Sleep control

[Poison Ivy]

This: "all I need to know is how it made me feel"

[Andeza]

Not my typical section but.... I read through this, and felt immediately alarmed. Sleep deprivation is nothing short of torture. In it's most extreme forms, it is used as an "enhanced interrogation technique" aka torture. In the amounts many of you describe here, it can cause memory issues, fatigue (no duh I know ), and cognitive impairment. Long term, it's very hard on the heart, endocrine, and immune systems.

Essentially, it sounds as though the disordered spouses are using it not only as a point of control, but as a means to torment you, compromise your long term health, and ultimately make you question your own judgement.

Holy guacamole... I'm so sorry you've all dealt with, or are still dealing with this. Sleep is a basic human right. We all need enough to function, recover, and be healthy.

Also, the creepy Kathy Bates thing just amazes me. Who on earth does that and doesn't realize they need serious help?

Stay safe everyone, and I hope you all get a good night of sleep.

[SonofThunder]

I'm sorry you get controlling behaviors related to sleep, maximizing the manipulation in that way.   

My uPDw attempts to start arguments when I'm just about asleep or fully asleep.   Last week at 1:30am, she marched into the room where I had retired for the evening and wanted to know why I had not initiated sex in 2 weeks.  It's not that she desires sex, but rather uses my comments regarding her appearance or desired physical activity, as a way to feel good about herself, and also as a thermometer of the relationship.  My being wakened by her was angering to me and sadly I JADEed myself right into a prolonged event.   

Afterward, realizing I had JADEed, I told her that any future conversations in which I choose to participate, will be done in daylight hours.  (My boundary on myself).  I have told myself and her before, but it has been awhile and I let my anger cause me to JADE

SoT

[Rose1]

Exubpdmil and enfil used to phone early in the morning despite being told not to. (I wonder about enfil, maybe he was more than just an enabler). Exbpdh did not appreciate his sleep being disturbed and started phoning them at midnight when we were still awake. Twice and the phone calls stopped.
One of the experiences that made me realise consequences can actually work to moderate some pd behaviour. It comes back though

[blunk]

Sleep deprivation is one the worst memories I have of being married to BPDxh. I agree with the others who said, it is akin to torture.

He would often wake me early on the weekends. Despite the fact that I was working 2 jobs to make ends meet, including Friday and Saturday evenings, while he was out of work for more than 2 years. If I slept past 7 am, he would lecture me that I was wasting the day. And to add insult to injury once he woke me he would then ask me to go out and get him coffee...some weekends he sent me out 2 and 3 times a day.

He frequently had trouble sleeping at night, and would stay up watching tv until he fell asleep on the couch. And once he was asleep, he was near impossible to wake. However, if I went to bed without him there was hell to pay...including being woken up to be yelled at. I finally told him that, I would try 3 times to wake him, after that I was going to bed.

He would then nap during the day while I was at work, and frequently on the weekends. I once made the mistake of asking him how me sleeping in past 7 was wasting the day, but him napping all afternoon was not.

Towards the end he was working overnights. I was required to stay up and text with him when he arrived at work. He would then call me on his break at about 2 am. This was a favorite time to start an argument, or air all of the gripes he had with me. I would beg him to get off the phone because I had to be to work in a few hours and needed sleep. He would then tell me that if he didn't get all of it off of his chest now, he would not be able to sleep when he got home. I once said that I really needed to sleep, and that I was going to turn my phone off. His response was that if I did so he would come home from work to continue our "discussion".

I can't count how many times I nearly dozed off while driving to work. I always thought I was a light sleeper, turns out I was just hyper-vigilant, and in a peaceful environment I sleep quite soundly.

I am so sorry that so many of you have had to deal with this, or are still dealing with it.

[SparkStillLit]

Although I am not disturbed out of my sleep purposefully, I too am hyper vigilant, and often do not sleep restfully, unless I am or updh is somewhere entirely else where I know I can in no way be disturbed.

[HH]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this - my BOD spouse has a similar pattern but mostly angry if I fall asleep and feels "abandoned" and angry when I fall asleep on the couch, watching tv, or during a movie. Even if we are in bed together and watching something she shakes me awake and tells me I don't care about spending time with her. It's gotten better - but at times it's extreme.  I have come to realize after she had some neurofeedback therapy that her brainwaves from trauma were very very irregular and kept her from sleeping. I always thought this was the case but the therapist saw this and agreed to have help try to use the method to readjust the brain activity. She started the therapy but due to covid and expenses we aren't able to continue right now. It gave me compassion for because her brain is literally sabotaging her ability to sleep and she feels afraid because trauma happened at night as well. I'm hopeful we can work toward long term solutions as well - and working in some disciplines that lead to better sleep health like shutting off screens, lighting, music, reading to get tired

[PeanutButter]

Looking through the traits this morning. I didnt know this was listed there! I was surprised but then I wasnt.
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/sleep-deprivation

[11JB68]

Blunk your experience sounds similar to mine

[11JB68]

  PB
I just read that the other day

[Xyz]

The male I am with disrupts my sleep.  It is sleep deprivation.  It is torture.

