Urgent-ish... What to Say to School Principal

[atticusfinch]

Hello all, I was in a pit of despair and you've helped me so much lately! Thank you thank you thank you.

I am meeting with two of my kids' vice principal later today at the school about their attendance/tardies. The main thing I want to know is how to address the fact that the school explicitly went over my head and ignored my wishes even though I'm the parent with final say in school matters. I'm super super angry at them right now, because they took this meeting at the behest of my NPD ex. My issue isn't that he had a meeting at the school--I have no control over that and to an extent, I am grateful he stays in touch with the kids' teachers, etc. My issue is that he *involved our kids* in said meeting, which was essentially called in order to berate them. He made the appointment without asking or telling me (again, no problem with this if he does it on his own). When the school called me to ask if I'd like to participate, I told them that my ex and I aren't allowed to be in the same room due to a protective order/restrictions in our decree, for my safety. When they said the meeting would go ahead without me, I said that was fine but I did not want our kids in the meeting. I explained our history with domestic violence and also explained that I have the final say with regard to school matters and asked that the kids not be allowed in the meeting.

THEY WENT AHEAD AND DID IT ANYWAY. I'm so angry right now that I know I'm not completely rational, so I need help in knowing what to say or do in the meeting I  have with the vice principal later today. I definitely want to write a letter to her superior in the school district (this isn't the first time this school administration has done something harmful to my kids).

Let me add that ONE OF SAID KIDS has a *4.0* .... so while yes, there are issues with tardies, in the end, she couldn't be a better student.

Please help me know what to say to her and where to go from here?

[square]

The key is that you don't have to think what to say, they do.

You ask them to explain it to you.

- I am the primary parent and have veto power
- I stated my children would not be allowed to participatevin the meeting due to a history of abuse
- How did it come to be that my children were in this meeting?


. . . So let me get this straight, you were told by the primary parent there was a safety issue and you __? Can you explain this to me?

What assurances do I have that the school will follow protocol in the future?

What assurances do I have that the school will be able to keep my children safe?

[atticusfinch]

Oh my goodness this is genius, square. THANK YOU. I was in full trauma mode combined with rage mode this morning and I couldn't think straight. This is so so helpful.

[bloomie]

atticus - just reading this and hoping you are through the meeting and were able to get answers to urgent questions around this breech of your trust and explicit instructions regarding the safety of your children.

How are you?

[Associate of Daniel]

Does the school have a copy of the protection order and of the orders giving you final say?  If not, perhaps give them one for the file. It might help in any future incidents.  I completely understand you being so upset.

AOD

[atticusfinch]

Quick update! Thank you *so much* for checking in on me!

(and quick reply to your question, AOD--the school has copy of our decree. More on this later )

The meeting yesterday went better than expected in some ways--the vice principal was more warm and kind than I expected, and she reassured me that the kids seemed calm and there was no agitation on their part while meeting with their dad and that their dad behaved well. She also reassured me that I have very good kids and that she does this all the time and it isn't a big deal and doesn't mean the kids are in trouble.

That said, I'm still upset about a couple things. One, that she immediately laughed when she saw me and said she'd "accidentally dropped the ball" by allowing the kids in the meeting--all casual-like, even though I'd talked with her assistant *twice* about the kids not being in the meeting *and* I'd sent an email. The off-handed way she did this felt disingenuous and honestly struck me as a bald-faced lie. (I could just be upset and it's clouding my judgement) And while some of the things she said did make me feel better, I am still bothered by the casual way she undermined my authority as a parent and by a basic lack of respect (I live in an area where women are a little less valued than men, so that could be part of it)? I tried to explain to her that part of the reason the kids are late and miss school so much is *because I have had my authority undermined so much by their dad* and that I was concerned that the way this was handled may have just furthered that. (on top of calling me "worthless" repeatedly for 2+ years when he was with them, he tells them I'm lazy, etc, and tells them to "stand up to [me]" without telling them what it is they need to stand up to--which they take to mean that they should push back against normal, everyday rules like bedtimes and screen limits)

And even though the things she said about my kids being good kids, etc, seemed helpful in the moment, I again wondered, after the fact--then WHY did she call them into her office? Why call a kid with a 4.0 into your office to ostensibly berate her? She admitted outright that neither one of them had ever been written up for tardies, either.

If she was telling the truth, which is that basically the school did not have my kids on their radar before this, and that they had no major marks against them, then it just seems to substantiate the idea that the whole meeting was my ex-husband's idea to suit his own agenda (probably to gain control over the kids, undermine me, and try to set up a good parent-bad parent dynamic in front of school administrators).

