Upset

[BuzzyBee]

So it's been a while... Need some advice on MIL and SIL... So my MIL moved back here from another state... she's never actually lived in the same city since DH and I have been together.  Since she's been back, it has been blatantly obvious how she favors SIL and treats DH as almost nonexistent. It wasn't as obvious when she lived far away because we'd only see her for a week at a time.  She also has never cared to get to know her first grandchild, she never wants to see him, be around him or help in any way. He's practically nonexistent to her too. It really upsets me, she has literally said things like she doesn't "do" diapers. SIL and MIL are awkward, they're like best friends.. which is fine in some ways, but MIL acts like she's her daughters age, a twenty something year old and she is almost 60. It was tolerable when I only saw her twice a year, but now it's just not funny anymore seeing it constantly. SIL just got married (that was also a disaster for everyone attending, including for me and DH)... Well she immediately got pregnant, which she said they would. But here's the thing, I just found out that I'm pregnant also. I wanted to tell them last night, we went to dinner for DH's birthday, but my excitement quickly faded when I saw them. I just realized how self absorbed they are and it dawned in me that they don't really care about DS, so why would they care about #2? SIL is also very controlling and jealous, and I felt like she would take it as some kind of stealing her thunder or something which was never the case. Another thing I worry about, is that her husband works offshore and is gone constantly. I honestly don't know how she's going to handle it mostly alone, especially if MIL doesn't grow up. They are both very immature, and not to sound mean but I don't want them to try to push this child on me because they wanna go out together like they do. SIL made some comments about us "trading off all the time" and im just thinking ok... now you want to watch my son? I'm just really gonna need to be firm about setting boundaries. SILs husband's family has no clue how awful SIL and MIL can be although im sure they are figuring it out after the wedding fiasco. I do hope MIL steps up, I think she probably will since SIL is her golden child... but there's that off chance that MIL won't take responsibility as a grandparent and I'm worried I'll be looked at as a backup charity case for babysitting and we work full time and hardly get any help. SIL will be a SAHM and that is tough work, I just don't think she realizes it (no one does till they are parents) especially with her husband gone all the time. I will help when I can but I'm not going to be taken advantage by selfish people who hardly treat us like distant family and dont show any interest in my son's life. Sorry, not sorry. Maybe they will see what's its like. SIL and MIL have watched my son ONCE in almost TWO YEARS.... so yeah I think I can handle that lol.

[appaloosa]

You're not obligated to watch or help care for anyone else's children! They haven't been kind or helpful or interested in your son--why would you even consider babysitting your new niece/nephew should they ask? And I wouldn't even trust people like that with my own children, I'd rather hire a sitter that I like and that my children like. You're going to be busy, as you said, with work, your DS and your new baby. Any requests to help out from your SIL or MIL, (so they can "go out" or for any other reason) would be met with "Sorry, no can do" from me. You don't need to provide a reason or justify. Their childcare issues are NOT your responsibility!!!

[BuzzyBee]

Yes I agree, and thank you for the advice. I'm just not good at putting my foot down... I havent really expressed to them how upset their actions have made me I just go with the flow for DH. Another thing that would be irritating is her trying to make my son bond with hers just because now she has a kid. Like, he doesn't even know YOU but now you want him around when its convenient. Don't get me wrong im all for cousins bonding but its just the fakeness of it all that's what gets me and poor DH falls into their trap all the time.

[nanotech]

Don't end up being the sitter! You are right to feel annoyed and upset. After showing lukewarm interest generally, mum would suddenly invite me and my baby round. I'd be happy to receive an invitation from mum, then I'd find out that it was so that my daughter could be a playmate for a visitor's child or children. This someone would be a family member or   sometimes just a neighbour she was trying to impress. Either way it stank.
With narcs and PDs, it's always about the transaction. 
If you say anything, you are 'just jealous'.

[BuzzyBee]

Yes exactly! It's all about the attention your child brings them, not about caring genuinely. That's what really gets under my skin! I've had enough of being quiet, showing up to their functions, and putting up with their inflated egos and fakeness! I told DH I am not going around those two anymore for a good while! I had to put up with the limit just helping SIL get married and biting my tongue the whole time to make sure we got her down the aisle (trust me if she didnt get married she would be our problem)! She is SO FAKE its unreal. Her inlaws and husband havent seen what a monster she really is, and they'll eventually catch on to MIL because the apple doesnt fall far from the tree.... They literally make me ill!

[qcdlvl]

I honestly don't know how she's going to handle it mostly alone, especially if MIL doesn't grow up.

Not your doing, not your problem. It's the parents' job, and CPS' job if it truly gets out of hand.

They are both very immature, and not to sound mean but I don't want them to try to push this child on me ...

