Feeling very upset--she's evil

[Danie]

 My 83 year old BPD/N is now home bound. This has been a slow process and it is official. Seeing her struggle to walk and take care of herself, alone, in her home is upsetting. I really struggle with my emotions over this because I believe I'm an empath and I just haven't figured out how to detach from this.

She called me last week saying she had mold growing around her toilet and could I (and my husband) come and help her clean it. We recently installed a raised toilet seat for her and she cannot reach down and around to clean it.  I was a little shocked and figured it was high time to get some things straight with her. So I laid it out. I asked her for more transparency on her financial situation and for copies of documents so I know for a fact she isn't using us. We've done so much for her without any compensation. I explained I was willing to help her, but expected, at least, some transparency in return.

In 2008 my grandmother (her mom) died and left 1 million dollars for 7 people. I was one of them. I didn't see much of it. My mom kept a huge amount for herself and negligently ignored as a hired conservator kept about $300,000.00 for himself. My mother says, "that's water under the bridge" now. I have no idea what she has or doesn't have. She said my sister and I are the only 2 people in her will, but will not give me anything in writing; my sister is POA, and she's like my mom. I actually think my mom has plans to leave whatever she has to my sister-who was always favored. I was dumped off in foster care at 14. My sister wasn't.

As I was asking, from her, what I wanted she laughed and sounded like Satan. It was like "how dare you ask for what's yours" or "what you want". She claimed I was a beneficiary on 2 of her 5 bank accounts so I went to the banks (big scavenger hunt) and found out she was half-lying. I was on one of them.

I really think she maliciously enjoys depriving me, like she did when I was a child. I hate her (sorry!!), but it's true. I don't want to drive myself insane and am on the verge of no contact with either of them. I also kind of feel like I should hang in there and try to recover some of the money she has stolen from me. Any thoughts or suggestions or support would be very welcome.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ugh that's just awful. She can't clean up her own excrement and she gets her joy out of making you do it for nothing. You don't have to do that. Whether she has the money to hire someone or not, you don't have to be the maid. A maid, and you, have the option to quit. It's her problem, not yours. She can order a spray bottle and an extender to help her reach behind the toilet. The fact that she treats you so poorly when she's physically so frail... You've heard the expression don't bite the hand that feeds you. Parents, don't smack down the kid you're hoping will literally wipe your ass!

Regarding the money. I think you would need to pursue legal action against her if you were ever to see a dime. You may have right to your grandmother's bequest. As she says it's conveniently "water under the bridge" for her. She's shown you who she is on how she will respect you. She's stolen from you over and over again, withheld care for you while still a minor (!!!!), and seems to get really sick pleasure out of withholding information and treating you terribly. I think you are right that you can expect nothing from her estate.

[Liketheducks]

Danie,
Watching a parent behave with absolute malice to a child, adult or otherwise, is just evil....as you put it.   Can you lawyer up?    Can you put some emotional distance between you two?   Grey Rock...at least??   
Hugs to you.

[Danie]

Good word for it---Malice.

I just may lawyer up. Wills and estates? Not sure.

She is committing fraud now, by getting food stamps and not reporting her savings. She was my grandmother's POA and executor and took thousands before she died when she had access to her checking account. Once my grandma died the POA ends. I've already gone to a lawyer twice over that ordeal. My grandma had her 5 grandchildren in her will because my mom left town when we were teenagers. My mother kept a lot of her money as an act of defiance and because she didn't work much. She cannot handle it. She doesn't understand it! She calls everyone involved a "beneficirary".

[moglow]

I was dumped off in foster care at 14. My sister wasn't.

That sends a message that's hard to ignore, no matter who you are. I would have a hard time having any relationship with her after that, and I understand that we do what we do regardless.

While money is most assuredly nice and Lord knows we've long since more than earned it, I'm also of the mind that I don't want anyone making down payments on my future by way of accepting the unacceptable now. A long time ago I came to the realization that her money is hers and I'm not fighting her or anyone else for it. I earn mine and pay my bills, and don't care to "earn" hers simply by being her paid cook, maid and punching bag. No thank you.

All the promises and wills in the world don't change the facts: those promises and wills can be changed at any time they choose up to their actual decease. What you are told or see today may very simply not exist weeks or months from now. Natural inheritors are typically one's spouse and children, barring any specific disinheritance once a will is actually filed with the court. An executor or personal representative of the estate is tasked with - and [ in my state at least] must provide via documentation filed with the court - when and as all distributions are made to beneficiaries. You/sister being cosigners on bank accounts basically means that coowner has access to those monies just like your mother. Nothing is guaranteed, although it never hurts to consult with an estate or elder care attorney to see what options might be in your state.

