BPD mother with paranoia and delusions & buying into it just to shut her up

[freedom77]

Hello all...
I was wondering if other folks have experienced their BPD parent telling highly unusual stories that are paranoid, and perhaps delusional?
My mother is 68, but this is not the onset of early dementia. I first noticed this behavior in my teens, and it has continued off and on for nearly 3 decades, waxing and waning. Usually these behaviors will appear when she's more unhappy than usual, or not getting her own way.

When the behavior occurs it is constant, relentless and insidious and leaves me feeling afraid and like a giant WTF?? Is she for real?

EVERY place she has ever lived, the neighbors, maintenance men, manager, etc are all out to get her. It is so bad right now.

Unbelievably I allowed her to move in with me for about 9 months last year because she guilted me, and I hadn't had my awakening yet. I still believed maybe we could have a healthy relationship  Well that was a trip thru hell and all came to a head when we had a nuclear blow out because I just couldn't stand the daily bashing. I get up very early for work, so she'd make a point to also get up very early even though she is on disability for an anxiety disorder and has not worked in many years. I like to get up and drink my coffee ALONE and organize my thoughts for the day. She knows this. So she'd get up every single morning, and plop down beside me, and begin her daily litany of complaints, most of which revolved around how stupid  I am, and how every dumb decision I've ever made (and she meticulously included EVERY "mistake" I've made since birth) and how aforementioned mistakes impacted her and are the sole cause of her relentless unhappiness.

Well everyone has their limits, and I descended into such a deep depression I just couldn't take it anymore, so we got into it bad and she screamed at the top of her lungs "YOU'RE CRAZY!" and "I HATE YOU!" over and over again, in front of my little girl. So I told her she had to go. I drove her to her old complex where she's lived before, she sat in the car glum and silent, but for the occasional reminder of what an ungrateful bitch I am, and how she's always done everything for me, and I appreciate nothing.

The stars aligned for me that day, and a very nice downstairs apartment was available straightaway, and I immediately paid deposit and she was moved in within two weeks. I arranged everything while she laid in bed in her room in the dark, sulking, only coming out for toilet, food and to scream at me what a horrible beast of a person I am, and she can't believe she gave birth to such an ungrateful demon.

Well, that was several months ago, and since that time, I get my phone blown up daily with dozens of messages detailing how the two maintenance men are coming  in her apartment every time she goes somewhere and tamper with her food, are poisoning her by spiking her food with poison and by spraying chemicals into her coffee pot and on her shower curtain so the hot steam will cause the chemicals to heat up and be inhaled. Also, there are several men in the next complex who are running a child porn ring (zero evidence of this) and they are planning to abduct my little girl and I "better do something about it".  What actually happened is one of the men apparently found my mother physically appealing, and came over one fine evening with a bottle of red wine and invited her out on a dinner date. She declined, and then these delusions started up. She's convinced the only reason he showed interest in her, is to steal my daughter and traffic her.

She will not let up on these topics.

I was so fatigued and spiritually drained by it, that I tried to have a private locksmith change her locks (since of course, the maintenance men have keys to all the apartments), but locksmith said he cannot by law put new locks on without involving the management. So I looked for another solution. Anything to bring her peace of mind, and thus me getting some peace too, so I wouldn't have to keep hearing these crazy stories.

Well on Amazon I found a device called a clamshell, it locks around door knob so even if a person has a key they cannot get in without first using the key for the clamshell.

NOPE. Not good enough. "They" are still getting in and destroying her items, rifling through her personal papers, and tampering with her food. I asked how this is possible. She gave me a withering look, and condescended me like I'm an idiot, and said, "Don't you get it? All they have to do is use a credit card to open door." I said a credit care won't overcome a dead bolt, and you have clamshell on door knob. This envoked a rage of how I am against her also.

Bottom line, no solution I offer is EVER good enough. And I cannot believe I buy into her delusions, but I only do it to shut her up. If you dare challenge her assertions/allegations, or outright dispute them, prepare for holy hell.

She has now resorted to taking the clear shower curtain liner, the one "they" contaminated with poisonous spray, and splattered red nail polish all over it to look like blood, and hangs it up on door frame to "scare them" when they come in while she's gone, so that they will see she has an evil side and will think twice about continuing to "fuck with" her. 

My 9 yr old saw this, and asked me later, why is grandma hanging a scary shower curtain up?? Sadly the only person scared of it, was my kid.
I know I have to plan a NC, and find a way to not rely on my BPD mother for child care, as this is most unhealthy for my daughter. And I am in the process of this. But I can't do it overnight. It's gonna be maybe the end of summer before I'll be able to escape due to different issues such as I'm locked into a lease for my apartment, etc.

