Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?

[p123]

I had a bad back before xmas. Was pretty bad - struggled to drive. Had MRI, injections etc. Meant once or twice I could not visit Dad.

Its better now 90% better. Dad asks me EVERY SINGLE TIME I speak to him how my back is. Its so obvious that all hes concerned about is my fitness to serve him. Of course, I'm not admitting its better now.

[GentleSoul]

My personal experience was when as a teen I told uPD mum I had been referred to hospital for further tests following me discovering a breast lump, she made it much harder to cope with.  She made it all her heeeeeeeeeeeeeer!  Woe is her, her daughter may have cancer and might die and leave heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.  Woe is her. How she is suffering. 

She insisted on coming along to the tests with me.  Made the most enormous fuss.  Drew the attention of all.  I was pretty much trying to hide under the seat in the Waiting Room.

Then N dad got into the circus act and made an equally enormous fuss.  Woe is hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim. His daughter might have cancer and be dyinnnnng.

Added to this, he told everyone.  As in people I didn't even know were coming up to me on the street asking mentioning it.

So erm, my advice to you would be NO, do not ever, ever tell a PD about any health issues.

Then when, thank God, the lump was removed and I was fine, the PD's disappeared and dropped me like a ton of bricks to find someone else to play out their sick attention seeking rubbish with.

[nanotech]

OMG gentlesoul. I cannot imagine having to deal with that, especially as a teenager. I'm so glad you were ok. It's as if we should take the blame for being ill, and make sure we make them feel better about it!  It's that thing- that we've been brought up to feel and be responsible for their emotions. They just can't deal with stuff in their own, let alone support us through adversity.

P123, glad your back has improved.
I do yoga for my back and knees. I've told my dad how it assists my back. I've developed such a love for it.
When I speak to dad, he always brings it up, and will ask me in a weird and measured tone,  ' Are you still going to YOUR yoga?' or, ' How is( pause) YOUR yoga?'
He talks as if it's something that I don't want and that encumbers me like some sort of unwanted pet or dreadful affliction! Of course, this is how he views it.
Anything I do or experience that could get me credit, attention, or take my availability away from him, he's negative about.

Dad used to do the same when I went swimming, asking in that same weird tone. Then I'd hear the same story (50 million times)  about why he'd never learned.
Not his fault at all of course. It's because he was so good at football,  and the football coach in those days told them not to swim because swimming uses different muscles!

He was always really  competitive about the swimming as he rates it a lot higher than yoga as an activity.

He doesn't rate yoga.

Another reason he gets annoyed that I love it so much.

I've offered to teach him to swim, as it seems to really bug him that he never learned. But since I offered I've realised that was parentification on my part. Whoops.

Thankfully, that  offer sank to the bottom 😆.

He can't be a beginner in a pool full of swimmers, many younger than him. He doesn't realise that doing something like that, even if he just had fun in the water and didn't learn, would bring kindness and help from other swimmers and would give him a wider social circle. ( not just his golf club cronies).   He just can't be seen as vulnerable and in need of help.
How he misses out on life. 
He has always to be the best straight away, -or have learned when he was young.

Well dad, I can't fix that. I wasn't around to parent you when you were growing up!

Our health issues and  our hobbies- unless there's some sort of reflected glory in it for them, or a 'poor me' angle, they truly and utterly HATE them. 

I've digressed a little here on the topic, but I do think it's relevant to mention hobbies/ sports.
P123 I think dad sees your family as falling into this category! 
My kids are grown now therefore I should be caring for him. What business do I have getting health problems or joining gyms? 

He also sees the two as mutually exclusive. He complained to me about his friend who ''claims' a bad back had kept him off the golf course, but then ' goes to the gym.' It was said in a condemning tone and dad  quite scathing.
I told dad
'Dad I understand that , he will go in and just be on a special program in the gym to gently strengthen his back. '

No comment from dad. Again, not something dad could ever do, be vulnerable as an older person starting a new interest, and needing to seek help from young, fit  gym staff.
He just wanted me to moan along with him that his friend was lying or at least exaggerating.
I never say the 'right' thing!
This is my family.
Don't believe anyone when they say they are ill.
Or make it their fault.
My aunties both developed arthritis quite early on in life, mum didn't develop it till her 70s.
Mum was very unsympathetic
toward  her sisters.,

Two of my mum's corkers
I heard growing up:

' People who complain a lot, GET arthritis. They give it to themselves.
And
' Auntie has arthritis because she drinks coffee.'


You can imagine their response when I developed it in my 30s!  Ignore ignore ignore. Not happening- fingers in ears lalalalalalalaaaaaa!
Dad is  still doing this.
Crikey.

