Do You Ever Just Feel Too Broken?

[atticusfinch]

I know this isn't a healthy thought pattern, but the last few years, I just feel impossibly broken. I know it's not my fault for things that happened to me in childhood, but at the same time, sometimes I feel like those things damaged me beyond repair. I've worked and worked on myself but it just seems I dig myself in deeper?

As some background, I divorced my NPD ex husband, who repeated patterns from my childhood (NPD mother), 10 years ago. After the divorce, I was relatively hopeful about getting a fresh start for my kids and I. At the time I was more sure of some of my good qualities than I am now? I lost 30 pounds shortly after the divorce, and there was this huge weight lifted without the constant conflict in our home. My ex husband had become emotionally abusive to our oldest child, so it was a relief that we had some space and protection from that.

I feel like they never tell you about all the ways an NPD ex can continue to torment and abuse you even after the divorce. Thankfully, my kids are with me 3/4 of the time, but in the 1/4 they are with him, he relentlessly criticizes me and brainwashes our kids against me. He has continued to use his advantageous financial position to run me into the ground financially (I'm currently under mounds of debt, which is part of my current despair), through various means including legal filings.

When I was dating, I had no trouble getting dates, but my "chooser" still seemed broken and I worried about exposing my kids to another dysfunctional man. I refuse to ever go down that road again. And my ex made it hard for me to move on, too, because he seems to have a sixth sense for when I'm trying to move on and almost always sabotages me at those times. (ie, he has tracked my car while I was on a date, I've worried he's hacked my phone and email, etc, because when I was dating, he'd drop the kids off early, or cause drama, etc...)

I eventually gave up on dating, in part because I was frustrated that all my work on myself hadn't seemed to fix my problems choosing the wrong guys. I decided to stay single for my kids, but this has had its own problems. I don't have anyone to share the physical or financial load with, so I'm completely worn out, way over my head in debt (I have ADHD too, but even despite that, I did fine financially until the last couple years), and the fight has just gone out of me. I just don't see any way out of my troubles right now.

I have been working on a novel that I was told by an industry professional (multiple, actually) could be a bestseller, which would help me in so many ways, but it has taken me so long to polish up (and I think I'm afraid to put it out there, because of fears of rejection), that I'm just starting to lose hope all around.

I just generally feel like a complete and abject failure. I can't seem to shake this feeling of worthlessness and un-fixability.

(And let me just add that my ex will go out of his way to stop other people from helping me as well. I am in such dire straits financially right now (that I try to keep from my kids) that I finally applied for government assistance. When my ex spouse found out, he threatened violence again--telling my kids he was going to break into my house and confront me. After 14 years of being married to him, three years of post-divorce hyper-vigilance for our safety, a custody suit he filed three days before I started a Masters program, etc, I'm just completely and utterly exhausted. I'm back in the mode of being hyper-vigilant about my safety again 10 YEARS ON. I just can't do it anymore.)

[notrightinthehead]

It's a set back. I was amazed at the intensity of the downward spiral, or rather a trauma response, a letter from my NPDh's lawyer could cause me. But I bounce back faster than I did before.
Reach out to whoever you need to. Don't hesitate to ask for help. Tackle one problem at a time. You have overcome so much. You will crawl through this tunnel too.

You might want to check out meditations or affirmations for self love and self esteem on YouTube.

[xredshoesx]

when my husband was out of work we made $2 too much to qualify for assistance.  thankfully, in our corner of the midwest there are a lot of drive through food pantries, esp since COVID who only ask you to open your trunk if you are in need  of assistance.  no paperwork, no approval/ financials needed. is that something available in your area????

i've been rooting for you from the sidelines here since back in the day because you are doing for you and your kiddos the things my mother could not do for herself or me.

you've got this. 

[SeaBreeze]

I'm so sorry you are still dealing with this behavior all these years later. My heart hurts for you reading this. Kris Godinez says that PD's want us dead, whether literally physically dead, or soul-destroying spiritually dead. It seems your ex truly is bent on reducing you on a few levels. It sounds like you may rightfully be experiencing depression and post-trauma.

Some thoughts off the top of my head, and please forgive me if you've already tried any of these:

Does your ex have a history of following up on threats, or is it all just hot air?

If it's hot air and empty threats, I know it's easier said than done but can you just ignore him and focus on living your best life?

However, if he is the kind to follow up and carry out actual threats, what protections do you have in place or can you put in place?

Have you ever taken self defense classes? Perhaps such a class might help in a few ways -- boost your confidence, get you more active, provide some socialization, while equipping you to protect yourself.

At risk of setting him off further, can you file police reports or get a protective order? Spend money one last time for a lawyer to counter-file that your ex must pay your legal expenses for any future court dealings?  Set up a home security camera system? (There are some relatively cheaper systems available now that are easy to self-install.)    Contact a local domestic violence hotline to see what resources are available to you for financial assistance, legal assistance, and maybe counselling?

