Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Chosen Relationships => Topic started by: falsebalance2 on June 24, 2022, 01:33:16 PM

Title: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on June 24, 2022, 01:33:16 PM


I didn't realize how tired I really am until I got away for a short trip. My first ever in over a decade without him. I had developed phobias on traveling when from childhood I have always enjoyed traveling. I think it was my cognitive dissonance coming up with reasons to stay home. He claims now traveling is HIS dream - when that wasn't the case when I actually used to travel - I dragged him along.

I also spent time around a dementia patient....I noticed they told me many stories. I realized though she doesn't know she just told me the story - she is aware how I make her feel as I listen. She was telling those stories to say "I'm in here! I'm still here!" So I paid close attention every story and smiled and gave her a responsive audience.

I realize I do something similar! I talk about my past so much. I would be criticized by updh for doing so. And I have always been a future-minded person so I couldn't understand this either...Slowly every conversation I have is based on my past. No more future dreams and goals and plans....Then it hit me - I'm trying to say "I'm still in here!"

I had some time to reflect and let more people in on what I am experiencing and I was met with support and urgency for the children.

So I came back and had the talk. That I wanted to move out for some space. So he countered that if I move out so will he and then we moved on to divorce.

I stayed calm and in control. I navigated us to a point we could agree and quietly went my own way. I was blamed for everything within the relationship failure.
He also expressed he did not consider divorce an option until a month ago - yet he has threatened it for years.

The next day after going to do his thing he came back and said please don't leave he is willing to fight.

I expressed how we have been here before time and time again. I pointed out he has said these things before and watched him fight his own anger to stay in rescuer mode.

And then replaying the conversation I see it is all about HIM and HIS inability to lose us. to lose me...and the responsibility of fully taking care of himself.

It has occured to me today that I need to quit focusing on what his words are and where he is on the cycle and proceed with what is best for everyone.

Since I am the only one in the family capable of considering everyone's needs - I will need to make the plans.

I must be proactive and not reactive or I am letting someone who is incapable of empathy call the shots.

Here is where I finally grow.

Moving in faith - forsaking fear. Willing to face whatever attacks he will use to try and destroy me.

I have a great deal of compassion for him despite how he has treated me. I hate that the terrible disfunction he grew up in warped his mind.

And it is not loving to cater to a delusion and die slowly in the process - creating more broken people to send out into society...and when I die he will find another host - and likely that would be one of the children.

I must protect myself so I can protect the future generatIons...and I must do so in the most caring and calm manner for the updh.

I am a gentle soul and find tough love to be TOUGH.

But this is my missing development.

I read something I wanted to share....

in my own words:

It isn't that you attract these people like a magnet. These people are quite common. It is that you don't know to leave them alone.

I grew up in disfunction surrounded by pds. They taught me backwards rules based on my Scapegoat role. I learned to deny myself at all costs to keep the pd and the caregiver/enabler happy.

I knew from a young age I wanted to break the cycle. Being able to admit I made a mistake and I'm going to move forward is my story. I hope for my children's story it can be "I learned from my mother to avoid that mistake."

That means facing the fear and moving one foot forward at a time...and giving them an example of how to get out once you've been trapped vs being worn down to a shell and leaving them out to suffer.

Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: bloomie on June 24, 2022, 06:59:07 PM
falsebalance2 - your post is so insightful and filled with wisdom.

I can't applaud you enough in seeing past the cycle and behaviors that have been so harmful to you and to have compassion for the broken person behind the behaviors. It takes a stead and grounded person to not be swayed into reentering the cycle and to push through to a healthier life for yourself and your children.

I was moved by everything you shared, but especially relate to this:
Quote from: falsebalanceIt isn't that you attract these people like a magnet. These people are quite common. It is that you don't know to leave them alone.

I grew up in disfunction surrounded by pds. They taught me backwards rules based on my Scapegoat role. I learned to deny myself at all costs to keep the pd and the caregiver/enabler happy.

I knew from a young age I wanted to break the cycle. Being able to admit I made a mistake and I'm going to move forward is my story. I hope for my children's story it can be "I learned from my mother to avoid that mistake."

That means facing the fear and moving one foot forward at a time...and giving them an example of how to get out once you've been trapped vs being worn down to a shell and leaving them out to suffer.
:applause:


Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on June 24, 2022, 08:58:51 PM
Bloomie,

Your response is like a hug as I mourn this loss. Thank you.  I needed that this evening.

I feel excited for the peace of my own space - and at the same time I grieve for the emptiness he will feel. He also struggles with feeling we exist if we aren't directly in front of him. He doesn't want to engage with me - but he needs to see me walking silently around the house so he feels ok.

I posted here rather than separating because I wan't to find a healthy route - and I think legal action will trigger his reaction to fight and be right. I'm trying to be as gentle as he will allow.

Had I been healthy all those years ago - I wouldn't have been in this for so many years. I believed so many lies about the kind of life I deserved.

I can't beat myself up - I was able to keep seeking for answers and I shared all that I learned trying to help him along.

I also saw some pds compared to jumping in the water to save a drowning victim. They don't intentionally want to drown you - but in their panic to survive - they will shove you under trying to catch a breath.
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on June 27, 2022, 11:11:03 PM
Wow

Maybe I'll continue on as a thread here....

Now that updh is reaping some consequences and his circles have held him to it -

he came to me.

And here is the most heart-wrenching part for me.

For so long I knew I was all he had. He didn't see that. I have been a highly perceptive/intuition led person my entire life - and as a result - I tended to pick wounded animals to bring back to life and set free. How I have learned this isn't wise with people.

And if I remove myself from him he will have no choice but to see that - or replace me....and I'm going to be very hard to replace as far as how dedicated and seasoned to his preferences I was.

Maybe this is his sudden reason for getting back in shape? He senses his time is running out so now he is looking for the next host?

I plan to move out in a few weeks.
I will give him every opportunity to 'prove' himself as he says....But I'm hoping that by employing what I have learned in "Stop Caretaking," will cause a discard.

I am praying he doesn't try to use the children as a replacement. I have raised them to be headstrong and question everything that doesn't feel right in their spirit.

How to narc-proof children! That is my goal.
I must save them!

I also know from experience we love our parents no matter how bad they can be.

Many who know my situation think he will get bored of the kids and won't mind us slowly fading away.

