straws in the eyes with one end followed by a strike to the genitals with the other end. I'd suggest keeping the bat or whatever by the bed. If someone gets in the house you may not have time to get it by the front door. Like I said I am not one to promote violence but I will do whatever I need to to keep my family and me safe.

[sad_dog_mommy]

There is an easy to use and set-up camera system called Arlo that is wireless and can move with you to your next home.  There are bundled deals online that come with a camera or two and in the big picture are not that expensive.   

As for his flying monkey mother calling your mom...  Can your mother tell her that it is your life and she is supportive of your decisions and choices? 
Can she dodge his calls?  I am sure it is uncomfortable for her.

((( hug )))

[iamthefire]

I am going no contact tomorrow and ending it. I am going to try and be out of town. When I am home, I am having a friend stay with me. I have a stun gun, bat and alarm. I will be getting pepper spray, a gun and my conseal carry permit. And well I have to learn to shoot.

I never thought he was capable of the violence that he is. I was stunned to find out the violent act he just committed and to hear rumors he had done it before. This is the kind of stuff you see in movies. But now it is my life. I worry about being the one on the news. Once they commit a violent act it raises the threshold of what they are capable of doing. When someone has poor impulse control, doesnt think about consequences and has narc injury and rage, it is a powder keg.

As far as the vengeance, I know of girls who knew he was with me yet cheated with him on me. Some of them I knew personally. Some of them smiled in my face yet did it behind my back. I am taking the high road and letting them be in the gutter. Vengeance is God's.  He is the best person to handle it. If you dont believe in that, there is always karma. We all reap what we sow. He will have justice one way or another.

I also use lemon balm to help me sleep.

[Whiteheron]

iamthefire, since he's been recently violent and you are (rightly) afraid of him, can you get a PO?

[Satya]

There is an easy to use and set-up camera system called Arlo that is wireless and can move with you to your next home.  There are bundled deals online that come with a camera or two and in the big picture are not that expensive.   

As for his flying monkey mother calling your mom...  Can your mother tell her that it is your life and she is supportive of your decisions and choices? 
Can she dodge his calls?  I am sure it is uncomfortable for her.

((( hug )))

My mom really struggles to set boundaries with things. But I think she has finally blocked his number after I told her to several times lol.

I'm currently looking into security systems.

I appreciate all of you here. It helps to know I'm not crazy and I'm not the only one who has experienced this.

[bloomie]

Satya - I am just so sorry your address is no longer private and you are dealing with understandable vulnerability and angst. A great resource that includes a safety plan for stalking is found here:

https://www.thehotline.org/2019/01/25/stalking-safety-planning/

The hotline website has a great deal of resources and help and you can even live chat with a DV counselor which might be a reassurance and support for you. Having in real life support with a therapist, family, friends and your local DV counselors may also help empower you as you learn what remedies and protections are available for you.

Out of the FOG's emergency links also includes international resources: https://outofthefog.website/emergency/

Strength and safety to you!