I am the rug sweeper

[MyLifeToo]

I've read many threads on these forums where the pd is the person accused wanting to sweep everything under the carpet and go back to the old dance. This worries me because it is me who takes this role in the relationship with my unpdm and she gaslights me enough that I wonder if I have the pd.

She is elderly, living alone, and I believe she needs some support from me. I am happy to give practical help if I can, but as I'm coming Out of the FOG, (or actually aware that there is FOG), I  notice the continual cycles of abuse, and they are becoming more and more frequent as she ages. That seems to go with the narcissistic territory.

I am gradually learning to set boundaries, which she notices, and accuses me of being selfish etc. I forget, and JADE, then the rows begin, escalate to the point where I've had enough, and I am now able to walk away and leave her to get on with it. A year or two ago I would have fawned and begged forgiveness. The silent treat ensues!

Usually she will phone me after a few days or weeks with a problem that I sort out for her. No mention is made of the argument at first. She becomes "nice mom" again. Of course, this never lasts, she becomes covertly abusive, and eventually she wants to have a "talk" to find out why I've changed and become this horrible, wicked stranger of a daughter ... blah blah blah. 

I've been down this route so many times now, trying to discuss things in an adult way, but she will never take any responsibility for anything, ever! So this is where the rug sweeping begins. I say we can have a (superficial) relationship, but to do so we need to forget about the past and everything that's gone on between us. I am prepared to do this because I think it's the only way forward apart from NC. I honestly don't think I will ever be able to do that, even though I enjoy the days or weeks of silent treatment where I get to recharge my batteries. But she just won't let things drop, says we have to talk it out and resolve it, because that's the healthy thing to do. And round and round we go....

How can we talk it out when she refuses to hear me? It's not just me, she's the same with everyone she falls out with, which is everyone in her life, and it's NEVER HER FAULT. I really don't want to completely abandon her, so is there anything else can I do? Is it wrong of me to keep sweeping it under the carpet?

[Psuedonym]

MyLifeToo,

I see what you're saying, but I don't think that's what you're doing at all. Your motivation is different. In your case, you're saying 'let's move forward because reshashing the same circular conversation over and over is about as productive as banging your head against the wall repeatedly'. When a PD is doing it, they're behaving horribly and then denying anything ever happened. Or it's the enabling parent going along with the pretending that nothing ever happened.

You already know the answer to the question of 'how you can talk it out'. You can't. Because when your mother says: we have to talk it out and resolve it, because that's the healthy thing to do what she means is 'I am right and I demand that you agree with me'. Good for you for no longer playing along.

A couple of months ago I would have said that I couldn't imagine going NC either, but now here I am...haven't talked to her since the beginning of December and have no intention of doing so anytime soon. Things just got pushed to the point where my mental and physical health began to fail. I thought I could continue on just ignoring it and pretending that things weren't as dysfunctional as they were, but stuffing all that truth down takes a real toll on you. I only tell you that as a reminder to take good care of yourself. I know that's probably not a reminder you've heard a lot from you FOO.