I think so long as he can use a victim narrative for future supply he may prefer it that way - say his ex wife is a horrible person who stole the kids......He really only knows how to take other's experiences and claim them for his own...

He told me one time if I had to move away FAR away with them he would understand.

It sounded more like a wish.

I had people come and go from my life because once they figured him out they would tell me "He wants out! He just wants you to be the bad guy," and then the friendship would crumble as I was so properly trained to defend his honor at ALL cost.

He recently said I'm like a dog who didn't respond to training or has limits that make our relationship unfulfilling.

I tried to warn him his co worker was out to get him and I think he underestimated. I think his own game has been played on him and he may be about to lose his job. Why do I feel bad for him?!?  :stars:


Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: feralcat on June 28, 2022, 05:01:01 AM
Because you can't stop yourself being YOU. Or don't want to.

As an analogy - I had a very honest conversation with my unPdM a few days ago. At only 66 years of age. Lol. I havent been well , so I'm tiiiired. Her continual hypochondriacal wailings got to me. She's been pushing even the most Foggy family into avoiding her. Her final comment ? Oh, I expect you'll cut me off now ! Harrumph ! Her abandonment fears are paramount. Even though it's she who's pushed even the biggest fixers away.

I told her no, that as I would have done that years ago . And been justified. But I didn't. . But I do need the endless negativity to stop. If she wants me to call.
The reality is that I am compassionate. She doesn't scare me any more. It's no skin off my nose, as they say in the UK. I'm not a child. I live a long way away. I do realise that she herself is damaged. I don't want to end up disliking myself. I don't care any more what other family members think.

So ... You're doing great, by the sound of it. Very secure in your knowledge of how you tick, and very self aware.
What your sTbxH does with himself in the future is up to him. Sometimes people don't look at themselves until they reach the bottom of their pit.
Thanks for teaching your kids to stand up for themselves. I'm sure they'll appreciate you for that, if they don't already. Young ?
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: SonofThunder on June 28, 2022, 11:08:05 AM
FalseBalance2, 

I wish you the best on your coming plans.  The dog training analogy actually coming from his mouth is just SO ridiculous, yet paints an accurate mental picture of how PD people view their targets as objects to serve their needs, and when the target isn't performing as expected, they are discarded.   You wrote:

"...will have no choice but to see that - or replace me....and I'm going to be very hard to replace as far as how dedicated and seasoned to his preferences I was."   

Using both my past and more recent experiences, i will cast my vote on PD people choosing 'replace' by utilizing a silent 'see'.  My stbxw will surely 'see' in time, but imo, it will only cause her victim mentality and therefore 'replace' energy and goals, to intensify.  I also believe that 'replace' wont settle until she finds another target who is "dedicated" (a dedicated caretaker type) so the target can be trained (seasoned), to perform the necessary specific caretaking duties to calm the chaotic internal needs of the PD, so they can then project that outward facade calm, got-my-act-together trophy. 

SoT
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on June 28, 2022, 04:24:45 PM
Quote from: feralcat on June 28, 2022, 05:01:01 AM

So ... You're doing great, by the sound of it. Very secure in your knowledge of how you tick, and very self aware.
What your sTbxH does with himself in the future is up to him. Sometimes people don't look at themselves until they reach the bottom of their pit.
Thanks for teaching your kids to stand up for themselves. I'm sure they'll appreciate you for that, if they don't already. Young ?


I do hear it gets worse and worse as the PD comes to their end. It is a sad way to live. I'm glad you've found a way to make it work.

And thank you - I do find the children's futures to be the most important. I thought at some point that meant keeping us together - but as I can't seem to regulate as he comes and goes when he pleases I believe I'm sending the children the wrong message.

I can't have rules for him that an adult won't follow and will undo if I give any ground.

Yes the children are all under 5.
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on June 28, 2022, 04:37:00 PM
SOT,

I took a few pages out of your play book.

I find the more calm I am - the more I can't believe my ears! I think the more calm I get he tries to coax me back into my....Kennel? haha - and then I hear more of how his mind actually views me.

He loves the idea of a companion but the actual work and training doesn't interest him. And then when things don't go his way he throws a tantrum and blames the dog.

And now I'm certain it is financial reasons he doesn't want to see me go. He had me paying all of the bills while he saved.

Now we will both be scraping by.

I do see the trophy of "my life is just fine without you, therefore you were the problem," being the likely response.

I have so many people hoping he will turn around. For now, I will let them keep their hope.

Prognosis doesn't look good.

If I get the place I'm expecting a wild two weeks....But - he may be super calm while I'm in the throes of moving so he can wait until the dust settles to reasses how he can come out on top. (how he can mess me over and punish me for leaving).
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: SonofThunder on June 28, 2022, 10:22:06 PM
Falsebalance2,

I agree, the calm, quiet causes the PD to pull out the stops in creating change in the non, and surely reveal their motives in the process.  You wrote:

"He loves the idea of a companion but the actual work and training doesn't interest him. And then when things don't go his way he throws a tantrum and blames the dog. And now I'm certain it is financial reasons he doesn't want to see me go. He had me paying all of the bills while he saved."

I like the way you worded that and your insight is wise.  Sadly my prediction is that he will, after your departure, state how much he doesn't like being alone (by himself)  vs stating that he misses your relationship and also loathing having to actually do things to care for himself, in which his prior caretaker had done. 

I wish you the best in your journey,

SoT
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on June 29, 2022, 09:32:51 AM
Thank you, SOT.

Yes - when I had a calm talk and explained I would be moving out his response was "Well then I'm moving out, too. I don't want to live here alone."

Which is why we had to go further down the line than he wanted - selling the home and divorce.

The thing is - when he would rage and threaten divorce he would say he was going to move out - but he never does. And people with no pd knowledge keep telling me to stay and make him leave. In our state he has equal right to stay here. So I know he would use that and come back.

But if I get a place beneath his ego - I am much more insulated from hoovering when he can't deal with nobody cleaning his toilet.

His side of the house is in bad shape and throughout - everything I couldn't do alone for maintenence has been put off for a few years. (I learned a lot of DIY skills because of this....But he would say DIY makes him nervous but then not want to pay for someone to fix the house. He greatly overestimates what our home is worth because he doesn't understand upkeep).

He expected me to take care of everything while he hoarded money...which he is now wildly spending in case I leave him or to soothe his pd injury.

Either way I don't care. If I have my children he can have everything else.

