Back to square one; 'just-like-that'

[Bellie]

Hello again,
It's been a long while since last posting on the forum, but, in the last the last few days this will be my second post!!

A quick background: I am NC with my N mum and her husband (enabler) for a year and half now. There have been only  a few phone calls in that time and none have ended well. I always end up feeling so frustrated that I just revert back to all the old feelings and habits. I NEVER like myself after the phone call. Its just awful. It would usually take me three days to get over it, but at least now I am able to figure things out over the next few hours.

Except; the last call ended with my N mum hanging up on me. I sent her 'another' long letter trying to explain everything (no reply). There have been at least 5 letters that I have sent to her in which I 'try' to explain what the problem is and I have received no replies to any of them. I have received a couple of unrelated letters though, telling me that my husband is controlling me and that she is worried for my life. Also she believes that I am mentally unwell and again she is fearful for me. She tells me in each letter that she loves me with all her heart, always has and always will no matter what happens.

Anyway, I digress, the last phone call was a mess - rug-sweeping, then gas-lighting, then telling me that I had said things that I never did, it was just the most confusing and disorientating phone call. Then I got angry (because I always get angry) and she hung up on me. The reason for the phone call was to decide when they would talk to my children on Christmas day. That was never decided. Christmas day came and went with no phone call. We left a message for them saying merry Christmas.  She has not tried to call since.

I am in the dog house. I am getting the silent treatment and I can feel her anger from the other side of the world! (We do not live in the same country). I know her so well, I know how she feels and what she is thinking. Its been a long while since I have been on the receiving end of her anger. I feel so uncomfortable. Up til now she's been 'fearful' and 'worried' for me or 'bewildered' or 'sad' that she has lost me. Now she is ANGRY.

Anyway, my question is do I call to clear things up or don't I. I know I shouldn't call her, that it will most likely (read completely) end up being a bad idea. I will inevitably fall down the rabbit hole again, but I just feel this overwhelming fear that if I don't call, this may be how it all ends, on this horrible bad note. (Not that before hasn't been horrible). And then my thoughts run into the future. Will I NEVER see her again, NEVER talk to her again. Will this be IT? How on EARTH do I FIX this? There MUST be a way! Its just so final and awful. I can't imagine never talking to her again. How will I feel if she dies and this was how our relationship ended?!?

And in one fraction of a moment I am back to square one, I am back to all the fears and doubts from one and a half years ago. Have I learned nothing?

When I read how people have been NC for 5 years and longer, I wonder if these cycles become fewer and fewer and if the fear of losing a parent  becomes less and less? This has been a hold that my N mum has had over me for a long while - she has blamed me for her bad health numerous times and has even told me that I am killing her. I know she was just lashing out from fear but boy does the residue stick! I don't want her to die. I don't want to never have a normal relationship with her. This fear is overwhelming me.

As I said, back to square one!

Bellie

[moglow]

Bellie, it sounds very much like life with mine.  I tried.  And tried and tried and tried.  Each time I though "this time it will be different! THIS time she will hear me and we can turn things around." I wrote letters that she threw back in my face and shared with everyone who'd stand still long enough to listen.  Phone call after phone call after phone call when she'd explode and hang up on me repeatedly when she didn't hear whatever it was she wanted.  Then silence for weeks or months.  And suddenly she'd be all charming, fairy light and moonbeams.  Until she wasn't and it all started again.

I ask honestly and not meaning to cause you further hurt but to help you think it all the way through: How are you thinking to clear this up [again]?  Has it ever worked in the past? You say you don't want to never have a normal relationship with her - have you ever had that, really?  And more importantly, what are you afraid of?  She's angry, volcanic anger if she's anything like mine.  And?  How are you to fix that?

I say this with the deepest sincerity and compassion for your pain - you can't fix her or anyone else.  Only she/they can do that.  We can only address ourselves, our behavior and how we treat others.  Compassion tells us to reach out and risk being slapped yet again.  Remember, we must first have compassion for ourselves.

I understand, I really think I do. And it makes me hurt with you. I'm to the point with mine that I call rarely, visit even less and then under duress. Sad as it sounds, I'm a better happier, healthier person away from her. I don't like it, but I most assuredly don't like the person I become when around her.

Reach out and be gentle with yourself *first*.  Practice good self care, surround yourself with kind nurturing people or if you don't know any, get out and find them. Going to her when you're churning isn't likely to end well, at least it doesn't with mine.

It's a process - and we're here with you.

[Malini]

Hi Belliie,

I don't think you're back to square one. It's a set back but you said yourself that you're now able to pick yourself up and dust yourself off much faster than before, so you're moving forward even if it doesn't always feel like it.

