Introducing Myself

[bat123]

   I have been lurking here for a few years, and finally built up the courage to post.  I have been on a long journey in my marriage, and I am now at a crossroads.  I have been married for over 20 years to a man that I feel has traits of PPD or NPD, although there is no diagnosis.  We have children - two are in college and one still in middle school.  The main theme to the marriage has been that I am deeply flawed (I'm characterized as being a liar, being deceitful, having no common sense, being a racist, being weak, having poor judgment - you name it).  The cycle has been ongoing for years.  It starts because I have done something to offend him, then he either has an angry outburst at me, or he gives me the silent treatment for awhile, followed by an angry outburst.  If I play my cards right, and say the right things, I can usually diffuse the situation, and move it toward a resolution.  But it's hard work, and I often walk on eggshells.  And sometimes I don't do a good enough job diffusing it, and it gets ugly.  There are sometimes bouts of verbal abuse, or threats, or accusations, or endless rounds of interrogations, or sometimes a push or a shove.  Basically, when he is angry, he feels entitled to act any damn way he wants toward me.  And his anger can come out of nowhere.  Why don't I leave?  Well, he's not always like this.  Sometimes he's thoughtful, and funny, and charming, and sexy.  He's outgoing, friendly, good looking, and self-assured.  Everyone loves him.  When he's being good to me, it's easy to love him.  But I walk on eggshells, always.
    Now, over 20 years into it, I've gotten stronger.  I've begun to call him out.  I tell him when he's abusive.  And things have escalated.  The drama and the escalations are more frequent, and more damaging.  Six months ago, he put a recording device in my car.  He caught me on tape confiding in my sister that he may be a narcissist, among other things.  He then gave me an ultimatum - either provide him line by line evidence to "prove" everything I said about him in my private conversation, or else go to my sister and retract what I said if it can't be proved.  (she doesn't even know he recorded us - she would be shocked and hurt to know her brother in law would do this!  My family doesn't know this side of him at all.)  I have not complied with this demand, and I am suffering for it.
     He also read old journals of mine from when I was a teenager, made copies of them, and when he wants to hurt me he recites painful passages to me about my teenage sexual indiscretions.  He's called me a slut.  Told me I was sick and disgusting.  He says that I am so f'ed up in the head that I must have been sexually abused as a child (I wasn't).  He's threatened to share the journals with my family.  He has now told my family that he won't be attending Christmas Eve dinner, but he is leaving it up to me to tell them why.  And if I do, he says he will "tell them everything."
    I am seeing a therapist.  I have opened up to a dear friend for the first time.  I have consulted with a lawyer.  I have been following Melanie Tania Evans, who is a great resource on surviving narcissism.  But still I stay.  The guilt is overwhelming.  He already has been heavily guilt-tripping me for seeing  lawyer, which "crosses a line" that HE would never have crossed, etc.
   I have never felt so stuck.  I know this is unhealthy, and abusive.  I asked my therapist, "who would stay in this situation?!"  But there is a 20+ year history.  There are children.  There is stability.  And sometimes, there are good days.  But yet, I feel like I have crossed a threshold, and there is no turning back.  I can't abandon myself.  I am a competent, strong, normal, and kind person.  (Not perfect, of course!) I have drawn such strength from lurking here, and I finally felt like I needed to post.  Another step in the right direction on this journey, I hope.

[Penny Lane]

Hi and welcome.

I'm glad you're here but I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

You ask, who would stay? The answer is that there are tons of smart, accomplished, kind people on these very boards who have been in EXACTLY the same boat as you. It's not a character flaw to try to see the good in your spouse and to be forgiving.

But, he sounds really scary. It sounds like you're living in fear and stress and walking on eggshells constantly. Your life could be so much freer and happier if you make the jump. There are thoughtful, funny, charming and sexy men who are not abusive, who don't tape record you and try to sexually shame you to your own family.

Your decision is yours to make and the people here will support you. I hope you can browse the resources like the toolbox and the emergency links including a domestic violence hotline.

A good book that a lot of posters have recommended is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

Wishing you all the strength in the world as you move forward. I hope you'll come back and let us know how you're doing, when you can.