Just read your last msg here -You. Are not. Her maid. Not so sure but what I'd call a housekeeping service and provide a one-time basic cleaning, let her pay for it after that. I'm not saying I'd out her, but neither would I lie for her. [One of my cousins has said a few times that md "needs someone to come clean her house" and I don't doubt that's the case. Supposedly cousin also told her there are housekeepers for that and we'll be glad to find her one. But md is afraid someone will steal from her.  ]

Malice indeed.

[Danie]

I know it's just not worth focusing on this right now. It's just kind of fresh, it was last week when I bravely asked her what the deal was. And when I would help her she always brings up my sister, she's kind of obsessed with her. I bet she gives her the house, if there's anything left to give.
I'm not going to out her food stamp fraud. I tried to set up grocery delivery for her and they wouldn't do it with an EBT card, so it backfired on her.

I need to find out if there's anything I can do to contest the will if I want to. Then I really need to get centered and find serenity.

I know what you mean about earning my own money. I always have, but she absorbed my part of my grandma's will to me. Plus I think of it as reparation for all the damage she did to me.

I should buy her a toilet scrubber and some Pine-Sol for mother's day, ha! What do you think?

[SunnyMeadow]

Don't feel bad about feeling hatred toward her. She caused you to feel this way. If she was a nice and kind human being, you wouldn't feel hate.

I never expected to receive any money from my folks. My mother told me they changed the wills every so often. She took out a grandson because he wasn't calling my uNPD mother and stepfather in a timely manner. So it certainly doesn't take much for these narcissistic people to change their wills.

Like moglow said, I'd have a hard time having any relationship after her latest stunt. For her to say you're on 2 of her 5 account and you find out it's only one is a big clue that she's doing whatever it takes for you and your dh to do things for her. So typical. I get you feeling that maybe you should hang in there to recover some money she stole from you. But imagine doing all this grunt work for her and you find out you are wiped out her will and accounts. It's a tough call.

[moglow]

Do it. And put a nice bright bow on it.

Estate laws will vary I'm sure from state to state - all named beneficiaries should receive a copy of the will after it's filed with the court. You'd be notified who's the executor/personal representative and what the listed assets are at time she passed, and I'm sure that's updated as they get a full accounting. There may be all kinds of things going on that you've only seen a glimpse of.

[Call Me Cordelia]

We're you a minor at the time of your grandmother's death?

[Danie]

I was not a minor when my grandmother passed. She purposefully made her will out to include the grandchildren and not solely her own children because as I alluded to earlier my mother abandoned us. I was 14 and she left and went to another state with her boyfriend for 11 years. That was in the 70's. We fended for ourselves and it wasn't easy.

I think that made my mother angry, being bypassed, but she still got a ton of money. She just begrudged everyone because it pointed out what she did. So now my mom is still getting revenge by taking other peoples' money. It wasn't just mine. When I asked her about it at the time she said, "it wasn't meant for you" even though I was in the will.

She can act like everything is cool, but bring up money and all hell breaks loose. I've been trying to help her in her horrible time of need, but now finding that she still is playing money games. She was the one who brought it up at first, saying her will was 50/50 with me and my sister. I don't believe it, for a few reasons, and why not let me have something in writing?

[NarcKiddo]

Your grandmother's will and your mother's will are 2 entirely separate issues.

If your mother has misappropriated money from your grandmother that was meant to go to you then I would have thought that would be legally actionable, if you choose to pursue that path.

Your mother's will can (I assume) be changed at any time (I am in the UK so our laws will differ). I can't see that getting a written statement from her of what she currently has put in her will would be of much practical use. Even if it is a lie, so what? Can you legally do anything about it? It would not be actionable here, unless you could prove that you had acted to your financial detriment in pursuance of the promise. If you ask her for written proof then to her it is proof that you are interested in the money and she can use the money to manipulate you. Ultimately, I think you have to ask yourself whether the promise of an inheritance is worth all the aggravation. Even if her will does leave everything equally to you and your sister, she might spend most of it before she dies.

I am sorry you are having such an awful time with her.

[Danie]

Narc-kiddo. Thanks for that excellent explanation. She is totally trying to manipulate me.

Mom took thousands from my grandma's estate 2005-2007 while she was her caregiver (abuser) and POA.  As soon as my grandma passed in 2007 the POA ended, but the money was almost gone and in my mom's several bank accounts, new car, new siding on her house etc.

She had hired a conservator, after she illegally took her sister off as co-POA, because  1. She's lazy and didn't want to do anything  2. Not the brightest bulb on the tree. They kind of worked together, so I don't know what exactly went down.