Waking up to the reality by focusing on his actions shows me the whirlwind he kept me in with words.

When I realized the prison bars were only words it became comical and shameful for how long I stayed there.

Of course - He will likely see the children as a 'gotcha' for life...Which is why I feel leaving right now while they require much care may be the wisest thing I can do to protect them - And not stirring up anything legal and let his rescuer side come to front. Because his rescuer side only uses words and his actions greatly conflict - which exposes who he is better for outsiders.

His current interest is in our eldest child - because he is less 'work,' but little does he know that children are still emotional 'work' long after changing diapers...and our eldest is very perceptive and cooling off on him.


I've still got some forgiving of myself to do for putting my children through this.

I feel like I married a con-man.
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: SonofThunder on June 29, 2022, 10:51:18 AM
FalseBalance2, 

These PD con-artist's are highly skilled, and as we here on Out of the FOG know well, it takes experience, along with education, insight and wisdom to finally come out of FOG that the con-artist keeps us within.  There are SO many non's not here on Out of the FOG, in the head-spinning FOG and so I consider us the lucky ones who have reached this level of awareness. 

I personally believe children are resilient and now, with your bold protective moves for yourself and them, they will have you to thank for your protection and also potential future education for them, in teaching them how to avoid the FOG in their own adult lives. 

Im proud of you for your bold moves, using education, wisdom, insight and understanding of what is most valuable in life.  My thoughts and prayers for you in your forward progress. 

SoT
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on June 29, 2022, 01:14:28 PM
Thank you, SOT the encouragement is much appreciated.

I believe you are right about children as well.

Also - very true to be thankful to be one of the ones to wake up from the FOG!!!

Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on June 29, 2022, 08:08:20 PM
I got the place! :aaauuugh:

Now to gray rocking my way through the move!

Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: SonofThunder on June 30, 2022, 01:47:27 PM
Quote from: falsebalance2 on June 29, 2022, 08:08:20 PM
I got the place! :aaauuugh:

Now to gray rocking my way through the move!

A big congratulations FalseBalance2!  🙌🏻   As you stated, gray-rock/medium-chill through the process. 

Using our knowledge of what drives decision-making, attitudes and self-focused concerns of a PD, i believe there are ways to make the move much smoother for ourselves, by being flexible with ourselves in order to keep drama as low as possible.  For some people, these flexibilities may be seen as further 'caretaking' toward the PD, but in reality are an extension of GR and MC. 

For example, my PDw is very concerned about her public image, which includes neighbors.  Therefore, I chose to complete my moving to-do's in times and ways so neighbors werent very aware of what was occurring and when my PDw was not at home.  I moved in more frequent, small trips in my own vehicle vs renting/hiring a moving van, which looked normal.  I chose to not take furniture (starting over fresh), which left the marriage home looking untouched; again a big helper of calm for the PDw. 

I was able to complete my moving to-do's without any questions from neighbors, which kept drama with the PD at minimum.  I said nothing to her about why i chose these methods and she did not ask.  I just went about my business in silence and in a very 'business' MC mentality. 

I liken divorce to a war; a truth war.  Part of 'truth' is my silent understanding and education on PD subjects and also my specific PD person.  Therefore those education assets of mine are similar to battle plans; not to ever be revealed.  All good plans need great intel. To get great intel, one must covertly infiltrate and gather data.  Also, when time comes for the war to occur, there are typically covert operators already in place behind enemy lines, in order to assist the overt incoming forces.  The covert operators are successful because they blend in with society while they are doing their covert operations. 

Therefore, my designing a low-drama move assisted me in many ways, both emotionally and physically, and the PD 'victim' didnt get the opportunity with the neighbors to benefit from a smear-me campaign during an already stressful event of a move.  I understand the scenarios and capabilities are very different for everyone, but low-drama for ourselves (even if it looks like caretaking a PD persons public reputation) is, imo, an important component to preserving our own energy for a future time when more overt methods are necessary. 

I wish you the best in your GR and MC in keeping things as calm as possible for you, even if your PDh believes they are somehow scoring a victory at your expense.  Its a truth-war imo, and truth will eventually reveal itself when each side has the freedom and protection of private space in which to conduct operations, and the 'covert operator' of calm-privacy of our own place is key to moving the truth-war along, one skirmish at a time.  Remember also that the best pre-made battle plans will change, the moment the first overt action is taken in the truth war, so use your PD knowledge, wisdom and experience to craft revised plans as you go along and understanding that battle plans must be flexible will also help to stay energized and optimistic for the end goals, even if the route to get there, changes many times.  Thoughts and prayers toward you. 

SoT
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on July 01, 2022, 12:31:01 AM
Wow thank you, SOT!

I had forgotten to take into account how he will feel about neighbors inquiring about mine and the children's whearabouts.

I must massage his ego and allow him the 'wins' that I can afford.

Caretaking has always been a survival mechanism at it's core - so to some degree it is necessary when trying to gain some ground or I'll be attacked.

Very wise. Thank you.

I am learning if I write a brief statement (and record) - I get to say what I need to say and then I let him do all of his tricks for however long he needs to - and then I recap with my talking point.

When I'm feeling weak or like I made this all up in my head I go and have a listen and picture someone speaking to someone I love like that in front of me and what I would do or say.

I have a feeling he will want to sell the house as soon as he sees my moving out is a reality...And now I understand why. He thinks he is above all of the neighbors and will want to move for a fresh narrative as I have made genuine connections with many of the people round the block.

Not to have magical thinking - but moreso maintaining good testimony that I did everything possible to reconcile - I was hoping he would stay in the house and reality would hit and he could possibly wake up at least for the sake of the children.

But I know odds for this are slim to none.

So I greatly value the advice to be ready for plans to change rapidly - and also to make quiet trips to move.

When I read my letter about moving out he hit me with selling the house and a few other things. I almost made the mistake of asking him what HE wanted to do - but I recently heard with a PD - be proactive not reactive.

So I paused and said "Ok. Here is what I'm doing. It is what I want to do. Whatever you decide to do in turn I support you."



I almost fear telling him I'm moving out...But then again I have this intuition that if I remind him of how he is seeking his as he put it "mental and physical health" and this process could take up to two years from the original 6 month request (lol) - That I'm simply seeking the same for myself.

Fear is built into that OZ illusion - but I believe I'm dealing with a tiny boy behind the curtain.

