Quarantine Revelations about NC and the concept of Family

[BettyGray]

Hi all,

Perhaps this might be a topic for another section of the forum, but here goes.
Coming up on my 5 year anniversary of NC (woohoo!) from my entire family. I have gotten to a good place after much struggle. I rarely thought of them until Covid-19 reared its ugly head. Over the last 6 months, I have thought of them more than I would like to, but never any guilt or thought of breaking NC.

But being in lockdown has been very hard for me without a family. My current situation has left me feeling increasingly isolated for much of the year. Last June, DH and I shifted our brick and mortar small business online. For 13 years, I saw almost too many people per day. It wasn't always healthy for me and I found it hard to concentrate on my work with people popping in. I rarely got much solitude and quiet, and when I did it was precious. I craved more of it. At first, working from home again was a dream come true. All the time I hadn't had to myself was like a long awaited ice cream sundae after a decade of no ice cream at all. And it was quiet. No drama, just quiet. A sigh of relief.

In January, my FIL was diagnosed with lung cancer with a very poor prognosis. We did not expect him to live more than a month or so. DH has done the bulk of the care taking, and almost 10 months later, FIL is still with us (after months of radiation and chemo). FIL has gotten better and DH has gotten worse. There is no end in sight, as FIL was never expected to make it this long.

In February, about a month before quarantine, we lost our beloved 18 year old cat to heart failure. We have no children. She was our child. Then Covid-19 arrived. While I haven't gotten sick, and no-one in my FOC has either, DH has been in and out of hospitals/Dr. offices, so more worry.

I have been alone for most of the lockdown.  DH is gone most of the time carting FIL to Dr. appointments, chemo treatments, running errands for him. When he is here, he is so broken, tired, cranky, emotionally exhausted, physically drained. I have been supportive and caring, very aware that I have little to complain about. I knew I needed to be extra patient & compassionate for DH & his dad.

In "before times," we would also visit DH's elderly MIL and his brother's family who live not too far away - often for dinner or an afternoon. So I regularly saw lots of people at work and spent time with his family on weekends. That was plenty of social contact for me. Because of obvious reasons, I do not have any close friends. But I am ok with that, and felt I had a family with my in-laws, niece and nephew. I didn't feel anything really lacking.

The death of my cat in the midst of all of the other awful things going on hit me like a ton of bricks. For the most part, I had to mourn her loss alone. DH and I didn't really get to mourn it together as he was consumed by care taking. Then, as the months went on, I watched DH's spirit diminish to the point of almost no return. He had no emotional energy left for me and I felt I was basically alone even when we were together. FIL didn't really want anyone around except his sons, so I wasn't really able to help relieve DH's burden or get out of the house and see other humans save passing people on the street to say hi.

In May, my 15 year old, dear niece was diagnosed with Crohn's disease (BIL's daughter). Between homeschooling, job pay cuts for SIL and BIL, working from home, quarantine stress, and FIL situation, I knew BIL & his family had their hands full. They've kind of isolated themselves. MIL and I have never been really close, but as much as she drives me nuts, I still love her and consider her family.

Months dragged on. What was once welcome solitude turned into troubling isolation and despair. I am used to feeling alone - I have my entire life. But within the last year, I changed my work dynamic and left a pretty public existence for working from home (9 months BEFORE quarantine), lost my furry companion, all the other things we have all lost because of the pandemic, and now I feel like I have lost  my FOC, too.

Then one day it hit  me. Not a one of them (FOC) has reached out to me during all of this. I realize there are bigger concerns and everyone is carrying their own load right now. Times are tough. But the revelation was something that I had feared - if anything ever happened to DH, I would pretty much be on my own. For real on my own. A few years ago, DH was really ill. It was an awful time. I was still speaking to my FOO, but of course, they were no solace. I think they even secretly rooted for him to not get well. As for FOC, MIL & FIL have a tendency to get angry when things are out of their control, rather than empathetic & supportive. Not surprising that DH has always been the parent and his emotionally immature mom and dad are the children.

