Menopause and literally no F's left to give...

[SunnyMeadow]

Tears are just streaming down my face because I feel so sad for MYSELF. 

Imagine that. 
Permitting the truth rather than the bullshit.

Fuck.

Maybe you're feeling what you weren't allowed to feel as a kid with a PD parent. I still have trouble feeling my feelings and I'm in my mid 50's. I stuff everything into a little box of "I'm fine". Compose myself and smile through everything. Such a bullshit way to grow up.

I'm letting my feelings out now and saying what I mean. Sounds like what you're doing. Don't pretend anymore, you don't have to. You sound like a kick-ass woman. I think your anger at pretending is propelling you into change.

My anger pushed me the hell away from my mom's usual sniveling, waif, queen crap. She's pathetic and it's about time I see what everyone else has seen for years now.

You get to do what you want to do during the holidays. Even telling everyone you're sick and must bow out of the usual and customary plans. I announced that I'm doing the holidays in a whole new way and it's such a breath of fresh air.

alphaomega 

[alphaomega]

I cant begin to express how deeply grateful I am for all the reaching out.  It is keeping literally my head above water.

So here we go.  CHRISTMASS (emphasis on *ASS) 

NPDM phones last night to ask me what I was bringing to my in-laws (I dont have any family of origin because she took care of that decades ago )

Wanted to know if I was bring the adult kids gifts.

Of fucking course I am - its fucking Christmas - so we have to give "gifts" for some stupid reason I'm still not entirely sure why.
Funny aside I just remembered - last xmas I received the "Gift WIth Purchase" ROBE that comes when you buy perfume.   
NOT THE PERFUME - but the FREE GIFT WITH PURCHASE.

HAHAHAHAH LOLOLO  YOU SHOULDNT HAVE !!!



Anywho -  I told her YES, they are my god children, I, will be giving them tokens of my love and affection 

She says - WELL THEM IM NOT GOING !!!!

Well I wasnt about to unring the freedom bell, so I said - SUIT YOURSELF, YOU MISERABLE BAG OF BONES < that part was said under my breath...
Evidentally she feels like she should NOT have to give them gifts because they are MY inlaws. 

What the Fuck EVER

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

I actually got through my workout today without weeping - so that was an accomplishment.

I'm forcing myself to go hard on the elyptical (to AC/DC  and Metalica of course - helps with the rage)

At least I'm spared of her today.  Thanks Goddess for small favors...

Maybe the patch is starting to work.

Thanks for the love guys.
It means more than I am capable of expressing right now...

[alphaomega]

Hey fellow Warriors

We are almost through the constant reminder of our childhood misery !!

Just a few more hours of this nonsense and we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

[moglow]

Girl! Mommie dearest has been sending frighteningly and increasingly chirpy texts since yesterday afternoon, I know the meltdown can't be far behind. SO glad I'm not and wont be  there to witness!

I stayed home with my puddytats and a big pot of stew - just had a bubble bath and into clean jammies in the middle of the day. Best decision ever and I highly recommend it!!

BREATHE!!! And have yourself a peaceful day.

[JustKat]

I stayed home with my puddytats and a big pot of stew

As did I (the puddytats, anyway). And it was better than ANY of the 50 Christmas holidays I had to spend with the PDs. 

[doglady]

(Damn, just accidentally deleted a very long and probably overly detailed post)

Suffice to say, your post is awesome. And I feel for you. I've been there with the menopause and the rage (still am really but there's plenty to rage about  ) and the very dark thoughts. It's like being put through a furnace. You will come out the other side. I feel optimistic about this.

All in all, you sound amazing (and yeah, Xmas does totally suck. And families can be raging arseholes en masse). My thoughts are with you. Keep on rocking and Rise Today (Alter Bridge). Seriously, this band have helped me a lot. 
You will prevail.

[alphaomega]

Peace out Boy Scouts.

We made it.

2020.

We got. This .

[alphaomega]

*WE* are not obligated to cater to people who refuse to take responsibility for their INNER lives.

Their OUTER lives.

THEIR lives.

*WE* are not their dumping grounds.
*WE* are not their projection screen.
*WE* are not their emotional housekeeper.
*WE* are not their mothers.
*WE* are not their counselor or healer.
*WE* are not their plaything or doll.
*WE* are not their whore or their Goddess.

You are the authority of your own energy.

So are they.

SO. ARE. THEY.

*YOU* are the expert on what is right and best for you.

And *YOU* and only *Y>O>U>* gets to decide who has access to YOU.

XO AO

[alphaomega]

Yesterday I received a phone call from NPDM at work in this syrupy tone of "How are you you little sweet young thing?!?!"

I was like WT actual F do we have going on here now...

She manages to verbally nail my daughter in her process of "complimenting" me.  About how I do so much, and SHE doesnt do anything for anybody (aka HER).

Apparently she felt justified in this character assault as she passed out Xmas checks to all of us on the Eve of Xmas.
Mind you, my husband and I I received the exact same amount as my daughters boyfriend (a lovely guy who I adore, but COME ON)

My husband and I bend over backwards for this broad, tending to her needs, hell, DH has sat with her in the ER while she proceeded to embarass him the the extent her bought the entire ER staff deep dish pizza as a token of his appreciation !!!! 


Anywho, I have given this all some thought and read right through her BS.

She thinks her measly checks gives her carte blanche now to say what she REALLY
feels about all of us.

Well I got a major newsflash for her, shes is NOT PERMITTED to say crap about my kid.  My D doesnt give her any supply and that infuriates her to no end.

And I no longer force the issue.  I used to have to beg D to "just be nice, it your grandma, please don't make this worse on me" 
But not anymore.

MY mother verbally nailed her at Xmas dinner IN FRONT OF HER BOYFRIEND, literally talking about her - to him- infront of her.

"Why doesn't she like to wear jewelry ?!?!?!(while not at all subtly flashing her diamonds in his face)
"Why doesnt she like to wear glam makeup like her mom ??? She is pretty but could be even moreso with some makeup !!!"

The poor kid was like, ummm, I think she is beautiful just the way she is....

Golly, I can NOT imagine why my D doesnt like her...

Savvy savvy Narcissist.... Covert and haughty and waify all in one little moment.

Then of course she gave me the laundry list of everything she needed me to order her from Amazon....

Good God.