I have to learn to feel anything other than shame and sadness.

[mushka74]

Hello all,

I am 49 years old. I just went no contact with my mother who is a narcissist. I had no other option left after a lifetime of shame, ridicule, belittling, distortion of reality and so on. Where I am from they say Heaven is under the feet of mothers. I lost any faith I had because of this woman. I didn't want to meet her even by chance in heaven. So I decided I am going to spend the rest of my days on this earth without any contact with her and my golden child equally if not worse narcissistic younger sister. I felt ashamed of myself for so long it feels as if I don't remember any other feeling. I realized there are so many innocent souls out there terrorized since childhood just like me. FOG was where I was without a light guiding me. When I saw the forum name it felt appropriate.
No matter what I did I could not get an ounce of approval, sympathy or reassurance. I am determined to go past this. I am determined to end my isolation from family and friends. How I will accomplish that is the conundrum at the moment. I had no one to tell me ever "It will be ok. You will be alright." She gave birth to her prey I think.

[bloomie]

mushka74 - Welcome! I am so thankful you have found this community of fellow travelers as you are taking this step of NC after years of abuse and ridicule. My heart breaks for you when I read:

No matter what I did I could not get an ounce of approval, sympathy or reassurance. I am determined to go past this. I am determined to end my isolation from family and friends. How I will accomplish that is the conundrum at the moment. I had no one to tell me ever "It will be ok. You will be alright." She gave birth to her prey I think.

Your intro post resonates with resolve and almost reads as a powerful mission statement - which I love!!

I want to say this to you as you put one foot in front of another and take steps to healing and a rebuilding of your emotional and mental default settings and begin to deconstruct the lies that were spoken over your life... it will be okay! You will be alright! In time, better than okay and alright. You will be free!!

So glad you are here and looking forward to supporting you! 

[Tribe16]

No matter what I did I could not get an ounce of approval, sympathy or reassurance. I am determined to go past this. I am determined to end my isolation from family and friends. How I will accomplish that is the conundrum at the moment. I had no one to tell me ever "It will be ok. You will be alright." She gave birth to her prey I think.

I don't have any words of wisdom other than so many here stand in solidarity here with you. This is a safe place to get that approval, sympathy and reassurance because so many have walked your walk. Here is where you learn that there are good people in the world that aren't like our disordered parent(s) which we've been led to believe that this is our lot in life to be in submission to them. It's not easy to break out of that mindset, Lord knows I struggle every day with a litany of "WHY?" and "What next?", but it's also been a tremendous season of growth and learning who I really am. I wish the same for you and lots more moments of peace and clarity to boot.

[moglow]

Mushka, It will be all right. You will be okay.

We find ourselves every day, both in the tearing down and in the building back up. I'm still learning new things most days, even though I'm not actually no contact with mine. I limited then limited some more and yet more until I realized it doesn't matter to her anyway.

No matter what I did I could not get an ounce of approval, sympathy or reassurance.

I feel that all the way to my bones - somehow regardless of how we were raised, mothers are held to a higher standard, ya know? That ours are just not able to provide those basics, for their own children?? I beat myself up for my entire life, trying to meet some unattainable goal - her approval? love? simple appreciation or compassion for another human soul? - and it's just not there with her. It's not an easy realization but I do have the sure knowledge that it's nothing I did. Nothing I could do. Nothing I caused. Same goes for you, Mushka - learn how to refuse things that are not of your making. You truly don't have to take those on.

[Forsythia]

"I had no one to tell me ever "It will be ok. You will be alright."

Hello Mushka,

As Moglow said "It will be all right.  You will be okay."

That is good that you are clear on what you always wanted and needed to hear from your mother, but so sad you never did.  Hoping your new NC provides some peace as you sort through feelings.

I did a song and dance for the first many decades of marriage in hopes my DH would read my mind and actions and tell me something like "It's gonna be okay".  Now I just ask him: "Honey, would you please tell me it's gonna be okay?", and he does. 

So glad you are here, so we can offer to you: "It will be okay. You will be alright. "