Dragging me down

[lilyflower236]

Hello! I haven't posted in a long time but I'm seeking support from others here.

The TL;DR (if you don't want to look at my post history) is my ex and I separated 7 years ago, he immediately moved in with his gf who eventually became his wife. Stepmom hates me and disparages me to my son (age 2 at the start of this) constantly along with engaging in questionable physical "discipline." CPS is involved twice (one time by counselor report and my report, one time by pediatrician's report). Ex and stepmom engage in hateful text messages and confrontations toward me over the next 3-4 years.  My son relates this to a counselor over the next few years and I took it to court two years ago. I won primary custody, and stepmom has to be supervised around my son (by other family members). Shockingly that doesn't work and she continues her crap toward him, and as of June the court issued a no-contact order. She will not vacate their house when his dad has custody time, so currently my son lives with his paternal grandparents on Thursdays and every other weekend so his dad visits him there. The good thing about that is his grandparents take better care of him with a regular schedule and he doesn't have to witness all the fights between his dad and stepmom.

The bad part is he still loves his stepmother (which his dad takes as "proof" that no abuse ever happened, like it's not a fact that people often still love their abusers because they're not always abusive and they're also manipulative) and so my son says it's hard not seeing her. He doesn't like his reduced time with his dad (at 9 he doesn't understand that this is because his dad has failed to protect him in the court's eyes), and he wants to be at his house! My son cries and feels helpless. I feel like trying to protect him has  caused trauma and I've basically had to determine which trauma was worse — his stepmom's continued abuse vs separation from his dad and home via court order.

A few months ago we mediated an agreement to allow the stepmother a few supervised visits with my son'l while he's with his counselor and the ability to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with his stepmom, with his grandmother supervising. Since these visits have started, my son says he loves seeing her but he has starated having terrible night terrors nearly every night. They're terrible — he's crying and inconsolable. He can't remember anything about them the next day but he's obviously under a lot of stress.  His grades are falling as well.

Oh, and to boot I found out he actually spent 24 hours with his stepmom on Thanksgiving and traveled out-of-state with her to an extended family celebration, which was NOT the intent of the mediated agreement.

My ex and I do court ordered co-parent counseling. It's a disaster — he minimizes the abuse, he calls our son a liar, and I get to pay $85/session to hear what a terrible person I am. Fun.

So what this boils down to is it's been 7 years. I have consistently "won" in court and my son is protected as legally possible from the verbal and emotional abuse of that woman. But for some reason I have taken it on myself to try to find a path back to my son being able to have a relationship with his stepmom because he misses her so much. I didn't have to mediate the holiday and supervised visits but I did, under the stipulation that she get counseling. We are to meet again in January to find out how that's going.

I am not doing well and despite getting outside help and support, after seven years of this I feel worn out and it's affecting all areas of my life and I just can't anymore. I am depressed. I'm thinking maybe I just need to step back. The protections are in place. My son may not be 100% happy but he's also 9 and doesn't understand the intricacies of what's happened to him and ultimately the long-term affects of stepmom's emotional and verbal abuse that his GAL, the court, and I know are REAL. The burden should probably be on his dad and stepmother to prove they've changed, accept responsibility, etc. Why am I agonizing over this? Which they show no sign of doing.

Any words of support are appreciated. I can't think unemotionally about this.

[athene1399]

hello, Lilyflower

The burden should probably be on his dad and stepmother to prove they've changed, accept responsibility, etc.

. I feel you are correct. However, often when PDs are involved, change just isn't possible. SO and I just had a conversation yesterday about his BPDxw (who I usually just call "BM" becasue it's shorter) and how we wished things could be different, but she just can't see how she causes her own problems. She likes to blame everyone else. And when someone does that, they cannot change. I don't know if that is happening in your situation, I just wanted to say I understand how frustrating that is. You do everything in your power, yet you cannot change the other parent.

Also, as you said, you are doing everything you can to make sure your son is protected. I feel it is an added challenge when S9 wants to see SM. You are trying hard to make that work while keeping S9 safe. You didn't have to do her any favors, but you felt it was important to S9 so tried to make it work out for him. You can only do so much. If SM doesn't want to change her behaviors, you cannot make her change. 

It is a terrible feeling to see what the kids go through and knowing that you are doing everything in your power to help. But it never feels like it is enough. But you can only do so much, and you are doing an incredible job keeping S9 safe while trying to help him have a relationship with SM. Since you are feeling very worn down, can you put some time aside for self care? Or put time aside to not think about what is going on with your ex and SM and your son? It is important that we realize how we are affected as well and make sure that on top of caring for the kid(s), we care for ourselves as well.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Lily,

My goodness you've been through a lot!  No wonder you are feeling deflated and wanted to step back- it is so hard to maintain that type of emotional state for that long a period of time!  I imagine you are exhausted!