He claims he wants to see the children and only avoids them because I'm around. The other night he asked if he could take them all to dinner and I asked what he intended to do about car seats. He refuses to keep car seats in his vehichle. His response?

Oh. I forgot about that. Nevermind.

And then proceeded to text me that he would be out with 'friends' that I've never met.

I thought to tell him he must buy car seats....But then I realized that is solving his problems and that's not my job.

I have months worth of documentation of his non-interest in the children and zero to minimal financial support for groceries and diapers and clothing.


He has tried to force my hand at divorce for many years (or just became his true self once he thought I would never leave because I told him from day one I would never wish a broken home on children).

So I am going to make sure I present this as me trying to 'get' healthy like he is "healthier than he has ever been," and giving him space and freedom to do so. And that if after I get healthy if he finds me attractive again (lol) then we can discuss.

Maybe if I give him the opportunity to believe he can discard me and it not be what I want he will work hard to replace.

If he presses for divorce I've told him I will gladly do a fast flat fee divorce. He mentioned the need to 'set me free' like surrendering a dog when it "just isn't working out."

I'm elated to have peace in my new place - but I know this is going to likely be a slow war. But I will be energized for battle rather than squatting inside his trenches.

Thank you for the prayers.


While taking inventory of my things I had a moment where I found some cookies I have and remembering how he came to the grocery one day and told me to try some new ones and he paid. I thought wow...That was so kind of him........

And then I realize I can justify months long abuse because he bought me a few 5.00 cookies if I'm not careful.


I am so thankful for my children - because even though they are the reason I must be very cautious how I approach all of this -

they are a major motivation to not return with each new piece of freedom I gain.





Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: SonofThunder on July 01, 2022, 08:16:37 AM
FalseBalance2,  I look forward to keeping up with your progress on your plan, that you have already put in motion. 

All the best,

SoT
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: square on July 01, 2022, 09:50:45 AM
It sounds like you've made some major, major progress on a number of levels. Well done.
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on July 01, 2022, 11:00:44 PM
Thank you, SOT!

And thank you, Square!!!

I also studied this cycle wheel and use it like a little "you are here," map.

It is still maddening - but it is helping me endure the speed of the IDD cycle.

it was 5 phases

Love Bombing - Which for me is menial (like buying those cookies LOL)

Calm - which isn't necessarily nice....just no tension

Tension - As a highly intuitive person I pick up on this immediately and my body goes into fight or flight (or fawn or freeze!)

Incident - Inevitably I crack and the moment I break gray rock or MC and show any of my sensitive nature or any emotion - he will pounce and it feels like being vomited on with hatred. His words - "I can't hit you so I hit you with words." or "Sometimes you need a spanking so I have to put you in your place."

Distance - Silent treatment until I initiate any contact. Then depending on what I initiate contact for - I am either punished by more distance - or I guess the magic topic and I am rewarded with love - bombing.

Then back to the love bombing.

Waiting patiently for my discard.

I can't tell most people this because they want to give me hope - But my heart has closed for intimacy with him ever again. Each time someone says they're hoping he wakes up - I know they mean well but it literally makes my stomach turn.

Being in the same room knowing he has been tinkering with my head from a young vulnerable age and then tried to trap me with children and financial hurdles . . . I literally feel ill.

today we are in tension mode. He is ramping up ready for the incident.

Hopefully I can be in distance or love bombing as I'm packing up.

I may have to have the backup plan to be packed swiftly in one day should "incident" be the mark around move-out.

Two weeks. I have to make it!



Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: SonofThunder on July 01, 2022, 11:40:15 PM
FB2,

You wrote " I may have to have the backup plan to be packed swiftly in one day should "incident" be the mark around move-out."

I believe this is very wise.  I will suggest you have a mentally practiced worse-case boundary plan at all times and carry the tools necessary for proper boundary application for your own self protection.   You are wise and highly sensitive to his traits and will pick up on 'incident' mentalities.  Not trying to raise fear or worry but suggest proper planning. 

Imo, the boundary plan should be a stepped plan should the 'incident' escalate.  For example. 

1. His voice is raised/accusations= i will noJADE and will depart from the same room.
2. If followed out of the room= I will start video/audio recording on my phone and go to my vehicle and drive away.
3. If followed= I will call the police while driving and drive to a nearest police and fire station (know where this is and how to get there by memory, not by phone map)

Also my opinion: At all times, your cell phone should be charged, your vehicle should be kept topped off with fuel, you should have a go-bag packed for a multiple night stay and in your car. 

If you feel as if this event could trigger a more hostile reaction and therefore self defense necessary, then i recommend you purchase (if in the USA, not certain regarding outside USA ) a Kimber Pepperblaster 2 and carry it at all times in your pocket, or in a discreet belly band holster.  Its a potent non-mist, high speed (120mph+) stream pepper spray which is accurate to 10-12 ft.  Its non lethal and will disable any human (no matter their size) in less than 5 seconds and the disabling effects last 45+ min.  2 shots per device.  Purchase on Amazon or possibly at a local firearms dealer if you want a cash/discreet purchase vs Amazon if your husband can see purchase histories. I carry one on me at all times and have one in my vehicle and also in my bedroom. 

Again, not to alarm you, but your comment of his words "I cant hit you..."??   That says to me he's restricting himself because of law, not because of his care for you. In a PD rage incident, law may go out the window, as many here have witnessed.  Distance is your best friend in volatile situation and the Kimber device mentioned is ideal in creating distance and time to get away. 

I wish you a calm move, but also advise planning for all scenarios and mentally running them over and over. 

SoT
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on July 03, 2022, 04:18:23 PM
Thank you for telling me about the Kimber Pepper gun - Even just for soon living alone. I looked into these and they seem like a great option for me.

I feel my pd is extremely lazy and therefore will just wait and see what happens and use the entire situation to mock me and make me feel like I've made a mountain of a mow-hill.


now I'm processing a few things:

I do agree it is wise to be prepared for anything. I spent 4 months trapped with an overt narcissist when I was a teen. The classic love-bomb turned to violence within a matter of months. I had to flee for my life and drive to a police station. I had enough evidence to put him behind bars and but I fled instead. I was too young and scared if I ruined his image like that he would most likely have killed me once he got out. Ironically - he was the only guy my parents ever approved of. He was charming, attractive, and had made a name for himself.