I think DAD thinks I should be available af all times for him. A bit like a Firefighter stood at the top of a pole, just in case!

I've told him my phone gets turned off during yoga sessions. He hates that too. Tough!

[p123]

Oh nano our Dads are SO similar!

My dad thinks any form of mental illness is "all in your head" and all you need to do is "pull yourself together". Yeh I know. Like a lot of people, I've had depression/anxiety problems off and on for 20+ years. Never mentioned to Dad.

Dad once had a problem swallowing. Apparently, its a stress related real thing. He would not have it. Was convinced there was something wrong with his jaw, had a right go at the GP. There was no way HE had mental problems because theres no such thing.

Of course, he was OK in the end. Made me swear NEVER EVER to tell anyone it might be mental. Oh THE SHAME OF IT ALL.

It was quite funny at the time watching him mind....

[GentleSoul]

OMG gentlesoul. I cannot imagine having to deal with that, especially as a teenager. I'm so glad you were ok. It's as if we should take the blame for being ill, and make sure we make them feel better about it!  It's that thing- that we've been brought up to feel and be responsible for their emotions. They just can't deal with stuff in their own, let alone support us through adversity.

Thank you for your kindness. You are spot on in your observation that they cannot deal with their own stuff let alone be capable of offering other people support.  Easier for them to turn it into a three ring circus of insanity. 

I was always made responsible for making sure the PD parents were ok.   

Completely the wrong way around.

OOps, I did giggle about standing at the top of the fire fighter's pole, just in case!   I totally get what you mean.    

[nanotech]

P123 yes very similar indeed.
On mental illness and depression, my parents both thought that people should
' snap out of it.' They loathed the concept of therapy , viewing it as intrusive and also useless.
When mum became depressed, (which she did in the 70s ), they didn't call it that, and instead searched for a physical reason.
Mum found herself a 'guru' who gave reiki, all fine, yet part of the treatment was akin to talking therapy, where mum tearfully offloaded stuff to him about her childhood
( father left home) .
She swore by the change in diet,to health foods and herbal teas, but I believe that she was helped the most by the talking therapy.

They were in denial that mum had had therapy, but that's what it was.   

Gentle soul yes, they struggle to cope with life at the best of times. They feed from us and use that supply to cope.

So when a big problem emerges, they have no resources to offer us. Their resources are our support, which we can't easily give when we are the ones suffering.  We need their help the most then , and it isn't forthcoming.
In fact, they will still try to draw strength from us! 
When my mum became terminally ill I had to postpone my own devastation while I consoled and supported my dad who was talking about how he was going to kill himself when she passed over. He was actually talking methods. This was the day after the terminal diagnosis. I'd just had my car stolen that morning. ( life sometimes sucks!)

When mum died, I then had to defer my grieving because dad needed all of my emotional support to deal with her death himself.
He didn't kill himself.
I'll never forget that on the same day I found out mum was dying, I had to take on the responsibility for keeping my dad alive.
Dad never once asked how I was coping with losing a parent. Not at the start, at the end, or now.
He just presented me with the possibility of my losing both of them.
I could have been anyone. He told me his plans as if I were unrelated to him.

As with a lot of UNPD narcissists, he saw and sees his children as extensions of him, not people in their own right, with reactions, emotions and feelings.

Even ten years on, he sees my relationship with mum in terms of himself. 
If I put flowers on her grave, he will say  ' thank- you', as if I did that to make HIM feel better.
She was my mum. The flowers aren't for HIS grief, they are for mine.

[p123]

Nano - know what you mean about being an extension.... My Dads like that. He can't understand how I could possibly not do exactly as he says.....

Oh I've got a grave story. My gran (Dads mum) passed away 24 years ago now. I was very close to her. Twice a year - xmas and her birthday I put flowers on her grave because I want to. Dad (and his siblings) never bothered EVER.

Anyway, her rose tree died and the plastic tag cracked and broke. I wanted to buy new ones BUT I needed permission from, basically my Dad or his siblings. I'd never told him that I did the flowers thing.

So I mentioned it. "Whats the point, just leave it, it costs money". I pointed out I visited with flowers twice a year - "What do you want to waste money like that for?"
Tactless or what? Now I don't even tell him I do it - hes forgotten. Same as you, its for me and I don't need his permission.

Unfortunately, I never was able to replace the rose bush or tag because he won't give permission.

