Turns out uNPD Dad not an outlier in messed-up family

[jenlem]

Hey, I just need to offload where someone will understand.

I'm VLC with uNPD father. Recently he's taken to sending me long stream-of-consciousness emails about his dreams, his early life, why he's so f****d up basically.

Just had another one, on the subject of his estranged brother's death and clearing his belongings. I'm not going into detail, but I've got ALL the details.

Oh boy, the depth of dysfunctionality in this family is even worse than I thought. And what gets me is that my father can describe and comment on his brother's dysfunctionality without the merest shred of self-awareness.

Undoubtedly at the root of this are two very unhappy, deprived childhoods. I'm marvelling at the way I've managed to do pretty well at life after all, despite feeling the deep effects of a NPD parent on my self-esteem. But I'm angry about this effect, which still impacts me, and I can't quite put that aside, at least not at the moment.

Reading this message has weighed me down with such a burden. It strikes me that I didn't need all that detail - it's just another way for him to control me, isn't it? I'm sure all this is very hard for him; he has a surplus of emotion. He's offloading it and trying to get me to take it on. It's all very sad, but actually it's not my sadness to bear.

I'm going to have to reply to this latest message somehow, and I have committed to going to the funeral, because I thought it was the right thing to do. (Yeah, I know!  ) Armour on! 

As if there wasn't enough to handle in the world right now...

[nanotech]

Oh dear. Yes this isn't your stuff to 'bear'. It's his.
Is it possible for you to visualise all of that stuff going into a backpack . In your mind's eye, see yourself taking that backpack to a train station.
Put it on a train, but don't get on yourself. Watch the train move off and away into the distance, never to be seen again.

Texts and messages don't have to be answered. They don't even have to be viewed. I just think it's awful that you are getting all of that detail.
My Unpdsis used to offload like this. She used me as a marriage guidance counsellor for years. I would have to drop everything and attend only to her failing marriage.

How about telling him how you are not a therapist and you don't know what to tell him, that you just get muddled with all the detail, and that you think him getting therapy would be a good plan? Therapists are trained for this. Keep repeating that you are not a therapist.
Don't become his therapist. I think that's what he's hoping for.
Not your circus. Not your monkeys. Detach.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think it is insightful of you to hear of the dysfunction in your father's family and conclude that perhaaps at the root of it now is an unhappy childhood. Maybe there are wounds that were never acknowledged, never tended to, and never had a chance at healing.  Speaking of acknowledgement, I think it is good that you can identify your own feelings of anger. Even if you do not know what to do with it, just realizing what it is and having ability to tie it to some hurtful behaviors I think is a healthy step.

The feeling you describe of being weighed down with a burden after you read your dad's message is something I also feel.  It makes me wonder if it is a conditioned response of wanting to fix things for your parent. Perhaps doing so earned a place of approval, or if you are like me you felt this was the best way to prove yourself worthy. I also wonder if this a bit like the parent parentifying their child by coming to you with their problems. I think you clearly identified that this is "his stuff" - not yours. You do not have to take this on or respond with anything more than a quick "wow, that's a lot of stuff" and let it go at that.