Fast forward to now - when I listen to the recordings - I can see how similar they are...Their pattern of speech and their faults they find with me. They took inventory of my insecurities and weaponized them! Only the overt was more rash which ultimately woke me up to the danger I was in. He threw me across a room one evening and his mother barged in and asked me "What did you do?"  :blink:

However my updh is much more in control of himself. He has spent years building a case against me just as my mother did. They are more calm and calculating and enjoy watching me in pain. It IS a truth war - and I finally realize everyone has flaws so if he wants to publicly drag mine out will it be fun? No.....But will it reveal his level of class (or lack thereof)?

The overt was easier to escape because he was irrational and I had an obvious reason to flee (violence). I will say even with bruises all over my body - some people still found it hard to believe he could have done it without 'provocation.' The provocation was he was cheating and became obsessed that I was cheating.

I thought because I wasn't being physically harmed I wasn't being abused. But seeing my children struggle with his behaviors woke me up, fast.

This current situation mirrors my childhood so well.

1. My mother told me (only in private was it overt) I never wanted a child - you ruined my life. Birth control didn't work. I should have aborted you.

2. Updh told me from the very beginning - I didn't want a relationship (lie) but I'll tolerate you - if I don't want you here you won't be here.

I tried with both to prove they should love me.

Most people became flying monkeys when I tried to escape or tell about the twisted abuse I was experiencing. Then it was "she's your mother....Just respect her and things will work out." And now it is "He is your husband....Til death do you part....Just respect him and it'll work out."


If I don't stay one day at a time I feel that speed wobble which occurs on a motorcycle.
I'm terrified of the damage he could inflict on me and my children - but I just keep moving foreward.



Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: SonofThunder on July 03, 2022, 05:25:25 PM
Quote from: falsebalance2 on July 03, 2022, 04:18:23 PM
Thank you for telling me about the Kimber Pepper gun - Even just for soon living alone. I looked into these and they seem like a great option for me.

I feel my pd is extremely lazy and therefore will just wait and see what happens and use the entire situation to mock me and make me feel like I've made a mountain of a mow-hill.


now I'm processing a few things:

I do agree it is wise to be prepared for anything. I spent 4 months trapped with an overt narcissist when I was a teen. The classic love-bomb turned to violence within a matter of months. I had to flee for my life and drive to a police station. I had enough evidence to put him behind bars and but I fled instead. I was too young and scared if I ruined his image like that he would most likely have killed me once he got out. Ironically - he was the only guy my parents ever approved of. He was charming, attractive, and had made a name for himself.

Fast forward to now - when I listen to the recordings - I can see how similar they are...Their pattern of speech and their faults they find with me. They took inventory of my insecurities and weaponized them! Only the overt was more rash which ultimately woke me up to the danger I was in. He threw me across a room one evening and his mother barged in and asked me "What did you do?"  :blink:

However my updh is much more in control of himself. He has spent years building a case against me just as my mother did. They are more calm and calculating and enjoy watching me in pain. It IS a truth war - and I finally realize everyone has flaws so if he wants to publicly drag mine out will it be fun? No.....But will it reveal his level of class (or lack thereof)?

The overt was easier to escape because he was irrational and I had an obvious reason to flee (violence). I will say even with bruises all over my body - some people still found it hard to believe he could have done it without 'provocation.' The provocation was he was cheating and became obsessed that I was cheating.

I thought because I wasn't being physically harmed I wasn't being abused. But seeing my children struggle with his behaviors woke me up, fast.

This current situation mirrors my childhood so well.

1. My mother told me (only in private was it overt) I never wanted a child - you ruined my life. Birth control didn't work. I should have aborted you.

2. Updh told me from the very beginning - I didn't want a relationship (lie) but I'll tolerate you - if I don't want you here you won't be here.

I tried with both to prove they should love me.

Most people became flying monkeys when I tried to escape or tell about the twisted abuse I was experiencing. Then it was "she's your mother....Just respect her and things will work out." And now it is "He is your husband....Til death do you part....Just respect him and it'll work out."


If I don't stay one day at a time I feel that speed wobble which occurs on a motorcycle.
I'm terrified of the damage he could inflict on me and my children - but I just keep moving foreward.

Falsebalance2,

Wow. Im very sorry you have suffered so greatly over the many-many years, and I wish for you a new-found freedom in your future, providing room for healing, calm, peace and a place/time to begin again in writing the future chapters of your life and the lives of your children. 

You are wise on so many levels with the experiences coupled with awareness and education, which will help you advance-plan in the best methods that keep your plan moving forward and in the most peaceful way possible.  Your high-radar abilities will hopefully be good insightful information to add to your wisdom in keeping you steps ahead of your updh, with on the offense side vs defense. 

Im glad to read you will plan for all possibilities so you can move forward to freedom in the truth-war. Thoughts and prayers for on the journey as you steadily convert unknowns to knowledge.

SoT
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on July 04, 2022, 09:41:48 PM
Thank you for the encouragement, SOT!!

I am taking this for those moments I question myself:

"...you steadily convert unknowns to knowledge."

YES!

And it is okay. I used to find my life and past embarassing - Which is what I think made me such a candidate for repeated traumas. Time to own it and get wisdom. And that prayer has been being answered.

As far as unknowns....Now I would like to see what has REALLY been going on - and I think with a covert narcissist the only way to see is to leave.

He wants me to believe I won't make it without him. Let me turn that from an unknown into "knowledge!"

Also I have read most of the time my hunches (but trained denial as to never question the PD) about him having at the very least emotional affairs - are likely justified and may come out once he realizes I'm actually leaving.

Also - like a matador - I think if I can keep the focus on me leaving him - it will keep him less focused on the target I don't want to risk - the children.  They have little to offer him. He is far above diapers and potty breaks and can only dole out fast food and ice cream for so long before he begs me to take them back.


I predict he will use the victim card of being the perfect father with a B for an ex wife

(he wouldn't call me that if I didn't act like one he says)

and all of his free time to have lots of fun being single again.

He will probably pop in and ask to take them to the zoo or something high profile and take pictures to keep that narrative going....Until he gets the next victim.

He works in retail and I was warned a few times he is very flirty.

So this whole time he has an endless supply at work and keeps me locked away in the castle (At one point he suggested cameras all thru the house because it would be 'fun' if he could see what we were doing during the day. He also asks the kids a lot if any "uncles" come over during the day. I told him I found it offensive but he never stopped.

So looking back - a lot of his behaviors point to his own desires to be doing something else.

