What was the worst gift your PD parent ever gave you?

[bee well]

One of the worst was a dishtowel for my wedding from one of FOO with whom I am now in NC....and other sentimental items that had belonged to other dead relatives that were sent to me as surprises at odd intervals over the years. One of the "gifts" had been promised to me after a funeral of someone very important to me. It arrived decades later, no explanation, as a "peace offering" after something very injurious to me had transpired...The withholding, and the weird gift giving, I later realized, was one of the manipulation/gaslighting tools, and a way to twist the knife. Anyone on the outside would not understand. "Oh, but they sent you a gift, they must mean well...!" Ah, the insidiousness of uN family system!  Thinking about it turns my stomach but reminds me of how much better my life is now that I am in NC.  If one of them decides to mail me something in the future it is going directly into the rubbish...

[blacksheep7]

I had to add this one that came to mind this morning.

In 1982 I was expecting my second child, a girl but in those days we didn't necessarily know the gender.  I  had not passed a ultrasound scan.

A couple of weeks before the birth, she gave me a pink plush pouch for babies. Oh, it was pretty and practical for our harsh winters but really.  Pink.  My jaw dropped.   
She said she knew it would be a girl.  She went on to boast her victory.

[SmolderingDragon]

My mother had a habit of buying me ugly padded bras as birthday and Christmas gifts.   Or she'd buy me clothes that were to her tastes and not something that I'd wear. Then I got to hear how ungrateful I was for not liking her gifts.

[Call Me Cordelia]

What uPD M gets me isn’t terrible, but what irks me is she’ll ask me for a list of what I want for Christmas or my birthday. When I give her my list, she complains about how dumb the stuff on the list is and “I am not getting you any of this. Give me more ideas”. Then just tell her I want nothing and she does what she wants.

That was my mother as well, demanding a list and then having the gall to reject the list. It’s as if… what I actually wanted didn’t matter! She would do it for my kids’ gifts, too.

Just Kathy, my parents did the tons of packages under the tree dance as well. They staged them all and took photos of the presents before they are opened, doing crazy things like messing with the camera angle to make it look as much as possible.

I just figured something out. My mother was always irritated that I didn’t collect anything. Many in her family did. Santas, dolls, those faceless figurines at Hallmark… I didn’t and neither did my kids. She just wanted something cheap and easy she could get me another one of, have it done, and with a growing collection I would never get rid of any of it and she would look ever more generous!

[Boat Babe]

My mother had a habit of buying me ugly padded bras as birthday and Christmas gifts.   Or she'd buy me clothes that were to her tastes and not something that I'd wear. Then I got to hear how ungrateful I was for not liking her gifts.

Padded bras? That's just wrong on all the levels.

[Andeza]

CMC, my Dh's grandmother (HPD) asked me what I collect. I had been warned beforehand that she liked to look around people's houses and see if they had a few of anything, then before you knew it, you'd be swimming in it. I told her I don't collect things. She seemed shocked and kept asking. Spoons? no Figurines? no Owls? no Stamps? no. I don't collect things. So I ended up getting boxes filled with random stuff for years thereafter. I'm starting to think she's given up, as it's been a while and every time she visits me... none of the things she's sent over the years are visible. Because they're all in the dump somewhere! I don't really sugarcoat things either. She sent a certain kids movie (two different ones) to our DS. He wasn't interested. She asked later how he liked them, and I responded he didn't seem to like them very much and wouldn't sit down and watch.

My parents actually gave good gifts for the most part, but that may have been Dad's doing. I don't know. DH's parents and sister do the mountain of gifts under the tree and taking pictures and posting them and whatnot. Tried for three years to get them to change it up. Everybody's name in a hat, and you pick one name and that's the person you buy one semi-nice gift for. Not interested.

[SmolderingDragon]

My mother had a habit of buying me ugly padded bras as birthday and Christmas gifts.   Or she'd buy me clothes that were to her tastes and not something that I'd wear. Then I got to hear how ungrateful I was for not liking her gifts.

Padded bras? That's just wrong on all the levels.

Yep! Her not so subtle way of telling me that my boobs were too small. My mother is all about physical appearance. It was so embarrassing opening those "gifts" in front of an audience. Then my mother could get a two-fer: embarrass me and let me know that I don't measure up to her standards.

[JustKat]

Just Kathy, my parents did the tons of packages under the tree dance as well. They staged them all and took photos of the presents before they are opened, doing crazy things like messing with the camera angle to make it look as much as possible.

Yes! My mother would also stage the gifts. No one was allowed to touch any of the packages until she was finished arranging and photographing them.

My Nmother also tried to force me to become a collector. I didn't collect anything so at one point she decided to make me a Beanie Baby collector. She just started buying them, and when I opened them she'd announce that my "collection" was growing. It was the perfect gift for her because she could buy 20 of them and wrap them separately, which added to the illusion of more packages under the tree. When I'd open them she'd yell, "Oh look, your collection is growing." She managed to convince the whole family that I was obsessed with Beanie Babies (I was in my late thirties at the time). I still have boxes of the darned things, slowly donating them and selling them on eBay. She gave me hundreds of them!

[Boat Babe]

That's so deranged.