[bat123]

Thank you, Penny Lane.  It almost brings tears to my eyes to read your reply.  When you exist in the vacuum of a dysfunctional relationship for so long, you lose perspective on what is normal and acceptable.  I've told so few people about this.  I feel that in order to move forward I need to voice this, and hear people tell me that I'm not crazy! I guess I need to hear people tell me what I really already know— that it doesn't have to be this way for me.  It's just hard because in a way I feel brainwashed to view this as normal.  For years I've made excuses.  I've told myself that he's simply a difficult personality.  But I think it's more than that.  I read the book you mentioned last year.  I've researched abuse and narcissism thoroughly.  Now I've kind of moved on to the next phase of trying to understand why I gravitated toward this kind of relationship, and how I can summon the strength to get myself to a healthier place.  I hope to be able to provide support to others, as well.

[LemonLime]

Bat, you are NOT crazy.  But your husband is, without any doubt, a deeply disturbed and potentially extremely dangerous person.
I am so glad you are getting out.

[bat123]

Thank you, Kat.  It's surreal to me that people might call him dangerous, but when I try to be objective about it (so hard to do!) I suppose from what I've written you could think that.  Bottom line is, it is not a healthy situation.  I appreciate the support here, it's such a new and different perspective for me.

[SeaBreeze]

Hello! I just made my first post after being a lurker as well, and there are many similarities between your journey and mine! I hate hearing yet another person has dealt with the same issues, but comforted to know we have found solace and guidance here at Out of the FOG. 

[base camp of Everest]

Hello Bat123,
I'm new to this forum but have a similar story. My soon to be ex husband, has definite characteristics of NPD though not so blatant. He was much more insidious.
We dated for four years and were married for 28 years, with two amazing children. And as I look back on our life together, I ignored and excused away his bad behavior. (He had a hard childhood, he is under stress because of work, the kids WERE acting up.) I took the blame when it wasn't mine. I let him break every boundary I had set for myself. I let him verbally abuse our children because if I said anything I would get the backlash. My whole identity was being his wife. I have so much guilt, I wish I were a stronger person. I am struggling to find my purpose and to understand how this happened to me, to my family.
I do recognize that I did not have a normal, healthy relationship. I've read up on NPD. I have a therapist, who led me to this site. I can't see the top of the survivor mountain yet, I'm still at base camp. But I really want to believe that it will get better. 
Please know that you DO NOT deserve this, nor do your children.  Keep seeing your therapist.

[bat123]

  Hi, Base Camp, I love your analogy.  I'm at base camp with you.  The good thing is that I think we can see the summit from here, right?  😊
  We attended our first couples session with a new counselor last night, then I was back with my therapist today.  I said to my therapist, this is exhausting!  I just want a normal, quiet life.  I almost regret agreeing to more couples counseling because I think it's just prolonging the agony for both of us.  I'm really trying to focus on getting myself healthy.  That is where the answers are, I believe.  In the meantime, I'll be here hanging out at base camp with you!
 

[base camp of Everest]

So nice to have a fellow climber.
I wish you all good things. Therapy will help you get the answers you need, but maybe not the answers you want. In my case, I was not prepared for that. I really believed he went into that therapy session with a genuine hope that we could better our communication and start on the path to reconciliation. In reality he was buying himself time, so he could buy a house for himself, his girlfriend (20yrs his junior) and her 3 young children.  You see, if I had filed for divorce he may not have gotten the loan he needed. I don't mean to be a negative Nancy, I just want you to think about all possible out comes. I hope that you are smarter and stronger than I was. I hope that your husband has a wake up call and changes for the better. I hope that you will have a happily ever after. 
But if you decide that there is a better path for you, a normal, loving relationship like you deserve, that's ok and you will be fine!

[11JB68]

In addition to the great book recommendation above I'd also recommend Invisible Chains by Lisa Fontes. It's mostly about controlling relationships...she calls it coercive control.

[bat123]

Base camp, you've said the one thing I really haven't wanted to hear, but I'm afraid it's probably true:
"Therapy will help you get the answers you need, but maybe not the answers you want."
Sigh. 

Thanks, 11, for the book recommendation, Invisible Chains.  I'm going to look for it.