You sound sensible to me, not mean. Given your own situation, you'd seem irresponsible towards your own children if you didn't object. They can try pushing this child on you all they like, but they can't actually push him on you unless you let them. Just say no. And if they just dump him on your doorstep and run off, call CPS. His parents are responsible for him, not you.

SILs husband's family has no clue how awful SIL and MIL can be...

Again, not your doing, not your problem.

SIL made some comments about us "trading off all the time"

Yeah, her idea of trading off is probably babysitting your children for an hour for every 1000 hours you babysit her child. But you don't have to be her doormat just because she wants to walk all over you.

I havent really expressed to them how upset their actions have made me...

They probably don't care or, worse, enjoy upsetting you - which isn't really about you (being disliked by toxic people is, if anything, something to be proud of) but is about their own toxicity. What I advice is consequences, consequences, consequences.

I'm just not good at putting my foot down...

This is precisely why they're probably looking for you to be their unpaid babysitter. But sometimes you have to put your foot down, not just so that they won't walk all over you, but also for your children's welfare. You can just say "I'm afraid it won't be possible." "Like I said, it just won't be possible." "I don't care to discuss it." Don't JADE - you don't owe them any explanations. Raging, tantrums, etc can be met with hanging up, walking away or logging off - you don't owe politeness to people who aren't civil to you.

She is SO FAKE its unreal.

Sounds like a bad role model for your children.

I'm not suggesting you'd let things get even remotely get as bad as in the cautionary tale I'm going to tell you - and there are of course major differences with your situation - but nevertheless I think it's a cautionary tale worth telling in this context, about the importance of boundaries and not letting certain behaviors run amock.
My MIL was a de facto single mom - FIL was mostly a deadbeat, paying a pittance towards supporting his daughters and for years nothing at all. MIL lived with her own parents and adult siblings in a large house. MIL is a people-pleaser, a doormat to her peers and her elders. Also, she always put her own social comfort (with her FOO and with authority figures) ahead of her daughters' needs. One of her nieces (wife's cousin) became a teen mom and her son wound up raised by his great-grandparents (wife's grandparents) and became, out of pity because he was effectively an orphan I think, the extended family's GC. MIL, by not setting boundaries and not putting her daughters first, de facto became over time his foster mother. Worse, my now wife, was groomed to be a fixer for her extended FOO and a big part of this was being parentified and acting as a de facto foster parent for her cousin's son. The low point for this whole situation was sacrificing her own education (quitting HS - only after she moved in with me did she get her HS diploma) to help support her FOO, including her cousin's son, who at one point flunked public HS and she worked service jobs to pay for a private HS for him. He dropped out of his private HS, stole money from my wife and got a girl pregnant. Because MIL avoided conflict instead of putting her daughters first, because she failed to enforce boundaries, etc, my wife's life was almost ruined. The GC's life was pretty much ruined - he lives with his ILs, in a bad part of town, has a difficult relationship with his partner, and makes a pittance in service jobs - perhaps things would've turned out differently if others hadn't gone to extraordinary lengths to solve his problems for him, and hadn't spoiled him (to the point of regularly cooking separate, special meals just for him) out of pity because he had unfit parents. After these events my wife started looking out for herself more and these events nudged her towards exiting the FOG, but it's had lifelong consequences. Again, I'm not suggesting you'd be like my MIL, but it serves as an extreme example of what not putting one's own children's interests ahead of those of other people's children, excessive pity for a child with unfit parents, etc run amock look like.

[TriedTooHard]

I can also vouch for what other posters are telling you about taking care of your own child and not worrying about this other child.  If disaster struck and you were needed to literally throw a life preserver or feed a starving child, of course you would do it.  But, those instances of acute need are very rare.  The uPDs will always infer that disaster is just around the corner and they, along with everyone else, are needed to sacrifice for this new child.  Spending time in co-dependents anonymous helped me to see some really sad consequences for children who had everyone doing everything for them because of their unfortunate starts in life.

There is a similar situation in my uPD FOO, and CPS eventually was involved.  The uNPDs in my FOO are covert and functional, plus the local CPS didn't have the resources to take the child away, so he remained with them.  The uNPDs of course won't change, but they were then forced to make some improvements.  CPS did trigger better mental and physical health care for the child, along with an ADHD diagnosis and treatment.  It has brought this child so much more advantages in life than my involvement ever would.  Of course, uNPD grandparents boast to all that they saved this child from removal and now they are experts on ADHD.  These are my uNPD parents and while growing up, 1 or 2 of my siblings really could have benefited from an ADHD diagnosis, but uNPD parents ranted and raved about that as if it were the dark arts and a waste of taxpayer money.  Of course, they would gaslight anyone who tried to remind them of that, and blame my siblings' problems on being born with bad personalities.