Toxic, borderline mother and her repercussions?

[Maxtrem]

Hi,

I could use your help understanding the impact my borderline mother had on me. I recently realized that she was borderline before I thought she was a narcissist or just a manipulator/culprit.

Although I have forgotten most of my childhood and my psychologist believes in memory repression as a defensive mechanism, I have long since realized that something was wrong with my mother. She has always used manipulation and guilt in an unconscious way to make me realize the totality of her whims, which has always worked. From then on, I was identified by becoming the parent of my mother (she had no spouse and I was an only child, so the role came back to me); I listened to all her problems that didn't make much sense, lent her a lot of money, drove her home and picked her up from work, etc. I was always a very good listener to her problems, and I was very happy with her. I listened to all her problems that didn't make much sense, lent her a lot of money, drove her back and went to look for her at work, etc. Since it was not enough to meet all her demands, I had to guess her need for more attention, otherwise she would fall into a crisis like a young child when he doesn't get what he wants in the shortest possible time. Consequently, I learned to walk on eggshells, I became self-effacing, what I wanted became secondary with little importance where all my mother's needs and whims came first. If she ever perceived that this was not the case, I was subjected to harsh criticism, demeaning, degrading, and psychological abuse.


My life was thus conditioned to regulate the cycle of crises: I did all her whims by forgetting what is highly exhausting and I endured denigration without ever taking the risk of being heard, otherwise there would be reprisals and a prolongation of the crisis. I have therefore developed a great capacity to adapt at the cost of becoming someone who can erase, unable to say no who makes excessive efforts to maintain my mother's equilibrium. Even though I know that I will never have a sincere gratitude; it has never been enough and will never be enough according to her, and even worse, I know that I will never save her.

On the other hand, I have the impression that all my life an ideal of me has been created that I had to reach, otherwise there would be some serious reprisals (even if on criteria that I would call profoundly stupid, even shameful). An outstanding academic performance was demanded, my mother even told me that she understood the mothers who killed their children after failing a mathematics exam. There was a strong fear that I might be gay or have a girlfriend who was black (which is just a matter of image, because basically my mother is not racist or homophobic). I was never supposed to ask for anything or make any trouble, otherwise I would regret it pretty quickly. So I settled for what is and not what I think I fundamentally deserve, such as respect. Moreover, one of my rare childhood memories is my mother telling me that my dog will be euthanized, as a punishment!

Recently I have had more difficulty, since she keeps denigrating my spouse and even said: "Why I love her, what does she do for me". Her entourage, mainly me, must be useful and bring her something, otherwise she considers any relationship useless. Moreover, she always says that she does everything for everyone, whereas I have never seen such an egocentric person, which is absurd! I realized recently that I was abdicating, probably for the good of my couple, since it was starting to affect my spouse. I called her every day and went to see her once a week, sometimes more and even though it was not enough for my mother. Even though I have a demanding job (often 50 hours a week) and I have to give time to my couple and also to other people close to me. She denigrated me, I wasn't the loving son she would have wanted, I didn't take care of her enough, I never did enough, she did everything for me, it was because of the lack of support from me that she left her last job, etc. I was not the loving son she would have wanted, I didn't take care of her enough, I never did enough, she did everything for me, it was because of the lack of support from me that she left her last job, etc. Yet I never stop caring about her, her state of mind keeps my thoughts occupied, which is exhausting!

So I took a break from my mother (very short less than a week), my mother-in-law had told me that it affected my spouse a lot to see how my mother treated me. Shortly afterwards, she allegedly attempted suicide by taking medication and was hospitalized. I immediately returned to the position of doing everything I could to alleviate the crisis, but this time after the denigration, criticism, etc., I developed anxiety like I had never known before. I had difficulty breathing after eating and I am 27 years old (non-smoker and healthy weight). So I went to see my doctor and she told me to take a break from my mother. I had an adjustment disorder with an anxious mood. At first I didn't listen to her, but shortly afterwards, after a 4-hour visit to my mother's house that put me down unjustly, I decided to take a break. This was beneficial, as she was no longer there to calm the crisis, she hit rock bottom and sought help from a psychologist who was able to save her, even though the chances of a borderline person changing are very slim.