[nanotech]

It's funny, they are always to an extreme. My dad is the opposite, yet it's similar. He's just there so much! My dad is always going to mum's grave. He regularly rings me and updates me on what he's placed there, and how my flowers / plants are doing etc!
He has made comments about my having 'spent a lot' . Sometimes I place a decorative pot there and I can tell he thinks that's too much money. But I don't go as often as all that and I like to think there is something growing there even when I haven't been for a while.
I would go more often but if I say I'm going, dad wants to come. Then he wants to drive me there and I don't want that because I'm trying to get him to stop driving. He's nearly 88. Also  I want to take myself, have time alone there at mum's grave. Me and mum and not have dad involved.
P123 I hope your test results are good. Me and the old man have both had tests over the last few years. We didn't tell dad. We told him afterwards after they came back and we're fine.
He said, ' thank you for not telling me at the time because I would have been worried and I don't like feeling like that,'
I'm not sure that I've ever heard a reassuring word off him when I was waiting for something. In fact when I was waiting for my O level results HE kept asking ME for reassurance! He was more stressed than me!
He followed me round the house, asking! He wouldn't accept, "I don't know." So then I told him that I'd thought I'd done really badly! He stopped asking!
Then when I did well and was elated, he said well done,  but then scolded me for ''misleading" him!
When I come to think of it I've always had to make my parents feel better about things, not the other way round!

[WomanInterrupted]

I think you know my answer to this:  don't tell them ANYTHING unless you want to wind up reassuring THEM or be accused of LYING, therefore you must ATONE for your crime.   

We are *not* allowed to have needs - and that includes health problems.  It's that simple.   

The last time I told Didi I had a problem, she wound up FORBIDDING me from having necessary surgery because she'd have to take care of Ray, who was post CABG surgery and she didn't think that should be her job!   

Lady, you married him, not me.  It's NOT my job to take care of Ray. 

I told her the surgeon already set it up and she furiously slammed the phone down on me.  I was *stunned.*  I sat there, holding the receiver,  crying because she didn't care that I was in pain, and she didn't see the big picture:  take care of it now, while it's minor, or let it become a BIG problem  and wind up in ICU for a week.

Where I'd be of no use to her, of course! 

Didi usually didn't want reassurance - usually, Didi didn't care and didn't want to hear about it.  She was only upset that one time because she thought I was shirking my duties by playing hookey.   

Normally, Didi just didn't *CARE* - DH had bilateral detached retinas.  Crickets from Didi, after she insisted I was making a mountain out of a molehill.   

No, I was frightened half to death at the thought my DH could go blind if the surgeries didn't hold.  He was only 30 and the only support system we had was each other.

I wanted my mom to reassure me - instead, she invalidated me, and accused me of trying to ruin her trip with my "dire proclamations."   

Holy projection,  Batman!   

Didi wanted all the attention for herself, and didn't understand why I stayed home  for her countless trips to the ER and area hospitals. 

Because I was on to her, that's why    - she wanted attention and she wanted to monopolize my time and my life - and it was my job to make sure that didn't happen.   

If I got a call that she'd just landed there, I'd make an excuse about only being in the way, and later say was too busy and couldn't get away.  I'd see what I could do, but it wasn't looking good.

I even did that when she really was dying - and frankly, I'm glad I missed out her last chance to verbally lacerate me for being such a horrible disappointment. 

Ray just didn't care AT ALL.  You'd tell him your medical problem and he'd instantly "one better you" - then expect you to do what he wanted. 

I threw my back out and was limping.  Ray says something about needing me to move his desk and safe from the upstairs to the back room on the main floor.

On a good day, the desk would have been unwieldy - it was aluminum, but if I got it flipped over, it  would slide down the stairs, and I could drag it back that way.  (BTW - this sort of thinking was called making things TOO EASY, therefore I was NOT doing actual work.) 

But the safe?  That thing weighed a freaking ton and Ray already knew there was no way I was even going to try it!

I said, "I can't.  I threw my back out..."

Immediately!  Ray launches into story about how he fell  off his treadmill, laid on the floor for HOURS AND HOURS and nearly DIED - can't I move his desk now?   

No.  And even though  I'd only been there a few minutes, I turned around and left. 

After Ray got himself declared incompetent, he ripped me a new one, cursing and swearing that he was in the hospital because I wasn't doing my JOB in looking after him - and I was SUPPOSED to be there, all the time. 

I told him that wasn't fair - so he decided to give me the Silent Treat. 

With my cancer diagnosis, one of the first things I thought was I was so happy I didn't have to hide it from either of them by stonewalling and being "Busy."  I'd like to think I'd have been NC, but for some reason, if I wasn't, I wouldn't want them privy to any of the information - they'd only keep upping their  games and calling me a liar, smearing me to their neighbors, smearing me to my DH, and alternately using my diagnosis for their own gains:  LOOK AT ME!  PITY ME!  MY DAUGHTER HAS CAAAAAAAAANCER!   

