Can you help me deal with this?

[Dinah-sore]

Okay, so several months ago I went through a major life event. I didn't want to post about it on the forums at the time to maintain my anonymity. I thought that if anyone from my real life is here, they would know this is me, just from the timing of my post.

My closest friend in the world, of 25 years died several months ago from a terminal illness. We know she had a terminal disease, but there were still treatment options available to her so we did not expect her to die anytime soon. Her passing was unexpected. She was fine one day, the next she was in a coma. Then within a week she was dead. She did not know she was dying. I visited her in the hospital that week and read to her and sang to her, and decorated the walls of her room for her. I was able to say goodbye. The nurse on duty said that she could probably hear me, and that my voice probably comforted her.

I am still grieving.

Two days after she died my mom complained to me, "I am upset that you are so upset about this." Then she asked, in a tone of frustration, "Do you wish I had died instead of her?" To which I said, "Mom, don't talk to me like that." she was literally asking who I loved more. It made me angry that she was upset that I cared about my friend. It wasn't like I was losing my mind, but I was sad. I cried. I wanted to be alone. She didn't want to give me time to grieve. She complained to my dad that she was jealous that I was close to my friend.

Then at the funeral, a lot of people came. My friend was very successful and had many friends from work, and church and even the hospital. Her husband asked me to share at the funeral, along with her brother and sister and her mom. So I did. I don't know how I found the strength, but I stood in a pulpit, in front of several hundred people, and without crying I shared about what a wonderful woman she was. I shared anecdotes that made people laugh in memory of the good times, and smile at the inspirational woman she was. Her children thanked me and told me that what I shared was the best part of the day, it made them think about the good times. I had many people come up to me, offering condolences, and hugs, and telling me that I did a wonderful job, and how they don't know how I had the strength to do that without losing it.

But when I went to go talk to my mom, after the service she ignored me. She refused to make eye contact with me. She did not hug me or rub my arm or say one nice thing to me. In fact, she looked infuriated at me. To the point where I even asked her, "Mom, are you mad at me?" She took off early, and the whole day I was feeling upset, "My mom is mad at me. What did I do wrong?" On the way to the burial, "My mom is mad at me." On my way to the families house after the burial, "My mom is mad at me, why?" As if the day wasn't excruciating enough, I had to worry that my mom was mad at me, and wonder why.

The next day my dad told me that my mom was mad at me. He said that, she said, "the funeral isn't about Dinah, it is about her friend and her friends family." Apparently, she was upset because several people shared posts of pictures of me speaking on my friends social media page, saying that I did an amazing tribute to my friend. They tagged my mom and said that she should be proud of having an amazing daughter. Instead of responding to their compliment of me, my mom ignored me and said, "It was a nice service." very general, withholding any kindness towards me.

My BPDm thinks that I was getting too much positive attention. She told my dad that my speech was "showing off" or something like that. She was also mad because my DH didn't come over to say hi to her when she first got there, because he was carrying a huge tub of salsa trying not to spill it on his suit. Though he did smile and yell "hi guys." There were a few other smaller things that irritated her, like people who were there that my mom doesn't like (people who were nice to me). Literally, my mom was upset that other people were nice to me.

My oldest child lost it during the funeral and cried so hard. Afterwards she ran to my mom wanting a hug. My mom saw her and walked right past her to give a hug to someone my mom used to work with ten years ago, a total acquaintance whom she wanted to gossip with. Totally ignoring my DD, so my dad held my DD. Then afterwards my mom snapped at my DD for not giving her a hug sooner.

So I ignored BPDm for several days, then about 4 days later she texted me "Do you miss me?" with a winky emoji. It made me mad, after treating me like that she is going to act like nothing, like I should say, "Yes I miss you." When I feel like saying, "I actually miss someone else, my friend that just died. That is who I miss today." So I didn't text her back. Then she called the next day, and asked, "Did you get my text." I said yes. Then she started crying and saying how much it hurt her that I did not respond. Acting like I am the one who is mean to her.

