There and Back Again

[pipchick]

Door, not four. I cant type properly. I am literally shaking.

[PeanutButter]

Thank you peanut butter.

I got the medication to lock away without her seeing and then I went down to make sure the greyhound ate her tea as loss of appetite is a symptom  of overdose.

Then she told me to stop being funny with her,and that I know where the four us. The she told me to Xxxx off.

IMO Go in your room now and lock the door. Do not leave the house yet if possible. But if it was me i would stay away from her and not engage no matter what. She is wanting to bait you into escalating. She cannot stand your MC. This is expected. She was getting supply from you and now youve cut her off.

[pipchick]

That's where I am now

[PeanutButter]

Door, not four. I cant type properly. I am literally shaking.

Its ok i knew what you meant. I know you are shook up and who could blame you. That is vicious of her to tell you to leave when she knows you have nowhere to go!
This is the only power she had to effect you. She knows you see behind her mask!

[NumbLotus]

This is vicious and you don't deserve any of this crap. Not one shred. We all wish we could just beam you (and your dog) right out of this situation.

[pipchick]

She knows this will destroy me. My partner is Australian. Theres no way I can get to him. Hes not even awake tight now. And she knows the more drama she can associate me with the more chance he might end it between us. Also, if I dont gave anywhere to live i cant save up... which has been our plan for a while now.

I am so lost.

[PeanutButter]

I hope you can have some quiet to rest and recover. Your instincts are working well. You got the lock to keep you safe. Now you are safe in your room. This too will pass. I know how much you are hurting. I am sending you loving supportive energy!

[NumbLotus]

Do you have any tenant's rights?

Will this blow over if you can hang in there for a couple of days?

Is she banging on your door or leaving you be for now?

Does she ever leave the house?

[pipchick]

Thank you peanut butter and Numblotus.

She is leaving me be so I will just stay here. She's not likely to go anywhere tomorrow. I got her favourite pork chop for new years day dinner.

I will wait for my partner to wake up in a few hours.

Shes downstairs talking about me.

[PeanutButter]

She knows this will destroy me. My partner is Australian. Theres no way I can get to him. Hes not even awake tight now. And she knows the more drama she can associate me with the more chance he might end it between us. Also, if I dont gave anywhere to live i cant save up... which has been our plan for a while now.

I am so lost.

Yes this is why she is doing it. She wants to break your spirit. This way you will be submissive again.
Do you have to leave? I mean what is to stop you from refusing to leave? As long as you dont engage in any fighting with her, does she have the right to MAKE you leave? If not then dont!IMO

[pipchick]

You are right. I finally started to have some kind of life again this year after a long time being depressed.

It's her tenancy so I dont know but I will look into it. I dont think I have any rights.

I will look into it though.

Thank you all.

I dont deserve this. I have to remember that. Please God let me remember it.

[PeanutButter]

No you do not deserve any of it. NONE of it is even a little bit your fault! Pleasepleaseplease remember that!
ALL of it is projection of the darkness in her soul and reflection of the toxic termoil in her mind. IMO
Earlier in my journey i use to do this mental exercise: I would focus on my breathing a few deep slow breaths IN -OUT In through my nose Out through my mouth then I imagine light energy from above (heaven) and around (universe) that i would pull into and around myself. I would imagine the light surrounding me. The light is unconditional love. It protects me. Almost like a shield. I am inside the light. The light comes through me.
For some reason this helped me to feel stronger and less effected by people trying to be mean to me. I felt like as long as I had the light (unconditional love) surrounding me negativity could not touch me. If I felt someone was trying to hurt me I would do this exercise to help ground myself in confidence/joy.
Hopefully she wont bring up you leaving again.
You can pretend like you dont remember the argument if she does.   

[doglady]

Thinking of you, Pipchick. It's very worrying that your mother is hurting your dog to get at you. This verges on sociopathic. Cruelty to animals (whether obvious or plausibly denial) is always a major red flag. There is something seriously wrong with your M.
I know you live in the same house as her but is there anywhere else you and your dog could stay, even for a little while?
I hope that you will be able save enough money to get far, far away from her soon.

[pipchick]

Thank you peanutbutter and doglady... you're awesome souls

I am still in my room. I haven't left it. I should be able to rent a room but I would have to leave my two dogs here. I dont think she would do anything with me out of the picture. Like you said peanut butter it feels very much like she has tried to get submission from me after a few days of mc from the last altercation.