When I first posted about it, one of the FIRST things I said was IT'S CURABLE - and it is.  That's true and it's not been a picnic, but it's better than the alternative! 

That's the part I'm focusing on - just like all of us are focusing on recovering from or minimizing medical problems we're having - and hoping they don't come back.   

We just don't need the added complications of PD parents/grandparents sticking their noses in and making our problems all about THEM!

Silence is our best weapon, in these situations.   

[p123]

It's funny, they are always to an extreme. My dad is the opposite, yet it's similar. He's just there so much! My dad is always going to mum's grave. He regularly rings me and updates me on what he's placed there, and how my flowers / plants are doing etc!
He has made comments about my having 'spent a lot' . Sometimes I place a decorative pot there and I can tell he thinks that's too much money. But I don't go as often as all that and I like to think there is something growing there even when I haven't been for a while.
I would go more often but if I say I'm going, dad wants to come. Then he wants to drive me there and I don't want that because I'm trying to get him to stop driving. He's nearly 88. Also  I want to take myself, have time alone there at mum's grave. Me and mum and not have dad involved.
P123 I hope your test results are good. Me and the old man have both had tests over the last few years. We didn't tell dad. We told him afterwards after they came back and we're fine.
He said, ' thank you for not telling me at the time because I would have been worried and I don't like feeling like that,'
I'm not sure that I've ever heard a reassuring word off him when I was waiting for something. In fact when I was waiting for my O level results HE kept asking ME for reassurance! He was more stressed than me!
He followed me round the house, asking! He wouldn't accept, "I don't know." So then I told him that I'd thought I'd done really badly! He stopped asking!
Then when I did well and was elated, he said well done,  but then scolded me for ''misleading" him!
When I come to think of it I've always had to make my parents feel better about things, not the other way round!

Thanks nano - I aint telling him anything about my health good or bad......

To be honest, without details, it concerns a certain part of your body. Even I mention its all good you can guarantee he'll decide he wants to have a conversation with me in public about it. Hes done that so many times......

[p123]

We just don't need the added complications of PD parents/grandparents sticking their noses in and making our problems all about THEM!

Silence is our best weapon, in these situations.   

You're not wrong. To be honest, I'm increasingly feeling that I don't want Dad as part of my life. Yes hes my Dad but I no longer have any interest in sharing anything with him.

[alphaomega]

The NPD Spin to make their childrens illnesses about THEM is a unilateral byproduct of the nonsense that they spew.

I'm going through menopause.  It's challenging, but I'm managing.

I made the UBER mistake of telling my mother.  And, of course, every text, every call, every freaking EVERYTHING is about The Pause 

I'm currently on a self forced sabbatical (things got super dark, super scary for a bit)  and she does NOT like that one iota.
Because I'm saving MY life, who is going to save hers ?!?

She even went so far as to phone my BFF and ask her her thoughts (along with dropping a few times "She takes SO MANY VACATIONS, DOESNT SHE ????)

So imagine, if she has the raw balls to call up my soul sister and slam me, just picture what she is saying to everyone else...

XO AO

[p123]

It just makes me so mad. EVERY SINGLE CALL now -"Hows your back?".

He might as well be saying "JUST CHECKING YOU'VE NOT GOT ANY EXCUSES TO RUN AROUND FOR ME". Its just so obvious....

Last time I went mad when I was ill I had the excuse "But but I was just seeing how you are? You should be glad I'm thinking of you" and "But I was worried about you". So then I'm bad son with the poor sweet old Dad who gets told for just being concerned about his kids.

(I did remind him that getting my brother to fbook message me when I was ill, calling me all sorts of names and I am a scumbag because I'm making Dad worry is not exactly being caring. No reply to this.

[doglady]

My short answer is: Under no circumstances.
I remember having this discussion with a sister years ago. She asked if I'd tell my uPDM if I had a serious illness. My instantaneous reply: 'Hell, no! She would somehow make a cottage industry over it.'
My mother is obsessed with illness (hers and everyone else's) anyway and going to funerals etc, and would simply view it as another way to get attention for being seen to be so 'helpful' to those in need. She is unbearable when people are ill. It's one of her only communication points and her special interest subject.

For me to tell my parents that I was ill would be tantamount to bringing on an early death for me due to all the stress that they would cause by endless visits, not to mention the comments from FMs about how much they are doing for me.
I've already seen how this plays out in regards to my GCbro who had cancer a while back.
So I hope I am not being overly dramatic when I say that I would rather die than tell my parents anything of the sort.