[1footouttadefog]

My PDH was disturbing my sleep.  It was a combination of neediness and outright being nasty.

He would get up to use the bathroom and would make noise unnecessarily, turn on room lights and plunk down on bed roughly, then fake yawn loudly. He would tug at pillows and covers while sighing loudly. 

It was quite a show.  He would also stay up late last me then wakey up several times to update me on headline news. 

I finally got tired of it and started sleeping on couch. Eventually I set up a room in the basement.  It's like an efficiency apt with seating area, bookshelves, wardrobes, computer desk etc.  I have a kitchen area in the basement so I can make tea or a snack. 

Funny thing was he had also been taking over my space in the bedroom while he was sleep depriving me.  He was putting military related trinkets in my jewelry box and had taken over drawers in my dresser. 

I left it all with him and started a new room with other furniture and retrieved my things.  Over time I replaced plastic bins with furniture and have a decent set up now. 

He has never comaomed about me not sleeping in there with him and has never enquired about me coming back.  Instead he make poster sized reprints of himself while in the military and has a couple dozen of those plastering the walls.  His room is now a shrine to himself.

[Spidernest]

We have to go to bed at the same time. I have to fall asleep facing him & cuddling with him.  He goes to work earlier than I do & will wake me up when his alarm goes off by overly hugging/caressing me -- he just loves me soooo much.  Even on the weekends, he will do this around 4 - 5 am. Once I'm awake, he will fall back asleep.  We will lay in bed looking at our phones, but once he is ready to turn his off and go to sleep, I must to do the same, or he will accuse me of staying awake to text my non-existent lover.
During times where he is sure I'm having an affair, he will keep me up all night badgering me- slinging accusations and verbally abusing me. He won't allow me to walk away or even leave the room.  It's weird, like he goes through phases where he does not need sleep so he makes sure I don't get any either.  Funny how I never thought I would be controlled to the point of which position I have to sleep in at night. I'm still in disbelief that this has become my life.

Holy crap maymay, I feel like I'm reading my own journal. I'm sorry you're going through this. Mine constantly asks for "touches" to go to sleep, and if I don't comply will stay awake laughing or just being borderline maniacal and inappropriate with me until they are too tired to function. Constantly pushing boundaries I have set, but I am too tired most days to change the pattern of my own behavior- I don't want to fight before bed, because I know in the end, I'll ultimately be the only one impacted.

[SonofThunder]

We have to go to bed at the same time. I have to fall asleep facing him & cuddling with him.  He goes to work earlier than I do & will wake me up when his alarm goes off by overly hugging/caressing me -- he just loves me soooo much.  Even on the weekends, he will do this around 4 - 5 am. Once I'm awake, he will fall back asleep.  We will lay in bed looking at our phones, but once he is ready to turn his off and go to sleep, I must to do the same, or he will accuse me of staying awake to text my non-existent lover.
During times where he is sure I'm having an affair, he will keep me up all night badgering me- slinging accusations and verbally abusing me. He won't allow me to walk away or even leave the room.  It's weird, like he goes through phases where he does not need sleep so he makes sure I don't get any either.  Funny how I never thought I would be controlled to the point of which position I have to sleep in at night. I'm still in disbelief that this has become my life.

Holy crap maymay, I feel like I'm reading my own journal. I'm sorry you're going through this. Mine constantly asks for "touches" to go to sleep, and if I don't comply will stay awake laughing or just being borderline maniacal and inappropriate with me until they are too tired to function. Constantly pushing boundaries I have set, but I am too tired most days to change the pattern of my own behavior- I don't want to fight before bed, because I know in the end, I'll ultimately be the only one impacted.

This is also with my uPDw.  She will tell me she can only fall asleep if im facing her (spooning she faces away) and desires to have my arm around her.  But she goes to bed between 1:30-2:00am.... i get up early for work so i usually fall asleep on the couch much earlier most nights.  But on nights where she may have to sleep earlier or i stay up later, she desires that sleep position. 

In periodic times when she starts attempted drama, part of her accusations are that i dont 'share' a bed with her, falling asleep on the couch first.  I just use the toolbox to shut that down, but its a classic no-win PD set up regarding sleep/sleep deprivation.   

SoT