I didn't know up to that moment what I was going to do or if I should talk to her about the funeral. But when she started to act like I am the one who hurt her, I said in the nicest calmest voice that I didn't answer the text because it felt weird, after how she acted at the funeral. I told her what she did, how she acted towards me, and how it hurt me. Then she EXPLODED on me in crying rage, and flipped out. She told me that it never happened, she said that she hugged me. I said no she didn't. She said that she was there supporting me and the only thing she cared about that day was taking care of me. I calmly spoke the facts. She said that "in her heart" she was taking care of me. I said, "I didn't say anything about what you were feeling or thinking, I only pointed out that your actions hurt me." She said that I have to believe her. I said that I disagreed with her. Then she screamed at me that I am not allowed to not believe her, because she "IS TELLING ME WHAT I HAVE TO BELIEVE." I started to get angry to the point where I wanted to yell, so I said, "Mom, I need to get off the phone now, because I don't want to say anything I will regret. I will call you later."

So then she called me 4-5 times within twenty minutes, frantic. I had private messaged a couple members from this group to help me through that day, and they were so helpful.

But now, all these months later, I am still not over this incident. She apologized that she hurt me, but qualified it by saying, "but I was there supporting you in my heart." It is a lie, but she probably believes it. However, I feel her acting needy. I know she thinks that now that my friend is dead, that I should make her my BFF again. And I am not doing it, she keeps saying I am acting weird.

Even yesterday she said all timidly, "Dinah, can I ask you a question without you getting angry at me?" It was a dumb question. But I resented her acting like she has to walk on eggshells with me. I said, "Mom, you can always ask a question, but don't act like I get angry and snap at you." She said, "Well, I just know that sometimes I irritate you." I said, "Your questions don't irritate me, but I do get irritated when you imply that I snap at you. I don't. I am seriously the nicest most patient person I know. I do get irritated, but it is because you act like you have to walk on eggshells around me, and that upsets me. Because it isn't true."

So all of this she is still manipulating me, she is also acting like she thinks I have mental problems. It is all subtle comments, but it is getting to the point where I don't feel okay about it. I don't have any mental problems that don't stem from what she has done to me. The anxiety, the guilt, the confusion, the freeze response--all from her.

I feel like I need to talk about what happened though. Because I am not over it. Even though private messages got me through the incident at the time. I am still upset. I can't pretend to be close or okay with her. What kind of a mom does that to their kid on a day of grief? I thought about that? What would have to be in my heart for me to act that way to one of my children if they lost a loved one, the day of the funeral. It would be close to hatred. right? It feels like hate, but she calls it love.

She purposely, to this day, has withheld any compliment to me regarding my speech at the funeral. And I don't need her to blow smoke up my rear. But my DH told me that it wasn't just good, it was amazing. He said I knocked it out of the park. So if he thinks it was that good, and he isn't a kiss butt at all to me, why can't she even say, "That was sweet of you babe. That must have been so hard." and give me a hug? Even if she thought I sucked, can't she comfort me? Why is my pain about her. I feel like it goes against human nature, to not comfort and love someone who is grieving. To not comfort your child. It feels like it is impossible to stop myself from comforting others, and loving them and saying nice things to them. How can she not be nice to me. Basic kindnesss?

Oh, and my mom calls herself an empath.
She calls herself an empath all the time.
In almost every conversation.

[Psuedonym]

Hi Dinah-sore,

I know I say cognitive dissonance all the time, but: cognitive dissonance. Your mom has told you all her life that she's an empathetic person. She is not. You know in your heart that she is not. You can't hold two opposing beliefs in your mind at the same time; one of them has to give. I think part of you believes that if you just explain it the right way or find the right words, she'll get it. She won't. Ever.

I can tell you exactly why she was so awful at the funeral and refuses to acknowledge your speech: she's jealous. She's jealous of the genuine relationship you had with your beloved friend. Mine does the same thing. She was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad. 

I know it's not easy, but you have to let go of the idea that your mother is ever going to act with genuine compassion towards you. It's just not in her psychology, and every time you plead with her to show you some human decency you're setting yourself up for having to deal with then ensuing meltdown. She's incapable of facing her own actions so she lives in her own reality.