Also - what makes my stomach churn is looking back to when we first began dating in college - He gained a lot of weight while in his only long term relationship and she cheated and then left him eventually. We even have the same name. And the behaviors he complained about he eventually brought out in me.

Then he lost the weight and got in shape and was serial dating until he got me...And then the weight piled back on once he relaxed that he had me locked in. I think food is his drug.

His "please give me 6 months to lose weight and get in shape and then I can 'handle' you guys" was more likely "crap, the gig is up. Don't dump me while I look like this. I need to look better than you and replace you quickly before you win and replace me."


Just want to put this here so future me can come back and say WOW I saw it all how was I in the fog so long?!
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: SonofThunder on July 04, 2022, 10:12:37 PM
Hang in there FB2!  Keep posting and make steady forward progress with great advanced preparations at all times.  Dont forget to eat well and get as much sleep as possible, even if its shorter, more frequent sleep sessions. Eat good quantity foods and healthy mind/body foods.  Its a truth war and all comrades need to be their best, both mentally and physically.  You got this! 

SoT
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on July 05, 2022, 11:01:45 PM
So true!

Have to think like a soldier in the truth war!!!

Thanks, SOT!
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on July 12, 2022, 09:35:43 PM
Bad Soap Opera

Well - Move out day is approaching.

PD has been dodging seeing me at all.

Tonight when I left for dinner with the kids he came out Disney Dad right when I got food on plates (he never eats with us and he had already knocked on the door as I was packing and said he was going out to eat). He knows I can't eat when I'm nervous....So the timing seemed so planned. So I shoved the food in my mouth and reminded myself....I'm a smooooothe, gray rock.

Our small son asked him why he slept all day (gray rocks don't laugh lol)  (it was his day off and he did in fact sleep all day...) and he got irritated and said "I wasn't sleeping" as DS said something off script so he left anf closed the door mid sentence of DS chatting...DS dropped his food and looked at me and said 'oh.' I quietly assured son this was rude. It was also gas lighting as DS SAW him sleeping.

This is life with him....If we say something off script he will walk away and disappear.


He came back out within 2 min and sat in a chair facing me and here was the moment.....drum roll please....

FB2,

yes?

I needed to get a thing out of your *room* (he named it something I haven't called it before lol) from the closet but I didn't know all that stuff was in there...

(literally packed full of moving boxes)

I swallow my GR food.... What stuff?

There's stuff all over the floor (irritation slip)

Oh. ok. Yeah I can get it for you.

(friendly tone) Oh ok thanks. It doesn't have to be today. there's no rush. (duper's delight)

Ok.

Then he goes to whistling which is when he thinks he has won a con.

What just happened there?!?!  :o


I can't worry too much about what he is going to do. I have to do something and this is it.


I already had my suspicions he looks in the spare room I have been using to gather my things.

Also - Because I told him I was moving out two weeks ago -  I know he knows I am moving out. He has been pretending to be neutral the last two days (less than 2 minute interactions)

He does things with the kids to get under my skin - But slowly he is losing all control and power over me. Because I know that I'm only responsible now for my own relationship with them.

Whatever he does to damage their tiny little souls will forever be on him. I believe that was the last thing I had to let go of. And I've learned from some of you wonderful people on Out of the FOG that them seeing me in the drama triangle is damaging and was my part.



Their confidence has sky rocketed the last couple of months because I have done a fantastic job with GR and MC and the toolbox. Some bumps in the road but I'm learning.

Yes he has threatened for years to take them from me or kill me if I left. But if I stay he is going to try to take them and it will kill me anyway.

Yes he is going to play ultimate victim. Yes he will smear me. Yes he may have a legal advantage because he will lie to win.

I have my own battle plan in place.

The truth will win out - even if it costs me everything.

I am at that HOLD moment of battle. I get heart palpitations when he walks in the room.Because Out of the FOG I can see how deadly this was from the beginning.

I married a con man. And he needed a front to disarm people and 'win' against his FOO.


I've already secured what can't be lost for the move and everything else I've gotten myself ready to lose if he pulls anything overt.

My guess is he has the security plan he had three years building a reputation at his job and keeping me and the kids away so he could control the narrative about me.

Imo -I think he greatly overestimates how much people care about him at his work and I think he is going to discard many people at his job when they don't side with him the dramatic way he has cooked up in fantasy land. He has a harem and maybe two gullible guys who have never met me who will pump him up.....Ironically - I believe keeping me out of sight at his new location bit him in the end. Before - He would parade me around and use my charm to win favor with higher ups...But they wound up loving me and ds and spoke about what a good mom I was and updh couldn't have that - so when he tried to sabotage me back then - he actualIy admitted he did and that said bosses took my side. After that he discarded and then moved on to his current place - and I'm starting to wonder if his career is a magnet for pds because they're all dog eat dog and now people are beginning to see cracks in his story. If he is such a family man....then where are we?

Also I noticed the pattern - when he has nobody believing him or falling for his fantasy - That is when he confides in me. But now I see this wasn't love and trust it was 'nobody is doing what I say - good thing I still have this idiot."

But I can recall conversations with extreme accuracy (symptom from growing up this way) and now I can go back and scan all of my brain files and piece everything together.

Hoping I can use past behavior as a predictor of future behavior.

If I keep helping ds stop being a care-taker and validating reality for the kids - they may escape the cult and wind up in discard land....And hopefully be wise and know what to do with this type of person.

Updh always said he "wanted" DS when he turned 7...because then 'they aren't so needy and he can throw a football.'

I wish I could have woken up sooner. I will do my ultimate best to equip the children.


Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: notrightinthehead on July 13, 2022, 12:18:10 AM
Keeping my fingers crossed for the move. Hold on to that clarity of mind!
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: square on July 13, 2022, 08:59:45 AM
 :yeahthat:
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: square on July 13, 2022, 09:12:57 AM
Btw, the thing he asked you to retrieve and then smirked about. I don't know if this will help you but you could decide to drag your feet. Don't retrieve it. When he follows up say oh yeah sure will do it later / can't right now cause ___. And refuse to be pinned down to a promise of when (sure tonight if I can / we'll see). MC all accusations - if you asked him to do something, how would he wiggle out of it? Borrow from his book. Number one is to not take the request seriously, nor the accusations resulting from not doing so. You forgot and are busy. Big deal.

I'm not sure if you can prevail but he may reveal his plan to you as he gets frustrated.

