PDmom had a stroke

[Therivercontinueson]

Hi all, hope you are all well and finding peace in your days. Just posting as I feel besides my partner, other people don't really "get it", and it's helpful just to hear similar situations, advice, etc. from people I know who do.

I've been NC for a few months now, and have received threats and incessant emails - I didn't tell my parents why I went NC, just that I needed time to myself (whoch they haven't respected, of course).

I received an email which routed to my spam folder a few weeks ago from PDmom that she thinks I must be angry because I feel she's abandoned me by doing X, Y, Z horrible things (which she did do - her list contained things such as not helping me with paying for a medical procedure but instead going on a lavish vacation, stealing my credit card, hurting a pet "by accident", etc.). Either that, or I must be addicted to drugs    But of course, this was an accusatory email with no apology that she did these things, which ended with "can we talk?" 

I ignored this, as usual, but then received an email from her a few days later that she's had a stroke. At first I was stressed out, as old feelings of obligation and guilt rose up (which my mother had always weaponised, to keep everyone at her feet), and then I just got angry. Actually, I got furious. It was a surprising feeling, but it was also quite freeing, if that makes sense?

I feel she probably didn't actually have a stroke (how could she write me an email if so?), or it was mild and exaggerated (as things usually are). I am sure she said that to me as an ever-escalating test to see what will get me to respond, and of course when I don't, will be able to turn and use it against me that I "didn't care".

She's got money, and "doting" family members (the ones she's wrangled through fear and implicit threats), so I have no doubt if she's actually had a stroke she will be taken well care of. But yeesh, all I wanted to do yesterday was go on a calm, normal date with my husband, not be pulled into the rollercoaster of bs that's thrown my life so far off track in the past.

I guess this is progress in terms of emotional responses to NC - at first I was terrified I would "get in trouble", and now all the (very valid, yet unexpressed) rage and annoyance feels it's finally coming up, and I can just deal with it on my own, while living my calm, otherwise rage-free life.

I know this will probably turn into grief as time goes on, but it felt so good to just write an email (that I didn't send), just saying "actually, you're right, you did abandon me, and here's a massive list of how and when). Writing it felt so cathartic, and I realised it was the first time I've ever "vocalized" those things "to them"! I'm normally a very reserved person, but wow, getting that out on paper felt great.

At the same time, there's still a part of me that sees my PDmom as a frail person, and I feel bad for her if she did have a stroke, and I keep checking my emails for updates with a sense of mild anxiety. What if it is really bad? It's a weird thought, and very existential for a lot of reasons. And it's difficult to parse out a "normal" human caring feeling with the FOG that was instilled in me. Obviously she can't be or have been that "frail" to instill such authoritarian terror in me, and at the same time, I know she's not more powerful than me (anymore). It's a weird set of mental hoops however to jump through everytime that old fear and conditioning raises its ugly head.

I have stayed NC, but was wondering if anyone had their own experiences with medical issues and NC? Stay strong everyone.

[moglow]

I'm gonna be the one and my most sincere apologies if I offend ...

Call me a cynic but timing seems a skosh -convenient- to me. As you mentioned, she's had a stroke but could send you email? Right on the heels of her previous email where she assumes you are mad because she abandoned you ... and you didn't respond. Riiiiiiight. Got it.

Let's think about it: what if it IS really bad? You said there was still no apology, no apparent remorse. Does her supposed condition change what's taken place, wipe that slate clean? Is there anything you can do for her, or want to do? Do you want some tear filled drama where she magically feels all better then reverts right back to her true self? 

Been there done it, apology never happened and mine continued on unchanged and unimpeded. But that was *my* experience.

[Cat of the Canals]

At first I was stressed out, as old feelings of obligation and guilt rose up (which my mother had always weaponised, to keep everyone at her feet), and then I just got angry. Actually, I got furious. It was a surprising feeling, but it was also quite freeing, if that makes sense?

If your family was at all like mine, you weren't allow to be angry. The only person who was ever allowed to be angry was your mother. When I first met my husband, if he ever mentioned my being angry, I'd deny it. It took me years to realize why I was so afraid of being angry. Reconnecting with an emotion that was previously denied is absolutely what I'd call "freeing."

[JustKat]

I've been NC for a few months now, and have received threats and incessant emails - I didn't tell my parents why I went NC, just that I needed time to myself (whoch they haven't respected, of course).

Just speaking from my own experience, you don't have to tell them why you went NC. They know. They know what they did to you and they know why you left. They'll pretend that it took them by surprise and that they have no idea what they possibly could have done to hurt you. They'll play the victim and tell other family members that they don't understand why you left. But they know. And yes, they can be relentless in their hoovering attempts.

As for your mother's stroke, no one can be certain, but I have to echo Moglow in saying that someone who's just had a stroke isn't likely to be sending coherent emails. I can't speak for what's happening with your own mother, but my Nmother was "dying" for ten years before she actually did die. And when she did pass away I didn't believe it until I got a call from my dental office offering condolences. Just something to be aware of. PD parents love to cry wolf.

And also like Moglow, my Nmother passed away without ever apologizing. I think it's normal for us to get our hopes up and think they'll show remorse near the end, but the nature of their mental illness makes that unlikely.

I'm glad you decided to write that unsent letter. When you see it written down, it really opens your eyes, doesn't it? Stay strong.