Sick of feeling guilty

[Pushpin]

Hello everyone.

Really glad to have found this resource, not surely where to start.

I am a married woman who still feels trapped by family obligations. My childhood was terrible, both my parents were/are drug addicts and alcoholics and I grew up in a terrible hoarded dirty house, poverty, never having clean clothes or enough to eat. All the money went on drugs and I remember being bullied at school for being dirty and stinking of fags. I could go on about the violence etc forever.

My dad is now pretty much housebound, he can barely walk because he needs two knee replacements but he cannot have them until he loses several stone in weight. He gets disability payments (in the UK) but will not spend his money on anything to help him. He lives in a first floor rented flat which is madly unsuitable as he cannot get down the stairs, he struggles to stagger to the toilet and last time I went he was surrounded in the living room by bottles of urine and a bucket full of poop 
He lives over an hours drive away from me, and both my siblings live miiiiiles away and can't drive so I'm the 'closest'. My youngest sib is by far his favorite, and over the last year both my husband and I have made considerable effort to visit and try to help him, offer to take him to doctors, clean up etc. Without fail every time his convo goes as follows:

I'm bored, I'm lonely, I feel like I'm in prison, I'm going to kill myself.
I can't live like this anymore.
No I won't have carers/cleaners etc.
Have you heard from younger sib they haven't contacted me I still haven't met their child (first grandkid).

Absolutely no interest in how I am, considering I have been an inpatient in hospital, lost four pregnancies etc. I cannot do it any more. He has a friend who constantly sends me messages, oh pushpin your dad is going to kill himself, I am not his carer, you need to step up (you know the drill).

How do I stop this? I am so so sick of feeling guilty and worrying.

[FogDawg]

Absolutely no interest in how I am, considering I have been an inpatient in hospital, lost four pregnancies etc. I cannot do it any more. He has a friend who constantly sends me messages, oh pushpin your dad is going to kill himself, I am not his carer, you need to step up (you know the drill).

How do I stop this? I am so so sick of feeling guilty and worrying.

Hello, Pushpin. I hear you on being pushed to the edge and unable to deal with it any longer. We all want to know that we are cared about and it hurts when those who supposed to reveal otherwise. The person is right in saying, "I am not his carer." Neither are you. Your father is responsible for his own well-being and you have no responsibility to 'step up' because someone else feels uncomfortable. You were, and are, mistreated. There is no excuse and you have nothing to feel guilty about should you sever ties, which is exactly what I would recommend. Your husband and yourself have tried for a considerable amount of time and gotten nowhere, with your father not wanting to put in the effort as well. Both of your parents placed their vices above their own child. It is sickening and I am sorry. You are never going to get what you want and need. Life is not a fairytale and all that we can do is soldier on and attempt to somehow find peace, which I greatly wish for you.

[Pushpin]

You are never going to get what you want and need. Life is not a fairytale and all that we can do is soldier on and attempt to somehow find peace, which I greatly wish for you.

Thank you for your reply FogDawg. This really resonated with me, my husband has said the same, that you cannot help those who will not help themselves.

Do you think I should just block him and go NC? Do I tell him I'm done? Or just not respond any more?

[Penny Lane]

Hi Pushpin and welcome! You are not alone.

You are in a tough spot and it sounds like you've done more than your fair share for your father. As you get settled in here, I highly recommend perusing the toolbox. And specifically read up on boundaries and the 51% rule. I think those will help you start to figure out how to reset the relationship into something that's livable for you.

PD parents - and addict parents - raise their children to believe that those children are responsible for the parent. That wasn't true when you were a kid, and it's not true now. You have no obligation to this man. He had an obligation to you as your parent, and he failed to do it. Any energy you spend on him going forward is a GIFT you are giving him. And, I would add, when people are ungrateful about the gifts I give them, those gifts stop coming.

My point is that his mindset - that you owe him this - is not correct. And you don't have to operate as if it is. You are a kind, loving daughter, but it's not a bad thing to take care of yourself first!

Looking forward to hearing more from you on the board.

[FogDawg]

Thank you for your reply FogDawg. This really resonated with me, my husband has said the same, that you cannot help those who will not help themselves.

Do you think I should just block him and go NC? Do I tell him I'm done? Or just not respond any more?

You are welcome. If you can manage to go the route right now, simply block and keep your distance. You are not going to get anywhere with what you say, as I am coming to realize more and more, and the time and energy wasted could be put to more productive use. Look after yourself and do not let up once you feel strong enough to cut contact, which will only set your progress back. I relented with my father due to my mother being near death, as I did not want to upset her further, and while it hopefully wound up giving her peace, it was of no help no me, that is for sure; I felt forced into estranging once more not much after she passed, with him taking shots at me during the interment, in front of three others, with solely one of them understanding why I had to leave and cannot have anything to do with him. People will only deflect and act like you are in the wrong, just as your father's friend has been doing. You need to be able to come to believe that you are doing the right thing, as that is exactly what you are. The situation will not change and you will endure more unnecessary cruelty, which you do not deserve.

[freedom77]

Hi Pushpin and welcome...
I think you will find this forum to be very supportive and helpful.

I get the same song and dance from my own BPD/N mother...

She lives in what we call a studio apartment here in the States, it's actually quite cute and rather spacious for being a studio, and most importantly it's in her price range as she refuses to apply for public housing as she feels she's too good for that, never mind she's poor and been on disability and aid for over 20 years now.

She also constantly complains about her life, just like your dad, she's bored, she's lonely, she hates her life, she's going to kill herself (hollow threats thus far, always stating it, never once attempted it)...and also laments how much better she perceives others to have it.

Oh and of course, let's not forget how her happiness, or should I say abundant unhappiness is my fault and my never-ending responsibility to rectify. And no matter how pitifully horrible our lives were during our upbringing we are utterly ungrateful burdens.