LIke I said, this is not age related dementia. In the 90s, she was in her 30s, and that's when I 1st remember her conjuring up delusions. Someone was coming in and poisoning us. Her own PD alcoholic mother was crushing her heart pills and putting them in mother's powdered coffee creamer so mother would have a heart attack. I was only a teen, but I pointed out how that would not behoove grandmother in the least, since grandmother doesn't drive and lives in an isolated area, thus relying on mother to transport her to stores, doctors, etc. Mother glared hatefully at me, and screamed at me how dare I not be on her side, and I'm stupid, etc etc. The next day I came home to a trashed bedroom.

The above is how I learned to go along to get along. Don't challenge her delusions, but seriously...it's so sick, and I'm so tired...

Over the years, there have been delusions about men being in love with her over the slightest interaction. A man may pay her a compliment, and she is convinced he wants her or is outright in love with her. All of her neighbors are in on some sort of grand scheme to make her life miserable. This has been going on for decades. I have noticed, like I mentioned before that the delusions wax and wane. There have been periods of time when she didn't mention any crazy talk, but when things aren't going her way, it'll start up, usually involving harm to her, like workers coming in as soon as she leaves somewhere to poison her food. She has even taken to packing her nonperishable opened food containers and bringing them with her!! And putting tightly tied bags around opened perishables.

I also believe she is the one behind the destroyed items and spoiled food. She will text me pictures of the "evidence". For instance she has a pantry supply of dried goods, like pasta, and every single package was viciously torn open. I believe she tore them open to "prove" to me that someone has been coming in.

This behavior alone I find spiritually draining, and I'm sick of it. Not to mention the constant emotional and verbal abuse I get subjected to DAILY.

[SunnyMeadow]

All of this sounds emotionally draining and exhausting. I haven't dealt with the delusion of people breaking in and poisoning. I really feel for you, this must be incredibly difficult to deal with.

My mom does the men are in love with her thing too. Everyone loves her and men want her. She's in her 80s and not in great shape, not a great catch. She's banished neighborhood men from talking to my dad on the sidewalk because those men want her. Absolutely wacky.

100% agree with you to find someone other than your mother to watch your daughter ASAP. It would be so hard to block her while she's caring for your daughter. But the minute you find someone else, I'd block all forms of contact so fast!!

[freedom77]

Thank you for the reply Sunny Meadow.
Yes, mother is not entirely wrong. I am, in fact, in on a grand scheme of my own. I call it Operation: Escape from Witch Mountain. I'm steadily making plans to move very, very far away, changing my number, and going total NC. My only regret is I didn't do it much sooner. I have to really keep this on the low, not even allowing DD to have an inclination as there is the risk she may tell BPD mother.

For the past nearly 10 years, mother treated DD like a GC, even going so far as to call DD "my baby", and claiming that the universe conspired for my getting pregnant just so DD would give her a reason "to live". Very dramatic acclaim. But I put up with the abuse because I needed help with child care, and since she treated my DD very good.

However, I can't do it anymore. And mother is starting to change toward DD. I see her slowly turning DD from GC to SC. Even going so far as to claim my DD doesn't have a right to change and develop into her own person. She wants her to be a baby forever.

Yes it's unhealthy af. But once my apt lease is up the end of summer and I get some affairs in order in the interim, we are moving cross country. And I believe we both will be nothing but the better for it. My secret plans give me hope, and something very positive to look forward to.

[freedom77]

I'm also having the very belated realization that it's possible BPD mother's delusions, are not really delusions afterall, but rather staged dramatizations. Perhaps they are dramatic tests of loyalty, and the seeking of attention. 

I cannot believe how late I am in having these awakenings. 

It's slowly coming to me through memories and present day happenings, that my BPD mother has always placed crucial importance on loyalty. She has unattainable expectations of reactions. In other words, if she gives you a gift, and you say thank you, your thank you wasn't said nicely enough, or with enough enthusiasm. And so will begin an all day berating interrogation over whether or not you really liked the gift, appreciated the gift, or ever appreciated all of her enumerable sacrifices and decades worth of stellar parenting from her that you were so VERY LUCKY to have. All this because you didn't smile brightly enough, your voice wasn't sweet enough, or lacked the pitch and degree of gratitude and enthusiasm she expected.