You know your situation best and what you can safely try or not try in regards to your ex. I hope you might find something to help you feel safer, in your own home, in your own mind, in your own skin.

[SeaBreeze]

Oh and ETA... as a fellow writer, please keep writing! Use a pseudonym. Even if just writing it for yourself. But putting it out there to the world could open up a whole new world for you, and for your potential readers, too!

[sunshine702]

Yeah that seem really scary Atticus finch!  Don't feel bad - you know I don't necessarily think your picker is broken - I think there are a lot of broken people out there.  Staying single for your kids sounds smart.  Narcs really do a number and I takes a while.

Self care - you got this
We get it

[Cat of the Canals]

Have you ever read Complex PTSD by Pete Walker? I think it's one of the best tools for dealing with the ongoing effects of PD abuse.

[hhaw]

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now, ((Atticus.))  I was so hopeful you'd move past your PD and into a new life.... shared with someone new and worthy..... safer.... a haven.

I don't think the "struggle" ever stops.  Just sort of morphs into what my T calls "COWs" or "Crisis of the week." 

It's learning how to cope more constructively that changes, IME.  The problems are part of being human, me'thinks.

I'm not posting much, but I was draw to peek in on the board and found your post.

What can I say that you don't already know?  You deserve better?  Your PD doesn't have the right to continue sabotaging the joy out of your life? 

You know these things, but I wonder what unconscious beliefs plague you... and we all have them, Atticus.

I'll share a recent book recommendation from my beloved Therapist.....
YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE by Louise Hay.

Supposedly, it has clues, secrets and pathways to healing and growing beyond our wounds and unconscious thoughts...... I just received my copy in the mail and have my pen ready to begin marking in green this year.  Next year I'll choose another color and see what's changed, what I've internalized and grown through, or not.

I have no suggestions for moving through dark places, besides.....

hold.....
hold......
hold......
these things go up and down, in cyclces, better then worse.

If we just hold on, I've always found joy and been glad to feel the sun on my face however I managed to get through.  Holding was all I had sometimes and this....

if it's not OK....
it's OK.

Acceptance of what is.....
doing what I can and putting "the story" on the shelf so I could turn towards the joy.

In your case, you're still cultivating joy for and with your still young children. 

I can't tell you how to do that.... it's different for us all.

What I can tell you is...
I'd read your book in a heartbeat and look forward to reading what you have so far.

I've been dabbling in pulling together a loose outline of my struggles..... for many reasons,but mainly to get it together without feeling constrained to list every
single
darn
detail
piece of
evidence and
document.

Just to.....
spill it, my way, the way I perceived and experienced it.

Seems more important sometimes.  Less at others.

About your PDex......
his threats seem to knock you into survival mode, over and over.

What have  you learned about his follow through on threats over the years?

How are your children handling the threats?

What I leanred about my children being in survival mode is.....
I'm more helpful and capable of being responsive to them IF
I resist getting dragged down their fight or flight hole with them.

If I breathe and do what I do to get level or stay level....
I can stop or get myself out of reactivity that shuts me down, makes me feel small and vulnerable and paralyzed.....
and frees me up to SEE more choice and creatively problem solve again.

Modeling that for my girls has lead to raising super bright, informed women capable of coping with stress better than I coped at their age.... and they've learned so much about PDs through our struggles.

Your children learn also, and they'll keep learning.  It's the sunny side of these things, IME.

I hope you can turn away from your PD's pressure and stress tonight and find some joy withi your children.  Play games, or watch familiar happy movies..... go look at the stars on a night walk together.  Whatever you do...... it's OK.  You're enough.  Worrying helps NOTHING and joy is available to you in every moment.

You win and your ex loses every time you ignore his terror and cultivate your joy.

Happy New Year, Atticus.

[atticusfinch]

I just want to thank you all for the kind words. I didn't realize how much I needed to hear each one of your thoughts and I'm sorry I am not replying individually, but just know that each individual reply helped me. THANK YOU for being here every time I've been low! There is nothing quite like all of you--who have been through this and know what to say. I hope you all get major blessings for helping me see light in this dark place.

I appreciate you telling me that you'd read something I wrote. I don't know why, but I really needed to hear that! I have worked so long and hard on my writing projects that I would be disappointed if I never tried to put my words out there, but for some reason I've been frozen up and had a hard time moving forward.

As I've thought about it, I do think I've been frozen up for several reasons. I was thinking yesterday that it has taken me three years to recover from my two-year Master's program, which seems crazy, but then as I pondered on it some more, a lot has happened in those three years. Not only was I having to fight a custody battle my entire first year of school, I suddenly had all five of my kids home during the Pandemic, while I was still in school (my ex refused to take the kids at all the first few months of the Pandemic), and two of my kiddos also left home during that period. One got married, and the other has been overseas for over a year now (long story--she's doing good things, but it's still an adjustment having her gone). We also moved in the middle of the Pandemic/school.