The silent treatment is so awful. It's punishment and designed to get us back to toeing the line ASAP, out of guilt or fear or obligation. It's also frightening and I asked myself exactly the same questions that you are. The finality of the end of a relationship with my NM was scaring me to death and it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a kind, loving, respectful Mum, and thought we could work out our differences because I was her daughter and I thought she'd want the same things.

You've written 5 letters already. None of them have resulted in a better relationship with your NM. Whenever you call, you get upset and angry and she hangs up on you. I don't think writing or calling will bring much of a different reaction from her.

And then my thoughts run into the future. Will I NEVER see her again, NEVER talk to her again. Will this be IT? How on EARTH do I FIX this? There MUST be a way! Its just so final and awful. I can't imagine never talking to her again. How will I feel if she dies and this was how our relationship ended?!?

This is what the reality and finality of NC is. Coming to terms with it isn't easy and it's also why NC is a final resort when all else has failed. I've been NC for 5/6 years now and it took me about 3 years to reach a place of acceptance of that reality. My relationship with NM ended in anger (on her part) and she's still furious but I've accepted that there is nothing I can do to change that, or rather nothing "healthy for me"  that I can do to change that. My NM just wants a return to how it was before and that is impossible for me.

Do you want to go NC, which means no contact, no phone calls, no letters, no meeting, etc, so a bit different to your NC of before? In which case working through the grief and coming to a place of acceptance would be the next steps to take.

Or do you want to remain VVVVVLC, with an exchange of cards, some calls and even visits.
As you live far away, VVVVVLC could be a possibility and you could work on your boundaries and make sure they're strong before any kind of contact so you can chitchat about safe subjects and bring things to a swift close if you feel uncomfortable or unhappy.

Give yourself time to sit with these feelings and perhaps journaling a bit about your emotions will help you see the path that you need to take. Coming Out of the FOG is a process and all the various forms of contact are not set in stone, we can change them if and when we want to, WE decide what is good for US.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's tough. 

[Psuedonym]

Hi Bellie,

As someone who has only been NC with UBP m for a month and a half now, I absolutely get what you're saying. I'm big on learning about cognitive dissonance, and I think its one of the big traps that keeps us spinning around in circles. I think we hold onto the hope that there exists out there the right combination of words, or the right presentation, or the right person to deliver the message that will cause the PD person to go 'Oooooooh, now I get it. Now I understand what you're saying.' Because in the reality of non PD people, the hope of learning, gaining insight, and evolving as a person is real. With a malignant PD person, however, it is not. There is no capacity for insight, reflection, or real change. There is simply 'you are wrong, I am right. Reality is what I say it is.' The truth is, and this is a tough one to wrap your head around, is that she is choosing not to have a relationship with you. If given the choice – which you have laid out many times – of accepting accountability for her actions and changing her behavior and having a relationship with you or stubbornly insisting on her version of reality, she has chosen the latter every time. I am in the exact same situation, I wrote a long, fact heavy letter that my BF delivered and explained that if M wanted to have any relationship with me she had to take to heart and be willing to change. Her response has been to a) pretend like it doesn't exist and b) claim that half of it is lies. That is her choice. I think part of recovering from an enmeshed relationship is realizing that your mother is entitled to her choice, and that you aren't responsible for it. You make your choices and you live with the consequences, same as everybody else. In a way it's actually showing respect for your mother as an individual. She can choose to live in any reality she wants. The flip side of that is you have the same right. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. It is very much about boundaries and how we are only responsible for our own feelings.

[Groundhog Day]

I read your desperation as to: how on earth do "I" fix this? How do I feel if she dies? Or never see her again?

As your mother, why would "she" risk loosing a relationship with her own daughter and grand children for the dake of being right? How could she live with herself if anything happens to your family or does she only care for her health and nobody elses?

I know how you feel after those screaming match phone calls. You feel bad, you wanted to get your point across but she won't listen and talks over. Any subject you want to bring up and upsets her so she starts screaming. Accuses you of loosing friends of family because of what you might have said but her behavior and actions were the reasons why everyone if running away from her. But she will blame anyone. She has done no wrong. Admitting being wrong or apologizing is not something she will ever do, say or admit.
This tango dance will keep happening over and over again. She thrives confrontation and you light that fire for her. She will keep playing her silent treatment game and then real you back in with soft messages which you will expect changes. But it's all a game to get back to groundhog day. Which for me means over and over again...repetative behavior on her part.

Only you can decide when you've had enough. You can't take these accusations, sleepless night, worry, anger and your mind is constantly thinking about her. It is mental abuse. After months or years of abuse, one has to make a harsh decision. A decision for your state of mind, emotional health, yourself, children, husband. It's ok if you are not there yet and might never get to that point of NC. But do not beat yourself up with how to fix it. You never broke it, so there is nothing for you to fix. You just don't agree with her and she will not accept. If you say no to a child will the child hold it against you for months? Not likely! So why does she act this way?