Whether she actually wants me to leave I couldn't say. She has her new partner so maybe she wants me out of the way. But then I cant help thinking she'll definitely want the dogs out of the way without me to watch them every day. (sighs)

Anyway if it has come to where she thinks telling me to leave is the magic button she can press whenever she wants to hurt me (because it worries both me and my partner), I cant live under those conditions. I really cant.

[pipchick]

Thinking of you, Pipchick. It's very worrying that your mother is hurting your dog to get at you. This verges on sociopathic. Cruelty to animals (whether obvious or plausibly denial) is always a major red flag. There is something seriously wrong with your M.

I just wanted to add how much I appreciate this validation. It's a feeling in your gut when you know something is not merely a "mistake" not that she would admit to one anyway. But if you say this to people who haven't been there... no matter how nice they are, they always side with the abuser from what I have seen. It's not their fault, I know. Its unimaginable to them. But I need to not feel insane tonight, and you have helped so much. You and everyone who gave me support tonight on this thread. I'm so thankful for you all... I just heartily wish that you hadn't been here too with each if your foo.

[pipchick]

An update for this thread.

Things are a lot calmer today. After realising there are actually cheaper places to live I've been trying to sort out my stuff all day.

As it turns out she has ripped all the wallpaper off the living room wall.

Eventually she sent me a text message.... from downstairs. Then when she appeared at my door I got the standard lectureb - you all know the one - about how you hurt their feelings, and how if you could just be nicer as a person.

The dog is fine, unfortunately I do have to leave the dogs here. Theres no option. But at this point I have to think about my own mental health which is already battered.

I just cant live here anymore, not even for the two year plan I had with my partner before I move out there permanently.

Nothing else to say for now. I guess I've just reached my limit. And that limit is when it doesn't just affect me. I cant have her pulling his strings as well and making him feel powerless. Thats ludicrous. Theres no way I can let that happen.

[NumbLotus]

Thanks for the update.

Reaching your limit is strangely both a horrible thing, and a fantastic, freeing thing. YOU REACHED YOUR LIMIT! This is it! You're taking back your control NOW! Good job

Also - the wallpaper. I keep thinking I've heard it all.

[pipchick]

Thanks for the update.

Reaching your limit is strangely both a horrible thing, and a fantastic, freeing thing. YOU REACHED YOUR LIMIT! This is it! You're taking back your control NOW! Good job

Also - the wallpaper. I keep thinking I've heard it all.

It was a horrible thing earlier and it's still a bit scary.... on the other hand something has clicked. I've made my decision and I no longer care much what she thinks, or what she thinks about what I do.

If that's a precursor i am going to feel like a physical weight has been lifted when I'm gone and i no longer have to spend my life on my tiptoes or my knees. I'm working for that now. Everything else can be sorted out.

Thank you for all you help... I really do credit this forum with getting me through. Because this forum was here i stayed sane.

[Brooke]

I just caught up on this and want to say I'm so impressed that you stayed calm and you're making a plan to get out.

Are you going to look at flats today?

[Andeza]

Also just read through this. You are so very strong and brave, pipchick! You can do this! Sometimes leaving is scary. You don't know where to begin, or where it will end... You've got great emotional advice here so I'll just offer up a checklist in case it's useful.

-Secure a flat, get your papers in order
-Do not tell your mom 
-Prepare forwarding of your mail and update addresses with bank/phone/utilities etc.
-Do not tell your mom 
-Get your things packed, now is a great time to shed excess so you have less to ferry, and even sell anything of value that you may no longer need or want to help you ease the transition financially
-Do not tell your mom 
-If you have joint bank accounts, open one in your name only, same with your cell phone, no family accounts
-Don't tell your mom 
-Finally, move. I recommend doing this when neither she nor her questionable male friend are home. Just be gone by the time they get back.
-Leave no forwarding address with your mom... If she doesn't know where you live, she can't bother your landlord. You may also consider whether or not you wish to warn your landlord and you boss at work that your mom is having some mental health issues and may not say nice things.

None of these things is cruel. They are for your own protection. Be safe, take care of yourself, I have faith you'll get through this!