My grandma died too. I was super close to her, having grown up close enough to walk to her house, and she and my grandpa helped me survive my abusive childhood.

Because I've been so stuck with the novel manuscript that I'd been working on before and during grad school (I got some excellent feedback on it in grad school from some top professionals, which is encouraging, but I'm still stuck!), I started working on a memoir as a way to get in touch with my childhood and try to get the creative juices flowing again. My intent was also to relive my past in ways that might help me figure out where I'm still getting hung up with my healing process.

In that sense, the memoir was helpful, as it helped me pinpoint the beginnings of some of the patterns I'd like to change. But it also sort of opened up Pandora's box psychologically, too. I found some journal entries in which my mom said some things like "[I'd] never get married" because "who would want [me]" and another time when I came home from a camp when she told me that no one in the family missed me and they were better off without me. (this message has been so stuck in my head lately--that I'm just a general drag on all the people I love)

I *cannot* ever in a million years imagine saying these kinds of things to any of my impressionable children/teens. It reignited some anger at my mom, which perhaps is even kind of healthy? Because I'm finally allowing myself to feel some things I've buried? But at the same time, it's all a little overwhelming and makes me realize that there is no complete way to come back from some trauma?

It also doesn't help that I stopped going to therapy mid-Pandemic and when I started going back earlier in 2023, my therapist shunted me off to a different therapist in his office. He claimed that it was because he is no longer treating patients like me, and that his practice is now geared toward testing and treating youth only, but it still felt a bit like he just didn't want to deal with me anymore. I thought we had a good relationship--I saw him for seven (?) years, through the worst parts of my divorce, and it kind of hurt when he did that. The therapist he sent me to just seemed like she was trying so hard to "fix" me that I eventually stopped seeing her. I get that that is her job, and why I'm there, but part of me is over the message this is sending to my psyche--that I need to be fixed. Part of me just wants to work on accepting myself better, and I felt like I couldn't do that with her.

And to top it off, I lost my alimony early last year. It was originally supposed to go for seven more years, but I gave up some of those years of alimony as part of a settlement to make the custody case go away (I also negotiated a raise in child support so my ex wouldn't just think he could sue me and I'd give away money every time). I thought I'd be on my feet by now, but I'm not, so I feel badly about myself that I can't get myself together financially, and I regret giving away all that alimony! On top of it, my ex owes me something like 10K at this point, and it's so stressful trying to figure out what to do about that. If I hold him accountable, it will cost me a ton of legal fees and emotional trauma and he will probably just retaliate somehow. The only way I can see out of my financial troubles at this point is by getting more financially self-sufficient, but if I don't sell a book, all I can really do is work as a teacher, which doesn't pay much.

I'm sorry this is so long. Anyway, I now have a ton of memoir material that I could probably tidy up and submit for publishing as its own separate work, but I'm worried about offending my family--my mom in particular. She's still likely NPD, and I really try to limit contact with her, but I still depend on my parents for help from time to time (my dad is really good at fixing things). My parents have moved twice in order to be closer to me, to ostensibly "help," and now they are in my neighborhood and go to the same church, which makes it harder to stay low contact with her. In a weird way, I'm back to feeling trapped in a child-like relationship with them, where I need their help so I tolerate some stuff I have been trying to free myself from. I don't want to hurt her by publishing her secrets (I could definitely use a pseudonym, but she'll still know), but I think I could make some decent money on this memoir. Hence the dilemma.

Anyway, sorry for a long-winded reply. And thank you all again for being so kind and understanding and helping me see that I have more options than I realize. I love you all.

[atticusfinch]

As if the eternal reply isn't enough, I realized I never addressed the fear-of-violence thing. It is definitely hard to know what my ex is capable of. He is definitely an empty threat kind of person at times, and at other times, I would not put extreme violence past him if he thought he could get away with it. I had escape ladders, a taser, a secret room to hide in, and a home security system after the divorce, and now I'm taking precautions again just in case. I bought a security camera and invested in window coverings for some of my windows that didn't have them, and I find myself jumping at every sound when I go out my back door. It doesn't help that a distant cousin of mine and all of her children as well as her mother were recently killed by her estranged husband in a murder-suicide thing after she filed for divorce. It was one of those cases where no one thought this "perfect dad" would do something so extreme until it was too late. So maybe that is affecting me too?

And my ex remarried last year. I really like his wife--but I'm also learning to deal with some complicated feelings around his remarriage. And even though his new wife has the empathy he lacks, it is clear that she is enmeshed with him, so sometimes it feels like they team up against me.