I got a crumb of what my grandmother wanted me to have, the rest is in N/BPD's control and she is loving it! She loves the control. I agree it's no longer mine, stolen or not. I guess since she asked me to clean up her toilet mold I would level with her. It's not worth my mental health.

Since she threw out that my sister and I were 50/50 (total manipulation) I felt a little encouraged to ask for more details. What I got was Satan unleashed.

Do you see why I titled my post "She is evil"?

[Danden]

Maybe there is a way you can help her and also feel safe yourself.  Is your sister helping her with her stuff?  Is she willing to do so?  If not, and you are the only one, and she needs help, because she is homebound, maybe there is something you can do.  You can keep a record of the time you spend and the money you spend on doing things for her.  Also your husband's time.  If, one day, you are left with nothing  or less than your fair share, you can possibly make a claim against her estate.  For services rendered.  You maybe could do this without telling anyone.  Talk to a lawyer regarding the laws and options for doing this in your state/country.  It seems fair and reasonable to me.  If you are her daughter and you are disinherited, yet you did help her when she needed help and no-one else was willing, then at least you should be compensated.  I think a judge would see it that way, in terms of fairness, but it also depends on the laws in your area.  And you should find a lawyer who is thinking creatively, with an interest in helping you, rather than the type of lawyer who just gives standard pat responses and approaches.  I think it is worth a shot.

[moglow]

If you ask her for written proof then to her it is proof that you are interested in the money and she can use the money to manipulate you. Ultimately, I think you have to ask yourself whether the promise of an inheritance is worth all the aggravation. Even if her will does leave everything equally to you and your sister, she might spend most of it before she dies.

Always, always remember: a hoover [manipulation] doesn't work unless you plug it in. I'd suggest try and separate yourself from any possible monetary gain or compensation for now, as it's all speculation and chaos until she's actually gone. Do what you can [even if that means paying another to have it done  ] and let the chips fall where they may. You KNOW what she's capable of, this isn't new stuff and it behooves all of us to remember that.

[Danie]

Danden, I have been keeping track, I just didn't know why, but now I do. Thanks for the clarity.

No my sister doesn't help. She lives 2 miles from my mother, I am 12 miles away. My mom makes excuses for her, as to why she doesn't help. I don't understand that!

That's some good information to think about. I could possibly help her, just because I'm human, when I cool off. It's just so hard when I'm around mom and she talks so highly about my sister. She constantly asks me if I've heard from her and wants to discuss her issues. She was definitely her favorite. I tried to set boundaries with my mom about discussing my sister, she respects them briefly and then it's right back to discussing her. I just keep saying "I don't know" or "It's not my business".

I've already paid for 2 lawyers out of my pocket and gone to court over grandma's estate. I think I don't want to pay again, especially when I will probably get screwed over again. I really need to stay focused on my own well-being.

[Danie]

Moglow. Yes, that's it. You are so right. It's like if I said to her "I don't want your money". 

I won't say that, the words aren't needed. Plus, saying that is just combative and more material for her to work with.

One more thing I want to say, when I was talking, sincerely, to her about her estate and how I felt and what I wanted she was laughing maniacally. It was like it was a big joke to her and that she was really enjoying it. It stood out to me. It was kind of telling - that she really gets excited by it.

[moglow]

Plus, saying that is just combative and more material for her to work with.

I had to retrain myself several years ago, put md on what some here referred to as an information diet. I used to voice my opinion, tell her what was going on in my life, share things - it came back to bite me in the ass just a few times too many and I paid for it. I did learn at least that one lesson.

As my brother says, she can't get your goat if she doesn't know where you keep it. You're welcome. 

[daughter]

Danie, there are many similar factors here to my own situation prior to NC decision: inheritance "theft", GC mom-favored nsis, my mistreatment due to manipulation and abuse from nmom, etc.  My nmom obsconded with my inheritance from maternal grandparents, and secretly gifted a very expensive vacation home to nsis, all while I was still obedient SG "dutiful daughter".  She cheated her sibling of her inheritance, exiled her from our family, and gleefully chortled when I asked that my parents' estate plans not pit nsis and me against each other in future.  These factors made me realize that regardless whether I continued to be "dutiful", I was very likely already disinherited. 

Soon after my quiet NC, legal documents arrived for my signature, for me to relinquish all legal interest in my parents' properties and future estate.

Yup, my suspicions were confirmed. But note, I'm relieved. I've had now decade-long respite from all that pathological abuse by my npd-enmeshed parents and sister. No more doing, and fixing, and fussing, and quietly enduring spiteful words and overt malice.

[Danie]

That is very similar! Pretty awful too. I wonder how you felt?

If my mother calls me for more help, I guess I will at least try to get some kind of compensation or hope of a future payment. Bringing up "will" or "estate" stuff is a hopeless conversation.