MIL came around, but she actually had to TELL SIL & BIL to reach out to me, telling them "she has no-one else, and she can't go through this alone." After that, they were helpful and supportive. But once DH was better, things kind of went back to normal. During that time, I had had to lean on SIL a lot, and thought that would bring us closer. But still, I found myself being the one to reach out to her more often than not. It wasn't a real relationship like I had hoped.

So after all these months, I decided I would stop reaching out to them and see what happened. Crickets. Not. A. Word. No texts, no calls, no mail, no email. Nothing. Like I don't even exist.

I'm just DH's wife. Then I realized that when I was in the darkest of dark places, after NC, none of them really asked how I was, offered kind words, lent me a shoulder to cry on. Not that I broadcast it to everyone. But at least MIL knew what was happening. Even if it made her uncomfortable to bring up, where was the concern for me? Even when I spent time with them, if anyone asked a thing about me, the questions were never about ME, they were superficial questions and they really didn't care what the answer was. Half the time I would start talking and something else would get their attention...and the conversation never picked back up. Like I wasn't even there.

Quarantine has been not only isolating, it has opened my eyes about my FOC. They're good people, but still self-involved. I realize that I'm really not that important to any of them. Now of course, they would say otherwise, and I know they love me. But if DH were not in our lives, I would probably never see them again. Or, they would be there at first, and then fade away.

This has devastated me. My own tiny family (DH and dear feline) has disintegrated. And FOC - I felt like I was a part of a family, and I am, to some degree. But I don't really MATTER to them. I have come to realize that just like FOO, I was the one putting forth the effort. Over and over, I was the one contacting them.

I know I matter to DH, but he has his limits as do we all, on how much he can give right now. In a way, it's like losing a family all over again. My feelings of insignificance within each family unit have been unearthed. Its been painful and it really sucks.

Honestly, at this point, I feel like the wonderful folks on this forum are my only family. Unfortunately, though, it's all virtual. Which is its own type of isolation. But I'm very grateful for this safe haven. I am looking into getting another cat, but we agreed we would take FIL's cat after he passes away. For the sake of the kitty, who is a senior, we figured we would not introduce a second cat. But FIL is still alive and kicking. Who knows how long it will be. I feel a physical longing for the unconditional love of a pet. And I can't even really solve that problem right now. Everything hangs in the balance.

One positive thing that has come out of all of this - over the course of lockdown, I began a deep genealogy dive. It made me realize that family extends beyond the living. I may have gotten stuck with a bad lot, but over hundreds of years there have been others who came before me and who are a part of me. It's also been informative - learning about their lives and losses. I've even managed to find a lot of information on their lives. They were prominent land owners in the American colonies and in England (I never knew this), and their histories are documented through maps, portraits, and letters. The research has expanded my concept of family and its helped a little bit to feel connected to SOMETHING.

Thanks for letting me vent. I know this has been a difficult time for everyone. IT's changing all of us in ways we never anticipated. But one thing is for sure. If I had a family that actually wanted to know me, check on my well-being, reach out in any way - this would have all been easier.

[illogical]

Hi Liz1018,

I was very moved by your story, your honesty.   

Here's the thing.  Your life is YOUR LIFE.  I think you are letting some of your FOC take away your power.  You want a kitty, get a kitty!  Yes!  I wouldn't commit to taking in your FIL's cat "after he passes".  As you say, who knows when that will be?

Go get a kitty!   

Regarding your DH, you are in a very difficult situation here.  I think you are doing tremendously well, but would suggest you concentrate more on YOU, rather than your inlaws.  That's why I suggest you go get a kitty. 

I feel the pain in your post.  I do think you have a good insight into your FOC's dynamic and, frankly, it's better you know now that you mean so little to them than to waste more of your time on them.  Personally, the COVID has forced me to realize that life is so very short.  Don't need to waste time on those who don't care about you.   

I think you are a very together person with much compassion.  You just need to pull back more now from your FOC and focus more on YOU.  You deserve it.  It's your life, and only you can live it.  Go adopt that kitty!!!  Please take care!   

[Psuedonym]

I second illogical. You need a kitten! He or she will be company to the senior kitty if and when you inherit him. 

[BettyGray]

Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I know it's a long post! 