I have told my M, you have made your choice, I made mine. Acceptance is very difficult. I found keeping a diary of my conversations with M and re-reading the event that lead her to anger, accusation, name calling made me realize she had a me tal problem and I could not cure it. I will give my positive energy to my love ones. Hope this helps you understand you are not alone. We are here to support you with any decision you are comfortable with. 

[illogical]

Hi Bellie,

As you have posted, your mother is using The Silent Treatment to punish you.  You are experiencing the Cycle of Abuse, where your mother wants you to come back into her dysfunctional world but only her terms-- i.e., acceptance of your role as Scapegoat, acceptance of her reality and denial that anything outside of her world (aka the truth) actually occurred.

My NM frequently used The Silent Treatment to try to punish me.  When she felt she had sufficiently punished me, she would call me and act as though nothing had happened.  It sounds from your post your mother is also a "rug-sweeper".

I don't know that you are at the point of going No Contact with your mother, but that's something you have to decide.  For me, I got to the point where VLC was just not working.  I would erect boundaries or grey rock her, then she would deny, gaslight, punish via The Silent Treatment, blame-shift and scapegoat me.  In other words, she had no respect for my boundaries and would push through them at the slightest provocation.  This went on for about a year and a half-- this Cycle of Abuse-- until I reached the point where I said-- she won't live in my world and I can't possibly live in hers.  So the only alternative I have is a separation-- No Contact.

Once I reached this point, I did not suddenly cut off all contact.  I gradually panned out the rope until only my fingertips were touching it, then I let go.  I first stopped visiting NM.  Then I reduced the frequency of phone calls to her until they became very infrequent, then I stopped those, too. 

Except for a couple of attempts by my GC brother (whom I also suspect is a N) and a handful of FMs, my mother made no further attempts to contact me.  I went NC with my GC brother at the same time (because he was colluding with NM to Scapegoat me) and I totally ignored the FMs.  So my No Contact was truly No Contact, not only with NM, but also the entourage which surrounded her.

My NM died almost two years after I went No Contact.  A couple of months before she died, I received a call from a FM friend of hers who left a v-mail that she was dying.  I did not respond.  While I had compassion for her, there was no "relationship" left.  I had emotionally detached and the gulf of separation was immense-- we might as well have existed on two separate planets. (Btw, my GC brother came into town for NM's funeral and left a note on my front door as to the time and place.  I was at home, but did not answer the door.  Nor did I attend her funeral.)

My humble advice to you is to not call your mother back, regardless of the level of contact you decide.  In doing so, she will likely behave as she has in the past and you will wind up feeling worse than you do now, in your attempts to JADE your behavior.  Very probably she will call you after she feels she has "punished" you enough.  And it will likely be a rug-sweep.  At that point, you can decide whether you want to remain VLC, using boundaries and grey rock to enforce your position and protect yourself from further abuse, or go full-blown No Contact and not return her calls.  I would advise letting her make the next move, however.  There is a high probability when she figures out you won't take The Silent Treatment bait, she will try another tactic, most likely rug-sweeping.

In the meantime, you might consider working on emotional detachment.  I often used "imaging" to separate my emotions from the situation, imagining I was high above NM on a magic carpet and she was a little ant and I could barely see her.  This image I would hold firmly in my mind while grey rocking.  Another image I liked to use was that of a scientist in an Observation Booth.  I would observe NM's behavior, but I wouldn't take part in it-- i.e., I wouldn't respond to her or JADE or address her behavior or try to "fix" things, just be the grey rock. 

When I finally went No Contact, I imagined I had walked off the stage of a Dysfunctional Play in which I had been assigned the role of Scapegoat.  I walked off the stage AND out the door, never going back into the theatre. 

These imaging exercises helped me to emotionally detach and come Out of the FOG.  That and journaling, researching N-- so I knew my NM and her behavior better than she knew herself-- and reading and posting on forums like Out of the FOG.  I wish you well on your journey!

[Fightsong]

Lots of helpful stuff here I think. Try and remember you don't need to  go NC if you don't want , or the whole hog or  all of it all at once just like that.  You can take your time and you can do it in the way that fits for you.  You seem pretty overwhelmed just now. I know when I've been there it's helped by just taking time, to be, to NOT do what I was 'meant' to do - not playing by the rules of dysfunction and play nice according to my programming.  Just waiting.  And trying not to worry too much about whether what I was doing what's right. What seemed to matter most was NOT doing the thing I knew she MEANT me to do. It was hard to tolerate. but slowly the time I could bear it for opened and lengthened and I began to see there was calm and freedom in that space. And I started to hear my own voice. 

You won't go back to square 1. You can't undo the growth you have made. It's not possible. Even if the fog rolls in a bit now and again, you know there's a place beyond it.

Wishing you luck. It's not easy.