Looking for support

[takosubo]

I have been searching for group therapy, but I couldn't find any near me. I though this forum could be something like a replacement.

I was raised by a mother who suffered very bad war trauma which went untreated. She ended up an alcoholic narcissist. The abuses I suffered are varied and many. I finally cut ties with her after my father passed away in 1994. I felt whole for about 6 months and thought I was ready for a serious relationship. I ended up marrying a narcisst. 20 years later, the husband started going after our older daughter so I divorced him.

There aren't any toxic people in my personal life, but I find myself crying for no reason. There is a sense of doom that hangs over me most days. Recently, both my daughters moved out. They are adults and found a very cute apartment nearby. I was happy for them and yet so devastated.It triggered an emotional flashback.

I was very little when my mother threw me out of the house after stripping me naked. I remember crying, banging on the front door while people walked by. I apologized. I promised to be good. I don't even remember what I had done wrong. I was so scared. The other times with my mom, being beaten, called names, etc., made me ashamed or angry. This was the first time being truly scared and alone. I think I was 4. There were other people in that house, but no one came to my aid. Everyone were so scared of my mother. Being kicked out of the pack, not beloning somewhere is truly a scary thing for me. I think when my daughters moved out, I felt like I was being kicked out of our little pack of 3. I know that my kids love me. We talk most days. I should let go, but my heart just breaks. It feels like yet another loss.

[Spring Butterfly]

Welcome to the community and you are not alone. I relate to many of the feelings you share in your post.

Something that worked for me was a concept called reparenting or remothering. It really helped so much to give to myself what I never received. I also did some inner child work so you may benefit from checking that out too.

You are not crying for no reason. There is good reason to cry. Emotions serve a purpose. Maybe your body is trying to let go of a lifetime of trauma. It's trying to grieve. When I went through something similar, I let my body grieve. I held myself and cried an ocean of tears. While I held space for that I read and learned and began my journey. You can do this.

The toolbox topics My Stuff / Your Stuff and Work On Yourself really helped me too.

This forum doesn't take the place of irl therapy but has served me as a sort of group therapy. I hope you find it as supportive and helpful as it has been for me.