borderline relationship crisis

[theletterkilleth]

hi everyone.  I'm 2 years in to my first relationship.  I grew up in a fundamentalist cult and have CPTSD, am on the autism spectrum, witnessed my younger brother attempt suicide when I was 9 years old.  At 15 I was told my mother might kill herself if I didn't stop being gay, and was single until I was 28.  I'm a closeted trans woman but I'm about 100lbs overweight, balding and hairy, there have been multiple attacks on the trans community in our city (like several dozen people assaulted by neonazis in a coordinated way in the last month or two) and I just live as a gay man because it's easier than trying to cope with trans stuff on top of everything else.

I'm in a relationship with L, who also has PTSD.  he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year.  he also has a chronic illness.

I assumed it was ok for him to use marijuana because it's not a "hard drug" and he has chronic pain.  that said, it's been over 2 years and he hasn't been sober for more than a few hours at a time.  He quit his job a few months in to our relationship and I have been paying 80-90% of the bills ever since.  I have nearly gone bankrupt, I maxed out all my credit cards, closed them, now pay $416 per month just to pay down that debt, and have never stopped paying for his weed.  he sometimes has food stamps and sometimes doesn't.  he's had panic attacks and cried over me asking him to do things like give me a grocery list instead of getting upset about not wanting to eat anything I cook or cook anything himself, because I can't afford to keep taking him to restaurants instead of using our kitchen.  he says it's partially because I don't keep the kitchen clean enough.  he will say that after he's been home alone unemployed for a month or two at a time and leaves me his moldy coffee mugs to clean on my weekends or when I get home from work at 6:30pm.  I don't always get around to it.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group the letterkilleth,

no one wants to be in a bad relationship, whether the person they are with is healthy or unhealthy.  when i read your post, i feel like you are unsure if it's ok to want to let this person go despite going through so much trauma with them.  because of that uncertainty, i'm going to share resources with you for both staying in a relationship and trying to move forward in more healthy ways, as well as leaving the relationship.  whatever you decide, please understand that there is nothing you yourself can do to fix any of this-  you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you sure can't cure it.    that's all on your partner's shoulders and from your post it doesn't sound like his BPD is causing him grief enough to want to change his lifestyle.

there are great discussions here amongst members trying to understand their loved one's actions
Chosen Relationships

the good folks in actively working on it are using tools and boundaries to remain in their relationships- you may get some coping skills you can apply right away

Comitted to Working On It

people posting in separating are either on the way out or out of their own relationships but are still seeking advice on how the split is going because there's not really a clean break with someone with uPD/PD when a relationship ends
Separating and Divorcing

best to you as you move forward- it can be overwhelming at first but taking small steps helps as you navigate what you want your future to look like,