Even if I wasn't sure I would refuse to the bitter end, I would sure avoid hurrying to his trap.
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: SonofThunder on July 13, 2022, 10:39:35 AM
FB2,

Great job on:  "Their confidence has sky rocketed the last couple of months because I have done a fantastic job with GR and MC and the toolbox. Some bumps in the road but I'm learning."    

Since we non's are mostly on defense, we cannot predict the offense maneuvers of the PD, so "bumps in the road" in defense are normal.  I suggest you look at those bumps as training. Continuous training turns unknown-bumps to known-bumps when those situations reoccur, as PD's are very predictable.  Your GR, MC and toolbox reactions/protections will get better and more natural all the time with practice, experience, adjustment and faster mental action/reaction times.  So bring on the bumps!

I personally see the incident about him asking you about the 'stuff' as:

1. Imo, a silent, masculine-pride, manipulative way of telling you he is very aware of your moving out, and therefore, based on his past technique of belittling and threatening, he knows it agitates you, and makes him feel powerful, as you mentioned by his whistling which is a PA self-victory trophy he gave himself just loud enough for you to hear. 

2. Imo, his coming back to sit and face you and ask you that question is also a smokescreen-deflection for his deflated masculinity embarrassment in being truthfully confronted by a child on sleeping all day. 

3. Imo the "It doesn't have to be today. there's no rush", imo is his way of baiting you for a possible room-emptying timeline reaction.  Therefore your 'ok' was perfect MC as it gave him nothing, leaving his baited hook just sitting there. 

Well done comrade!  Thoughts and prayers for steady forward progress.

SoT
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on July 13, 2022, 02:03:10 PM
Thank you all so much for reading and responding. It is such an encouragement and I'm grateful.

@NRITH thank you! :)

@Square - Thank you - I know what you mean - and I did something similar (not doing what he asked straight away and he used that to start major drama and get me in a position where he could verbally abuse me for not doing what he asked. So in this case it was a laughable item and didn't pain me at all to go grab. He even called it something it is not just to add to the element of confusion   ::) So I can't often win in this situation ughhh!  :aaauuugh:

fortunately staying GR saved me this time

Also to note - When he 'moved out' into the master bedroom he took everything valuable out of said closet...So this wasn't a true need....It was letting me know he knows I know that he knows that I...... :stars: ::) 8-)

SOT - Thank you for your insights. I greatly value it - as a man he still has things going on his side I won't understand PD or not so thank you very much!

I think you hit every point on target...

Since he has decided to silent treat me and avoid me and reality - I will let him hang out there. There is no point in telling him anything. Yes - he will use this as his ultimate victim script - that I didn't tell him - But I DID and then he stopped speaking to me (again).

I consider what I'm doing polite.  8-)

He is off again tonight so I'm not doing any packing in front of him as I GR my way outta here.

On moving day there could be some turbulence - But the movers presence should be enough to have him running for the hills as he will want to avoid any of that shame he can't handle.  Either that or he may put on a poor me show for them - Or ask for the kids...I'm praying he has to work that day. He doesn't know the day.

I have also found out as he stopped giving me his unpredictable schedule as a means to be persecutor - I have started asking when he works the next day if I need the peace of mind and it irritates him greatly - But he can't do or say anything because then he would have to acknowledge he ever quit sending me his schedule.

When I told him I was moving out - he had asked if I needed help....I said waa? He said like with a uhual or something..are you going to need my help.  Oh...No, thanks.

I. KNOW. BETTER.

I'll keep updating!

I hope my body recovers quickly from all of this stress. I feel double my age....But when I'm driving around lately and realize I will get to be myself again soon...A joy washes over me.

Ready for the other side of this!


Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: square on July 13, 2022, 02:14:18 PM
I'm very impressed! You got this!
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on July 13, 2022, 03:50:50 PM
 :bighug: :bighug:
Quote from: square on July 13, 2022, 02:14:18 PM
I'm very impressed! You got this!
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: escapingman on July 15, 2022, 04:05:10 AM
I am thinking of you FB and I really hope your move goes well and you and your children keep safe.
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on July 15, 2022, 06:21:56 PM
Thank you, EM!


I was able to get us to our new place!


I couldn't sleep so we woke up early. I had the car packed with a load of things I didn't want to risk and as we were headed out updh(stbx) came through the door claiming I scared the bleep out of him. He was ready to go off to his new hobby.

He asked where we were going as if he hadn't a clue (Tho he parked next to my packed car).
I told him the town and then DD said in an angelic happy voice - We are going to our new home!
So then he scowled at me and said "are you moving out?!"
To which I just said yes. And went and got more stuff. He did his creepy new over the top baby talk and then he left before we did.

Bless God the movers showed up three hours early!!! and were done so fast I didn't have a lot of time to think.

I tried to be extremely fair and left him essentials - he said he hated all of the decor minus a few items so I left those and took the rest. Videos of the house.

Well...As he got home from his hobby the texts came.

demanding I tell him where I am as he needs to know where HIS kids are...and that he doesn't want to but will have to get an attorney after me.

I said I'm not comfortable giving my address told him how close by I am and that I would meet so he could see the kids.

But remember - Someone is too cool for car seats in their car   ::)

And why did he go golfing if he was so worried about their wherabouts.

His last message was "I don't know what you're up to lady but it is super shady."

I haven't responded.

I know he'll find out where I am. In this day and age it is so easy. But I'll be ready to record.

I think I'll ask the landlord if I may install a doorbell camera.

so there.

I'm out.

I am going through more emotions than I thought possible but I'm like a stone on the outside.

I keep reminding myself he can't come here. he can't take this place from me. He could do something with the kids but he can't come here and ruin our peace here.



It will be tough and tight going forward...But I couldn't afford losing my health and sanity either!
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: SonofThunder on July 15, 2022, 08:19:02 PM
Falsebalance2,

You are a 100% HERO!!  You are also a HERO to your kids!  What a bold, brave, calm, steady, determined, prepared, toolbox-focused, highly educated superstar.  Im SO proud of your determination and stellar bravery. 

My hat tips to you today and I will celebrate your bold victory and start on your new journey in healing, peace and freedom, with a cold beverage raised high in cheers to my Out of the FOG comrade. 😃 🙌🏼

SoT
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: square on July 15, 2022, 08:37:51 PM
Yeah, I am just amazed. Another hat off to you.
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: escapingman on July 16, 2022, 03:58:13 AM
WOW FB, just WOW. You are so strong and brave. I was never as brave and could never have managed to keep my calm and moving out in front of uNPDx in that way. I am so proud of you! Well done.