It just seemed like said vice principal had been an unwitting tool in my ex's hands to further entrench his control of the kids and his undermining of me. And when she said "they didn't seem afraid of him at all," and "showed no anxiety" it was temporarily reassuring, before it started to feel like gaslighting? Overall, she seemed to take my concerns and her role in the matter *very* lightly--laughing and joking as if none of it was a big deal.

Sigh.

In some ways, it kind of feels like I"m making a big deal out of nothing, but at the same time, my ex has been crossing lines all over the place lately. The vice principal does not know the bigger picture, or all the ways he's been crossing lines lately. He's not supposed to be in the room when I take the kids to doctors appointments, and lately, he just shows up out of nowhere and comes in anyway. There are other things, too, but I won't go into them. I'm also just angry that I am *so POOR* right now because I gave up a ton of alimony in order to have legal custody of the kids so as to avoid stuff like this. I'm exhausted. My ex just seems to live for stuff like this and has endless energy for these sorts of control battles. And I'm annoyed that the school isn't helping me protect them better but are basically just enabling an abusive dad to continue abusing his ex wife and kids.

(let me add that my kids were so confused about why they had to be in this meeting. The one with the 4.0 seemed to feel the most violated by all of it and it seemed to discourage her--she said some things to the effect of "I thought I was doing well" and "why are they calling me in when I've been doing better," etc. I also feel bad because I'd reassured both of them that I had their back and they wouldn't have to go to the meeting! So now my credibility is hurt in their eyes too.)

[square]

I'd love to amplify the reassurance that you half felt.

But honestly, what you described feels unacceptable to me, and I have zero trust that she told the truth about what happened versus whatever she could say to blow you off.

It doesn't even matter if they "understand" the issues. YOU SAID NO KIDS IN THAT MEETING. They can think you're as silly as they want but you said NO.

Did you get any kind of statement that it wouldn't happen again? If you did, did you believe it at all?

[moglow]

Fwiw, I'd guess vice is trying to defuse the situation, ease the tensions all around. Whatever the adult issues at hand, they have to stay focused on the kids and *their* stuff. It could be "doing better" is good, but they felt need to readdress the tardy issues overall. And dad took advantage.

Thing now is to build on that with the kids so they're more aware going forward. Empower them to make better choices overall rather than "standing up to" parents or school authority. Address why they're tardy instead of berating that it happened. Make plans and follow them through.

[atticusfinch]

thanks for the replies square and moglow

square, I printed out your questions and took to my meeting--thank you again. I did try to make it clear that it can't happen again, and the vice principal seemed to understand by the end of the meeting. That said, I'm considering writing a note to one of the higher-up's in the district because this isn't the first issue we've had with this administration. We're new to this school, and so far, it hasn't been the best experience.

All of that said, I obviously want to make things better for my kids at school, and in no way would I ever want to make them worse. I may post the letter I'm thinking of sending in here and see what you think of it?

[square]

A good start. I agree with you to pull it back, though. You can always bring out bigger guns later.

Maybe the approach is to write the VP directly and cc the higher ups. You thank her for the meeting and reiterate your concerns. You ask that she confirm that they are clear on the decree and that this won't reoccur. And you thank her warmly for her help, while also saying how much the kids are enjoying the new school.

So higher ups are aware and on notice

Somebody needs to actively confirm to you and therefore put their ass on the line if they screw up again

And if they ignore it, you can follow up with a more "concerned" letter

[Rose1]

While I agree go with the vice p first I think she was charmed by the dear children's loving father and completely out of line. It's not her job to second guess court orders no matter what she thinks of them. She was after all in contempt of the order and could subject herself to prosecution for violating a domestic violence order should you choose to go down that track. Yes it's that serious. I wonder if she is aware of that? Her boss might benefit from some clarification as to the serious nature. If the kids are not on the order and I've got it wrong, sorry but it's still serious because the order is there for a reason and if you say no, it means no.

Secondly I would add that the children were confused and upset when they got home because they felt accused without grounds, or words to that effect, and again adhering to the order and respecting your no would have prevented that.
Believe your gut. There's something messed up there and she's covering. She knew she was out of line.

[escapingman]

This is so unfair and I understand your frustration. I am having a similar issue right now where the school seems to side with uNPDxw. She lost her cool last week and tore into DD leaving her in tears, as this was reported back to school she quickly invented a case against me and together with DD2 they made some wild accusations. Now school has reported me to social services based on their false allegations, and even managed to include that DD had reported she doesn't feel safe with me which is a complete fabrication.