If you feel like you need to step back- do it!  You have the protections in place, just follow the rules and don't try to manage outside of those requirements.  One of the things you should keep in mind- YOU did not create this situation for your ex and SM, they did.  You did not restrict their access to DS, the court did.  I think this is important because it's not your mess to fix.  Of course you want your son to be happy and not miss his SM, but you are obligated to follow the rules.  We stick to the CO rules 100% and we explain that to the kids- this is what the court decided was best, and we are required to follow the rules of the court.  Hopefully that mindset will help you step back, and just manage things within your sphere of influence and what you can control....it certainly does not include ex and SM.

[Penny Lane]

Hi, lilyflower.

First of all,

I think it will help you to reframe this in your head. Right now you feel like your actions are traumatizing your son. NO. His stepmom and his dad's actions are traumatizing him. You are trying to choose the least bad of the options available to you. And it's their fault that you don't have any good choices.

The best options would be 1. his stepmom stops being abusive or 2. his dad prioritizes his son's well being and chooses not to live with his son's abuser. You WANT to facilitate those things. But, unfortunately you can't make those things happen. The only people with the power to choose the good options have shown that they are not going to do the right thing.

So you're left with these bad options, trying to figure out whether you should let your son continue to get abused or to watch him feel awful because he misses a person who used to be part of his family who he now can't see at all. It's like a real-life trolley problem. Do you do nothing, and let the stepmom abuse him? Or do you pull the lever and let him ache for the family setup he used to have? Either way you're not the bad actor and you should not internalize the guilt for the repercussions of their bad actions. You're making a choice, yes, but only after they've set you up to only have bad options.

You gave them a chance to change and, clearly, they are not. Your son cannot be healthy and be around his stepmother. His stepmother is never going to treat him well or respect the boundaries that you set as a custodial parent. I mean taking him on an out of town trip - when she KNEW that this was a test to see if she could handle time with him - is a pretty clear sign to me that she is not willing to be reasonable. AND, on top of that, the night terrors alone are extremely troubling - what I would say in January is "look we gave this a try but S is too traumatized by the prior abuse for me to allow this to continue. I'm also very concerned that you chose to take him out of town without telling me. We will have to go back to NC between S and SM for the foreseeable future."

It sounds like what is stopping you from disengaging is a the old fear, obligation and guilt that we're all so familiar with. Here is what I suggest: Stop spending your emotional energy on trying to work with your ex. He had the choice, between his son's well being and his abusive wife, and he chose wrong. Give yourself a time limit where you will say NO to any requests that you relax your boundaries on this point. Maybe a year, maybe more. Give your son a chance to really relax and see how his healing goes. At the end you can see where things are at and assess whether you and your son are equipped to try again.

In the meantime, take all your energy that you are currently spending on spinning your wheels with your ex and his wife. And use that energy on yourself, to fill up your reserves. And then use it on your son. He needs to learn how to cope with those feelings of helplessness and how to grapple with loving his stepmother while also being terrified of her. You will be in a better position to help him navigate these really tough feelings if you're not totally burnt out from constantly fighting with your ex over this.

And the good news is that you already know the judge will enforce these boundaries! Otherwise they wouldn't have ruled the way they did.

I think I'm saying things you already know. You said it really well here:

I'm thinking maybe I just need to step back. The protections are in place. My son may not be 100% happy but he's also 9 and doesn't understand the intricacies of what's happened to him and ultimately the long-term affects of stepmom's emotional and verbal abuse that his GAL, the court, and I know are REAL. The burden should probably be on his dad and stepmother to prove they've changed, accept responsibility, etc. Why am I agonizing over this? Which they show no sign of doing.

You're agonizing over this because you're a good person who wants to do the right thing for your son. But, I hope you can give yourself permission to stop agonizing. Look at your options with clear eyes. They suck, but they are your options. You are doing so, so well. Really, truly, you have fought for your son and won in a big way, which seems to be rare in these parts. You are being a really, really good mom and doing your best (which is really good!) in an impossible situation. Good luck, I hope you stop feeling so burnt out soon and can keep being your awesome self.

P.S. I don't think it's crazy that you want to give your son chances to see his stepmom. I actually think long-term it might be good. Because my guess is that when he turns 18 his dad is going to be all "come spend tons of time with my wife, your mom has been keeping you from seeing her all these years, look how great she is" and then she will go right back to being abusive toward your son. You want him to know how to deal with that by the time he's grown. Plus, it's not a bad thing to be able to tell your son "look, I tried so hard to work with your dad and stepmom on contact and she simply wouldn't stop being abusive toward you so the court stepped in." You tried, you wanted it to work, it would've been so great if your son could see the stepmom he loves without her abusing or traumatizing him. You acted with his best interests in mind, doing something that could've had short and long term benefits for him. And SHE blew it, once again. Ultimately it sounds like it's clear that it will be better for your son for you to continue the NC. And now you KNOW that even small amounts of supervised visitation are not good for him. So don't beat yourself up for doing this, and DEFINITELY don't let the PDs try to convince you that since you agreed to it once you have to agree to it in the future.