We are going to need a bigger boat!

[froggiesfightingback]

My story is not one I can share with anyone in my real life. Aside from the stupidity and madness that defines it there are people who would be shattered, probably more so than I have been, by the telling. This has severely hindered my healing and internalised my confusion and sadness. Please indulge me while I try to make it semi sensible on paper, for myself mostly but if anyone were to find anything helpful in here then all the better. Ive made myself a strong coffee, I suggest you do the same, its a long one.

30 years ago, when I was just seventeen I went to a party and saw a beautiful boy who sparked in me a flame that would nearly devour all that I was and all that I had - twice – and that I have never been able to extinguish. As cliche as it sounds I think I loved him on sight. We dated for nearly 4 years. Those years were destructive and wonderful and painful and exhilarating, for me. God knows what they were for him. Ultimately nothing and certainly not anything of the significance or import that they would prove to be in my story. He was more in love with himself than anyone else, and fair enough. He was young and gorgeous and wild and exciting. He was passionate and seemed passionately into me too. Except when he wasn't.

Eventually, when I knew I could take no more of the cycles, the breakups and make ups and the other girls, the insecurity and roller coaster I left the country to get away from him. To stop the cycle of him breaking my heart and then coming back after me. I pulled out of university, gave up my flat and friends and I dragged my wounded broken self to a place that was as foreign and as strange and as far away from him as I could imagine. I was so sad, I thought about him for a very long time while I hid from him and licked my wounds. I was sad for a very long time but I put myself together as best I could. I met a wonderful man who whilst he didn't spark the same flame in me, made me feel safe and loved and I loved him back with everything I had.

11 years later a scientist named Mark Zuckerberg develops a powerful nuclear weapon Facebook and a message pops up on my screen. I had just had a surgical procedure the week before and the rush of blood and adrenaline caused me to develop a haematoma at that moment. So strong was the physical reaction. I eventually responded because I can never resist and so began the next round.

Of course, looking back, the contact coincided with the break down on his marriage. It was never a love match, Im not just saying that out of some deluded self-protection. It was clearly never a love match and besides which, I know now he is incapable of a love match. She was the well-connected daughter of a wealthy man and she came with a very attractive dowry, well, that's how he saw it anyway. She got pregnant and as he tells it "she and her mother made me marry her, I never wanted to" He soon settled in to the marriage though. He bought cars and boats and bikes and businesses and big houses and had another 2 babies and then decided he couldn't "put up with her moods" anymore and when she left with the children and a travel bag full of depression medication and anxiety one Fathers Day he did nothing to get her back. What he did do was look me up on Facebook, call me to prop him up and off he went out back out into the world – unscathed, undamaged and ready to rock and roll.

I was there on the end of the phone for a few more relationship debriefs after that, one significant enough that it resulted in an engagement. They broke up a few times, got back together, bought a ring, made a fuss, had a baby and then that too was all over. She took out restraining orders, he threatened to kill the new boyfriend for keeping him from his child (in a very civilised manner) they went to court over custody.
In the meantime I had returned home from overseas. After 25 years away I brought my own children back to spend time with their grandparents and to spend their teenage years under clear blue skies. My husband stayed behind to finish up things at work. I enrolled my daughter at school. She was sat next to his daughter in a few classes and the two quickly became best friends.

Round 679

[1footouttadefog]

Wow it sounds like you are going to need to strengthen yourself against the addictive brain chemistry that this man's proximity in your world may bring about.

And it would be wise to consider it just that.  Regardless of the feelings and euphoria , the facts remain facts.  This guy is trouble for you as he was for others.

I hope you will be able to sort through it all and decide what your best life looks like and proceed accordingly. 

[bloomie]

froggiesfightingback - Hi there and welcome. I hope your time here, reading through the experiences of others fighting their way out of the toxic pull of another person who seems unable to truly love and bond with another person will bolster you and further enlighten you as you and give you strength and resolve to protect yourself and your family from harm.

A savvy therapist may be of great support to you as well as the resources and conversations here. Strength and wisdom to you.