Am I being love bombed??

[Bowsy26]

A couple of weeks ago, after dnpdh shared a couple of stories from his youth in an effort, I think, to draw me in, he began saying "I love you" quite a bit.  He usually calls me honey but since I've asked him many times not to do that and he continues, I judge that is just an attempt to annoy me and also gives him something to tell people (I call her honey and she tells me not to - picture hanging his head and looking up with sad eyes).  But the I love you bit is new since it has been years since he has said that. 

I've chosen not to respond to the I love you's but they have continued.  Then this morning I got up to find 2 mother days cards from him - well one from him and one from the dog.  I haven't gotten a mother's day card from him in years and he never ever has given me a card from any of our dogs over the years.  In his card, he loves me the best that he can and is always trying, etc., etc., etc.  In the dog's card, my sweet puppy loves me as the best mom ever.  Contrast this to our own children have not spoken to us in 20 years.  They've never explained why so I can only surmise the best I can and hope for a change of heart someday.  I assume they couldn't deal with this chaos any longer.

So is this an attempt at love bombing?  It's funny, but when someone else talks about love bombing I can see it, but with this I am unsure.  Maybe since he doesn't tie anything directly to the fact that he suspects I am leaving?  I've pretty much stopped trying to figure him out but after I opened the cards this morning, I began to wonder.   His usual modus operandi has been to become more obviously waif-ish to emphasize how he needs me.  I'm on to that and am using MC and GR when I see it.  So perhaps a new approach? 

[notrightinthehead]

When you change, often your partner changes - you behave differently maybe that unsettles him and he adjusts his behaviour in order to restore the balance.

[GettingOOTF]

He sees you slipping away and now he's doing what he thinks you want so you won't leave. Yes this is love bombing and is more than likely temporary until he feels secure he's got you back where he wants you.

My BPDxH never called me by my name. I asked him not to call me "honey" for years. One day I realized I was married to a man who did not respect me enough to use my actual name.

My sister's abusive husband mispronounces her name. There are two ways to say it and he uses the way that isn't hers. She hates it and he knows this.

Calling someone by their preferred name is the easiest thing to do for them.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Oh my, gettingoutofthefog I just read your post and yes - my pdH NEVER USES MY NAME!

He chose a nickname for me, early on. He does this for everyone. I now see it as a power game, giving people his own label.

It bothers me but it's something I hadn't thought about till lately. I have not heard my name spoken in my home for almost 5 years (when H moved in). It makes me feel as if I am invisible.

And yes to the first poster, sounds like love bombing. The only way to know for sure is give it time. Pds cannot sustain their 'good behaviour' for very long (specially if it is not getting them what they want)

[Bowsy26]

Thanks for your responses.  He has been inconsistent even with his love bombing.     One would think he would work hard on that, at least, lol.

I so relate to not being called by my name.  Now that I have decided to leave and am waiting for a senior apartment opening to come up, I have less tolerance for it and find myself having to bite my tongue everytime I get called  Bowsy26-honey. 

[SparkStillLit]

I wish for a diminutive of my actual name, so naturally updh uses my formal name.
I don't like my name; it has always been spat at me in contempt and anger, and pet names used otherwise. The only people who call me by my formal name are those in the workplace (because I just don't feel like it's professional for them to use the diminutive. If they hear about it and use it, I won't make a show,  but I won't offer it.)
H especially uses it when he's displeased with me, furthering my dislike.

[tragedy or hope]

Love bombing! Day and night. He picks wildflowers from the field when he gets the mail. branches from trees, roses... tries to think in advance about everything he thinks I will do next. Constant I love you's; forced kisses when he "surprises" me with coffee Races me to get the bed made and dishes in the diswasher. (this also to make me look lazy and him as the hero)

Will not speak of his desires but insists on getting me lunch when out. Will not say he is hungry...is only doing it for me. EVERTHING is because he loves me so much. I am not THAT lovable. I just want an equal partner. he will not recieve this. He will not meet me in the middle. He HAS to be the hero.

he's so proud of his behaviors. I am aggravated that he tries to think ahead for me. I have to tell him not to do things for me and he does them anyway. I am learning NOT to tell him what my next move is, and I feel kind of sneaky. He gets weird and will try to get control back by annoying me or saying or doing something with a hook to get me off balance.

In the back of my mind I feel he is trying to make me feel like an invalid. He will tell me to watch my step, when to cross a parking lot, when to stop and wait, how to step out of the car.... it never stops. I tell him no, sometimes I do the opposite or just ignore him. He questions me when I make a decision.. "are you sure" to cause me to doubt my decisions. It never ever stops.

I told him he behaved like he is never happy the other day. Now I have to listen to incessant humming when I am in the room. I am getting pretend joy. The things I treasure and express about he is now totally involved in and sees joy in it too.

Diabolical. Unbelievable... truly manipulative and crazy making. Theres more but no one would have time to read it all...

[Free2Bme]

All,

I experienced this too.  This was confusing to me even when I saw through the false-ness of it because part of me was relieved updxh wasn't raging/gaslighting/manufacturing chaos, lesser of 2 evils.  So, I sortof accepted this behavior as a respite and didn't make a fuss (for myself and kids).  Of course he knew -that I knew- that he knew.  It is a challenge, will she call me out?

I think it is a double bind.  'If you accept my overtures then you affirm that I am a "good guy" and therefore you can't complain about the relationship'.  If you call it for what it is, "you are an ungrateful B", and then there would be some form of punishment for the crime.   

IME, updxh also did this to control the narrative.  He was 'creating' history that would be regurgitated in front of others to secure his cover.  After love bombing me/kids, he would bring up what he did to church members, family, co-workers, friends.  This would buttress the image he was constructing/projecting.  It was like an insurance policy, just incase Free2Bme decided to expose him. 

* T/H... TOTALLY can relate to what you describe here!  It became very suffocating and anxiety producing for me, and yes, diabolical and crazy-making to live like this.  It takes so very much energy just to keep your head straight. 

*Bowsy... MC and not trying to figure him out is probably your best bet, conserve your energy.  If I remember correctly you are recovering from surgery and in process of making arrangements for your move?  Maybe on some level your H senses a shift in the relationship.  IME, pd's don't respond with reparations to the relationship but will opt for the 'band-aid' instead.  Hang in there.

[Bowsy26]

Tragedy and Free:  We are all married to the same guy (or guys with the same playbook). 

I have listened to the "all for you" BS until I wanted to barf.  Once I asked him why, if everything he does is for me, so little of what he does is what I actually want.  That was a real if looks could kill moment. 

I've had the over solicitous suggestions so I didn't "hurt" myself.  Last year I fell at an ice castle slamming my head into the 8 foot thick ice wall and tore off part of my ear plus gave myself a concussion.  It took me pleading as I lay in the ice mush for him to PLEASE get me some help.  That put his solicitousness in proper perspective.  When I actually was hurt he just kept telling me to get out of people's way, that I had to move.  I couldn't even stand up. 

Yes, it has been a difficult year and I have had 2 terrible falls.  But PDs response has helped me make some decisions and get moving on them.

Your right Free, I'm facing surgery (have a test under twilight sleep next week to determine if I do or not) and I have my application in at a couple of senior housing complexes.