Now what is she doing?

[salamander]

Curious if anyone had any thoughts on what uM might be up to now?

Abbreviated back story: She did a 'straw that broke the camel's back' boundary violation four-ish years ago. This was one that caused me to cease all contact with her, starting that very day.

She persisted in attempting to reach out to me via text, has even called once (I didn't answer), and has had other people reach out me. Last Fall, I set up an email just for communications with her and sent her an email asking a couple of key questions. I never received a response to that email.

A couple of weeks ago, she sent another text message. I thought long and hard and decided to respond to that text, asking her to direct any and all communications to *email address*. Have received nothing.

Has anyone else walked this path who might have insight as to what might she be up to?

[easterncappy]

She's telling you that you are not allowed to set the conditions for reconciliation. This is the problem with reconciling with PD's. They're so used to having total control over the relationship that they will do anything to defy a condition or boundary that you set. Some of them give up after a few years but yours seems to be pretty dedicated to getting it her way. IMO, even replying to the text message instead of sending her an email is giving her some leeway. These people can't think normally. It's always a power play.

[salamander]

That explanation makes sense, easterncappy, thank you for the insight.

In your experience, is she likely to continue to attempt to do things her way? Random texts, random calls, random showing up in the area in which I now live? Of course, I probably won't be able to ever let my guard completely down as longs as she walks the Earth...

[easterncappy]

In your experience, is she likely to continue to attempt to do things her way?

Yes. In my 10 years of reading forums like this, I've genuinely never encountered a case of a PD parent having a light bulb moment and suddenly realizing that what they did was wrong, they need to apologize and make things right, and they need to start respecting their adult child. Never.

To be honest, most attempts at reconciliation that I've heard of and witnessed have been really sad and usually result in NC all over again. The PD parent is able to kinda-sorta do the bare minimum, most superficial stuff that you ask of them... such as going to therapy (my uPD MIL now goes to a fake psychiatrist quack with no qualifications who tells her all of her abusive tendencies are just fine), or accepting some form of explicit boundary (my PD mom doesn't try to force my child molester dad on me anymore but she obviously thinks I'm irrational for having this boundary), etc. and they only do it as a means to re-establish contact. They fight their adult children on every boundary or attempt at having any say in the conditions of the relationship. The core issue of what made the relationship bad in the first place is never resolved, but the PD parent is able to put on a better act. 99% of the time, it goes down hill all over again at some point, except it hurts even more this time because you were tricked into thinking things were finally getting better.

It looks and feels like trying to keep a rabid 150 lb rottweiler with a history of biting people and mauling children on a leash made out of toilet paper. Silly analogy, I know, but they aren't going to magically become the parents that we always deserved. If they're truly PD, they're not capable of this to begin with. They're a ticking time bomb. A chimp with a machine gun. They have all of these feelings and thoughts but are inherently missing the means to analyze and control them and think about anything but themselves. Your boundaries are something they think they can temporarily respect until they don't have to again. Any relationship after reconciliation is going to have you on your toes the entire time, and them thinking they're doing such a great job following your stupid and irrational rules.

I still talk to my mom. We have like a 15-20 minute long phone call every couple of days, we talk about how to make salsa chicken and what we bought at the store, very superficial stuff. I know I can't get into anything more serious because she'd hurt me and I'd regret it. The whole reason this subforum exists is because the parent/child relationship is unfortunately embedded into our DNA. If anyone else treated us this way, it'd be a lot easier to permanently let go, wouldn't it? My dad and I don't talk and even the idea makes me want to throw up, no matter what "changes" he could make.

But if you reconcile, your best bet will be to talk about casseroles and what scent candles you like, gray rock, and purposely contort yourself so she doesn't hurt you again. You'll be uncomfortable the whole time and she'll feel great.

[sunshine702]

Read the section in the glossary on HOOVER very slowly and carefully keeping the incident in mind.   I bet you will see and feel some things. 

[salamander]

easterncappy, I definitely wasn't expecting a 'lightbulb moment' from her. I was fully girded up and ready to grey rock, talk about the weather, et. al.  I did think, particularly in light of some of the text messages she'd sent, that she would have sent some sort of reply. Even if it was to tell me how terrible of a person I am and to eff off. Something along those lines would have been an answer. I reached out because I wanted to be able to say, "I tried." I feel like I can say that now.  I'm not going to keep after her, begging for a crumb of whatever. In light of what I've learned here today, it's time for a new phone number. She has the email address. She'll either use it or she won't. I'll check it every once in a while.

I love the Rottweiler on a toilet paper leash analogy. Gonna have to remember that one.



sunshine702, at your suggestion, I studied up on hoovering. Thank you for the reminder.

[Cat of the Canals]

She's telling you that you are not allowed to set the conditions for reconciliation.

When there was a death in my husband's family and PDmom was doing her usual routine of pestering me about calling her, I told her I wasn't in the mood to talk, and I needed some time. "Of course!" she said. "I understand!" A few hours later, she sent me an email with a video she wanted me to watch "all the way through" and that we would "discuss it on Friday." Meaning that I could grieve until Friday, and also I'd need to complete her little homework assignment in the meantime. 

Setting boundaries around communication seems to get a particular rise out of PDs. The notion that you can choose to speak/not speak to them, accept/not accept their calls, etc. instantly puts them in boundary-violating mode.

[salamander]

Cat of the Canals, I think she was born in boundary violating mode. (insert laughing emoji here!)

For real though, she's one who sees a boundary as a challenge to be overcome, and not as something to be respected. She also, as I have come to be fully aware in the last few years, sees me as a possession of hers, and most definitely not as my own person (or any person, for that matter).