I am like you at my end of it all and I am not sure how to deal with it. Right now I am biding my time but a complaint has to be done but question is to who and how. In your case, if school has gone against a court order I suggest you make them accountable for it. If not they only do it again and again, remember the PD's can charm anyone given a chance.

[atticusfinch]

Square, I can't thank you enough for your help on this. I ended up writing a letter based on your suggestions, which were very helpful. I wanted to channel enough anger to force me to send it and say some of the things that needed to be said without over-stepping or making things worse.

In the end, I spent several hours carefully crafting an email and then I sent it off to a friend in the district to make sure it was okay. Ironically, my friend who works in the district is one of the few people who saw the "other" side of my ex husband back when we were married. I doubt he'd remember her, as he saw her as a sort of peon then, and acted in an abrasive/bullying/rude manner that apparently she never forgot! (We only became friends a few years ago, when we ran into each other again.) She also gave me the email of the vice principal's supervisor, so I cc'ed him.

The worst thing, when I think back to the vice principal, was how smug she was about all of it. In retrospect it all seems like the worst kind of gaslighting--the way she made light of everything and acted like it was a mistake but then didn't seem sorry about it *at all*--she almost seemed triumphantly self-satisfied about it.

Something I mentioned to her in the email that I was too flustered to say in person is that my ex has this whole pattern of double binds when it comes to school performance. He expects perfection from the kids with regard to school, *but then he undermines their ability to meet his expectations*, then uses it as an excuse to abuse them further. I didn't go into detail, but in the next paragraph I'll tell you exactly what he does.

A few years ago, I moved towns, but even though I moved, I kept the kids in the schools that were in his neighborhood (there is an academic advantage there). He lived a few houses away from the school, and he's supposed to keep them overnight and get them to school when he has them. I did this for three years, and all the driving was exhausting for me, but I was willing to do it on my days with the kids. I work weird hours when my kids are with my ex, which means late at night and weekends, so I can be there for my kids when they are with me. My ex knows this, but still goes on and on to the kids about how lazy I am, etc., and found that he could kill two birds with one stone by dropping them off, randomly, late at night, when it's supposed to be his parent time.

I now have a very hard time concentrating when I'm supposed to work, because I've developed this stupid hyper-vigilance thing about him causing drama when I least expect it. And it was so annoying that he was willing to go so far out of his way (20 minutes one way), even though the kids would have woken up and been right next to the school! He never tells me or asks me when he's about to do this. They just suddenly show up on my doorstep with all their things. (they'll say "Dad says this is easier"--and I"m like--for who?) Then... I am suddenly trying to get kids to bed instead of working, and these nights they almost always have a harder time going to bed/settling down, and then, being teens now, they sleep hard enough to wake the dead the next morning. So instead of working, I'm coaxing kids out of bed, etc. On those types of days, they are almost always late. AND he's inculcated them with less respect for me. He tells them to "stand up to me" over dumb stuff like bedtime routines and basic manners. So when I try to get them up for school, they just don't think they have to listen.

Then, when they are inevitably late, he calls the school and acts all concerned about their "neglectful mother" and he calls the kids to berate them, etc. In short, he *creates* this stupid, dysfunctional dynamic and then acts as if he's this completely innocent, pure, concerned parent. He can set me up as the crazy, frazzled, disorganized, neglectful one, while he is the caring, doting, even-keeled, concerned one, savvy? Ugh. The thing is, I finally transferred them this year because I couldn't take the driving any more. But now, the teachers and administration here are totally blank slates that he can manipulate, whereas in our old school, plenty of people had had enough experiences with him and with me to know what was what. Sorry for venting. I'm just so exhausted from dealing with this man and the colossal chaos he causes and all the ways he's still obsessed with basically abusing me from afar and punishing me for leaving him.

Rose1, for SURE. Yes, we have some pretty carefully crafted wording in our decree because I knew this kind of thing would be an issue based on my ex's behavior when we were married. Thank you so so much for your kind words. You're absolutely right. I cc'ed the vice principal's supervisor in the district, so let's hope that at least puts someone on notice.

Escapingman, I'm exhausted *for* you. I think we've been on here about the same amount of time? I'm sorry you're still dealing with so much. I hope social services sees things for what they are, for your sake and your kids. I do think that with time, PDs show their true colors. Sending major hugs.

[square]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. It sounds toxic to the max. My stomach turned reading that.

I'm also not happy with the school VP. This is what I will tell you, though. You know her game. That softens her power a lot. Just the fact that you know it changes things. Feel free to feel a little smug with her since you have identified someone playing childish games. I don't mean for you to engage or treat her condescendingly. I just mean that instead of feeling small, as she may intend, you can see her as small and not let her have that particular power over you.