I'm sure your speech was amazing and I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your dear friend. You have such strength to get up in front of everyone at her service and share what she meant to you. I'm sure many people took comfort from your words.

Now about your mom, I can't even type what I'd like to about her. She's not a mom, she's awful, mean, and conniving. There is NO EXCUSE for the way she behaved. That is not normal behavior. Please, please be done with her Dinah-sore. Yell, get furious, block her, ignore her. She doesn't deserve you. She doesn't deserve to contact you or your children. I'm so very sorry. 

Empathetic??? She should look up the meaning of the word.

[RavenLady]

Dinah-sore, everything Pseudonym and SunnyMeadow just said.

I want to draw your attention to this sentence you wrote: "As if the day wasn't excruciating enough, I had to worry that my mom was mad at me, and wonder why."

I want to gently challenge you on this. I'm writing to myself here, too, because I struggle with this CONSTANTLY. It is just so hard to wrap our heads around the narratives our PD parents seem to need for themselves. But the truth is, you DON'T "have to" worry about why your mother is mad at you. You actually don't. Because 1) it's pretty obvious: see Pseudonym's post, and 2) even if it weren't obvious, you DON'T have to try to mind-read your M. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. Nothing. You paid tribute to a friend who you loved and whose passing mattered to you. You were yourself: loving, brave, insightful, and apparently an excellent public speaker too! You were being you in an authentic way. Your M couldn't handle that. Why? Who the f*c% cares. Her stuff, not yours.

Phew! Hard for me too.

HUGS.

[overitall]

Hi Dinah,
I don't post on here often, but I wanted to reply to you....my uBPDm systematically ruined each and every important event in my life...she, too, was jealous of just about everything I did...

My uBPDm is very, very disordered....she can appear to be friendly and empathic to strangers, but to those her know her, well, it's a completely different story...it started in my childhood and never stopped....I was widely social (still am) and she resented that I had a large group of friends...she would make comments about each of my friends and would try to ruin my relationships---would talk about the other parents and how awful they were, etc.

When I wanted to go to college, she told me I couldn't because she refused to help pay...when I worked three jobs throughout my last two years of high school (to save for college) she was furious...I left home at 17 for college...that ONE decision was probably the best thing I ever did...getting away from my FOO allowed me to actually recognize how dysfunctional my situation with my family was....I was a psychology major and began to study many of the issues that occurred in my FOO....my uBPDm was FURIOUS....she would comment that I thought I was better than her....thought I was smarter than her, etc., etc.  If I was around my Mom at all, she used it as an opportunity to pick at me.

When I first married at a young age and had my first child, I hoped/thought she would improve....Sadly, it became worse....She is extremely jealous of my first child, and to this day, she talks about him constantly behind his back...He ignores it and doesn't really care...I sheltered him a lot from her and he really doesn't seem to care what she thinks...good for him.

I allowed my uBPDm and uNPDf access to my life and my kids for several years...when they started making comments to my kids and trying to smear me to my own kids....well, that was pretty much the beginning of the end....I have been NC with them for over about eight years...I occasionally have to see them at events, but I simply say "Hi" and keep on walking...I won't talk to them...I won't engage them...I won't allow them any access to my life....they have never been to my home...they don't know where I work....

I lost almost all relationships with my FOO because my uBPDM claims she has "no idea" why I "cut them off."  She knows, but she literally cannot stop herself...she acts like a three year-old when she does not get her way....My uNPDf put up with her and he is now stuck at home with her....no friends, no job (retired) and life is a very, very negative experience.

After going NC, I had some anxiety about it....it took some time, but at some point I realized that I am an ADULT and there is not one thing she can do to me....not ONE thing....she does not have any power in my life anymore...I reclaimed my power and she cannot hurt me anymore....It takes time, but honestly, I rarely even think about my parents....I know they are old and alone, but they worked very hard to put themselves into this position.....Over the past several years, I have discovered that there ARE other people who have had the same experience with their FOO....it is difficult to go NC, but when someone actually gets to that point, they usually are at their wits end.

I hope you are able to detach and step back and regain your power...it's a big choice, but you have to think about yourself first....Everyone on this forum understands.