What I would like to understand are the impacts that my borderline mother had on me?

There was a time when I had little self-confidence, but I built it through academic success (prestigious scholarships for excellence), but above all by performing extremely well at work (praised by many bosses). Strangely, I don't feel guilty, although all my life I've been blamed and held responsible for my mother's behaviour, I think I understood long ago and diminished what she used to tell me. I'm a perfectionist, but it's not a disease, I don't impose it on others and it's even a quality I look for in my work. And the most surprising thing is that I don't have any resentment or even anger towards her in spite of everything she has done, which nobody seems to understand, not even I myself.

On the other hand, what seems to surprise my psychologist is that I am highly functional. I have a good university education, I have a good and stable job, I have a good relationship with my colleagues, I have a happy couple. Whereas according to the classical models I should have been violent, had difficulties to maintain a job, a low level of education, problems of consumption, became dysfunctional myself, etc..

However, I feel a bit like an empty shell, I don't know who I am and sometimes I don't know what I want. With the exception of love, mourning and pattern validation, I don't really live my emotions to the fullest. I'm content with what is and not what I think I deserve. But why is that? I have understood many things, but not who I really am.

[overitall]

Maxtrem,

Thanks for sharing your background of you and uBPDm....I can tell you about my experience and how it has affected me....

I was born the SG....anything and everything I did was never enough.  Like you, I excelled academically and was moved into a separate curriculum when I was 10 years of age.  Instead of my mother being proud, she told me that I thought I was better than everyone else because I was smarter?  At the time, and because of my young age, I did not understand how she scorned me instead of praised me...all of my friends parents were thrilled for me, yet my own mother was resentful and downright angry....Thus, the beginning of the rest of my life...

I put myself through college (parents refused to help me financially and told me that they only had money to pay for GCsis' education.  Left home at 17 and at this point began to recognize the extent of the dysfunction in my FOO...I started out as a psychology major and did a great deal of research on my family dynamics...I don't believe borderline was a diagnosis, or it may have just started popping up in the psychology world.

Finished college and returned to my hometown area...(during my years at college my parents made many excuses to not visit, even though I was only an hour away)  Looking back, I think I thought I would somehow receive some sort of recognition or praise for my accomplishments...that was never to happen.  I eventually married and had kids....My mother refused to ever help with my kids (her comments, "they're not my problem" etc.)  I worked, kept an immaculate house, hosted holiday dinners, attended church, school events; basically I did it ALL.  Why?  I think I thought I would finally receive some sort of approval from my mother.  It never happened....I could have the best day and she would ruin it with a nasty comment, criticism, or guilt trip. 

The dynamics of my FOO never changed.  GCsis' children were perfect and my kids were horrible.  My kids could not do anything right and her kids could not do anything wrong.  When my kids disagreed with me, she would side with them and tell them how difficult it must be to have Overitall as their mother.  I discovered she was smearing me to my own children and I severely limited her contact with them.  She was not to be controlled...holidays were her "premier event"  She would put her mask on and play the part of the the loving mother and grandmother, merely to be making her snide comments and criticisms out of earshot of other family members.

I went NC almost 10 years ago, well into my 40's.  If you are only in your 20's, I would tell you to strongly consider NC, especially if you think you will have children in the future.  My uBPDm has used my NC as her last "poor me" in her life....she and my father are old and alone, except for GCsis and her children, who are patiently waiting in the wings for their payoff (inheritance)  My adult kids are able to recognize the dysfunction and have VVLC with my parents...no relationships with cousins due to the comparisons, criticisms, etc.

