Next on the list—buy their affection

[Stillirise]

In the separation and divorce from my stbxUPDh, Christmas provided the perfect opportunity to move to the next item on the PD checklist.  This one I knew was coming, but it certainly is something to watch unfold.  Stbx has "deep pockets," and has always been inclined to parent with them. 

This time, the gift-giving has continued into the new year, when he was finally able to procure a hot item that was out of stock...he doesn't usually plan or shop ahead.  He has now purchased every "wishful thinking" item on the kids' lists, and then some. 

Meanwhile, I dealt with his nastiness over paying our property taxes at the end of the year.  He said he didn't have the money—laughable.  He's also late on paying me his child support/insurance payment. He wants me to ask for it, or make some sort of production out of paying me.

Like I said, I knew it was coming, and I know children often realize when they are being bought.  I know I can't mention it to the stbx, and I have to do what I can on my end to foster empathy, responsibility, and  work ethic.  However, after everything, I still find the predictability of the patterns shocking at times.  It's like he's a walking cliche.

The next step in this pattern will be for him to use those expensive gifts to try and promote guilt and loyalty in the children.  "After everything I've done for you..." 

Deep breaths...I can steer them though.

Happy New Year, to you all!

[Whiteheron]

Stillrise - Oh, I am right there with you! In my case it's been happening since late August, and hasn't stopped.

It's so hard to teach the kids (mine are teens) financial responsibility when their dad is buying them anything and everything under the sun. I am trying so hard, but it's like I'm beating my head up against a brick wall. I feel like nothing is getting through - at least to DS17. My DS has now come to me with outlandish expectations of what I should purchase for him- designer clothes, designer watch, etc. The last time he approached me with his requests, I told him if he wants designer things, he'd need to get a job.

And yes - the guilt and expectations of loyalty are prominent in DS. So far, it hasn't worked on DD.
I don't know what to do about any of this, I'm being steady and stable, trying to not let it affect me. I hope it's something DS will come to realize isn't healthy. I'm trying to be optimistic for this coming year. 


Happy New Year to all! 

[Free2Bme]

Stillrise,

My updxh has deep pockets too, when it serves him.  He has used this repeatedly with our children over the years.  This is a weak connection at best, and kids see through being bought off pretty quickly, IME.  The relationship with pd dad is reduced to 'what can I get out of him".  My DD15 is unapologetic and admits she uses dad for the goodies.  Of course, I am concerned about what this does to her character. 

Conversely, I've also observed my kids becoming disgusted and resentful towards pd dad's 'gifts'.  They make comments like, "I don't want to accept xyz from dad because I don't want the strings/guilt trips that come with accepting this thing".   Updxh becomes resentful when he doesn't get sufficient worship/adulation from them. 

Funny thing, this year updxh told our children (22,21,18,15) that he was "canceling Christmas".     He didn't put up tree/deco and hasn't given any gifts. 

[Penny Lane]

Christmas is THE WORST (I know I sound like a total grinch).

Every year for two months before and after Christmas BM is "too broke" to pay for things like medicine, school lunches, health insurance and childcare for the kids, leaving the entire burden to DH. Sometimes she settles up with him in March, sometimes he has to get lawyers involved.

Typically she hypes up Christmas so much that the kids are excited and gushing over her. Then she buys them a bunch of expensive gifts that are either not age appropriate, don't suit their interests at all or are otherwise somewhat unusable. I suspect that she usually gets her boyfriend or dad to buy most of them.

This year, though, she bought the kids something that she and DH explicitly agreed that they're too young for, told him after the fact, and wants him to pay half. If he doesn't pay half, she's just not going to pay for half of things he paid for (like, you know, copays) until they're "evened up." She tried to force his hand by "offering" to send this expensive piece of equipment over here; he declined, which I think really surprised her. Maybe that'll eventually make us the bad guy, but oh well, there was a reason he said they're not old enough for it.

I bet she paid upwards of $1000 for the gifts she bought them, meanwhile it's like pulling teeth to get ANY reimbursement from her at all. "Deep pockets when it serves (her)" like Free2Bme says, is exactly what it is.

What really burns me up is when the kids talk about how much poorer mom is than dad. Which is NOT TRUE, she makes way more money than DH (and my guess is that between her and her boyfriend, they make close to double what DH and I make) and he agreed to waive child support. Meanwhile she tells them she can't afford necessities and extracurriculars because she's soooo poor. To the point where the kids want us to buy them expensive things to use exclusively at their mom's house, because she can't afford it.

I was really worried about alienation issues, as we bought the kids much more modest presents and a lot of them were STEM type stuff. But the kids didn't complain at all, didn't say anything about the disparity, and seemed to really enjoy their presents. She called one time and asked them about what they got. She tried to disparage/undermine the presents, but the kids were so excited that it didn't work, and she hasn't called since.

I try to remember that the kids do truly notice that we buy them things they want and need year-round. She spends a bunch of money one time and it's really more about quantity than quality. For the rest of the year she neglects their needs and wants in favor of buying herself things. It's so frustrating, but in the long run it doesn't work. I hope? I think.

Happy new year everyone, here's to a new year with less PD shenanigans.