Im back...and birthday drama brought me here...again!

[Blackbird11]

It's been a long time since I've posted. A lot has happened! Divorce was finalized and going on my 2 year freedom-versary this year.

Ex-uPDh and I were actually getting along and co-parenting well, until last year when we went on a joint vacation and when we got home he professed his love for me and accused me of "leading him on."

(Sidebar on vacation: Terrible idea. Will never do that again. My kid had some medical trouble last year and when I agreed to it/put money down I was very much in a "I will do anything to make this kid happy! Even take him to Disney with uPDh!" Lesson learned.)

So - I started to put up more boundaries after vacation. uPDh started dating someone which honestly was an amazing thing bc it put him in a great mood and he was much easier to deal with. Plus I felt like he had finally moved on 

The issue is that it's become apparent that the woman also has some issues, and they have an extremely dysfunctional relationship. They're constantly breaking up and getting back together.

So fast forward to a few weeks ago. I needed uPDh to help me bring DS to a medical appt. It made sense to drive together. I thought - simple enough. He's with this woman and that's his new life now.

GETTING INTO A VEHICLE WITH HIM WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

My child was in the back seat with headphones on watching a show, but still picked up some of the convo (he's 6).

My uPDh used the ride as an opportunity to confront me about the man I'm dating (still new, a few months in), how jealous it makes him, and told me that he did a background check on the guy.

uPDh also tried to engage me in a discussion about our marriage because - he said - he feels we didn't talk enough about it (aka - let's engage in that 5 year old circular argument that I'm not ready to drop).

He said he's still in love with me and now he's finally realizing that I'm moving on (he didn't realize that 1.5 years ago WHEN WE SIGNED DIVORCE PAPERS?!).

I kept my cool, grey rocked/didn't engage as much as possible.

Immediately after that ride, I vowed to never be alone with him again. I blocked him on all social media (and some of his family that may report back to him).

Now I've dropped contact to absolute minimim/text only.

He did collaborate on the kid's birthday party with school friends - it was a neutral location and I didn't have to be alone with him.

He is supposed to get our son back at his house on the day of son's actual birthday. uPDh has sent me two texts inviting me to his house for dinner and cake with his family that night. He even took it upon himself
to call and invite my parents (fwiw I have a good relationship with his mom and communicate with her directly...I guess that's fair enough?).

My current plan is to text him day before the birthday:
Hi (uPDh name)! Thx for the invite. I'm not able to attend. I already informed DS. Have a great time!"

I want to send night before bc the birthday is actually first day of school, and I know if I don't communicate this before uPDh shows up to the school, he will say something in front of DS to guilt me into going.

I will have cake/presents with DS/my mom and perhaps a friend or two that night, then explain he's getting a second party @ dad's the next day. 

Now - am I being unreasonable? Should I just show up and smile for an hour (his family will be there - I'm amicable with them)?

Or is it impt to stick to the boundary?

[Poison Ivy]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Whichever feels better to you -- keeping this boundary or not keeping it in this situation -- is okay. (I write this as a person who stayed in the same hotel room with my ex, said afterward "I'm never going to do that again," vowed to not let him stay at my (formerly our) house again when adult child was visiting, and let him stay at the house again because it was easier for our adult child and me to have her dad here at the house.)

[Blackbird11]

It's really hard to stick to boundaries with them, especially my ex- uPDh. He goes so long as a seemingly stable, rational human sometimes that I'm like "oh this is great! I must be the one overreacting here and can let my guard down a bit." This is supported by other people in our life who just see him as a balanced, regular dude. I don't want to be the one causing all of the problems. Everyone's like "loosen up, Blackbird " Then when he's in one of his moods and has me cornered, he goes off. 

[square]

Stick to the boundaries.

People may think "it's just a birthday party, you'll live."

Let them. Too bad. You've given your ex enough chances. No need to regret it yet agsin. It's your ex who can't just get along and be an adult, not you.

[Rose1]

Someone once said the greatest healing comes with NC.
Difficult with kids but very true.
Exbpdh used all opportunities for bad mouthing and parental alienation. The less he knew, the less ammo he had.

It's hard enough to single parent without the sniping. Sounds like your ex has no issues with doing that in front of your child.
Mine are grown now and I have nothing to do with ex. But every so often I get feedback that he is again needing to take a pot shot at me and moan about all the bad things that happened to him (he is remarried so I imagine his new wife of 15 years must be thrilled).
Yes this is over 20 years later. He can't let it go apparently.
Best thing for us all is NC rather than feeding the beast.
My personal opinion is parallel parenting is the only feasible option.

[Blackbird11]

Thanks for your responses!

I've decided not to attend. It feels like the right choice. I don't want to continue this dysfunctional cycle where he's nice to me for X amt of time, I drop my guard and then he uses it as an opportunity to confront me or make me really uncomfortable. I have been complicit in this too and I need to make different choices. 

I do agree the less contact I have with ex-uPDh the better.

Plus, I've already thrown my son a party and will be celebrating with him tonight/tomorrow morning. He couldn't care less if I'll be there and is very excited about presents

[Poison Ivy]

This sounds great, Blackbird11. Happy birthday to your son!

[Blackbird11]

This sounds great, Blackbird11. Happy birthday to your son!

Thank you!

[Penny Lane]

I don't want to continue this dysfunctional cycle where he's nice to me for X amt of time, I drop my guard and then he uses it as an opportunity to confront me or make me really uncomfortable. I have been complicit in this too and I need to make different choices. 

I do agree the less contact I have with ex-uPDh the better.

This is very, very wise. I'm sorry you're dealing with it, but it sounds like you have a good clarity around the situation. Happy birthday to your son!

[moglow]

Blackbird sometimes it might help to remember simply that you divorced for reasons - his treatment of you is the tip of that iceberg. He didn't change just because you divorced, YOU made conscious decisions to change and build a life without him. You'll always be the parents but you're not a couple any longer - you don't have to do "family" things with him any longer. Whatever remorse he may or may not feel is all on him to deal with as he sees fit. Not your stuff.

[Blackbird11]

Thanks Penny!

And thank you moglow. Puts a lot in perspective.

[Blackbird11]

Update: Today is the morning after the party. My ex-uPDh came to my house as my son has to get the bus to school here. As soon as I opened the door to say hello, DS said "why weren't you there? I was crying when I went to bed."

I apologized and said "I'm so sorry!"
and tried to redirect to talk about the presents/fun things he did.

My ex was giving me the silent treatment and very cold as though I ruined my son's birthday.

This is why this is so hard.

[moglow]

My gut response [shielding the laser beam glare I want to send dad]: Oh buddy I'm so sorry you were sad! Remember we talked about it before you left - that's your special time with dad. Redirect redirect redirect

Ex? He's not your problem in any way. He can cold shoulder and silent treat and be welcome to it. I have little doubt the adults feeding "where's mommy? Why isn't mommy here?" didn't help little buddy at all. Laser glares to all of them too!

I have an old friend who used to say "Cowboy up! Start out how you can hold out!" Maybe this is a good time for a new beginning for y'all - one where your only focus is on your child and what's best for him. The ex can putter about and pooch out his lip and life goes on, you're not there to pander to his whims. Yes, it might be easier for your son to have you both together, but you're not. You're adults who divorced by mutual consent. His life is going to - NEEDS to - change, as is yours. Your job is to help little man through those changes. You're still mom and that man is still dad, and always will be.

[Blackbird11]

Thank you! Yup, this is a tough one. I will guide my little guy through as best I can.