Finally, to the toxicity and repercussions....For me, the toxic environment of my FOO has taken a huge toll on my outlook.  I am much more introverted than I used to be.  I have spent my entire adulthood looking over my shoulder, wondering who my mother has smeared me to...I tend to NOT trust many people.  I am an overachiever and perfectionist.  I don't tell people no enough because I dread confrontation.  The end result is that I have a "blunted" version of life...the overwhelming negativity and criticisms have made me withdraw into a world wherein I relate more to animals than people.  I prefer to be alone with my animals, almost avoiding human contact. 

I honestly believe that the critical, rejecting nature of the uBPDm is very detrimental to our psyche.  Even though I am highly intelligent and educated, it cannot correct the massive negativity that has been imposed on me for my entire lifetime by uBPDm...possibly, for you, a coping mechanism is a blunted response to emotions.  It is easier to not be hurt if you do not express full emotions...if that makes sense.  For me, even with NC (which is a 100% psychological improvement) I do not believe I will ever completely recover.  I would encourage you to explore, research, and delve into yourself to find what finds you peace and wellness SEPARATE from your uBPDm.  One the the main traits of PD's is the controlling nature (the emotional swings, tantrums, guilt trips, smearing, etc.)  If you have grown up with this you may not be able to recognize the toxicity of it because you have become immune to her behavior. 

You stated that you have recently discovered your mother is a BP...there are a lot of tools and books out there for you to read.  I predict as you learn more you will become stronger in your sense of yourself....I hope this helps....Everyone on this forum understands...unfortunately, we are all of part of a club that no one really wants to be in....you've found a great forum for support....

[Psuedonym]

Hi Maxtrem,

You sound like someone who likes facts (I am the same way) so I'll recommend two books to you. The first is The Narcissistic Family: https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703.  It's a book really written for psychologists but it's extremely informative. The beginning describes psychologists puzzling over patients almost identical to what you describe:

However, I feel a bit like an empty shell, I don't know who I am and sometimes I don't know what I want. With the exception of love, mourning and pattern validation, I don't really live my emotions to the fullest. I'm content with what is and not what I think I deserve. But why is that? I have understood many things, but not who I really am.

and eventually realizing that the common denominator is that every one of them comes from a narcissistic family (note, they're not describing the personality disorder here but a family structure that revolves around the feeling of the parent(s) rather than those of the children).

The short answer is: of course you don't know who you are. You were told what you were allowed to feel and what you were allowed to be. The basis of your identity is formed by being able to express your own feelings and thoughts. Actually here's a great article I just read the other day on the subject: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201411/the-borderline-parent-survival-guide

The second book I was recommend is C-PTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. You may balk at the idea that you're dealing with that, but it's one of the most insightful books I've read about the effects of growing up with a borderline parent. It talks about things like having a lack of anger: that's not because you're not angry and it's not a good thing. It's that you've disconnected yourself so much from your emotions (which you had to do to get by as a child) that you have trouble accessing them now. That 'empty shell' feeling is familiar to many of us and suppressing/not being able to access our true feelings is why we feel that way.

Finally, I would highly recommend the videos of Les Carter. He talks about Narcissism not BPD, which is why I think people sometimes miss them, but essentially BPDs are narcissists in that they lack empathy, and everything he says is applicable to both.

Hope that helps!

[Psuedonym]

One more thing! About the anxiety you developed after the 'suicide attempt'.  Around the time I went NC with my M because her behavior got so bad, I started having panic attacks. I have a friend who's a neuro-psychologist and she described it like this: a resilient person, (which you obviously are) is able to compartmentalize stress and trauma. In order to get past it and move on, you shove it aside and 'forget' about it. However that stress and trauma isn't really gone. It piles up and piles up and eventually you reach a tipping point (everybody's is different. Some people can take a lot of stress, some people can't). However, once you reach that point, it's all gonna come out in the form of anxiety and panic attacks. The most important thing, as she told me and your doctor told you, is to minimize (or eliminate) your exposure to what's triggering you.