Experienced a covert narcissist at work - felt unsafe - walked off

[Annoshh3]

I feel like typing out my story as I've been plagued by this mentally for the past couple of years. Maybe this isn't even narcissism - you be the judge.

I'm a man that's 27 years old right now, living in a Scandinavian country.

While working for a company 3 years ago, one of my colleagues at the time resorted to a really, really nasty form of manipulation to get her way at the end of my employment.

She was one of the more senior employees in the team - she had been with the company for 5 years.

She used to emotionally blackmail our boss (by crying) in order to offload her work assignments onto others in the team (me) - and my boss never dared to realize what was happening. Even when pointing it out to him - it only made him uncomfortable and he did nothing about it.

He even went as far as to gaslight me and try to force an alternate reality onto me (that she in turn had forced onto him).

I will never be able to fully explain what happened to you in text form, but let's just say I felt extremely undermined when it happened. And very, very, very abused.

Since I was already overworked, there was no way I could take on more work. It's just that my colleague was crying - and my boss just couldn't say no to her.

I think Scandinavian culture plays a role here. We're very humble - and if a girl starts crying nobody even remotely thinks that she's being manipulative. Even if she literally is.

To me - this really set off an alarm. My whole body was in pain as I realized I was being emotionally abused and that there was nothing (?) I could do about it as nobody would believe the abuse I was enduring. This set of a traumatic response in my body that was unbearable.

This led to me actually walking off the job as I couldn't take the abuse for 1 month (which is the notice period here).

This was a career job and my reputation took an enormous hit because of it. People think I'm crazy, when in fact, she was the crazy one.

But I don't tolerate abuse in any form - whether in the form of direct or indirect aggressions and I'm quite proud of that.

Avoiding the narc wasn't possible since she started literally offloading all her work onto me.

I think I, for the first time in my life, experienced: triangulation, emotional blackmail, gaslighting and much, much more. Let's just say it took a toll on my mental health to say the least.

I know you guys won't be able to answer this - and that it's my responsibility for how I react - but would you say I did the right thing?

[looloo]

There are people like this in the workplace (to varying degrees) everywhere you go, so it's important to cultivate our own assertiveness and boundaries.  We won't always be able to leave a toxic environment completely and find one that is healthy and functional. 

But I think you absolutely did the right thing, it's just a terrible shame that the price you pay for keeping yourself safe and your integrity intact is so high.

[Annoshh3]

Thanks a lot for your response!

While I believe I was assertive enough - sometimes that just doesn't work with people.

Like I said, my boss was scared shitless of the fact that a girl was crying and didn't know how to handle it.

I guess he was the one that needed to be assertive (towards her) - but instead chose to be assertive towards me in order to assert his dominance in a way by gaslighting me into submission.

When I raised my concerns about her crying (as a manipulative tactic) - he wouldn't believe me nor confront her about it. He simply chose to gaslight me instead. Such a weak leader.

He looked for the easy way out. And I guess you could say I gave him a hard time

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group,

i think you did the right thing for you because you've had enough of the nonsense and see right through it.  i have had experiences with several people who had strong PD traits in the workplace and boundaries are very, very important. 

if this continues does your company have a system where if you document enough they will review the other employee's conduct and put an appropriate consequence in place?

[Annoshh3]

welcome to the group,

i think you did the right thing for you because you've had enough of the nonsense and see right through it.  i have had experiences with several people who had strong PD traits in the workplace and boundaries are very, very important. 

if this continues does your company have a system where if you document enough they will review the other employee's conduct and put an appropriate consequence in place?

Thanks for your reply and the welcome!

My boss (which was the one who got manipulated) did not have any boundaries unfortunately and instead resorted to gaslighting me.

Like the post said, I'm not at the company anymore. This company would never review the other employee's conduct.

I realize I could have taken 1 month sick leave (with a doctor's note) only to return the last day and transfer my assignments to someone - but I literally wasn't sick AND FELT ABUSED!!!

[xredshoesx]

i'm sorry i misread your post.  good on you for leaving for GOOD.  sometimes you have to vote with your feet.  in my line of work, many of my respected fellow teachers have done just that. 

we are worth more than the disrespect.

[Annoshh3]

i'm sorry i misread your post.  good on you for leaving for GOOD.  sometimes you have to vote with your feet.  in my line of work, many of my respected fellow teachers have done just that. 

we are worth more than the disrespect.

Thank you. I just wish my reputation didn't take such a hit. It's been hard finding another job in my small industry.

Looking to move to another town. Luckily for me I was 23 at the time so it's not the end of the world.

That was probably the most savage moment in my life thus far.

[Annoshh3]

By the way, and I know this sounds stupid, but does anyone have any tips or pointers on what I could say during a job interview?

People rarely ask me about what has happened 3 years ago, but if someone wanted to know - how on earth does one explain narcissistic  abuse!?

[xredshoesx]

i walked off a teaching job (with the support of the good folks here may i add) before the teacher shortage in the US was a thing.  i worked at a dental office that serviced schools in the actual building (neat, i know!) for several months, and then got laid off.  all i did when i was interviewing to explain why i didn't finish out the year was tell my potential employers that  i was home supporting a family member.  no one ever questioned it.

since you are younger could you use the whole 'trip of the lifetime to explore _____________ backpacking' type excuse????

[Annoshh3]

I mean... I literally walked off my job. In a small industry.

I'm quite sure that wouldn't work. But thanks for the suggestion!

[Annoshh3]

Sorry for the double post, but I really feel like writing this.

I'm so glad I had the balls to burn bridges with people that were trying to make me doubt my sanity at 23. Such a boss move, although I could have handled it a lot more gracefully

I'm probably just overanalyzing the reputation part of things.

[notrightinthehead]

It seems you are annoyed with your former boss. You expected him to behave differently. Unfortunately people often don't behave the way we want them to and it might be wise to accept what you can't change. Like the behaviour of others. Of course you are responsible for your own well being, and if you feel that you work in a toxic environment it is the right thing to do to look after your own well-being. Personally, mostly for financial reasons, I looked for a new job before I left employment and tried not to burn any bridges, but I also never worked in a place where the situation was totally unbearable. I wish you good luck with your job hunting and the restoration of your reputation.