setting boundaries and moving forward with BPD sister

[firststep]

Hi. My sister displays many of the characteristics of BDP. After years of trying to help her (not very effectively) I am finally trying to set us on a new, kinder and more compassionate path. I sent an email that explained the impact her actions have on me, and told her I didn't want our relationship to continue on its current path. I provided a few examples and also told her she was very important to me and that I loved her. she responded in an unexpected way - she called, was very emotional but actually asked some questions (this is pretty rare unless the questions relate to her). She tried gently pressing a few buttons (eg telling me she had considered self-harm and had a plan) but stopped when I didn't respond. She was genuinely (I think) shocked that she has had this impact on me for so long, and I acknowledged that I had handled things badly by not talking to her about it.

she lives interstate and I am flying to see her this weekend in hope we can start to set a new course. I have no idea what I'll be walking into. There's certainly no guarantee it won't be hostility, blame and 'well you've done this to me'. Honestly, I'm scared - she won;t physically hurt me, but the emotional and mental side of things is another story. also, we are a very small family - just me, her and dad - and I'm definitely her main support system.

Has anyone been down this road? I'd love some tips about how to manage what will be a very emotionally charged situation. i just want to have a good relationship - not one where I'm adored one minute and hated the next.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I can relate to what you have posted about.

There is lots of information on this site. Perhaps you can start by looking at the Toolbox section. There is support and help from others going through similar but different situations as yourself.

You may find the talks by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez of interest to you. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better.

She gives regular talks every Sunday on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". Her talks are archived on her Facebook and YouTube sites.

Best wishes

guitarman X

[bloomie]

firststep - hi there and welcome to the forum. I am thankful you have joined us at such a strategic time in the realignment of your relationship with your sister.

To point you toward resources as you get ready for this visit - reading through the glossary or 100 traits at the drop down menu above could be a great help for you as each trait that you identify as observable with your sister has a do/don't section along with it. The toolbox is also extremely helpful, so make good use of that as well.

A technique called medium chill found here: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
is a helpful one to have in your pocket to avoid circular conversations and arguments that go no where.

Another good tool is to say what you need to say one time, make clarifications needed, and then decide to not Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain when a loved one attempts to draw you into unproductive rehashing and maneuver you into a defensive posture for setting boundaries and having had enough of the status quo.

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Check out the book recommendations for those with PD loved ones specific to BPD found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=26.0

There is a great discussion about boundaries found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=24.0

Good luck with this visit and keep coming back for support and encouragement. We welcome you.

[firststep]

Thank you for taking the time to help me. I truly appreciate it, and the resources look like really valuable tools. I'm very nervous but recognise I can't keep going this way. @bloomie @guitarman

[bgirl12]

I am very happy for you that you are working on it with your sister. It sounds like good timing, you both are in a tender place towards one another. We have to take it as it comes. We can set boundaries and be pleasant. When things go sour or god forbid turn south, I try to keep cool as much as I can, I let them know I love them and perhaps take a little space. Maybe go for a walk or just retire to another room and read. Change the subject. Let them talk about things that make them happy. It gets easier for me the more I practice. The more nice visits we have, the less bullying I get. Of course, there is the sweet/mean cycle I get into with one of my sisters every year or so, but enjoy the upswing because it is the sister I know and love. And the person I know she wants to be. I bring snacks so I am never hungry because I get impatient when I am tired and hungry. I have a cup of coffee on hand too. Soothes me. And put on a movie, or go see a movie. Do something that doesn't involve too much talking about serious things. If she touches on her troubles, you can listen and just let her know you love her and encourage her to seek help in her hometown if she is ready for that. Can't fix it, but you care. No matter what- you had a good time, you were grateful for the time, and just let her know that. Try to be encouraged.   

[LemonLime]

Welcome, firststep.  I hope you had a good weekend with your sister.  And I hope you will post here again to let us know how it went, and what you learned.  I liked the advice the other posters gave you.  I am in a very similar situation with my dear, smart, sweet, and very high-functioning UBPD sibling.   She's my only sibling and I find this situation absolutely heartbreaking.  And infuriating.  Depends on the moment!   It helps me a lot to hear other peoples' experiences.