Hello

[zipfornus]

It's good to be here. I never thought so many people lived with this problem; it always seemed like such a unique thing to me.

My father was a pretty hardcore sociopath, probably close to 40 on the Hare checklist. That's not an exaggeration...he was a manipulative, chain smoking, pill popping, thin skinned con man given to fits of sporadic rage. He was also--at times--a funny, exciting, brilliant man. I lived with and supported him until I was 35. I was finally able to get away from him by moving to another city. I didn't have to go NC. I was able to con him into "letting me go" by making him believe I was going away to make a fortune which, of course, would benefit him primarily. I'm almost proud of that.

My question to anybody who lived a similar life is this--does the fog ever lift? If so, how did you do it?

It's been over 10 years since I left, and he died about five years ago. You'd think that would have solved everything but I still struggle with depression and anxiety, still have a hard time feeling connected to....life in general. I remember being younger and still having a love for life and could get excited about things. That's getting rare these days.

Please don't take this as a "cry for help." I'm not suicidal. I've also been in therapy, which helped a bit. We talked about my past, PTSD and cognitive dissonance. I'll be going back to my therapist at some point when money allows.

But for right now, any advice would be appreciated. I just want to think clearly again.

[openskyblue]

Welcome to Out of the FOG:

I was married to a sociopath for 20 years and have adult children with him. None of us are in contact with him. From time to time, I still uncover some outrageous betrayal of trust he did during our marriage and/or illegal action on his part. He was (and I imagine still is) a charming, gregarious, frequently enraged, dangerous pathological liar and con man. He's still alive, though I don't think it would surprise any of us if the police knocked on any one of our doors to make a next of kin call about him. My exhusband will always be one sideways scam or hair trigger fight away from the end. That's his life, though. Not mine — nor my kids.

Living with any PD is tough, but living with a sociopath goes straight to your core. The person you should be able to trust most is actively and with no remorse manipulating and hurting you. And he is lying to your face, blaming others, triangulating to obscure his actions — all with a smile on his face. If you call him out or doubt him, the wrath he directs at you is brutal and remorseless.

Therapy with a good therapist who understands sociopathy is a big help. My recommendation is for you to get back into therapy as soon as possible. It sounds like you have unfinished business with your dad, figuring out how his life fits into yours. We all have some version of that with our parents, but that process with a sociopathic parent is very complicated and painful. There's just a lot of truth on the floor to tease out from a big snarl of lies. It takes a while, but it's worth it.

You don't say if you're still in contact with your mom or have siblings. I hope you have support in your life with good people you can count on.

[Starboard Song]

Damaging people do damage.

For my wife, the resources in the top line of my signature were most helpful. Her response to our crisis has been self-care and self-awareness that has made her stronger and better.

For me, it was this community that helped the most.

I am glad you found us.