My current experiences with MC, GR, splitting, and progressing forward

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

History:  Out of the FOG May, asked for divorce in June, still living together...first court date in February (thank you, covid).

GR and MC have been working - yes, it has been a struggle.  I also have been very protective of my money and his financial abuse.  Since June, he has only given me $800 towards bills - he really doesn't work, because he has been manipulating me for years.  I have been trying to get him to agree to sell the house, finally, because of GR, MC and because he has no $, he agreed.   YES!!   I've found an apartment that will be great for my son and I and the house is up for sale Saturday.  I am so relieved.

It took me awhile to fully appreciate the GR/MC tools.  I wanted to stand up for myself verbally and express my feelings.  Well, you can't do that with PD's.  Once I practiced the tools more consistently, he amped up for awhile (about 4-5 months, it was torture), and now he realizes that he can't trigger me, so he really has stopped.  He's been trying to get me to pay for his car repairs and insurance.  I refuse any monetary support or requests by him that I can.  At one point, I told him not to eat my food or watch the cable I pay for.  It felt cruel, I'm being honest, I didn't like doing things like that, but...he got the point.  The money train has now stopped.

Words of advice - I thought I took his name off of all credit cards, I missed one and he charged $500 during the holidays.  Of course he did....   Make sure you protect yourself!!  Any access to money has to be stopped.

The splitting does feel very weird.  For the first years of our marriage, I felt loved.  Slowly it shifted....was inconsistent....then the last few years have been hell.  Now, it's like we don't even know each other.  Such an odd experience.  I'm glad I'm older, I think my younger self would not have handled this well. I would have felt a lot of shame and loss.  I have felt those emotions, and lot's others, but I've been able to let go and am excited for the next chapter of my life.  When I start to grieve and feel sad about our marriage ending, I quickly think about who I married - it was a game to him, wanting to control me, use me, manipulate me, lie to me, put me down, etc....  then the grief stops.  He is not sad about our marriage ending, he is just sad that for awhile, at least, he will have to take care of himself.  I bet he finds someone very soon.  I hope they are ready for a difficult ride. 

I imagine the peace I will feel in my apartment - MY apartment.   I will be able to cook without  a critical comment every step of the way.  I just realized this past week, that I do like to cook.  I haven't over the years, because my STBXBH is the only one that knows how to cook, I can clean.  I used to think, hey - it's great, he likes to cook for us.  NO - he likes to control what we eat, that I don't cook, and that he can talk about how great he is......blah blah blah

The peace....I can't wait.  No more constant health complaints, ego stories, lies.....peace.

[JustKeepTrying]

I am so happy for you.  I am in awe of your strengthh and your use of the tools to get through such trying times!

[blunk]

PlantFlowersNotWeeds, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I experienced a lot of similar behaviors from my bpdxh.

There were multiple times during our marriage that he refused to work, of course, always having some excuse. And like your H he never seemed to have any problem spending my money. Also the car repairs, insurance, etc. He probably had 4 cars in the time that I had one. I saved for more than 2 years, working 2 jobs while he was unemployed, and borrowing from my 401k to be able to buy my first new car. On the day I went to make the purchase, he tried to talk me into getting a used car so that he could get one too. I was furious. It's like they feel entitled to everything we have...and then some.

Like yours he also had a wide array of medical complaints, some real, some not so much. It was usually whatever disease was in the news at the time, or whatever injury would get him pain meds. He did actually have a heart condition, so I ended up delaying the  initial filing so that he could qualify for insurance with his new job...though he did try other tactics to try to get me to delay further. I refused.

I would caution you to monitor your credit report (there are plenty of free services to do this) as I found that my x (while still married) applied for credit cards in my name...even going as far as to forge my signature. He also applied for financing for high-end exercise equipment (I think around $3,500...it's been a long time). Also, in our state, once the divorce petition and financial affidavits have been submitted there can be no more joint debt, anything incurred after that belongs to the individual. I'm not sure if it is the same in your area, but it may be something to look into (or ask your lawyer about). It could work to your  advantage if you can prove that he made the purchases.

I wish you well going forward, both in the divorce and your new apartment. Keeping my fingers crossed for the best possible outcome!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

The past few days I've had some difficult situations with my STBX.  Even with GR/MC, there's this little voice still in my head that whispers..."you are being mean, give him some money, he needs it, you don't have to be so selfish".  At first this voice seems reasonable, but I know it's part of my trauma.  I stood my ground this morning, and it was difficult, but it felt so good later today.  Standing my ground, is why he is finally agreeing to sell the house.  Standing my ground, is why I am starting to be myself again. 

He told me today that he has never put me down when he talks to our son.  I guess he doesn't remember all the yelling and calling me names?  His favorite is psycho lunatic and of course, crazy bitch.  What a crazy ride......I'm so glad I'm off now.

[hhaw]

I bet you feel like you just popped to the surface and finally took a breath, PFNW.   

To stick to your plan then notice all the headway you're making is because you stuck to the plan you made when the PD wasn't in your head, guilting you, sounding reasonable and lying about things you know are lies.

Well DONE!  I'm so pleased he's agreed to sell the house.  The more you stick to your guns, the quicker things will move ahead, IME.

Remember, you can always loosen up after the divorce is final.  Until then, don't allow pity for him to sabotage your position and case.

The less you see and talk to him, the better you'll feel. 

Well done!

[Joga]

PFNW, congrats and well-done on sticking with GR/MC. It can be so incredibly hard sometimes! I hope the move goes smoothly and he doesn't commit any PD shenanigans during the process.

And the peace...you are going to enjoy so much peace. I love when my H is gone. The house is so much more peaceful. I can't wait to get my own place with my kids and enjoy that peace.