I am looking for a  new furry companion-  I know it will help a great deal. The rest of it.... I will just need to take it one day at a time.

[Psuedonym]

Hooray! I know you will find an awesome new pet who will bring you great joy.

[BlakeParsons]

quarantine has actually affected all fields of life

[Stardust1982]

So sorry to hear these, Liz. I know the feeling of losing a pet, so like others advised, why not getting a new kitty?

And about FOC, I don't have one but, if I found people who'd I consider my FOC, I'd be happy, yes but.. if our relationship would turn sour in time (many reasons, this happens so often with healthy people), I'd not try to force it and instead move on. Perhaps, I'd try opening myself up to new people. There are lonely and kind people everywhere. Not sure this is a good thing though. You know what I mean.

take care!

[M0009803]

Third getting a kitten.

You should not put your mental health on hold just because you promised to wait for your FILs senior cat.

I also WFH (did so pre-Pandemic as well) and it makes a big difference (specially when you are also dealing with NC).

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm glad you shared, Liz. You show a LOT of insight into yourself, DH, and your in-laws. It's sad that they don't value you for yourself. It's clear you're worth getting to know and it's their loss, though it appears they aren't capable of recognizing that. I think it indicates a general not valuing of people and it's not personal. In my own life, if someone close to me has a relationship that's clearly important to them, I try to get to know that person, if only out of care for the person I knew already, if that makes sense. Many relationships I value were once a friend of a friend. I think that's normal, and you being merely "DH's wife" shows a rigidity/functionality approach to people. If your IL's had a healthy relationship with DH, someone he loves would be worth knowing by default.

I also vote for getting a cat!

My life has also been home-based and NC (3 years woot woot!) since before the pandemic, and having outdoor interests is what's been keeping me sane then and now. It's not good to look at the same four walls or a screen all day every day. I like to hike in state parks and such on the weekends, but even just walking in my neighborhood and saying hi to some neighbors, even if it's a superficial conversation, goes a long way in getting me out of my own head.

[BettyGray]

Thanks, Cordelia. I sometimes feel like I hold a PhD in emotional intelligence and that most people I meet are incredibly restricted in their knowledge or insight into other's feelings. We often believe others think the way we do, or that things that some easily to us should be the same for them.

I can usually figure people out pretty quickly after meeting them and spending time observing their behavior. People very readily give up a lot of information about themselves without saying a word.  Observing them in group dynamics is even more fascinating. Once you get a sense of what motivates them, what  behavioral patterns they repeat, what and how they react to information, respond to crisis, speak/listen to others, you can then understand their behavior.
But highly emotionally intelligent people are really rare in my opinion. I try not to fault most people for not having this quality, but sometimes it seems like common courtesy to just genuinely take a moment to ask "how are you?" And actually listen to the answer. Especially when they're family.

Either way - still looking around for a kitten. I know the perfect one will find me - probably when I stop looking.

[Mary]

Perhaps a church family would be helpful to lean on. I tend to find one or two people in a church setting that I can lean on and be there for them too.

[Jolie40]

Liz

losing a pet is so tough!


we lost our dog earlier this year and I'm still sad
it happened suddenly & was so unexpected

our furry friends are always in our hearts
hope you find another kitty to keep you company!

[orb]

liz, i hope you have found a new cat or two to share your life with.
i've had swarms of cats since i was 30 and i'll never be without one again.
they are amazing, beautiful, intelligent creatures and we are privileged to spend time with them.

it is not fair that you have to put your life on hold while FIL may or may not die for years. it is not fair and it is entirely unreasonable of anyone to expect you to not have a cat because you "might" be getting a cat if somebody maybe dies! ridiculous!

i am almost 5 years NC with my entire family (neatly divided into abusers and victims), and my husband's family is run by a toxic uNPDm and her weak, pathetic enabler husband. i have nothing to do with them, after politely putting up with insane amounts of toxic abuse and manipulation for 25 years.
i honestly do not care if i never see or hear from any of them ever again.
i would rather be alone with a bunch of cats forever than expose myself to a single minute more of that NPD toxicity and abuse.