She has always very carefully and critically analyzed reactions; such as voice, tone, facial expression, body language, and if she perceives and rates a reaction to be less than she expects, she will criticize and berate me for hours.

If she is slighted (usually perceived) in any way, shape or form, by anyone, including complete strangers, and she regales you with the tale, you are mandated to respond and react with gusto! You must display utter shock at the injustice of someone having cut in front of her in line, AND if you are TRULY loyal to her, you will hunt said person down and confront them, risk being jailed for assault, to do less....you are an ungrateful leech who should have never plagued her existence by being born.

Naturally I refuse to comply with hunting ppl down, and confronting anyone or commit acts of violence, so I am forever the leech who should not have been born.

Seriously  though, I am now wondering if BPD mother's delusions are really that, like I believed for decades, or if she KNOWS EXACTLY what she's doing, and it's all staged....

[SunnyMeadow]

Yes, mother is not entirely wrong. I am, in fact, in on a grand scheme of my own. I call it Operation: Escape from Witch Mountain. I'm steadily making plans to move very, very far away, changing my number, and going total NC.And I believe we both will be nothing but the better for it. My secret plans give me hope, and something very positive to look forward to.

Fantastic plan!!   

[JingleBells]

Freedom, i did laugh at the scary shower curtain WTF!!

My mother also does the 'someone was rude to me' story. In the past i would get mad on her behalf and act on it like an automaton.

When i was about your DD's age we were on the bus (she wont drive-prefers a chaffeur) anyway, an older lady boarded, took her ticket , stepped away from the driver scrumpled it up and tossed it on the floor.  Well. How improper. Mother was tsk tsking on and on and on about this appalling behaviour and flagrant disregard for the rubbish bins. Because i was under the control of the Mothership i went into *MUST SAVE MOTHER* mode. When we alighted, the trash toss tramp was in front of us so i picked up her scrunched up ticket and said 'excuse me madam, i think you dropped this!'. The woman took the ball of paper and said nothing. I beamed at mother awaiting my praise. Mother dragged me away and ripped me a new arsehole regarding 'how BELLIGERANT and RUDE' i was and how 'EMBARRASSED' poor Mother was. 😦

[BeanerJane]

Mine has similar delusions.  She thinks someone is coming into her apartment and moving things around.  She's had the locks on her door changed multiple times because of it.  She's deaf but can 'hear' conversations through the walls and is certain someone is talking about her.  One of the last times we were together she got it in her head that a local radio DJ was 'looking at me' and she was going to 'do something about it.'  She suspects neighbors of dealing drugs and has called the police with her theories. 

The woman is unhinged yet she's somehow able to suppress the crazy in front of her team of medical professionals.

[Stafford]

My Mom has just started this behavior at 77. She has had 3 hospital admissions in two different hospitals for a delusional illness with increasing paranoia.  They keep discharging her saying she is not in any eminent danger but leave me to deal with her. If I do not give in, her ploy for attention sends her back to the hospital with her delusional illness.

Everyone is lying to her, not believing her and abusing her.  I cannot stand the intrusion and demand on my life. My 3 other sisters default all of it to me because they can't deal with her either.

I keep getting told..."It will only get worse!"

Do you feed the delusion and give her attention (therby enduring abuse) or withdraw, let it escalate and leave her to cry out for more attention alone?

Either way you feel.like you lose...

[Andeza]

I agree this is just one of those super sucky damned if you do, damned if you don't situations. My own UbpdM has also exhibited this sort of behavior, talking about how men flirt with her etc etc... Has no concept that being polite does not equal flirting, also has no concept that she's really not a great catch anymore. Sometimes I wonder if she let herself go just to get this multitude of men to stop flirting with her, in her mind that is.

I usually choose not to feed it these last couple of years. I've gotten more resistant to her view of the world in favor of the truth I see. Again, damned if you do or don't, but at least I can feel confident that I've done justice to my own feelings and perceptions. I usually get the silent treat after standing up for my viewpoint, not a bad tradeoff in my opinion.

Don't feel bad about just going along with it, but you might consider just throwing out the ubiquitous "I'll see what I can do" anytime she wants you to take care of stuff, and then as woman interrupted so eloquently says "then just don't" because what you can do about it is really nothing. Nothing that will ultimately make your m happy at least.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I know someone who works in a psychiatric hospital as an aide. She says that it does not do any good to challenge delusions. Either confirming or denying them tends to make them stronger. So the policy there is to acknowledge and deflect. The Russians have tapped your phone? Boy, that's something. Can I get you some juice?