Help with my son asked

[hhaw]

(((M))))  You will never change your father. Let that go.... accept who he is and let it go.  It won't change, likely.  You have no control over it and acceptance will set you free..... radical acceptance without question.  The sky is blue, the grass is green and your father is broken in places he can't see or if he does look.... make him defensive and frightened so he lashes out.  I doubt he's aware all the time. 

What changes is you.  You are the strength and the calm and the consistent parent for your son and also for yourself.  There are wounded and protective parts of you too... from your childhood.... and they likely are just discovering this new adult part or you.  Maybe they don't know how old you are, but they're learning you can advocate for and protect them and yourself... and your son.  What an amazing thing to gain that skill..... speaking your truth, setting boundaries calmly and holding them. 

Calmly asserting yourself is impossible when you're triggered.....trying just seems to make things worse, but you;re finding a way to navigate it.  New skills.  New coping strategies.  The fruits and flowres of practicing mindfulness....
all the things I continue to mention....
acceptance
self compassion
releasing expectation
embracing curiosity and releasing all judgment......

things will continue to get better for you, even if your father's wounded and protective parts keep him stuck where he is.... you can move forward and you know I'm gonna say model that for your son every moment you;re with him. That's all we have, M, is THIS moment and we choose how we spend it.  Every moment is a choice.  We get to the end of the day and we spent that day in suffering or in joy.  Either way, we the day ends and we realize.... choosing joy is always available, even if we can't qjuite get there.... we cultivate choosing it, IME. 

Going into nature, building the garden with your child is so important.  Good on'ya.  Keep breathing and journaling and working with the people who get you.

Well done, M.

[Marianne]

Thank you so much.

I have been switching in and out of this adult part. Whenever I stood up and behaved in a mature way - even as a kid - my parents would feel threatened and kick me down. I also let that happen. Should have quit contact before. There is so much more peace now, and strength to work on my own life, now I stopped begging for cooperation.

I was wondering if you and others might want to think with me...

-  What can I do to make kid feel safer with me again? Any ideas are welcome. CPS will finally arrange family sports
    therapy for us two. I have psychological and practical help, that I am 100% honest with. Kid says it just needs time. 

-  How keep kid completely out of the conflict with my dad? But at the same time assert boundaries with my dad. And also
    with kid, who sometimes takes over behaviour of dad. Example: my dad tends to make nasty jokes about people. Saying
    they are fat or dumb. He does this even more so against me. Saying, with kid there, that I or my friends are weird and
    crazy, that I am fat. Or in more subtle ways giving kid the impression I am mean and strange and unsafe. Kid is
    extremely sweet. But starts to use this type of humor. I don't mind teasing each other a bit. But I do not want him to
    talk disrespectfully about others. Or me.

-  CPS wants to talk with my kid. About his wishes. I am obviously okay with that, if kid is okay with it. I'm slightly
    concerned though. There have been years of parental alienation. And me falling over. And dad literally guilttripping
    and intimidating kid if he voiced he felt unsafe. I worry all that distorts the picture. And they will not hear
    what is REALLY best for him.

-  CPS says they want to help me get kid back here. Carefully. I want to really do what is best for kid though. He
    is used to the situation with dad. He is attached to him. I don't think he feels fully safe here already. And I am
    100% sure dad will fight back. Covertly or not so covertly. Also at the cost of kid's wellbeing. That is a reason to
    take kid out of there asap. But also a reason not to, or not carelessly. I do not want to pulls kid's other arm, and pull him in
    two. And I'm obviously not 100% healthy yet either.

-  Dad spreads twisted stories about me everywhere. Also CPS. Superficially they seem very realistic. And I need to
    really dive into the details to show it is absolute nonsense. How do I correct this?

-  Any advice to be able to reach dad, still, would also be welcome. But I see none.

Uhm.

Help? 

[Marianne]

Oh: dad booked a three week holiday and told kid. Without waiting for my "okay". While I explicitly asked him to discuss it first. I have full custody. CPS said they would call him to stick to a two week holiday. So that I have the other two weeks. What now? 

Sorry for all the questions.

Oh and on the brighter side: I think you are right about the joy. Kid and I also are having a lot of fun. Kid loves outdoor play - badminton, football, frisbeeing. We bought a few nice items, and play outside a lot. We joke (positively ) and cook together and garden. I think I am learning to enjoy life with him too...despite the worries.

[hhaw]

M:

About the joy.......
whether you suffer and struggle and worry worry worry......

OR.....

Do what you can THEN put the story on the shelf......
you're going to get the same outcome, likely, IME.

Why waste these days with your son..... he'll be grown and out both your father's and your door before you know it.

Make the most of what you have.

About your father's failure to comply......
document it. 
Report it through the proper channels in the proper way to the best of your calm ability, then follow up as is appropriate.

In the meantime......
notice what makes you feel anxious or afraid or empty or alone...... but also what calms your brain and excites it.

Write down what you discover and make lists of what actions serve you and what create problems in your life.

You have the chance to make NEW choices, even if they don't release happy chemicals in your brain.... you can train your brain into new habits and activities to sooth yourself for the best possible outcome in your life.

Whatever it is you were doing when you found yourself in a bad situation in the hotel....
whatever coping strategies lead to less than GOOD outcomes for you...... really think about how your life is affected by your present choices.

I've been impressed with your ability to discern and select responses instead of reacting in old patterns.

NOTICING what's happening inside your internal world is how you begin to make good and great changes, IME.

You're very young to figure this stuff out.

Remember, the person with the best records typically does better in the courts.  Document, record, collect evidence and always think about what you want to accomplish BEFORE you speak.

It's OK to ask for a break or a moment to collect your thoughts, get a glass of water, whatever.  Cultivate that split second before you REACT and be the most responsive parent you can be with the ability to be as responsive to your your son, self and situation.

That's the game, IME.

Good luck, my dear.