Taking the high road works

[justducky]

Although I don't have a PD ex, I'm posting here to relay what I've observed with my husband, his kids, and his ex/their mother. Ex is either PD or heavily flea-infested. She came from a severely abusive family. My heart goes out to her for that, and she's made many good choices to prevent walking in her mother's footsteps.

That said, boy did she do a good job of blowing up her marriage with my husband once she'd found a suitable replacement for him. We know there was active, blatant parental alienation happening then from her and her sibling. Back then the kids were very young. My husband and his family did an amazing job of never speaking badly of her to the kids and maintaining strong boundaries. It's something I've admired about them since I met them.

Over the years I'd suspected the kids' mother was badmouthing my husband to the kids. They didn't say a word. On the handful of occasions I've asked careful, general questions about the atmosphere at their mother's house, they clammed up. So I stopped asking.

My husband taking the high road is paying off. It appears that his now 16-year-old daughter is more mature than her mother. She spoke to him and me recently out of frustration. While some of it is surely normal conflict between a teen and her mother, comments like "She acts like a child sometimes," "She's trying to drive a wedge between us [her and her siblings] and you," "She blames you for her problems," and "Her opinion is the only correct one" sound like someone trying to deal with a PD person.

To SD's credit, she didn't badmouth her mother or paint her black. She's frustrated and doesn't know what to do.

I let my husband do most of the talking. He also did not badmouth his ex, instead emphasizing that his daughter is questioning things and figuring out who she is, and that we're there for her. He commented a bit on some of the behaviors in a general way. I was impressed.

I wanted to share this with those of you who are co-parenting with a PD. As difficult as it is, taking the high road works at least some of the time.

[SeaBreeze]

Thank you for sharing! I experienced similar after leaving my first ex-uNPDh when my DD27 was, then, my DD3. In spite of issues with current uNPDh (2nd husband), he and I did our best to shelter DD and counteract exH's damaging treatment without ever saying a bad word about him around DD. I also weathered and ignored the major smear campaign ex and his entire PD family instigated against me, (paired with threats of taking DD from me) until they grew bored and moved on to new targets. We accommodated ex for DD's sake, leaving him to drop the ball repeatedly while we cleaned up after him and raised her along with my other kids. (Yes, in a PD household of my own, and trust me we are dealing with my own fallout... but at least a comparatively stable household without outside in-law's making it worse.)

By age 12, DD expressed frustration at ex-H's broken promises. At age 19, she said "Mom, I'm an adult now. I've heard their side of the story over the years. I'm ready to hear yours." She actually lives near ex and his family now (I have family there too) but she has nothing to do with ex or his family, citing drama, cult-like behavior, and PD as why she stays away from them. (All the reasons I left and got her the heck outta there when she was 3. Go figure?)

Meanwhile, 25 years later... ex-H is on his 5th marriage (I was his first wife). And various ex-in laws who subjected me to the major smear campaign have experienced: marital implosions, narcissistic collapses, public scandals, criminal prosecution. A few of the younger generation have escaped as soon as they could, but DD27 says the older ones are still clueless as to why. Though one cousin DD's age is shaping up to take exMIL's place as family drama queen, but much more publicly than exMIL who kept the dysfunction at home. I'm not gloating, just observing, and not surprised at all. These are the things I saw behind closed doors years ago that have since been exposed.

Time eventually comes out on the side of the truth.

[Penny Lane]

Thank you for the reminder! I always like to think, a passive or an aggressive response isn't going to set up the kids with the tools they need. Your husband took an assertive response and it sounds like he really knows what his daughter needs. Bravo to him and to you!

[Marianne]

I really admire your husband. I haven't succeeded in staying as calm and collected as he did, and I see my child is now hurt by both the other person and me. Which is horrible. I'm trying to do better and I hope it still helps my kid. I somehow need to shut down the hurt I feel when I see my kid being hurt and me being degraded in front of his eyes...and not respond to manipulations.