[bloomie]

I have shared this one somewhere around here several years ago... first married to DH, very young and naive. My first bday as an in law family member I was gifted pigs of all sorts by both mil & sil. 😳 Never, ever even mentioned liking pigs, didn't live on a hog farm or even near one, and I also collected nothing. Stuffed pigs, ceramic pigs, wooden pigs, pictures of pigs, a pig themed card... and as I was opening the pigs, I attempted to graciously thank mil and she directed me to sil who had purchased all of my bday pigs from herself and mil as "she had no idea what to give me. I was too hard to buy for."

The pigs kept coming for many years despite me eventually finding the nerve to politely say at a separate time: "I don't collect pigs and don't have a place for all of these, but could really use something like a couple of new bath towels or kitchen towels." You guessed it... pig themed kitchen towels and the pigs kept coming. 🐷🐽🐖

Won't even begin to attempt to share how toxic my own mother was around gifts. Just awful traumatizing stuff.

I think what we all here recognize is that gifts are powerful messages. 

[mary_poppins]

Money. And it's not even good money. Few dozens of euros and that's it. You can't do much with 70-80 euros in my country so it felt like they were making fun of me. (this was for my birthday) I am sentimental so I love receiving thoughtful gifts or experiences.
Narcs have a problem with sentimentality. It's like they're allergic to it. They rarely sent a Christmas card to a relative or friend-I don't even remember them sending cards. When I moved abroad and saw that people would send Christmas and Easter cards, birthday cards or get well soon cards, I was so shocked. Didn't know people actually cared about their loved ones' feelings. 

[Hazel Eyes]

Hazel, I am so sorry about your father, that was awful of him to return gifts intended for you.  I hope you are able to separate his message that you didn't deserve anything and see that this is not true of you.  It's not a reflection of you, it is simply your father's disordered thinking.

Thank you for your kind words, Hilltop. I understand what was going on, now that I am a much older adult. I didn't understand back when I was a child and a teenager. I grew up thinking, and feeling that I did not deserve anything. Which he would remind me of all the time. I still struggle with that aspect, even though I am in my 50's. I am working on getting myself out of this mindset as much as possible. He passed away at the end of August 2021 due to COVID complications. He was mean and hateful to all of his kids until the end (he had a second family after he divorced my mom after 30 years of marriage).

[Hazel Eyes]

Hazel Eyes, my Nmother returned all gifts that were sent to us from my grandmother on my father's side. She wanted his family out of our lives, so we were only allowed to have gifts from one grandmother (her mother). Everything that arrived from my other grandmother vanished.

Thank you for your input, JustKathy. I can't understand it. Even now. All these years later.

[nanotech]

OMG the pigs! The beanies!  What possesses them? Is it the black and white thinking?
Hope this is okay - a sibling reference.
Older Nsister's last present to me was a DVD. As soon as I opened it ( it came through the post) I knew the title was intended to mock. She then rang me and laughed. I was in the fog then, so I laughed along! All the time feeling so uncomfortable and upset. They have this way of striking to the heart of you. 

[Seven]

Not that this was a bad gift, but the circumstances around my teenage birthday. Probably 15 or 16. My parents got me a piano keyboard. Unfortunately my mOther left the manual out on the kitchen table and I saw it.  I got really excited. She got mad at me for finding it. Like I literally got yelled at. 

[wisingup]

Seven - I had a similar experience!  When I was 6 or 7, I found some Christmas presents that had been hidden & announced that I had found them.  My mom burst into tears and said I had ruined her Christmas. 

I guess they were looking forward to seeing us surprised?  But it's par for the course for a BPD to resolve their disappointment by lashing out at someone else.

[smarty]

A broken printer she stole from her office!
The absolute worst gift though was a week long road trip just the two of us I was forced to go on with her as my graduation gift!

[Boat Babe]

A broken printer she stole from her office!
The absolute worst gift though was a week long road trip just the two of us I was forced to go on with her as my graduation gift!

Give me the broken printer anyday.

[smarty]

A broken printer she stole from her office!
The absolute worst gift though was a week long road trip just the two of us I was forced to go on with her as my graduation gift!

Give me the broken printer anyday.

I know right! Haha
Another doosey is her mother ( PD grandmother) gifting charity clothes from church...I'm all for supporting charity and like finding treasures at charity shops as much as anyone...but pants or other really strange clothes that aren't even the right size???no
And you can't say a word because 'it's from church/charity...I volunteered and did xyz...' she's always virtue signaling, letting you know she got this or that on a trip from orphans or widows...she sometimes gets confused though and regifts something one of us gave her and passes it off as something she got abroad on a trip
With them gift gifting is always about them and their tastes and reflection of themselves..the image they want to show..never about the recipient

[EtherOrchid]

When I got into grad school my ndad sent flowers to my apartment. I think it was a dozen roses or something. I never got to see them. He knew where I worked. I'd been there for years. The address was google-able and they had a receptionist who would have signed for them. The delivery guy left a note on my door saying they would try again the next day. Instead of changing the address to the office or letting me take a personal day to wait for them, ndad cancels the delivery. I'm certain this was his plan all along. He never meant for me to get the flowers. While in grad school, I forwarded him a bunch of flyers for study care packages. They were about ten dollars and part of a fundraiser for the school. Everyone in my class got a box except me. I asked ndad if he saw the flyers and he bragged about throwing them in the trash. If I wanted candy and highlighters I could just drive myself to the dollar store. This was the guy who abandoned me as a baby and sent child support whenever he felt like it. I don't know why I was surprised by any of this.