Good luck in your new home and with our real journey that starts now.
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on July 16, 2022, 07:41:21 PM
Thank you all so much!!! :'( :blush:

I really needed the encouragement.

I don't feel so brave - but I do know it was the best thing I could do. Not everyone gets this option so I am beyond grateful.

It feels like we are all detoxing and decompressing. It is wonderful and yet a bit like when you get over an illness and you are so happy to get out of bed but you get tired easily.

Right now I'm battling feeling like he can make me go back! I keep reminding myself he can't do that. He can take my money and my children sometimes but he can't make me sit in a room with him without having to pay a lawyer.   :wacko: (I think this came from trauma of not being able to leave my parents legally).

It is like a string in the sweater knit around my mind stuck in the front door and as I drove away it all began to unravel on the road.

I have had some emotional things I know I will need to unpack - but for now I'm trying to focus on the physical boxes instead.

If I didn't have the babies I would probably have poured a bath and smiled until I wept. But I've done enough crying in front of them I prefer to give them peace.

I haven't heard anything from him today. I think in a way that silence (while peaceful) is also a bit terrifying as I can only imagine what is running through his mind.

I still feel so terribly sad that someone could do this much damage to themself and to others...and all the while feel as if it has been done TO them externally.

Or maybe those are my rational explanations to myself thinking he must be hurting. I'm not sure.

Also - Something very important came out of my mouth today.


I said in regard to the people who say "Well, maybe this will get his attention/cause a change of heart..."

I am not and did not do this to get his attention or change his heart. I did this because I am no longer willing to be treated the way I was. And if he changes that's great for him and anyone who is in his future. But I did not do this with any intention of going back or teaching a lesson. That still puts the focus on him - and it is time to look at my own self and why I participated for so long.

I want to remember what it felt like to choose living in uncertainty with zero family and willing to move my whole life and risk any and all finances to escape the mental prison I was in. That moving into a shoe box with no money felt like a 5 star vacation!

Forgiveness doesn't mean I have to stay and gamble with my future in hopes that a future attempt at reconciliation is not a selfish hoover. Because of the damage done - as much as I hate to close doors on people indefinitely - I can't go back. I can't let my mind even entertain the idea.

I forgive him already. And maybe I'll have to continue to forgive every day for the rest of my life...as well as myself.

Your words are precious as SOT would say "comrades"  :cool2:

I have gained so much insight and greatly appreciate having Out of the FOG!

Now to the next phase of things! I can't think too far ahead or I'll worry myself - why try to guess what an unpredictable person will do?

Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: SonofThunder on July 16, 2022, 11:35:30 PM
Falsebalance2,

What you wrote is SO good! 

"I am not and did not do this to get his attention or change his heart. I did this because I am no longer willing to be treated the way I was. And if he changes that's great for him and anyone who is in his future. But I did not do this with any intention of going back or teaching a lesson. That still puts the focus on him - and it is time to look at my own self and why I participated for so long.

I want to remember what it felt like to choose living in uncertainty with zero family and willing to move my whole life and risk any and all finances to escape the mental prison I was in. That moving into a shoe box with no money felt like a 5 star vacation!

Forgiveness doesn't mean I have to stay and gamble with my future in hopes that a future attempt at reconciliation is not a selfish hoover. Because of the damage done - as much as I hate to close doors on people indefinitely - I can't go back. I can't let my mind even entertain the idea.

I forgive him already. And maybe I'll have to continue to forgive every day for the rest of my life...as well as myself."


:yeahthat:

I agree, why try to guess what unpredictable people will do next, but rather be mentally, physically and educationally prepared and equipped for anything, so you can immediately dispense the proper action/reaction if any PD behavior presents itself.  Its time to start focusing on our own healing, all while making forward legal progress toward an end.  As Dr Ramani stated in her recent video, non's cant begin to heal properly if the healing process is designed with the PD in mind.  So therefore design our healing with ourselves in mind.  What does falsebalance2 want?  You have zero to prove to the PD or your parents.  Like you said to friends, this is not about getting his attention or hoping for a change of heart.  Its not about his future.  His future is up to him as an adult.  Yes, forgiven already, and moving forward!

What have you been daydreaming about for you and your kids regarding your futures?  (Not in relation to him/their father).  Time to make it happen! 

SoT
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: escapingman on July 17, 2022, 04:36:56 AM
FB, I left uNPDx twice last year.when I came home the second time she said to me I really thought her a lesson and that me leaving was putting a rocket up her arse to change. It took her 4 days then she was back to abuse as normal.
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on July 18, 2022, 12:48:15 PM
Quote from: escapingman on July 17, 2022, 04:36:56 AM
FB, I left uNPDx twice last year.when I came home the second time she said to me I really thought her a lesson and that me leaving was putting a rocket up her arse to change. It took her 4 days then she was back to abuse as normal.

Ooo I hear that!!! stbx left many a time to teach me lessons....He would say he was sorry and ask if he could come home and he was sorry he was so abusive and would "change,"- I always said of course!  Then once he was back he would say "but I wouldn't do those things if you did x, y, and zed," Then had ME jumping through the hoops. And I did all of them and then he would move the goal posts!

Here is to staying gone EM!!! and believing ourselves!
Title: Re: IDD Cycle Speeding up
Post by: falsebalance2 on July 18, 2022, 12:56:05 PM
@SOT YES! Time to create the life I had tried to create but was disrupted!


Also - After half hearted threats - Stbx asked for the kids. I'm not looking forward to it - but I know I'll have to GR and MC with this, too. I'll try to plan to be very busy and out and about.

Now we will paralell parent. I no longer feel responsible for what happens to the kids under his care. He will answer for it and I'll keep my faith.

Also talked to a life long friend for 3 hours last night and the more we talked I can't believe the power of denial. Realizing all of the signs of cheating were GLARINGLY obvious - but I trusted so much and thought I was the problem.

I'll be posting about something as it develops.

I know one of the new supplies he has been training - and he used me to do it. She is 10 years younger than me and same Myer's Briggs rare personality type and he has been grooming us both. 

I'm not hurt. I'm just realizing what a sham everything was and I'm no longer strolling Out of the FOG - I am running for dear life!