Un-enmeshing myself from codependent M

[Wilderhearts]

Hey folks, it's been a while.  I've tried to focus less energy on understanding the pwPDs in my life and have just gone non-contact with basically anyone in my personal life that could be PD'd, so haven't needed to visit as much.

This doesn't directly involve any pwPD - I just needed to come somewhere where people understand the fallout of all the narcissistic abuse.

I wrote a year ago about struggles with my co-dependent mother, who also wants me to be co-dependent to her and enable her self-sabotaging behaviour, or else be her emotional crutch so she can get temporary relief without having to improve her life or mental health.  (She was married to my uNPDf for 25 years, and is an ACOA herself.)  I have zero doubts that we all have CPTSD - we were often afraid for our lives.

I've really distanced myself from her for over a year now, since I last wrote.  I rarely take her calls, keep them short, visit even less, and really initiate.   I  eventually said I won't tolerate her bombarding me with negative thoughts and feelings and she did stop that.  I stopped responding when she'd talk about her mental health and trauma therapy in every conversation, and she eventually stopped that too.

She still doesn't ask about me or my life and doesn't engage with anything I do tell her, so I'll only tell her something if she asks.  Consequently she doesn't know what's going on in my life, and just prattles about herself and everyone within six degrees of separation.

Her communication skills have badly diminished - she can be incoherent or say something completely illogical then claim to have meant the opposite.  I feel so frustrated, anxious and upset when this happens - I'm worried about dementia, but also it's reminiscent of pwPDs deliberately communicating poorly then blaming you for not understanding them.  I expressed my frustration with her poor communication and she said that sometimes she's "scared to talk to me."  That pushed me over the edge - if I express real and honest feelings that show how she's affecting me, she's the scared little victim. Mind you, all I said was "well that's not what you said" in an irritated tone.  Nothing mean, let alone abusive.  But I'm supposed to protect her from my feelings - be codependent.   

Then I just let it all out.  I told her a bunch of things I thought about her behaviour and our relationship, and none of it was positive.  I really think it broke her.

I told her I became the parent in our relationship four years ago, when I lost her to another mental health crisis, and that she's never come back.  That I'm tired of losing her repeatedly, that she doesn't engage when I tell her about myself, and she doesn't ask - she's not emotionally available or mentally present.  It was just a big list of accusations, and I'm really disappointed in myself for doing that rather than saying what I feel and need. 

She responded pretty graciously, despite me not making it easy for her, told me how grateful she was for all the support and that I got her mental health help, and that is has been helping - she really is trying and doing her best.  Yes, she's been screened for Alzheimer's but dementia has crossed her mind. 

She is proud of me and my career.  She was completely unaware she's only asked me about my career once in the past year but then said it was because I once said I don't want to talk about it  and I don't volunteer information.  Total chicken and the egg argument, but I told her I need a shred of positive reinforcement to volunteer information, and she heard that.

Eventually she came apart at the seams and said she couldn't talk anymore.  She still tried to be very reassuring and tearfully said she loved me and we would fix this together.  I of course panicked later that she'd kill herself since I've had her on suicide watch on and off for four years, but I checked in to see if she'd be ok and she said yes.

The hard thing is, I only get these moments of mothering and connection when I drop bombs on her about her behaviour.

She is an ACOA and I know this is the patten she went through with her father - he gave up and she became the parent, held him when he fell apart, etc.  I just don't want to continue the cycle.

It's only been a few days since all that, and we haven't made plans to talk yet.  Time to figure out what I feel and need, and not have a repeat of just throwing accusations and judgements. 

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry. Maybe, just maybe, this thunderstorm cleared the air a bit and now, that you have got your frustration off your heart, you can begin asking for what you need. Mum, I want to tell you about my ... Mum, I need you to listen and praise me for... Mum, I need a compliment

You sound so kind and understanding, you know that your mother is broken and there are emotional skills she has not learned - you might be able to accept that and just clearly, bluntly ask for what you need from her.  Then she has a choice,  she can give you what you need, or not.  And you will know if she is willing to heal with you, or not.

[Wilderhearts]

Thank you, NotRight.  That actually brought tears to my eyes.  I felt like a terrible person for telling her what I think, like I'm the furthest thing from kind and understanding, because I set boundaries, got angry, and didn't communicate to the highest standard.  I guess narcissistic abuse will really have you thinking that if you're not perfect and meeting others' needs perfectly, you're trash.

I am really working on expressing needs and asking for what I want.  It's actually hardest in the context of my FOO.  I think you're right that this cleared the air.  I've been a parentified child my whole life, and I am really mentally working to not parent my mother into parenting me - not fill up her cup in hopes of getting a drop back, not regulate her emotions so I'll have a safe and emotionally available attachment figure.  However, straight out asking for what I need means I won't have to parent her into parenting me. 

[1footouttadefog]

Don't forget, you can redefine the relationship to a point that is healthy for both, according to reality of what is. I have found that lowering expectations is often the key to success in dealing with pd people.  It keeps me from constantly being disappointed and relieves the pd of failing.

It does not have to look like a parent child relationship when you are done.  At least it does not have to be a stereotypical parent child relationship....whatever that is. 

Any mutually satisfying new normal is better than painful unfilled expectations and pd minefields.

We should always take care of ourselves in all of this.  Make sure you find folks in your life to fill the voids left by those who you have to emotionally distance yourself from.