And like you, I have offered to help by driving her places, giving her money, urging her to seek public housing which would not only be more affordable than the studio, but a fixed rent, meaning it cannot be raised unless you start getting more money into the household. The studio is a privately owned complex and they can raise the rent anytime they want to with just 30 days notice as the lease expires after 6 months time, and it's month to month from there on out.

Mother will often point out how she's going to be out-priced on the rent, and soon homeless, and that too is also my fault, and if I don't let her come live with me, she'll die, but I kept reminding her to go after the public housing, as I've allowed her to live with me before and it was a complete trip thru hell. Never again.

I understand how you feel, it truly is a no-win situation. I have just gone NC with my own mother. I could not take her abuse any longer, and I yearn to live my life on my terms free from attack and abuse. The 1st breaking point came when I confronted after 20 years since the last time I confronted her, about sexual abuse I survived at the hands of her long time boyfriend back then, and how cold and nasty she was to me, and called me a liar and completely re wrote history and attempted to gaslight me. The 2nd breaking point was when she started to behave abusively toward my DD.

You too may reach your breaking point and decide on less contact with your dad, or even NC. I know it's hard, especially when most of us have been groomed for decades that it's our job to clean up after our parents, that we are indebted to them despite a rotten upbringing, but I'm realizing it's just not the case. We are not responsible for their choices, their mistakes, their miseries, or their happiness, or their subsequent and consequential death from their choices in lifestyle, or their choice to commit to suicide.

Borderlines and narcissists are notorious for shucking blame and responsibility onto others. It's always a hoot when the least available, least involved child is the most asked about, isn't it? My siblings have been NC for over a dozen years...yet mother still speaks of them, usually negatively but would often bring them up while I'm trying to do something for her. 

You're in a tough spot, but it seems like, in light of you coming to this forum, that you are starting to see light thru the FOG, and may start to realize that your life matters more, and you are not responsible for your dad.

I'm sorry about your lost pregnancies. Stress may have played a part in it. The stress our unstable parents bring into our lives jeopardizes our health short and long term.

As for the flying monkey friend...tell them flat out to stop contacting you. You don't owe him an explanation at all. Tell him to stop harassing you, and then block his number. He's abusing you also, sending you upsetting messages and out right stating it's your responsibility to take care of a man who barely cared for you while growing up. Your father's choices are his own, and enduring the consequences of such is also his lot. If the friend were so concerned he would be telephoning the police. It wouldn't surprise me if your dad is telling this friend what an awful neglectful daughter you are, and how you never do anything for him, and is putting his friend up to this.

Parents like ours are famous for smear campaigns and getting people on their side and lobbying on their behalf, after they've trash talked us into the ground with lies about how we never help, or it's our fault they're in the situation they are in, etc.

Take time to really evaluate how you feel, and where you see your future, and try to determine just how far, how long, and how much you are willing to give, to tolerate, and to allow to affect you and your life. Then you might realize what level of contact works for YOU. 

[Psuedonym]

The N's favorite line:

I'm bored, I'm lonely, I feel like I'm in prison, I'm going to kill myself.
I can't live like this anymore.
No I won't have carers/cleaners etc.

Translation: Why no, of course I am going to make zero effort to change my life, which i've just claimed is unbearable. I will not stoop to such menial labor, that's someone else's job. Instead, I will sit here in my filth and sulk until somebody fixes everything. Hold my beer....

Once you accept that their behavior is on par with a 4 year olds its easier to see that it's not only rediculous, you arent helping by enabling it, even if its only listening to the whining over and over again.

I'm sure you think if you could just help improve your dad's situation he would feel better and you would feel less guilty. Like the following situation: A friend of mine's mother recently lost her husband of 50+ years. She chose to move to a nice apartment in a senior living community  where's she's thriving: she plays bridge every day, goes to happy hour, has made tons of friends, etc. Doesn't that sound ideal? My M lives in an identical set up, where she has access to all the same things. Guess what she says about it?

She's bored, She's lonely, She has no one. No one is nice. Everyone is 'old'.  She feels like she lives in a kennel.
She might as well be dead.

By the way this is the third place she's lived in in 2 years. It costs a ridiculous amount per month. Point is, you could break your neck doing everything you can to help your dad, and he'd still be miserable.

Something that helped me was an observation from Richard Grannon, who said something to the effect of 'when you distance yourself from a narcissist, whatever you're feeling is probably exactly what they want you to feel.'

[Pushpin]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me.

I did it. I blocked my dad and I blocked his friend. I've warned my siblings that I've done so, expecting them to be unhappy, and they've both said to me that they don't blame me at all and support my decision! 

[freedom77]

"The N's favorite line:

I'm bored, I'm lonely, I feel like I'm in prison, I'm going to kill myself.
I can't live like this anymore.
No I won't have carers/cleaners etc."

Thank you Psuedonym and Pushpin for letting me see I'm not alone with this line.
This is exactly the same stuff my own BPD/N mother says her whole life.
To a tee.
I mean EXACTLY.

[Bluebell Woods]

Pushpin
Well done for taking the action needed.

I always think when I read about or listen to people who relay such narratives that as the child your parents had a duty towards you.

When that duty is neglected, any obligation you "may" expect to hold as an adult child is negated. The deal is off.

Well done you x

[workinprogress2018]

"The N's favorite line:

I'm bored, I'm lonely, I feel like I'm in prison, I'm going to kill myself.
I can't live like this anymore.
No I won't have carers/cleaners etc."

Thank you Psuedonym and Pushpin for letting me see I'm not alone with this line.
This is exactly the same stuff my own BPD/N mother says her whole life.
To a tee.
I mean EXACTLY.

My uBPDM says exactly these things too!