Funeral advice...feeling so stressed and anxious

[Amy-Rose]

Hey everyone,
I'm so stressed an anxious I couldn't even sleep last night or eat. On the 21st of November I found my close friend, Kirsty dead in her home (likely heart attack), she was only 35. Funeral is in 3 weeks.
Found out today that a really toxic person I cut off from will be there as Kirsty was a mutual friend. This had caused even more anxiety. Secondly, I kept out falling out quiet as it was no one's business. The family are shocked and devastated and I don't want to add to it, but I'm now travelling in the car with this person to the funeral. I wont be alone as two other friends will be there. I let one of the friends know the situation and she said she'd cut off from this woman as well for the same reasons but they were on more civil terms. I could sit in the front with her if possible.

The woman I cut off was pretty toxic, chaotic and just not that nice once you got to know her. I caught her out in so many lies, well she caught herself out. And a year later I'm still discovering how many lies. Example: she told me just before Christmas her Mum had died 7 years ago over christmas. I found this to be not true at all 6 months after ceasing contact with her.

I doubt she'll speak to me as when she sees me she tends to act like a deer in the headlights and avoids all eye contact with me. She tends to walk/stand quite stiff - so that all tells me she's no confident so I doubt she'll talk.

How would you handle this? I'm concerned she may use this sad occasion as an "in" back into my life. Do I be polite even if she doesn't talk to me? Do I just not speak to her at all?
Grey rock might seem rude and abrupt if Kirsty's family are present. How do I keep this day as easy and comfortable for them as possible, while letting her know there is no getting back into my life?
Maybe I'm emotional and over thinking it all. But I know this woman. She is shy and crafty and even said to me once that when grieved people can be easily used and be more malleable. That's how she got into my life the last time.

Thanks for any advice guys.

[notrightinthehead]

I am sorry for your loss Amy-Rose.

As for your question, in situations like this, I stick to impeccably polite behavior, one could say that I hide behind politeness. And it has served me well. Never mind what others think of you, we cannot read their thoughts, it's important what you think of yourself. And if you can manage to behave in a way that you are satisfied with, if you behave in such a way that you can look back on this day and say that you did all you could to be as dignified and respectful as you could possibly be, then you have said goodbye to a friend and shown up for her on this sad, sad day.

[Leonor]

Hi Amy,

I'm sorry for your loss of your dear friend.

I've had similar experiences, and it can be incredibly excruciating to figure out how to be / act / say the right thing in a situation that demands quiet sensitivity with a high conflict person ...

... If that's where you invest your energy.

But if you really invest your attention in your friend Kirsty, and honoring her life and friendship, and standing in support of her family, and keeping her memory alive and warm, then what other people do or say won't matter.

Also, and I say this in the gentlest way, this is not an event about you and your conflict with this other person. It's not about you and your anxiety and your wish to be right or just or thought of fairly or treated nicely. Absolutely no one will be paying attention to you, and that's the way it should be. You don't need to enlist other people to turn their attention away from their own grief to take care of you and your feelings.

If this is all too much, and one person is capable of making you sick with worry and unable to pay your respects to your dear friend with respect, take a cab. Or don't go.

But if you do want to honor your friend and be at her funeral, riding in a car with an unpleasant person is kind of a small price to pay, is t it?

[moglow]

if you really invest your attention in your friend Kirsty, and honoring her life and friendship, and standing in support of her family, and keeping her memory alive and warm, then what other people do or say won't matter.

This. What other people do or say is all on them and you don't have to even respond. She can't get back into your life without your permission - gray rock, bland responses are your friend. Be distracted. Your mind is understandably on the friend who has passed, and that's perfectly all right.

[Amy-Rose]

Hey guys,
THANK you all for much for your support, advice and especially the re-focusing. I'm OK now. The truth is I wasn't really worried about the other person at all, I just thought I was. My anxiety was all ready high. It was horrendous to go to my friend's house for a spa weekend only to find her no longer with us.

Kirsty was a quiet woman, who interfered with no one and only allowed a selected few into her life. She liked the simple things in life and she taught me to just slow down.
She'd stop to smell a flower I would just breeze by. Pointed out scents in the air that I hadn't even noticed. She taught me to be present in the moment. I'm always so busy and sometimes my senses shut down. I make a point now every day of going for a walk and noting everything I smell, see, hear, touch and taste. She helped me refocus and take a moment to appreciate the simple things in life.

I miss her all ready. Not often you get such a good friend.

[Leonor]

What a beautiful tribute to your friend Kirsty.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

And what a lovely friend you are, to appreciate her uniqueness so warmly.

The next time I pass a flower, I will stop to smell it and send the energy out in hi or of you and Kirsty.

Of course it must have been a terrible shock to find her. I hope you have been able to find some solace and healing for yourself as well.

[Boat Babe]

Sincere condolences to you Amy Rose on the loss of your dear friend.

[Amy-Rose]

Thanks again everyone for your time.